winding up children then complaining about their response.

[Windingupds]

Ds is 11. He has ASD. Therefore struggles socially and can have a short fuse. We keep any play date type activities short.

So today we met some friends. I am really close to mum but we have differing parenting styles. This has never been a problem before and I know not to tell her children off as it doesn't go down well. That's if anyone tells them - not just me!

We are on a sandy beach and DS is quite happily building by himself some car creation and has 2 cars with him. Friend and I are chatting. Her DDs are playing nearby with a group of other children.

I'll admit neither of us were watching kids like a hawk. I suddenly hear DS screaming and crying and he's really upset and friends DD is coming towards us and says ds hurt her. I asked her why?

Friend says does it matter? I said it doesn't change the fact DS shouldn't have hurt her but he's clearly distressed so I'm wondering what happened to upset him. Ds is walking towards us at this point. Friends DD says nothing and she doesn't know why he did it.

I asked DS why he pushed friends DD. Again friend says does it matter? I repeated what I'd said and then pointed out DS was playing alone and was still where he had been when we looked up to noise so clearly his DD had gone over to him. Her DD said nothing happened.

Ds between sobs tells me she came over and started kicking bits with her feet and it was ruining it. He'd shouted at her to stop and she kicked the whole thing over.

I asked friends DD what she had expected DS to do when she'd just ruined something he'd spent ages building? She just started at me and her friend repeated DS behaviour was out of order. Asked her again and she said she knew it would upset him but he shouted at her.

I said to DS next time someone breaks something or ruins something of his to take a deep breath and tell an adult. Said to friends DD that if you decide to ruin something belonging to someone else you risk them reacting badly. I then said to friend and DS that I was going to take him home as he'd clearly had enough. (Once DS has hit a point he takes ages to calm again).

A few hours later friend started texting me and saying how I should have punished DS, set a consequence in front of her DD so she could see he'd be punished and that she's unsure if we should meet again.

So I text back that her DD made the decision to walk over to what he was doing, made a decision to start using her feet on it and then made a decision to kick it over. Ds pushed her away because of her actions and it meant he didn't get a photo of what he'd made and had to leave early and that was consequence enough. And that I didn't want to meet again if her DD was going to be allowed to treat DS badly and still be treated like the innocent party.

She's since made PA remarks and a drama llama post on FB.

So AIBU to not punish DS further when his behaviour (although unacceptable) was as a reaction to someone else's actions (which were also unacceptable?)

Please be gentle - I will take all advice on board.

[BlackeyedSusan]

Child with ASD is proabably operating at 2/3 chronological age so reactions of a 7 year old.

Still think that someone deliberately (if it was deliberate) winding up a disabled child for the reaction is far worse behaviour than the child pushing. it is calculating and designed to get the other child in trouble. not that pushing is right. just that they have less control and have to work harder at impulse control. especially when provoked. It is possible of course that the dd has sn too.

It was right to discipline your son in the way that works best. possibly talking to him after. ds hates that more than anything.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Fuck her frankly. Her DD deliberately trashed something your DS was playing with and knew it would upset him.

Her DD was goading your DS. If anyone is doing poor parenting, it's her.

And the PA messages on FB would be the final nail in the coffin if that was my friendship - life is too short to spend with people who impose no boundaries on their children

[Corialanusburt]

The passive aggressive Facebook messages would be enough for me to finish the friendship

[RichardBucket]

YY to Corialanusburt. Your "friend" knows you will see her posts and know exactly what she's talking about. She's calling you a bad parent, being disablist, and is no friend. Ditch her.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I totally agree blackeye, her dd is 11 and knew your ds has a disability, which means he does not have the reactions of an NT 11 year old. Your friend wants to humiliate him, op that is no friend. No your ds should not have pushed, op knows that and is teaching her ds to tell an adult if that happens again. What are the consequences for this girl, none because she is allowed to do what the bloody hell she wants without consequences. That is not someone I would want to be around, she sounds mean.

[Aeroflotgirl]

If that brat had left him alone and stop goading him none of this would have happened!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Often dd 9 will be happily doing something away on her own, and ds 4.5 will wind her up, and destroy what she is doing, as a result she will scream at him and go for him. I expect different of an 11 year old nt child. Obviously the lack of boundaries and discipline will have its effect.

[Wibblewobble100]

Your friend IBU.... You deal with your child she deals with hers... BUT.... Since you asked for opinions I will say that I would teach my son that it is never okay to hit or push someone else, no matter what they have done, and I would have asked him to apologise to her. I would then follow that with what you said about finding an adult next time.

[Windingupds]

Please don't think I was justifying DS behaviour or thinking it ok. You can't go around being violent. Ds knows this and hates that he reacts like this.

I totally take on board what a poster unthread said about my reaction being to ask the DD why he did it. That probably was worded badly. The reason I asked this was DS was stood by where he'd been and was visibly extremely distressed and her DD had walked to us seemingly unharmed and calmly announced DS hurt her. It didn't immediately add up. I think if DS had been stood by where DD had been playing I'd have thought differently - eg he'd approached her. Plus DS has never hurt anyone before unless it's been reactive iyswim?

I also don't use DS ASD as a reason or excuse. Please don't think that. It's an explanation of why he can't control his reactions but that doesn't mean I think it's ok - neither does DS. And yes, I felt DS having his creation ruined and having to leave beach early was a punishment.

Anyway, sorry for disappearing for a bit one of the mums from our large group saw FB, knew I was meeting her today and rang me.
Let's just say I've had my eyes I own to how the others feel about her. Apparently they tolerate her because of me and don't want me isolated.
4 of them are off to somewhere that looks brilliant tomorow. It's called Wellington country park? They've invited DS and I.

Of course I'm sad it's come to this. I really get on well with this woman as a person but I think DS and I will be ok. It seems we have plenty of people who will include us and get DS. The lady even told me about one thing they know my DS will be terrified of but has pointed out another attraction my DS will love (related to his special interests) we could do instead and they'll meet us there afterwards because they know DS will spend far longer their than their children

[Aeroflotgirl]

Wind they sound lovely, you go with your ds and have a great time, and forget this woman and her dd, they are not your friends, you have found that out. She is not disciplining her dd at all, op did sanction ds how she knows best, it is different to what you would do with an NT child. She took him home early, and told him that he must not do that, and to ask an adult next time, fine job done. How is the other mum disciplining her dd! She should have also made to apologise to op ds, and to one another, not just fair on op ds.

[Toffeelatteplease]

your friends sound awesome

[Aeroflotgirl]

Exactly Dixi mainstream discipline does not work with ASD kids, and it takes longer for the message to come through. If the friend had not insisted her dd apologise, I would not make ds apologise, it would be like supporting the dd bad behaviour, and making ds the scapegoat in this instance, and more ammunition for the 'friend'.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I seriously would delete and block her from Facebook and never subject ds to her or her dd again.

[ZenMom]

YANBU!!! You did everything just right and I don't think I'd have had your patience.

[GeorgeTheThird]

That's nice to hear.

It's trains isn't it? 😄

[LyndaNotLinda]

Oh Wellington is brilliant! So glad your friends have realised its not you, it's her.

They sound awesome.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I think many people have cottoned onto her now, she has shot herself in the foot, silly cow.

[Windingupds]

They are a great bunch. If I'm honest I probably don't know them as well as I could because of the pairing off iyswim?
Plus she admitted I don't always get invited to stuff because I'd invite other woman but they never wanted to tell me not to as that's just as bad!
This group of 4 often go together as the other 2 have toddlers as well so do different things and have different restrictions etc.

[Windingupds]

yes it's trains! Ds will need to inspect the whole track and it's points and sidings and how each bit works!

[Aeroflotgirl]

So op it worked out well in the end, she is a nightmare and her dd. leave them to it, Wellington Park looks great, if we were near, we would have gone, unfortunately I am Milton Keynes based and do not drive. So as a result of this woman's shitty behaviour, you have made some new friends.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow, and I'm so pleased you took my comment about the wording the way I intended it. I only think about it so much after years of teaching and diffusing friendship spats when I am trying to moderate my own language when faced with a child who I know has orchestrated the whole drama and is now trying to wiggle out of it!

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

Yanbu.

I think now you know that the other mums have similar problems with her, you should defriend her on fb.

You don't need to see passive aggressive disabilist rubbish.

You don't need to be friends with someone who thinks their child should be able to torment yours and get away with it.

I hope you and ds have a great time with your friends, they sound lovely.

[IsItMeOr]

Yay! While it's sad to lose a friend, sounds like you've strengthened links with another four friends in the process.

Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow .