to feel lukewarm about attending this second wedding?

[RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers]

Yes, I feel like a horrible person. But:

My friend got married a couple of years ago. Initially, she had quite big plans (wedding here and in Canada where she's from, big dress, etc. etc.), but she had to move the wedding forward a few weeks because of her job, and along the way she ended up with something a bit simpler. I was there and, with another good friend, we organised a hen do and (on the bride's response to us asking what she'd like) paid for someone to come and do her hair and makeup, and we did all the other things you do. It was a small wedding party - family and close friends - although I thought it was lovely.

At the time, she said she might organise a reception in Canada for friends from home who hadn't been able to make it. It was clear at this point that I would not be able to travel for this, for what it's worth.

Roll on two years, and I have got a save the date card for her 'wedding' in late 2017. Which, apparently, is the 'proper wedding' she thinks she didn't get. There is a link to a wedding website, a large gift list (including the suggestion guests donate for people back in Canada who can't come over here), and an RVSP. Within a week I had a chase-up phonecall asking if I'd got the Save the Date.

I am in two minds here. On the one hand, she is a friend, who ended up having a much smaller wedding than she obviously wanted, and she will clearly be upset if I don't come. On the other, I feel a bit treated as a cash cow/prop in her weddings, and - if all goes smoothly - I will have a still quite new baby when her second wedding takes place. We're not announcing the pregnancy for another six weeks, but even if we could say that was the reason for turning down the invitation, I still feel fed up. Am I being unfair?

She's not BU in wanting the day of her dreams

LOL. She is BVU in attempting to execute a do-over so she gets "the day of her dreams."

Sorry but one wedding per couple. No do-overs, no 'vow renewals' etc. which as a pp said a nothing more than 'look at me' parties and often gift grabs.

People need to decide which they want more - the dream day or the legal/social/emotional benefits of being married. You don't get to leverage the latter but still pretend you aren't married when you feel like having a big do with yourself as center of attention.

Have an anniversary party in normal attire, with location, food & drink intended to please your guests, not yourself, and no forced audience for a fakey ceremony, etc., if you want to "celebrate" that you are married, well after the fact.

Has the card been worded so that you could make a joke about not realising they'd got divorced in order to get married again, or will she be the first or second Mrs XXX if she's having a second marriage? Or to say that you're sorry, you're not able to make it to Canada (and deliberately misunderstand what she's put).

Whatever you reply, I'd make sure that I referred to it as a vow renewal or a blessing and not an actual wedding!

I wouldn't be able to go if it was me as I wouldn't be able to contain the fact that I think that it is completely stupid, wasteful and self-centred.

I think it's a nice idea, she couldn't afford the wedding she wanted so now with more money is doing it agin. If that floats her boat then why not.

However I don't think she can take offence if people don't want to or aren't able to attend seen as its her 2nd marriage to the same man

If it was me I would go and enjoy myself but I have the budget for that. if you can't afford to go or wouldn't enjoy yourself anyway then make an excuse and politely decline

Maybe she needs a new kettle and toaster??

If you want to go, go.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

If you want to go but don't want to contribute a second wedding present, then don't. (Though how hair and make up as a group of hens contribution counts, I'm not getting. How expensive can that be? Having said that, I did my own make up and had someone from the hotel service do my hair - cheap and lovely).

I don't get the AIBU pages any more. They seem to be predominantly 'Can I have a moan and everyone justify my behaviour' issues.

If someone is your friend, why can't you simply be happy for them, understand that their needs are different to yours, accept that what they spend their money on, and how, is none of your business and talk to them openly and and honestly.

How about:
I was quite surprised that you're going through with the second wedding idea - your original celebration was lovely. I was even more suprised that wedding 2 is here and not Canada. I hope to be there and have the date in my calendar. I can't promise firmly so if this is an issue I totally understand - don't feel obliged to keep a space for me - I was part of the first so won't feel I'm missing out.

An honest, friendly response. No one being a horrible person. No one judging. Simples

It's a bit of a slap in the face!

'Hey, you know the wedding you helped me plan and did so much for - well, it was crap, so I'm having another one, please save the date, this one HAS to be better so I haven't told you about it in case you offer to help again'.

You didn't know she was going to do this, so are you no longer that close?

How about.... 'I'm so sorry the wedding we organised wasn't quite up to par, but you seem pretty married to me. I'm busy that weekend, I hope you enjoy the party'.

In reality I'd make up an excuse, I'd just spend the day with a face like a slapped arse so better not go.

sorry what?
two weddings int he same country for the same people plus donations for people who ccant afford it?

sorry to be blunt shes a selfish mare-its not about her family its about her showing off

if she truly wanted people there from canada she would go there and do it

Either go and enjoy it or politely decline the invite and forget about it

My birthday party last year wasn't big, maybe I could have another? This is such attention grabbing nonsense.

If she is a really good friend you could just tell her what you think. I imagine a lot of close friends and family won't turn up to an annual wedding gig and it might be kind to be cruel and be the one who tells her this is bonkers.

mamma - well, AIBU has always been a good place for a moan. And had everyone come along and provided me with sensible reasons why I was being a bit of an arse, I might have responded differently. But they haven't!

Since you ask, hair/makeup between the two of us (not the hens - you didn't read the OP properly, but then, that was never in the tradition of AIBU either) was quite pricey. And we certainly didn't do it instead of presents, either.

It is useful putting this sort of thread on AIBU, whatever you might think - it's surprisingly hard to get a sense of whether or not you're overreacting with the grinch-like feelings.

C'mon, we had bunfights about the right sort of towel washing routine on AIBU, surely this is worthier ?

We could try for a bunfight here, I'd be perfectly happy. But you're all far too goddam reasonable.

This is mad
Should i have a second 40th and ask for donations for friends in N.Y who weren't at the first?

Tbh I'd struggle to stop myself asking "are you on glue".

Well, even if it's not "super religious", if it involves a celebrant from her religion, they it could well be that as far as her family are concerned she's "only" legally married and need to have the marriage recognised by whichever god they worship. To get the marriage blessed, make it "real"

I have a Hindu friend who's religious marriage ceremony was on one weekend then a week later they had the civil service (this had about 100 people and a big evening disco, so not like just the formalities being done), the couple count the religious ceremony as their wedding date, not the legal one. And as I said up thread, on the continent it's pretty common as a church wedding isn't legally binding, most of those who have the two ceremonies on different days count the religious one as the "real" wedding.

This also could be an exercise in bowing to family pressure if family are religious or if the couple excused not hosting a big wedding and leaving some family out (if it's the done thing in their family) by promising a large "real" wedding later.

Don't assume it's about being grabby or not thinking what you helped organise wasn't good, talk to her, find out if there's a reason why. If she always said she'd have a second wedding (albeit in Canada) then it could well be she never thought of the date she got legally married as her "wedding day", more the day the contracts got signed, "wedding day" would come later.

But surprised at a pp saying "how expensive can hair and make up be". Even at the lower prices it isn't cheap (fair enough as you are paying for a service).

I'd probably go - as long as I didn't incur any major costs to do so, and if loads of my friends were going.

But not if it was going to cost more than £100 in train/accommodation and not if I had a little baby.

Wow. Will there be a third Canada wedding you'll be asked to fork out to go to too?!

Dinosaur, I know couples who've done that but it hasn't involved trying to get two gifts or suggesting donations for people from abroad.

think youve missed the point dinosaur

yes there are lots of people who have two ceremonies for religious reasons

this isnt one of them she wasn impressed with her frist wedding so wants a do over

Most couples who do a registry office/ religious split do them close together and one (usually the religious one) is the wedding though. Couple of years later and new gift list plus donations is milking it. Christening anniversaries and half-birthdays will be next.

Now when did we move here, 10 year housewarming party coming up I think, wonder if I can get away with a JL gift list.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong if you say no considering they've already had a wedding, however I do think some of the comments on here re renewals are very harsh.

My parents renewed their vows at their 25th wedding anniversary (I think, I was too young to remember but I'm sure it's been mentioned in the family) and a few months ago for their 50th. It was nothing to do with being grabby or wanting attention. They had a party for both (my siblings and I organised a surprise party for their 40th) but specified no presents as it was never about material things (though most people got them something anyway). It was a chance for them to celebrate with the friends and family that love them/they love. They eloped, so didn't have a big wedding with everyone around them so I am glad they have had chances to celebrate with the people that mean the most to them since. Why shouldn't you feel able to celebrate your marriage with the people that you love?

That said...a second "wedding" after a first, in the same country, to the same man is a bit ridiculous if you're expecting presents too.

I always thought marriage vows were permanent and did not need to be renewed. If people want to privately recommit or say "I'm glad we have been married so long," fine, but why do they need an audience for a re-enactment?

As to the civil/religious ceremonies that occur within days of each other, that is fine because the civil requirement is somewhat out of the control of people who feel the need for a religious ritual as well. But if they start to live as man and wife before the "real" and "sacred" wedding, it is a bit eye-rolling. Can't have it both ways.

People focused on the "me me me" aspect of wedding ceremonies tend to forget that the contract is with society and that it tends to confer many favorable and in some cases financially lucrative rights and privileges and preferences.

To avail oneself of all of those (in the US it's something like 1,000-plus legal rights that marrieds have and non-marrieds don't) but then say "Oh we will enjoy all the benefits of marriage but we "really" aren't married till we have a big party a year or so later" is greedy at the very least.

She sounds ridiculous. I wouldn't go.

Yes they are permanent lilac but if you want to stand up and say your vows again, or maybe say different ones years later that better reflect who you are, then what is actually wrong with that? In general it's not hurting anyone, nobody is obliged to come, most people don't ask for or expect gifts...

Personally although our wedding was perfectly nice on the face of it, behind the scenes it was utterly ruined by our families in the run up and on the day. By the time it came to it we went ahead because we wanted to be married but there was so much horrible and hurtful crap said that we said before we even got married that one day we'd renew our vows our way. The only folk we've invited are a few of our closest friends and it's pretty low key, quiet ceremony then a bbq!

You don't want to renew your vows, that's fine. But some people do for a whole load of reasons and there's no need to be quite so nasty as some of the comments have been.