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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another thread about MIL..

95 replies

OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 18:04

I know I'm most certainly not being unreasonable but I'm actually just so pissed off with her. It's the most trivial of things which is why it makes this so much worse!!!!

Just to clarify, my MIL is controlling and VERY toxic, I try to basically have limited contact, however DD was starting to do and say things MIL had been telling her/showing her that we had asked her not to do - obviously MIL point blank ignored us and carried on doing it anyway this led to us doing supervised activities when MIL would usually take her.

Back story:
I went shopping with my mum a few weeks ago now, I get a text off MIL asking to do the garden and that if I was busy I could leave the keys with her. I text back and said ''sorry MIL, I'm already out'' as I was already travelling to said destination at the time, I couldn't leave my keys.
So I got no reply - that usually means she's upset about something.

Anyway, get back from shopping trip, go pick up DD from nursery, get home and at about 6:10pm the door rings. My mum is still with me at this point.
I answer the door and it's MIL. I kind of looked at her a bit gone out because she hadn't text to say she was coming and she knew I was busy that day so I just said 'Hi, I've got my mum round at the moment'' at which point my mum pops around the door to say hi. MIL says ''Oh I just came to drop two bags of play sand off... I'll go get them now'' so I said ok, she came back and I thanked her for the sand and she said she would see me Saturday the day we normally go out and do stuff together with DD.
I agreed said I'd see her then.

Anyway the next day I got a text off my dad saying he needed to see me Saturday, so I decided to cancel the Saturday with MIL as she had previously cancelled 3 Saturdays in 1 month I didn't see the issue with it, and this was my first time having to cancel it.

The next thing I get is a phone call off DH telling me he's had a call of his dad and apparently MIL has a huff on because I was impolite and pulled my face at the door. He then goes on to say that it's because I've cancelled Saturday....

Long story short, she hasn't bothered to come see her granddaughter now for nearly 1 month because I politely texted her clarifying that I wasn't impolite that I thanked her, that I would see her Saturday but due to circumstances had to cancel which I didn't think would be an issue given than she cancelled on me 3 times in 1 month.
I can't help feeling like she's throwing her dummy out the pram because she made plans and I cancelled them.

She hasn't spoken to DH since and is basically giving everyone the silent treatment - something she does every time we have had an issue to raise with her, she point blank refuses to accept responsibility or fault for anything.

Why are MIL's twats? It's such a trivial fucking thing as well. I feel so annoyed by her.

OP posts:
finova · 29/07/2016 19:32

Well not inviting her in is a boundary.
If you've not come across a character like this it all sounds rather strange. But usual social niceties don't work. In fact my mil relied on my politeness when overstepping the mark. A counsellor told me to stop being so polite and 'speak the language' they understand-which is blunt and pushy.
So no I wouldn't always invite someone in regardless.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/07/2016 19:33

You sound as bad as her. You don't invite her in when your mothers there? It's not her fault if your mother is rough. You were beyond rude there.

Enjoyingthepeace · 29/07/2016 19:34

Honestly OP, you and your mil sound like characters off Eastenders

Original poster
OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 19:36

There is so much she has done over the years. The thing is I have always tried to be nice and accommodate her, I truly have.

I never considered her to be toxic I just thought she was very nice and thoughtful but if you said no to her she would victimise herself and tell the world how horrid I was. I only realised this year (after 8 years) that she might actually have a narcissistic problem.
I went to visit her parents over the summer with DH and we spoke to them about it, because of the wedding incident and her mum said to me that she had never spoken about it before but she felt DH mum had a mental health condition. Now that speaks volumes.
She told me that my DH mum had regularly upset her own mum and reduced her to tears.

Anyway, I left that day feeling a sense of relief, that I wasn't the only person suffering in silence.

I literally cry when I think back to how she treated me when my DD was born. I missed out on so much. There isn't a single picture of me with my daughter, she made sure to take all the pics of her holding her and there's only one with my back to the camera and my daughter propped over my shoulder.

OP posts:
Original poster
OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 19:38

Tigger my mother isn't rough, now piss off being rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 19:41

Finova I have actually found that being more blunt has worked but then backfired because shes gotten huffy about it. There isn't really a way to work with her. I think I should take the silent treatment from her as a blessing in disguise.

OP posts:
Original poster
OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 19:44

Sweetsummersweetpea think you're misunderstanding. I would normally invite MIL in. But on this occasion I didn't. Firstly because she turned up unannounced, secondly because I had my own mum around and I knew they would clash. And thirdly because she told me she was only dropping the sand off and not stopping.

I don't care what people do in their situations. I did what I did based on my own set of circumstances.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 29/07/2016 19:47

Why are you bothering with her?
She doenst like you, you don't like her

Tell your DH tonight that in light if his mother's recent behaviour you will be dropping the top with her. That means you will no longer communicate with her or see her unless it's with DH. He can now deal with her 100%

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/07/2016 19:51

I'm not being rude. You said brassy, which translates as rough. Pulling faces at the poor woman and not inviting her in to her own sons home while you have your mother there is rude. If my child did that in front of me I'd be stunned and pick them up on it, they weren't brought up to be so rude. I'm guessing it's not the only thing you're doing to her, you see it as normal. The problem here may not be all you, I don't know without hearing her side, but you are certainly part of it. But you won't see that if you don't know any different.

joloho35 · 29/07/2016 20:05

Hugs. Sounds like my own DM. Distance is the best thing for your own mental health.

fabulous01 · 29/07/2016 20:09

I am with you. The good thing is that she isn't speaking at the minute. Enjoy :)

emotionsecho · 29/07/2016 20:13

In fairness the OP did say in her opening post that this was trivial and one in a long line of much more difficult incidents.

I suspect your MIL deliberately turned up without prior notice because you were out when she asked to come and do the garden. MIL turned up with the sand as an excuse because she wanted to know who you were out with and what you had been doing.

If you turn up unannounced at someone's house, whoever that person may be, you run the risk of not being invited in as it is either not convenient or, as in this case, there is someone else there and it is not in the interest of that person or the homeowner to invite you in.

The arrangement to meet the following Saturday was cancelled due to circumstances beyond the OP's control and perfectly acceptable for her to have done so. If the MIL, who is not averse to cancelling arrangements herself, was any sort of reasonable adult she would have accepted the cancellation with good grace and rearranged another time as pretty much 99.9% of people would and do.

BigGirlsDontCry1 · 29/07/2016 20:22

There are a hell of a lot of narcissists here on MN, like every other thread! 🤔

And....a lot of threads where the OP refuses to take on any advice/offerings because that are deffo not being unreasonable! What's the point of posting if you ain't (😉) gonna listen?

For the record my MIL is the worlds worst 😬

BigGirlsDontCry1 · 29/07/2016 20:23

they not that !

happypoobum · 29/07/2016 21:13

Big Girls according to the US National Institute of Health, which has carried out extensive studies on the subject, 10% of the US population has either BPD or NPD or a combination of both.

It seems fair to assume the percentage in the UK would be similar, and fairer still to assume that those people would be the subject of threads raised on forums such as MN.

Shizzlestix · 29/07/2016 21:30

YANBU IMO. She sounds foul-cut you out of all of the pictures of you and your DD?! Don't let her do things for you, it gives her a sense of entitlement. Cut her off, op, let your DH deal.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/07/2016 21:31

Or the authors (not saying the op has either, I'm not qualified to say, and don't really think it anyway), the figure surely must stand both ways if any.

Stevefromstevenage · 30/07/2016 08:39

Okay OP. First thing if you are starting a new thread in your MIL please do link the back story because I agree with many from the very little context at the start you were being unreasonable but with the additional information down thread which may or may not be picked up by other posters you clearly are not being unreasonable.

I know exactly the type of person you are talking about and we should get your MIL together with my FIL they would start a new universe with the Big Bang created.

It is a constant battle trying to get them to listen to what you have actually said. I will give an example FIL came down to help us with something for a week a number of weeks back, we did not ask he insisted, he suggest something dangerous on Monday, I said no I don't think that would work, he suggested the same thing on multiple times every day he was down as if I had never heard it before. I got less and less detailed in my responses as the week went on. He texted me yesterday to say he had got what we needed to do X thing. I am ready to strangle him at this stage. But that is the head banging thing against the wall you are dealing with. I try to be polite with FIL but I am willing to be forceful when the need arises because that is what you are dealing with. They have no problem railroading you so you need to stand strong and railroad back. At least in my family all of his children and wife are in the same boat as me and understand exactly what he is like I can assure you if I was listening to them giving out to me like your FIL I would be nc by now. Good luck

LagunaBubbles · 30/07/2016 08:48

Why ask to get the thread deleted, just because some people have disagreed with you? HmmConfused

ClaireVoyante · 30/07/2016 09:05

OP I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think you need to justify yourself.

I would keep MIL at arms length, life is too short for all this shit. Flowers

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