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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel lukewarm about attending this second wedding?

153 replies

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 31/07/2016 01:51

Yes, I feel like a horrible person. But:

My friend got married a couple of years ago. Initially, she had quite big plans (wedding here and in Canada where she's from, big dress, etc. etc.), but she had to move the wedding forward a few weeks because of her job, and along the way she ended up with something a bit simpler. I was there and, with another good friend, we organised a hen do and (on the bride's response to us asking what she'd like) paid for someone to come and do her hair and makeup, and we did all the other things you do. It was a small wedding party - family and close friends - although I thought it was lovely.

At the time, she said she might organise a reception in Canada for friends from home who hadn't been able to make it. It was clear at this point that I would not be able to travel for this, for what it's worth.

Roll on two years, and I have got a save the date card for her 'wedding' in late 2017. Which, apparently, is the 'proper wedding' she thinks she didn't get. There is a link to a wedding website, a large gift list (including the suggestion guests donate for people back in Canada who can't come over here), and an RVSP. Within a week I had a chase-up phonecall asking if I'd got the Save the Date.

I am in two minds here. On the one hand, she is a friend, who ended up having a much smaller wedding than she obviously wanted, and she will clearly be upset if I don't come. On the other, I feel a bit treated as a cash cow/prop in her weddings, and - if all goes smoothly - I will have a still quite new baby when her second wedding takes place. We're not announcing the pregnancy for another six weeks, but even if we could say that was the reason for turning down the invitation, I still feel fed up. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 31/07/2016 08:23

This is one of the most utterly ridiculous things I have ever heard. I suppose I might go, if there was nothing on TV that night, but I certainly wouldn't be spending any money on it.

Bodicea · 31/07/2016 08:25

I love a good "do"so I would go ( baby permitting) and just give a little token present of some chocolates or something equally inexpensive. I would hope she would at least be polite enough not to call you out on that.

Roussette · 31/07/2016 08:32

Don't go!

She's already said that this second wedding malarkey is for people who didn't/couldn't come to the first one so that excuses you!

Mad idea it really is.

throwingpebbles · 31/07/2016 08:32

It probably is a "look at me" thing, but looking at this another way, large weddings are actually a lovely time for big extended families etc to come together.
I remember at my grandads funeral my great uncle said he couldn't wait for me and my siblings to start getting married as then the far flung family would gather at happy occasions again too.
To my regret I was too ill to have a big wedding like he wanted, but thankfully my siblings did.

Crunchymum · 31/07/2016 08:35

Depends where wedding is, how old baby will be and how much you like this person?

Myself I think it's an absolute cheek. Especially after all you did for her first time round.

Snowflakes1122 · 31/07/2016 08:35

Yanbu. You don't/can't marry someone you are already married to. It's ridiculous.

toptoe · 31/07/2016 08:39

Can you see it another way: as a party for you all to attend? Choose a cheap present off the guest list. If she asks, say you already contributed to her marriage a couple of years ago. Ignore the plea to pay for other guests to travel over - that is not on. If they can't afford to come, tough!!! Just accept the save a date - it's not an official invite. Then, when you announce your pregnancy and the official invites come out, you can choose then if you will be able to go. Lots of people say no if they have little ones to look after.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/07/2016 08:41

I think you have to treat it as a vow renewal/anniversary party. Id guess it's going to cost them £30-60pp to host you, so that's probably why they're asking for gifts.

Pestilence13610 · 31/07/2016 08:44

WTAF
Why doesn't see just go to Canada for a holiday and have a nice party for her friends and family there.
Two weddings in this country is mad.

diddl · 31/07/2016 08:49

I don't understand the donate for people in Canada.

Donate money to fly some over??

Anyway what is it?

A vow renewal?

A blessing?

Only warrants a small present if at all if you've already done it for the same people.

StealthPolarBear · 31/07/2016 08:51

" I have such treasured memories of helping with first one."

This, except I'd use the word "actual" instead of "first" :o

diddl · 31/07/2016 08:51

Forgot to say that yanbu to not be very interested in whatever it is just 2years after the wedding.

GnomeDePlume · 31/07/2016 08:52

YANBU OP. I would find this a bit insulting as the message is very much that the first go wasnt good enough. That is a slap in the face to the OP and the other friend considering the efforts they put in on the first wedding.

BerriesandLeaves · 31/07/2016 08:54

I didn't understand suggestion guests donate for people back in Canada who can't come over here either. I read it as she wants you to buy extra presents to make up for the fact the Canadians won't be coming to the wedding and bringing wedding presents. Surely no one would request that though.

Casmama · 31/07/2016 08:54

Just noticed that there is an RSVP Shock. I would just say thanks for the save the date, I can't possibly commit to something over a year away.

Scarydinosaurs · 31/07/2016 09:01

I understand it as she had originally wanted a Canadian second celebration, but is now having it in the UK. Hence the 'donate to get my candidate guests here' request.

Just say you received it, and decline the actual invitation.

fluffypacman · 31/07/2016 09:03

One of my best friends had two weddings. One at home and one in Germany where her OH is from. I must say it was lovely but the gap was a couple of months between the two. No, I didn't give two gifts and we viewed the trip as a bit of a holiday and went off to the Bavarian Alps for a week afterwards. She's the most unassuming person I know and it was done for German friends and family and any extra special friends who were able to go. I didn't have a baby though and Germany is still Europe. I wouldn't fancy taking a new born through numerous time zones just as they're getting a sense of night and day. Maybe the gap is due to financial reasons? As the second do was always on the cards I think it's lovely you've got the invitation but obviously doesn't suit you due to your circumstances so you can decline if that's what you want to do when you're able to announce your lovely news.

Only1scoop · 31/07/2016 09:04

Donate to what? Their airfares?

Bloody hell there's some grabby fill around.

If the bride and groom want them at their second wedding 'show' then they should pay....

Did you get a gift for her first wedding?

I don't think I'd want to go

Boogers · 31/07/2016 09:06

She sounds like a bridezilla, and the 'wedding' in 2017 is more of a renewal of vows. I totally get that she wants a wedding in the UK and in Canada, but two years apart? I'd be inclined to use the line a pp mentioned; "oh do fuck off dear, I gave to the first wedding".

dangerrabbit · 31/07/2016 09:16

She sounds like a bit of a princess. I'd decline as canada is too far away to visit for such a celebration but send her a token gift to acknowledge the day.

diddl · 31/07/2016 09:17

So she still hasn't organised anything for Canada??

Berthatydfil · 31/07/2016 09:27

Tell her you can't commit 100% to something so far in advance but you've pencilled it into your calendar.
In the meantime don't commit further or engage in any requests to organise hen party etc if she asks about gifts remind her that you organised her hen and paid for her hairdresser the first time and make it clear you're not playing a similar role this time.
Enjoy your pregnancy and decide if you wish to attend much nearer the date.

StatisticallyChallenged · 31/07/2016 09:46

That's bonkers. It's basically a vow renewal - now I don't have a problem with renewing vows, we're renewing ours soon which I know is generally met with scorn on mumsnet. But its 10 years on, we're doing something much smaller and more intimate than our wedding was, putting a lot of thought in to the actual ceremony and vows, have only invited our closest friends and have paid for all accommodation so it will literally cost our guests the fuel to drive there. And absolutely no bloody gift list, no gifts expected at all. The only thing we're asking of our guests is to attend.

JustHappy3 · 31/07/2016 09:51

Well - sometimes friends do stuff that seems a bit self involved. But it's not like she's set out to hurt you - or murdered anyone. Even tho i agree it's very irritating.
I would seethe a little in private and joyously verbally accept the invitation.
Then in 6 weeks when you are ready to announce your news you let her know how hapoy you are even tho you are gutted you won't be able to make it.

Janecc · 31/07/2016 09:52

Tinkly what you want to do is the exact opposite and it's all about the two of you showing commitment to eachother with no one else involved. So it's not an over indulgement and more recognising your love. Ops friend is after gifts and dosh and spending wads of cash and wanting others to do the same.

I'll watch out for the spread in hello magazine. Will she be wearing a new dress and insisting everyone gets a. new outfit? Wink

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