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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

light fingered relatives.

113 replies

plasticrose · 31/07/2016 14:41

my nieces has moderate special needs, she is a sweet girl, and all the family cousins get on well with each other. When she was small she was a bit light fingered with my daughters belongings. Or she would go in her bedroom and break or tear personal things like necklaces.
My BIL was apologetic but found it difficult to stop this impulsive behaviour. So we learnt over the years to sweep the house of anything she might be tempted by or destroy and hide it before she came.
For a long time she seemed to have grown out of this, and is now past her teens, although still not capable of independent life without support.
We had her over for a sleep over with all her cousins and they had a fantastic time. My daughter left her make up on her bed, the stuff she uses every day and is has now gone. This make up was worth over £100 and some of it was saved from christmas and birthday money and some my mum brought her together on a day out.
We cant tell her father, it wont end very well. there wont be any confession of guilt from her because although she grasps that she had belongings, other peoples are a bit 'fluid'.
If we tell BIL it will end up him getting cross with us for the whole situation,and its not worth it.
my daughter is very upset, and I feel so angry and frustrated with the whole thing. I cant let her come in to our home again as we cant trust her.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 31/07/2016 15:29

Your poor daughter: adults nicking her stuff and a mother who won't do anything about it.

I totally agree. What are you teaching her?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 31/07/2016 15:43

What are you teaching her?

That her mother cares more about her brother in law than her.

OP, you've give your daughter the money to replace the stuff guests in your house stole from her, right? And you're not having them in the house again?

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 31/07/2016 15:44

Why have you name-changed to start this thread?

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 31/07/2016 15:46

There's just been a thread deleted which was rife with disablist posts and your opening gambit is to point out your nieces moderate special needs. It doesn't sit right with me.

ohnoppp · 31/07/2016 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 31/07/2016 15:47

Of course you can ask for it back, don't be so wet.

Just text, 'Hi BIL, DN has accidentally packed DD's makeup bag with her stuff, please can you drop it back? Thanks, they had a great time last night, hope she enjoyed it.'

DeathStare · 31/07/2016 15:49

There's just been a thread deleted which was rife with disablist posts and your opening gambit is to point out your nieces moderate special needs. It doesn't sit right with me.

I agree. I think the assumption that if there's been a theft it must be the person with the special needs is disablist. At this point nobody knows who took the make-up. But I seem to be the only person saying to ask everyone about it. All the other pp seem to agree that it must be the niece. Don't get me wrong; it might turn out to be the niece, but we shouldn't just assume that it is.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/07/2016 15:55

I would say that the person who has the history of nabbing things and a 'fluid' interpretation of what is hers is the most likely person to have taken it sn or not. My ds has sn and doesn't nick things. One of his friends does though and if something goes missing I would look to him first. I'm sure if the op had said there was another person there without sn who is also known for taking stuff then people would say that one of them must have taken it rather than assuming it was the girl with sn.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 31/07/2016 15:56

I don't think it's disablist to assume somebody with a reputation for stealing was probably the thief. It's just common sense. Regardless of disability if she's done it before then I'd jump to the same conclusion.

I do however think texting all the parents is the best idea.

Scaredycat3000 · 31/07/2016 15:56

I think the assumption that if there's been a theft it must be the person with the special needs
Or
I think the assumption that if there's been a theft it must be the known thief.
The reason she is a thief is because of her SN, the reason she is allowed to continue to be a thief is because of her SN. That's called positive discrimination.

expatinscotland · 31/07/2016 15:59

I'd get that £100 back for my daughter no matter if it pissed off my own brother/BIL, the Pope. Don't be such a wet lettuce! This is your own daughter who had her stuff nicked.

Scaredycat3000 · 31/07/2016 15:59

And OP sort it out, ignoring it might be the easy path, but nobody is doing anybody any favors ignoring it.

DeathStare · 31/07/2016 16:05

I don't think it's disablist to assume somebody with a reputation for stealing was probably the thief. It's just common sense

But the OP says that the niece used to steal things when she was very small and that it hasn't happened for many years.

One of my siblings used to eat everyone else's chocolate/cake/sweets as a small child and then deny it. They grew out of it and are now an adult. If a chocolate bar went missing now it would be a bit mean to assume it was that sibling and expect them to replace it just because several decades ago as a small child they did that kind of thing.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 31/07/2016 16:08

Jones said thread the op-you're right deathstare my apologies.

I'd go with the group text op. And I'd definitely do it-your poor DD shouldn't have to lose her things.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/07/2016 16:15

It hasn't happened for years cos she's been hiding everything she would be likely to steal.

hollyisalovelyname · 31/07/2016 16:20

The light fingered niece's family need to know that the stealing is still going on.
How can they change things if they are unaware of it.
Your dd will totally resent her cousin if you do nothing about it.

FerdinandsMassiveBollocks · 31/07/2016 16:20

I hope you are planning on replacing it all OP if you aren't going to support her getting it back.

blankmind · 31/07/2016 16:20

wauden
"Out of interest, because I know someone very like this, who steals and breaks things of personal use to people. What type of moderate special needs are they called? Is there a name for her condition - Asperger's, Autism or something? Is the compulsion part of a wider pattern of behaviour? Hope you don't mind me asking."

Are you seriously insinuating that stealing is on the list of diagnostics for autism? Shock

Hope you've got a flame-proof suit.

TheWitTank · 31/07/2016 16:24

I would just phone or text saying that the make up has been accidentally packed with nieces stuff and you will pop over and get it. Why would he be angry about that (unless he is a totally unreasonable twat).

Dixiechickonhols · 31/07/2016 16:27

Text seems good then follow up withphone call. I think if niece has taken it her carers need to know. If she is stealing from family she may be stealing from others/shops and it may result in more hassle than an awkward phone call from you.

Many years ago when I was a trainees solicitor we had a client who had a long long conviction list for shoplifting. She had some form of special needs. The solicitor used to represent for free so she didn't have to be in court alone (didn't qualify for legal aid) All her convictions were local to where she lived apart from some when she has been sent to midlands on a course to help her. I can remember sitting in her mums living room and her mother despairing.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 31/07/2016 16:30

blankmind that was a leap Hmm

happypoobum · 31/07/2016 16:34

Agree with PP - Big Girl Pants. Send the text Matilda suggested.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/07/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Creampastry · 31/07/2016 16:35

You are allowing and enabling this disgusting behaviour. Contact the parents.

DeathStare · 31/07/2016 16:41

I would just phone or text saying that the make up has been accidentally packed with nieces stuff and you will pop over and get it. Why would he be angry about that (unless he is a totally unreasonable twat).

If I was with a group of people of and something went missing, and there was no evidence that it was me who took it apart from the fact that decades ago as a child I taken things but hadn't done so for many years, I would be fuming if I was accused like that. I don't think that would make me an unreasonable twat. And if the same thing happened to my child I'd be fuming on their behalf.