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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another thread about MIL..

95 replies

OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 18:04

I know I'm most certainly not being unreasonable but I'm actually just so pissed off with her. It's the most trivial of things which is why it makes this so much worse!!!!

Just to clarify, my MIL is controlling and VERY toxic, I try to basically have limited contact, however DD was starting to do and say things MIL had been telling her/showing her that we had asked her not to do - obviously MIL point blank ignored us and carried on doing it anyway this led to us doing supervised activities when MIL would usually take her.

Back story:
I went shopping with my mum a few weeks ago now, I get a text off MIL asking to do the garden and that if I was busy I could leave the keys with her. I text back and said ''sorry MIL, I'm already out'' as I was already travelling to said destination at the time, I couldn't leave my keys.
So I got no reply - that usually means she's upset about something.

Anyway, get back from shopping trip, go pick up DD from nursery, get home and at about 6:10pm the door rings. My mum is still with me at this point.
I answer the door and it's MIL. I kind of looked at her a bit gone out because she hadn't text to say she was coming and she knew I was busy that day so I just said 'Hi, I've got my mum round at the moment'' at which point my mum pops around the door to say hi. MIL says ''Oh I just came to drop two bags of play sand off... I'll go get them now'' so I said ok, she came back and I thanked her for the sand and she said she would see me Saturday the day we normally go out and do stuff together with DD.
I agreed said I'd see her then.

Anyway the next day I got a text off my dad saying he needed to see me Saturday, so I decided to cancel the Saturday with MIL as she had previously cancelled 3 Saturdays in 1 month I didn't see the issue with it, and this was my first time having to cancel it.

The next thing I get is a phone call off DH telling me he's had a call of his dad and apparently MIL has a huff on because I was impolite and pulled my face at the door. He then goes on to say that it's because I've cancelled Saturday....

Long story short, she hasn't bothered to come see her granddaughter now for nearly 1 month because I politely texted her clarifying that I wasn't impolite that I thanked her, that I would see her Saturday but due to circumstances had to cancel which I didn't think would be an issue given than she cancelled on me 3 times in 1 month.
I can't help feeling like she's throwing her dummy out the pram because she made plans and I cancelled them.

She hasn't spoken to DH since and is basically giving everyone the silent treatment - something she does every time we have had an issue to raise with her, she point blank refuses to accept responsibility or fault for anything.

Why are MIL's twats? It's such a trivial fucking thing as well. I feel so annoyed by her.

OP posts:
MotherOfGlob · 29/07/2016 18:30

What NPower said.

Ragwort · 29/07/2016 18:31

You both sound totally immature, why isn't your DH taking your DD to see his mother - that way she gets to see her grand-daughter and you don't need to get involved - surely that's best for everyone? Confused

Original poster
OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 18:32

I have asked for this to be deleted.
I know full well that I haven't been rude to her, and actually her self absorbed nature has meant she wont make an effort to see DD and hasn't for nearly 4 weeks.
That is what I'm upset about. The answers I've gotten here have only further been upsetting to read.

OP posts:
puglife15 · 29/07/2016 18:33

Honestly op?

Going from your posts in this thread you come across as quite confrontational so while your MIL might be awful I can see you rubbing people up the wrong way too.

I hate the Chinese whispers but even a polite text could be misread. Next time she pisses you offI wouldn't bother texting. You're just giving her more ammunition.

QuackDuckQuack · 29/07/2016 18:34

If you have an every Saturday agreement to see your MIL then it's inevitable that either one of you will need to cancel occasionally and the other will have to suck it up.

It would be completely unreasonable to commit every Saturday to her indefinitely and be at her beck and call so that she can cancel, but you can't.

NeedACleverNN · 29/07/2016 18:34

The answers are upsetting?

This is one of the gentlest AIBU threads I've read..especially when it's about a MIL

Solina · 29/07/2016 18:36

No offence OP but you sound immature and clearly you dont like her and she can sense it. From your posts the only unreasonable person is you.

humblesims · 29/07/2016 18:37

she wont make an effort to see DD and hasn't for nearly 4 weeks

and you have made no effort for DD to see her for 4 weeks.

Gowgirl · 29/07/2016 18:38

This was NOT a flamingGrin ima veteran of the fire proof vest. OP this is quite gentle for AIBUpokes vipers with a stick

ShesAStar · 29/07/2016 18:38

You sound so similar to your MIL - no wonder you don't get on

wombattoo · 29/07/2016 18:41

She was coming to do your gardening, she brought some play sand for your DD, you wouldn't let her in because your DM was there and you think she is being a twat?
YABU

amprev · 29/07/2016 18:42

Crikey! Your face obviously gave you away when you answered the door to her and this, coupled with a cancellation AND a texted additional explanation (not suitable to text IMO) has resulted in this shitstorm. The fact that she has cancelled previously is neither here nor there - this would have been avoided if you had called to talk to her about the cancellation and explained your reason.

You must be able to see from all the comments you have received on here that you caused this yourself? If she is tricky like you say she is then I would personally treat her with more caution, for an easy life.

grannytomine · 29/07/2016 18:42

Never mind the cancelling I think you were rude not to invite her in, I don't see why having your mother there means you couldn't invite her in. At the very least you could have offered to help with the bags of sand. I think you need to look at yourself long and hard and think who is the difficult one in this relationship.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 29/07/2016 18:47

OP you sound ridiculously childish, are you even old enough to have a MIL?!

Here, have a Biscuit

Gottagetmoving · 29/07/2016 18:49

Why are MIL's twats? It

If that's what you think, then it's obvious you are hostile towards them.
Your MIL doesn't stand a chance with you...and for the record, MILs are not all Twats. Without her you wouldn't have that husband or that child.
There are probably as many nasty DILs as there are MILs.

Deckthehallswithjammydodgers · 29/07/2016 18:49

Brew here have a mug of catch yourself on !

Tanith · 29/07/2016 18:52

Actually, more of a

Op: I had to cancel because my dad needed me (as clearly stated in OP)

MN: You were rude to cancel because a better offer came along.

Op: It wasn't a better offer: my dad needed me - he's ill.

MN: Drip feed! Immature! Hard work Op! All your fault!

Whatatado · 29/07/2016 18:53

I think offering to do your garden and dropping off play sand makes your MIL sound quite nice. I'd be hurt if I turned up to drop something off and my DIL pulled a face and didn't invite me in because her DM was there.

The cancelling thing - she does sound U. Can't complain about you cancelling to see your sick DDad. Although maybe she's feeling extra sensitive because of the sand incident.

NeedACleverNN · 29/07/2016 18:54

Tanith

Yes it said in the OP that her dad needed her but that could have been anything. No where did it say her dad was poorly and needed her for that.

maras2 · 29/07/2016 18:55

why are mother in laws twats? You cheeky sod.I'm a lovely MIL and so glad that you're not my DIL.How nasty ! Shock

Bambamrubblesmum · 29/07/2016 18:55

I feel sorry for your husband stuck in the middle.

finova · 29/07/2016 18:56

She shouldn't show up when you've said you are out.
What did she want to do in your garden?

I don't see why you should invite her in if she's a pushy person. My mil will snatch children from my side of the family so I prefer to see my side/DH side separately.

228agreenend · 29/07/2016 18:56

Why don't you offer to visit mil, instead of waiting for her to visit you?

Cancelling because of ill father is a genuine reason to cancel ( should have explained this in op - think you would have got kinder responses).

Original poster
OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 18:57

Thanks everyone. Appreciate the support.

  • She said she wasn't staying so I didn't invite her in.
  • Yes I'm old enough to have MIL.
  • You're right I haven't made the attempt to take her, because she's refusing to talk to me so I can't arrange anything of the sort - and before people say what about DH, she isn't talking to him either.

It was childish of me to call her a twat, she was being nice and I appreciated the gift but didn't expect her because I told her I was busy that day and she didn't say she was coming over.
but can I just say I posted about my MIL on another thread recently, the one about her throwing a tantrum about coming to my wedding and then not even congratulating us. It was also the thread about her cutting me out of pictures with my daughter when she was first born.

So I know I've come on this post hostile and confrontational but she has actually broken me down to bits.
People told me in the other thread to go no contact with her, and I have tried for the sake of my daughter... I think her huffing over the cancelling of the Saturday was the catalyst in my behaviour afterwards.

I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
OMGomgomgomg1234 · 29/07/2016 18:58

maras2 sorry, I of course don't mean every MIL I know there are some nice ones out there.

OP posts:
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