Another thread about MIL..

[OMGomgomgomg1234]

I know I'm most certainly not being unreasonable but I'm actually just so pissed off with her. It's the most trivial of things which is why it makes this so much worse!!!!

Just to clarify, my MIL is controlling and VERY toxic, I try to basically have limited contact, however DD was starting to do and say things MIL had been telling her/showing her that we had asked her not to do - obviously MIL point blank ignored us and carried on doing it anyway this led to us doing supervised activities when MIL would usually take her.

Back story:
I went shopping with my mum a few weeks ago now, I get a text off MIL asking to do the garden and that if I was busy I could leave the keys with her. I text back and said ''sorry MIL, I'm already out'' as I was already travelling to said destination at the time, I couldn't leave my keys.
So I got no reply - that usually means she's upset about something.

Anyway, get back from shopping trip, go pick up DD from nursery, get home and at about 6:10pm the door rings. My mum is still with me at this point.
I answer the door and it's MIL. I kind of looked at her a bit gone out because she hadn't text to say she was coming and she knew I was busy that day so I just said 'Hi, I've got my mum round at the moment'' at which point my mum pops around the door to say hi. MIL says ''Oh I just came to drop two bags of play sand off... I'll go get them now'' so I said ok, she came back and I thanked her for the sand and she said she would see me Saturday the day we normally go out and do stuff together with DD.
I agreed said I'd see her then.

Anyway the next day I got a text off my dad saying he needed to see me Saturday, so I decided to cancel the Saturday with MIL as she had previously cancelled 3 Saturdays in 1 month I didn't see the issue with it, and this was my first time having to cancel it.

The next thing I get is a phone call off DH telling me he's had a call of his dad and apparently MIL has a huff on because I was impolite and pulled my face at the door. He then goes on to say that it's because I've cancelled Saturday....

Long story short, she hasn't bothered to come see her granddaughter now for nearly 1 month because I politely texted her clarifying that I wasn't impolite that I thanked her, that I would see her Saturday but due to circumstances had to cancel which I didn't think would be an issue given than she cancelled on me 3 times in 1 month.
I can't help feeling like she's throwing her dummy out the pram because she made plans and I cancelled them.

She hasn't spoken to DH since and is basically giving everyone the silent treatment - something she does every time we have had an issue to raise with her, she point blank refuses to accept responsibility or fault for anything.

Why are MIL's twats? It's such a trivial fucking thing as well. I feel so annoyed by her.

"I politely texted her clarifying that I wasn't impolite" I often wonder if posters who write things like that actually think anyone believes it apart from them! Come on op you were rude and then you sent a rude text to rudely point out how rude you weren't. You're more than a little bit responsible for your mil having a strop on.

See her with your DH only.
Stop her 'helping' in your territory.
See her on neutral ground.
Be polite.
Try to avoid regular days- but let your DH be the go between when arranging.

My DH isn't in the country so it's very much me and her.
flyingelbows have just explained in a previous post that I know I came on this post hostile but there is a reason for it. I still don't believe I was rude. There is more to this story than this single post.

Oh and don't over justify yourself.
If I can't see my mil the response from her might be.
One word eg. 'Okay.' Or 'glad you are having fun' which for her means 'wish I was too'.
In the past I'd say too much trying to excuse myself. Now I respond briefly too and in a way that assumes she hasn't taken offence.

That's tricky.
I'd maybe rope your Mum in then and do days out with a buffer.
I'd avoid her doing your garden unless you want her to though.

OP - she sounds awful, but you have to understand this is never going to end well. With people like MIl you either bow down to her or she will create continual drama.

You think you can "manage her" with limited contact and "rules" but you can't. She will bust every boundary and still succeed in making herself look like the victim.

Why do you want her to have contact with DD when she is a toxic nightmare? You should be protecting DD from her, not encouraging contact. If poor DD must be exposed to her, why is it you having to go along? It should be DH surely?

Why is she doing your garden? This is a recipe for disaster.

finova I know what you mean. That's why I simply told her I was busy that day. And then kept it brief with the cancelling. But she does this every time somebody is essentially saying no to her.
I didn't ask her for the sand, I know people keep mentioning this and that it was nice of her but I didn't ask for it and it could of waited till Saturday but she bought it round that day because I told her I was out and basically said no to the gardening. It's her way of keeping me in check. if that makes sense.

I'm with you op - not seeing her granddaughter for a month because you've pissed her off? It's just being a control freak. She's spitting her dummy, cutting her nose off and trying to punish you by not seeing dd.

My MIL did the same to us. A similar trivial argument (i'd arranged for MIL to come over one Saturday afternoon, forgot and went out instead). I text her that night and apologised (a nice apology, genuinely) and she said it was fine, she'd come over the next day. I had plans already with an out of town friend that I couldn't cancel so I apologised again and said we'd have to do something the next weekend instead.

We didn't see her for 18 months. She cut us all out - me, dh, the dc. Over that. I phoned her after about 6 weeks and said that this was silly, there was no need for it...got a mouthful of abuse. I didn't try again.

It was control...she was wronged (genuinely, my bad) - but MIL won't accept a normal apology like a normal person. Nothing short of me on my knees crawling over broken glass and adhering to her every wish as penance would have satisfied her. Her loss. She's recently turned up again and the dc barely acknowledge her, they have no bond whatsoever.

Sorry X post - so DH doesn't have to deal with her shit directly?

Fuck that!!

happypoobum she offers to do my garden, she doesn't give me a choice in the matter. If I said no then she comes round anyway. That's simply how she is.

Yes I know I need to keep her away which is why I was doing the supervised contact mainly because DH wanted me to continue contact with his mum and our daughter. I wanted to come to a compromise and that's what we came to.

wow GreaseIsNotTheWord that sounds awful. 18 months? And you obviously tried to apologise. I get the whole crawling over broken glass bit, I've felt like that numerous times with my MIL it's genuinely a horrible feeling.

Thing is OP if you're going to talk about how awful and unreasonable your MIL is you really need to make sure you have the moral high ground and tbh the way you have felt with this episode you really sound as bad as each other.

Op can I ask if you invited your mil in when she came to bring the sand.

I would say if not thats rude.

Maybe she wanted to come in.

Did you keep her at the door or invite her in? If you didn't invite her in, especially with your mother there, that would be really bloody ignorant.

If I said no then she comes round anyway. That's simply how she is.

This is what I mean by boundary busting. It is completely unacceptable. I would let her not talking to you drag on and on for as long as humanly possible. Did you know what you were letting yourself in for when you married him?

Could you move away? Not even joking.

Tigger she said she was busy and couldn't stay.

But did you even invite her in?

happypoobum yes I knew what I was getting myself into. And my DH wants to move as far away as possible when he's finished working away.

tigger No I did not, I had my own mum around. She said she came to drop the sand off, that she was busy had to get off went to get the sand said she'd see me Saturday if the weather was nice. end of conversation.

If she cut you out of photos of you and DD I think you have good reason not to see her unless it's a big family get together that your DH wants to attend. Is it possible to move a bit further away from her?

Tigger not really sure what you're getting at. I don't personally mix my family and my DH family together in the same household it makes for very awkward conversation. My mum is a very brassy lady and my DH mum is judgmental looks down her nose type. I actually didn't want her to come in because it felt awkward.

Well at least you have an end in sight.

Whatever you do, don't let MIL know you plan to move away. I have plenty of experience of all this as my own DM is just like your MIL.

If she thinks her control is slipping she is likely to have The Mystery Illness or feign a total breakdown which can only be repaired by you staying right where you are so you can be abused some more.

It is possible to move further away but not right now, unfortunately.
My DH is hoping to leave his job soon.

Maybe Tigger missed the bits where MIL cut you out of photos of you with your baby?

She certainly would never have darkened my door again.

I would always invite someone in regardless.

Holding your DH mum at the door seems very rude to me. Of course she will say she is busy if she doesn't feel welcome or you are going to invite her in.
I have very awkward difficult mil too, but I would invite her in, if she turned up at the door. Its putting a barrier up,

Think about this the other way, if your dh did this to your mum, didnt invite her in, or YOU turning up like this to your sons house.

You see, she may be barrier boundary breaking and ALL OF THAT but its tiny things like this that put you in the wrong...