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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

light fingered relatives.

113 replies

plasticrose · 31/07/2016 14:41

my nieces has moderate special needs, she is a sweet girl, and all the family cousins get on well with each other. When she was small she was a bit light fingered with my daughters belongings. Or she would go in her bedroom and break or tear personal things like necklaces.
My BIL was apologetic but found it difficult to stop this impulsive behaviour. So we learnt over the years to sweep the house of anything she might be tempted by or destroy and hide it before she came.
For a long time she seemed to have grown out of this, and is now past her teens, although still not capable of independent life without support.
We had her over for a sleep over with all her cousins and they had a fantastic time. My daughter left her make up on her bed, the stuff she uses every day and is has now gone. This make up was worth over £100 and some of it was saved from christmas and birthday money and some my mum brought her together on a day out.
We cant tell her father, it wont end very well. there wont be any confession of guilt from her because although she grasps that she had belongings, other peoples are a bit 'fluid'.
If we tell BIL it will end up him getting cross with us for the whole situation,and its not worth it.
my daughter is very upset, and I feel so angry and frustrated with the whole thing. I cant let her come in to our home again as we cant trust her.

OP posts:

Kitsandkids · 31/07/2016 16:56

I agree with DeathStare. There was a group of cousins at a sleepover. One of them used to steal things several years ago but there has been no evidence of this for a long time. It might be her, or it might be another cousin who fancied the stuff and knew the other girl was more likely to be suspected.

SquinkiesRule · 31/07/2016 16:59

I'd just text, Can you please check through neices things from the sleepover as Dd's make up has all gone missing. No idea where, if she has it I'll come pick it up.
Don't beat about the bush. I had an Aunt who wasn't much older than me, she was banned from entering most of the shops in our small town due to being light fingered, she never got the concept of having to actually buy stuff, not just take it so she could try it/use it/play with it, bloody embarrassing for a young teen like me who went to town with her sometimes.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/07/2016 17:04

DeathStare if that group of people had been having to hide their things for years so you wouldn't take them and the one time they forgot to do it an item went missing and you were there I don't think it would be a massive leap for them to assume you had taken it.
You may think it's unfair that the girl isn't being given a second chance after not having stolen for years (though who knows if she would have if things hadn't been hidden) but I don't think sn has anything to do with it. A lot of people have the view of once a thief always a thief.

MadisonMontgomery · 31/07/2016 17:04

I would text everyone who has been for the sleepover, including your BIL, and ask if someone has packed your DD's makeup by mistake (detail what it is). Then see if you get any resolution from this. If not, then you're going to have to have some more difficult conversations with people. If it does turn out to be this niece, and she is still stealing, I don't think people are doing her any favours by fudging things.

DeathStare · 31/07/2016 17:09

DeathStare if that group of people had been having to hide their things for years so you wouldn't take them and the one time they forgot to do it an item went missing and you were there I don't think it would be a massive leap for them to assume you had taken it.
You may think it's unfair that the girl isn't being given a second chance after not having stolen for years (though who knows if she would have if things hadn't been hidden) but I don't think sn has anything to do with it. A lot of people have the view of once a thief always a thief.

I just think that accusing her is likely to be counter-productive. If one of the other kids has taken the stuff - or even if they have put it away somewhere that the OP/her DD would never think of - then assuming that is that specific niece isn't going to get it returned is it?

And it is likely to cause some bad feeling if one child/teen is accused when there is no evidence, and the OP seems keen to avoid that.

If a message is sent to all the parents then BIL can check whether or not it is his daughter without any hard feelings and without feeling like she has been accused.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/07/2016 17:21

But then the other kids (who, presumably, have no history of stealing) will feel accused when the op doesn't actually think it was them. A message asking if anyone has taken it by accident is a thinly veiled accusation I think.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/07/2016 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

plasticrose · 31/07/2016 17:34

my Dd has sent out a group chat asking in a friendly way if anyone has seen or picked it up by accident.
all have but this girl has responded.

I have to admit that i did see her in my daughters bedroom but assumed she was getting dressed in there while her other female cousins got dressed in the bathroom.

its true the others had equal access to my daughters room, but why would they take the stuff when they share clothes and my daughter has done their make up for special occasions in the past?

OP posts:

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/07/2016 17:35

You should talk to your brother (or BIL). He has no business to huff and puff about it; you're not making an issue, you just want the items to be returned. As they should be.

If you feel able to ask for things back, you'll be able to have her to stay in the future.

Amelie10 · 31/07/2016 17:40

It really sounds like she is the thief and besides she's done it in the past. Ask your bil directly about it.

Smurfnoff · 31/07/2016 17:43

All those of you saying 'It's unfair to assume it's the niece' - it's all very laudable, but if this had been a more valuable items and it became a police matter, who do you think they'd question first?

Asking the question may offend, but the OP's solution at the moment seems to be 'Don't say anything but don't invite her again' - which a) isn't really a solution at all and b) assumes guilt far more than asking the question does.

rollonthesummer · 31/07/2016 17:44

I don't understand your sentence--all have but this girl have responded

Are you saying all have seen it except her? All have replied?

CheshireChat · 31/07/2016 17:52

blankmind I think wauden meant is there a name for it like kleptomania etc. So like poor social skills can be a symptom of Aspergers.

Original poster

plasticrose · 31/07/2016 17:56

so, suggestions so far are to ring and ask BIL to look for make up?
we have asked niece and all other cousins to check to see if missing online, and she has just replied and said no hasnt seen the make up.

If we ring and ask bil to ask his daughter to check her make up, she wont hand it over, and may hide it. BIl has no idea what make up his daughter has, wont be able to pick it out. we could give description of the make up that might help.
Perhaps then it might be handed over.
or he could simply ask her, she says no and that's it.

or its found handed over and things are frosty for some time. esp as I am not going to bend and have them over again for while. I need to cool down as well.

OP posts:

Hulashaker · 31/07/2016 17:59

I think as all others have replied except the girl in question then your BIL can't really be offended by you following up with him - you've given her chance to reply but she hasn't

The value of these items is such that it's unreasonable to just let it go - good luck I hope your daughter gets it back

Bearbehind · 31/07/2016 18:00

I think, by not approaching your niece directly in the first place, you've missed your opportunity to resolve this now.

Your lack of action meant your daughter posted on social media, everyone except your niece said they hadn't seen it, so your niece had the perfect opportunity to say the same.

You can't do anything now.

I think you need to chalk this one up to experience- and buy your daughter new make up.

Amelie10 · 31/07/2016 18:03

If you do ask him and then he says he finds nothing, then at least your Niece will know that you won't be quiet if something goes missing. If they do find it and he gets frosty with you, then tough shit it's not your problem. It's their embarrassment that their DD stole. Either way don't stand by and do nothing.

happypoobum · 31/07/2016 18:03

Does BIL live close by? I would pretend I hadn't received neices message and just turn up saying you understand niece accidentally picked up DDs make up and you've just dropped in to pick it up.

If she is a serial thief though, she may have hidden it away somewhere....

If it can't be concluded then yes, you will have no option but to ban her, but I think it's reasonable that you explain to BIL why, even if it causes fallout.

DeathStare · 31/07/2016 18:08

So.... has your niece now replied saying she hasn't seen it? and the other cousins?

If she has I would now e-mail ALL the parents with a list of exactly what has gone missing and some links so that they know what each item looks like. If you know that the others don't own this make up themselves (if they have said so to your DD) then I would say that too.

Explain in your email that your DD has asked all the cousins but they all say that they haven't seen it, but that this make-up cost a lot of money and you need the parents' help in finding it.

greathat · 31/07/2016 18:09

As a teenager/early 20s I used to help out at residential camps for disabled kids. There was a downs girl who acquired the belongings of a number of other kids and hid them. They were all very upset. I told her off. She led me straight to where she'd hidden everything and didn't do it again... Your relative needs to return what's been taken

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 31/07/2016 18:19

It's horrible when parents put their own children last.

If you're going to have a policy of letting your family steal things from YOUR OWN CHILDREN and then ineffectually do nothing about because your brother in law might get upset, at least buy YOUR OWN CHILDREN replacements. You appear to be letting your family steal from YOUR OWN CHILDREN and doing nothing about it, putting them last.

Poor kid, who can't even keep stuff in her own bedroom without her own mother letting people steal it consequence free.

January87 · 31/07/2016 18:19

BIL should remove all her make up if he cannot pick out which is hers and which is your daughters. Your daughter can come over and pick out what's hers then.

Hulashaker · 31/07/2016 18:26

Also you say this is your BIL I would ask either your sister if it's her husband or your husband to talk to them (basically whoever is related not by marriage) if this was my BIL I would talk to my sister about it or tell my husband to talk to them whoever is the closest relation. I would prefer it coming from my sister than my BIL as the relationship is (normally) closer - unless in your case this isn't feasible

scoobyloobyloo · 31/07/2016 18:29

The young lady in question clearly does not have the cognitive ability to understand the boundaries in terms of 'mine' and 'yours'.
Calling her a thief and using words like stolen are presuming that she has the mental capacity to 'thieve' and 'steal'.
Greathat - your story about the 'downs girl' who stole. I know someone with brown hair who once stole - is that relevant?
I understand your issue OP - it wasn't done with the intent of stealing but has had the effect of stealing on your dd. Understandably your db can respond defensively on behalf of his daughter who he feels cannot defend himself. It's a tricky situation to offer advice on without knowing the people involved. I hope you find a solution - I don't think some of the more aggressive responses on here are relevant though.

Good luck

hollyisalovelyname · 31/07/2016 18:31

What I like about Mumsnet is all the different perspectives you get - things I hadn't thought about.
You get Súil eile - which is Irish and translates as 'another eye'.
It's particularly demonstrated on this thread.

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