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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

light fingered relatives.

113 replies

plasticrose · 31/07/2016 14:41

my nieces has moderate special needs, she is a sweet girl, and all the family cousins get on well with each other. When she was small she was a bit light fingered with my daughters belongings. Or she would go in her bedroom and break or tear personal things like necklaces.
My BIL was apologetic but found it difficult to stop this impulsive behaviour. So we learnt over the years to sweep the house of anything she might be tempted by or destroy and hide it before she came.
For a long time she seemed to have grown out of this, and is now past her teens, although still not capable of independent life without support.
We had her over for a sleep over with all her cousins and they had a fantastic time. My daughter left her make up on her bed, the stuff she uses every day and is has now gone. This make up was worth over £100 and some of it was saved from christmas and birthday money and some my mum brought her together on a day out.
We cant tell her father, it wont end very well. there wont be any confession of guilt from her because although she grasps that she had belongings, other peoples are a bit 'fluid'.
If we tell BIL it will end up him getting cross with us for the whole situation,and its not worth it.
my daughter is very upset, and I feel so angry and frustrated with the whole thing. I cant let her come in to our home again as we cant trust her.

OP posts:
January87 · 31/07/2016 18:37

greathat - girl with Down's Syndrome, not 'down's girl'.

scoobyloobyloo · 31/07/2016 18:39

Well said January.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 31/07/2016 18:39

or its found handed over and things are frosty for some time. esp as I am not going to bend and have them over again for while. I need to cool down as well.

This seems a bit unfair.

You're not even giving your brother-in-law a chance to do the "right" thing (ie, ask his daughter).

If she has stolen your daughter's make up, doesn't your BIL need to know this is still happening?

What if she graduates to stealing from outside the family, ie, someone who is far less happy to brush the matter under the carpet and calls the police?

Original poster
plasticrose · 31/07/2016 18:49

obviously I wouldnt have made that statement without having had previous experience of his down playing of situations that crop up like this.. Am sure he will reject any thought that his daughter is light fingered as he has done in the past.
I am very aware that being this child's parent is hard going. I dont want to make his life any harder than it already is, we all love his kids. Life hasnt been easy for them. which makes it more difficult to contact him and give him the bad news.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/07/2016 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathStare · 31/07/2016 18:55

Is your niece's mum involved OP or is your BIL a single parent?

Gazelda · 31/07/2016 18:59

Well said January.

OP, don't you see that by not telling BIL what has happened, you are not giving him the opportunity to address it? Even if he downplays it, that is his choice.

And I really feel that you should let your DD see that you are trying to remedy the situation, rather than let it go unchallenged. Stick up for your DD, don't let her lose out.

Finally, how are you going to explain to your BIL and Niece that she can't come to your house any more if you don't tell him what has happened? Surely that's going to be more awkward to deal with than the truth?

rollonthesummer · 31/07/2016 19:04

Finally, how are you going to explain to your BIL and Niece that she can't come to your house any more if you don't tell him what has happened? Surely that's going to be more awkward to deal with than the truth?

This!

I think once everyone else had replied to the group conversation saying they hadn't got the make up, it was very unlikely she would own up on that; everyone would see! You need to speak to her dad ASAP.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 31/07/2016 19:29

This is a very odd thread. Not sure what you want out of it? Permission to fume and do nothing?

There are several borderline comments on here from other posters though that I'm feeling uncomfortable with.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/07/2016 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 31/07/2016 19:33

I am very aware that being this child's parent is hard going. I dont want to make his life any harder than it already is, we all love his kids. Life hasnt been easy for them. which makes it more difficult to contact him and give him the bad news.

And your own daughter? Does she get a say in all this virtue signalling?

DeadGood · 31/07/2016 19:38

"I think, by not approaching your niece directly in the first place, you've missed your opportunity to resolve this now.

Your lack of action meant your daughter posted on social media, everyone except your niece said they hadn't seen it, so your niece had the perfect opportunity to say the same."

Agree. Why bother posting that message on social media when you were all fairly sure you knew who had it?

I do think you could pop by your BIL's place with a list of what's missing. "hiya, we are missing a few bits from DDs kit, can we get them back? I'll help"

Hope t works out

Scarydinosaurs · 31/07/2016 19:53

Send him over photos of what is missing (product shots) and ask could he check to see if it's come home by accident with his DD's stuff.

No blame and highest chance of success of getting it back.

rollonthesummer · 31/07/2016 20:20

Send him over photos of what is missing (product shots) and ask could he check to see if it's come home by accident with his DD's stuff.

Yep-this is sensible.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 31/07/2016 20:35

Yes Needs I've noticed the change of tack from MNHQ and have been enjoying that it's a nicer place to be :)

But these are borderline, so not reporting until I'm sure, I don't want to stop people if they just don't know the right way to say things.

Bee182814 · 31/07/2016 20:45

I'm sorry but I think you're being very unfair on your daughter here. You need to deal with it. As for keeping it from her father.... My cousin had a huge problem with me when we were kids and would be physically violent towards me at any given opportunity. My step mum used to make me promise not to tell my dad saying it would upset the whole family and we wouldn't be able to see them again (it was her sisters child who used to hit me) - your situation reminded me of this. Its basically emotional abuse to ask her to keep something that's upsetting her from her dad for fear of the repercussions. Pull your finger out and support your daughter fgs.

RubbleBubble00 · 31/07/2016 20:51

It's difficult. Can you afford to replace the make up yourself for your daughter? If I could afford it I'd probably let it go. You haven't made any mention of sil/ girls mum so is it just bil and the kids?

It's just going to be a nightmare he bil doesn't have a clue what makeup his daughter has so he's not going to be able to id. Then your going to have to go around and have a look.

RubbleBubble00 · 31/07/2016 20:52

plus there's no evidence the girl took it except her past history

LagunaBubbles · 31/07/2016 21:00

You need to consider your DDs feelings and approach your BIL. You haven't said what your nieces special needs are, does she understand that taking someone else's stuff is stealing?

ohtheholidays · 31/07/2016 21:09

OP do you live far from your BIL?
If not and you won't say anything is there anyway you could go and visit them and look for the make up whilst your there?ie they have an upstairs bathroom and you ask to use it and take a look in your nieces room.

We have 5DC and 2 of our DC are registered disabled,they're both autistic.There's no way I wouldn't want to know if my DC had taken something that wasn't they're property to take!

Like others have said your niece won't stop unless her parents step in and get her some help and support.

tigermoll · 01/08/2016 14:08

you could go and visit them and look for the make up whilst your there?ie they have an upstairs bathroom and you ask to use it and take a look in your nieces room

I think you might lose the moral high ground if you start nosying through other people's stuff under false pretences.

Original poster
plasticrose · 02/08/2016 18:16

just to say this didn't end well. Father informed, offered to look, but didn't know what he was looking for. so we gave up.
we are never going to bother telling him again, and other cousins took offence at the group chat request to see if it was 'accidently' picked up.

End result, not having them in my home for some time and if we have to they are not allowed upstairs at all.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 02/08/2016 18:23

I don't think you could have handled this any worse if you tried.

As you were repeatedly advised, you should have just asked the father straight away.

Banning all cousins from your house/ banning them from going upstairs because you think one of them is a thief is just going to make things worse.

You just need to forget about it now, about buy your daughter new make up.

myownprivateidaho · 02/08/2016 18:26

"Father informed, offered to look, but didn't know what he was looking for"

  • couldn't you send him links to pictures of the relevant items? Is there any chance that the niece will fess up? It seems a bit harsh to ban her if she genuinely doesn't realise that what she's doing is wrong (or perhaps doesn't think about it when she's doing it).
DeathStare · 02/08/2016 18:53

Anyone who takes offence at asking if it's been picked up accidentally is being ridiculous. Somebody has taken it - either accidentally or on purpose - and it's nicer to assume they did it accidentally. I know I've gone home with other people's stuff occasionally and haven't noticed until I've been unpacking a bag (usually when a number of kids are leaving somewhere at the same time).

If your BIL doesn't know what he's looking for either send him some links so he can look online or ask if it's OK for your DD to come round and have a look.

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