Ds is 11. He has ASD. Therefore struggles socially and can have a short fuse. We keep any play date type activities short.
So today we met some friends. I am really close to mum but we have differing parenting styles. This has never been a problem before and I know not to tell her children off as it doesn't go down well. That's if anyone tells them - not just me!
We are on a sandy beach and DS is quite happily building by himself some car creation and has 2 cars with him. Friend and I are chatting. Her DDs are playing nearby with a group of other children.
I'll admit neither of us were watching kids like a hawk. I suddenly hear DS screaming and crying and he's really upset and friends DD is coming towards us and says ds hurt her. I asked her why?
Friend says does it matter? I said it doesn't change the fact DS shouldn't have hurt her but he's clearly distressed so I'm wondering what happened to upset him. Ds is walking towards us at this point. Friends DD says nothing and she doesn't know why he did it.
I asked DS why he pushed friends DD. Again friend says does it matter? I repeated what I'd said and then pointed out DS was playing alone and was still where he had been when we looked up to noise so clearly his DD had gone over to him. Her DD said nothing happened.
Ds between sobs tells me she came over and started kicking bits with her feet and it was ruining it. He'd shouted at her to stop and she kicked the whole thing over.
I asked friends DD what she had expected DS to do when she'd just ruined something he'd spent ages building? She just started at me and her friend repeated DS behaviour was out of order. Asked her again and she said she knew it would upset him but he shouted at her.
I said to DS next time someone breaks something or ruins something of his to take a deep breath and tell an adult. Said to friends DD that if you decide to ruin something belonging to someone else you risk them reacting badly. I then said to friend and DS that I was going to take him home as he'd clearly had enough. (Once DS has hit a point he takes ages to calm again).
A few hours later friend started texting me and saying how I should have punished DS, set a consequence in front of her DD so she could see he'd be punished and that she's unsure if we should meet again.
So I text back that her DD made the decision to walk over to what he was doing, made a decision to start using her feet on it and then made a decision to kick it over. Ds pushed her away because of her actions and it meant he didn't get a photo of what he'd made and had to leave early and that was consequence enough. And that I didn't want to meet again if her DD was going to be allowed to treat DS badly and still be treated like the innocent party.
She's since made PA remarks and a drama llama post on FB.
So AIBU to not punish DS further when his behaviour (although unacceptable) was as a reaction to someone else's actions (which were also unacceptable?)
Please be gentle - I will take all advice on board.