to feel lukewarm about attending this second wedding?

[RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers]

Yes, I feel like a horrible person. But:

My friend got married a couple of years ago. Initially, she had quite big plans (wedding here and in Canada where she's from, big dress, etc. etc.), but she had to move the wedding forward a few weeks because of her job, and along the way she ended up with something a bit simpler. I was there and, with another good friend, we organised a hen do and (on the bride's response to us asking what she'd like) paid for someone to come and do her hair and makeup, and we did all the other things you do. It was a small wedding party - family and close friends - although I thought it was lovely.

At the time, she said she might organise a reception in Canada for friends from home who hadn't been able to make it. It was clear at this point that I would not be able to travel for this, for what it's worth.

Roll on two years, and I have got a save the date card for her 'wedding' in late 2017. Which, apparently, is the 'proper wedding' she thinks she didn't get. There is a link to a wedding website, a large gift list (including the suggestion guests donate for people back in Canada who can't come over here), and an RVSP. Within a week I had a chase-up phonecall asking if I'd got the Save the Date.

I am in two minds here. On the one hand, she is a friend, who ended up having a much smaller wedding than she obviously wanted, and she will clearly be upset if I don't come. On the other, I feel a bit treated as a cash cow/prop in her weddings, and - if all goes smoothly - I will have a still quite new baby when her second wedding takes place. We're not announcing the pregnancy for another six weeks, but even if we could say that was the reason for turning down the invitation, I still feel fed up. Am I being unfair?

Is she going to wear a wedding dress again?

Personally, I'd go if it was a close friend but there's little chance I'd give a second present (I also don't do engagement presents unless I'm not attending the wedding). Tbh, I'd assume that the gift comment was for people who hadn't attended the first one and if it got commented on by the bride then I'd say exactly that!

Bonkers friend's second (ahem) wedding:

Priest: Does anyone have any objections as to why this couple cannot be married? Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Whole congregation: Yeah we do, they're already married!

Just decline in writing politely & say you're not able to attend & will let her know nearer the day (baby) & hat nothing will top her first wedding ‼️

I got married when I was 19 and that was the full monty my parents wanted with all bells and whistles and friends and family etc etc.

Then when that marriage broke down very shortly afterwards and ten years later I met and fell in love with my second husband we didn't have a 'wedding' as such at all. We got married in a registry office with no guests and a couple of friends as witnesses. We had no gifts from anyone.

Twenty six years later we're still married and in love. I don't think money spent and things and presents are what makes a marriage.

I understand that different people have different values but I think about celebrity types who have renewal of vows within a few years of their original weddings and it always seems to coincide with them splitting up not long after.

I wouldn't go to the second wedding. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Wish her well of course but there is no obligation on you to spend money to keep a friendship going. If there was an obligation then what sort of friendship is that anyway? I love my friends for who they are not for what they spend on me or what they do for me. Part of who they are that makes me love them is that they feel the same way about me.

I wouldn't go to the second wedding. First sounds lovely and you went out of your way t make her happy. She obviously didn't feel it was what she wanted, but that's not your problem. Depending on how good a friend she is, I would be inclined to make my excuse, send a well wishes card on the day and leave it at that.

btw Merthyr Tydfil is spelt with an f as f is pronounced as a v in Welsh, and ff is pronounced as an f sorry, this bugged me

Your friend sounds very spoilt to me. She didn't get the perfect wedding so she has another one 2 years later? Nope, make the most of the one you have in the first place. It doesn't mean anything getting married to the same man 2 yrs later! "Oh congratulations on your wedding.....even though you have been married for 2 years!" Crazy. She needs to get over herself!

I would go to the wedding if you feel oike it (and it's possible with a new baby) but I wouldn't involve myself in all the preparation the way you had and nor would I feel like I had to give her anything big for the 'second' wedding.

I have to say I understand the idea of a second wedding in Canada so that she can celebrate her wedding with all her family/freinds there. I'm more about a wedding HERE and asking people to pay for her relatives to come over!

Oh I agree with a PP. Her marriage is struggling and she is trying to 'save it'.

Our priest advised us to renew our vows silently every time we go to a wedding and are prompted as to what we actually promised. Works very well for me and ensures I'll blub.

This week we are replacing our toaster which has given up the ghost rather spectacularly by repeatedly tripping the circuit breakers. It was a wedding present. Quietly proud of having a marriage last longer than the toaster.

I wouldn't go, what a "look at me" thing to do. Marriage is about commitment not the venue, dress, size etc. I'd also be reconsidering friendship with such a shallow person.

Vow renewals are usually for struggling marriages (usually after cheating) to pretend all is ok rather than deal with the issues.

How about just be honest with her? If she's a good friend, she might not have anyone else to point out the obviousness of this attention seeking!

If you feel like this, doubtless others probably will too. You might save her her humility.....

I would be rolling my eyes at this too, but if you say anything to her that suggests you don't think it's a brilliant idea you'll probably offend her for life.

Realistically I fear your only option is to say ''Lovely!" then come up with a cast-iron excuse why you can't make it (whether baby-related or something else) nearer the time. I suspect you won't be alone!

I had two "weddings". First one was v small due to limitations of space in family home, we had to limit it to five friends each, after the rellies. It was also far away from where we were living and we had quite a few skint friends who would have found shelling out for somewhere to stay the night etc, pretty tricky. Rather than hire somewhere larger, we had a second blessing where we were living, and relaxed open party, where people could bring their children etc. Only a week apart though, and although a few people did come to both ( some family members and close friends who lived near us) Mostly it was one or the other. I also did not expect two presents, obv!! Two years apart is a renewal of vows thing surely? In which case she shouldn't be expecting things like a hen night or wedding gifts. I realise I have never been to a vow renewal, do people buy small presents like wine, or nothing at all? I think asking people to pay into a fund to bring rellies over from Canada is beyond the pale. If this was my friend I would repeatedly refer to it as a "renewal of vows" and refuse to engage in any expensive shennanigans. I would go to the service though, and any celebratory party, just as I would go to a birthday party. Two years is a strange time though, terribly soon really for a vow renewal, and far too late for a second celebration. Surely people will assume her marriage is on the rocks/riddled with affairs/ plunging to its doom ?

Unless you want a holiday to canada and you could 'pop by for the day' then i wouldnt bother. If she wasnt satisfied last time whats to say she wont be satisfied this time? Oh and if you throw a small baby into that mix i think its a recipe for a disaster! Just fob her off with 'not sure's and dont quite know yet's, then invite her over for a baby shower!!!!! 😜

YANBU. I get why this is awkward, she is a friend you care about after all but it seems she is a bit carried away with herself and over estimates how much her wedding day meant to everyone else. You have to focus on the bride for the special day but after that they're just another Mrs!
Could you text her and just say:
Thanks for invite, glad you settled on a date. I won't be able to come because I too have some (unofficial) news and that time will be very busy for us. Will tell you more soon and hope the Canadians make it! X
Or something to that effect?

And surely Mohammed should go to the mountain? If she wants to celebrate with her Canadian relatives, erm, go to Canada. Cheaper for two flights than to try and raise money for god know how many will want to come from across the pond.

This person sounds extremely self absorbed and isn't thinking about other people and what commitments or financial commitments they may have in life, I would casually tell her that I have her save the date card and decline next year after you have had your baby, if she is a good friend she will understand that other people have lives too and may rethink her attitude, she sure does like wedding cake and spending money.

Shes taking the mick having a gift list the second time round. I am getting married in a few weeks and couldnt bring myself to ask for gifts / money. Its enough that people have to travel, outfit, accommodation or taxi etc. To be honest, I dont think you'll be alone in not wanting to go again. It sounds like maybe its her fantasy that others wont be overly bothered about.
Congratulations OP and good luck

From your point of view, you knew there would be a second ceremony that you would not be attending (because you were expecting it to be in Canada for a start). Obviously the location and timing years later have come as a surprise.

I'm assuming that her first wedding did not include a gift list due to the nature of the ceremony. Not that I think it's a good reason to have one now and I am simply gobsmacked at the thought of her asking for donations to fund guests!

Is it definitely not in Canada?

She's taking the p@ss!

Don't fret about it, you won't be able to go anyway.

You'll have a baby over 6 months old and I guarantee that the wedding will be child free - 'to enable the parents to let their hair down and enjoy themselves properly.'

And incidentally I expect the wedding to be in a castle they have hired for exclusive use (rooms £250 per night) miles from anywhere. Which means you'd have to leave the baby for 2 nights, which I doubt you'll want to do.

Wow some people really think they are so entitled don't they? I would just tell her no, you did a lot for her first wedding as it is, you've already given a gift (expecting a second is very rude!) and you will have a new baby, you've given a lot to her already, time to put yourself first. If she's a decent friend she will understanding that it's not something you can do right now. She shouldn't be expecting you too either, you've done enough. If she doesn't understand and accept then maybe she isn't a true friend.

Actually, does that mean there is another engagement party and a hen night ?

The birth of their pfb is going to be the second coming, there will be several baby showers and christenings.

m and s do little ceramic cow creamers for £5. fantastic wedding present when you dont want to give any actual money.