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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Mil to return the dresses?

37 replies

Ginmakesitallok · 29/07/2016 16:20

We have an important family wedding early next year. Today we (dds and i) bumped into dmil in town. She was excited to show me 2 dresses she'd bought in the sales for dds. They were awful! (But half price, so Mil couldn't resist) Dd1's face fell when she saw hers - white floaty thing with diamanté, dd2's was a sparkly bridesmaid dress. Neither of dds are bridesmaids. I was in a stinking mood, having spent the morning school shoe shopping. I told her that I didn't like them, they were too bridesmaidy and asked if she could return them. She did. I feel guilty. Should I have just taken them???

OP posts:
Cutecat78 · 29/07/2016 16:23

Depends how you said it....

SquinkiesRule · 29/07/2016 16:23

Waste of money if they aren't going to wear them, so I say you did the right thing. I hope you asked her nicely.

fuzzywuzzy · 29/07/2016 16:23

I don't think you were, so long as you were polite. Your DD's can't turn up to a wedding dressed as bridesmaids when they aren't. People would think you were nuts!

Excited101 · 29/07/2016 16:24

I think you were rude. Nothing wrong with disliking them but quite why you needed to declare that right there and then is beyond me.

Why not just say that they're pretty but probably a bit inappropriate as too Bridesmaidy?

I hope you were more grateful to MIL than it comes across on here?

pictish · 29/07/2016 16:26

Ywnbu - I wouldn't want anyone but me and my kids choosing their outfits for a wedding. I'd be super nice about it though.

InternationalHouseofToast · 29/07/2016 16:27

Your DDs aren't bridemaids so yes, she should have taken them back. It's for you and your DH to buy wedding outfits for your children if they're not in the wedding party, not your MIL spotting a bargain. She could have called you or sent you a photo and asked what you thought of them before buying. At least she could, and did, take them back.

bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 16:28

Yep, depends on how you said it. Nicely, no problem. But I'm guessing you were less than nice, which is why you feel guilty now.

Amelie10 · 29/07/2016 16:29

Wow you sound bloody rude! If you didn't like them you could have told her in a nicer way. Sounds like she only tried to be helpful.

Original poster
Ginmakesitallok · 29/07/2016 16:29

I did day thank you very much to her, that it was very thoughtful. But I didn't see the point in her/me bringing them home and having to return them later? She'd literally just bought them. Why would it have been more polite to say we liked them and then to change our minds later?

It's my twin db's wedding. Mil won't be there. I want to choose dresses with my dds, not just to get something because it's a bargain?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 29/07/2016 16:29

Why are you buying school shoes? Are you not in Uk? (I realise this is nothing to do with the thread)
With regard to the dresses I think you sounded rude but a lot is conveyed in tone. If you said they were lovely but perhaps a little too much like you were trying to resemble bridesmaids,with a smile & an offer to return them,fine. Bloody hell mil, I'm fucked off shoe shopping & the girls don't like them, not so much.
Yabu.

Original poster
Ginmakesitallok · 29/07/2016 16:30

I don't think I was rude to her, but this is the first time I've been honest with her and told her to return stuff rather than have it languishing at the bottom of a wardrobe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginmakesitallok · 29/07/2016 16:31

In scotland - school goes back in just over 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Cutecat78 · 29/07/2016 16:31

icelollycraving thanks for asking about the school shoes - it puzzled me too!

Pythonesque · 29/07/2016 16:32

6 months or more in advance is too far in advance for children anyway, guessing the size and hoping they'll fit is just asking for trouble! (school shoe shopping may mean they are based in Scotland, holidays there finish soon I think)

icelollycraving · 29/07/2016 16:33

That makes sense then about the shoes!

MrsHathaway · 29/07/2016 16:38

She got overexcited but it was totally barmy of her to buy the dresses.

(1) They were the wrong sort.

(2) They might not fit next year.

(3) They will be the wrong season.

(4) She doesn't have anything to do with the wedding.

You could apologise more fulsomely later, saying she'd taken you by surprise and all you could think of was how you'd miss out on a lovely shopping trip for the DC to choose their dresses for their uncle's wedding once the wintry party frocks are in the shops.

If you get guilted into involving her (hey, we've all done things to keep the peace) then you could suggest she buys them suitable jewellery to go with the dresses you choose, once you've chosen them.

Salmotrutta · 29/07/2016 16:39

I don't think it's wrong to ask her return them if you were nice about it.

I often buy stuff for the grandchildren and don't mind at all if DD wants to change it for whatever reason. 😊

Comedyusername · 29/07/2016 16:39

Don't sweat it, better to be honest!

BravingSpring · 29/07/2016 16:42

My MIL would do exactly the same thing, she gets clothes in the sales because they're a bargain regardless of whether DD wants or needs clothes, she also buys clothes she would like DD to wear, rather than clothes DD would wear. This included bringing DD a dress back from her holidays for a wedding that was far too bridesmaid in style.

Provided you were polite about it, you were perfectly reasonable. MILs by their nature had children of their own to dress.

Original poster
Ginmakesitallok · 29/07/2016 16:43

I'll speak to her tomorrow, apologise if I seemed rude and thank her again for thinking of them.

I'm not planning on starting to look for dresses until after Christmas.

Just looked online, dd2's proposed dress is an actual bridesmaid dress. Thing is, even if they were going to be bridesmaids then there'd be a colour scheme and the bride might want a say?

Mil bought dds some jewellery for another wedding, which I'm sure they will want to wear to the next one.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 29/07/2016 16:50

Ywnbu. Sometimes mothers and mils get carried away with their gc. Mine certainly do. I think its because they have more free cash available to be honest. I find ot can get a littlr overbearing at times because my mum and mil often try to buy the big ticket items like first bikes/pair of shoes/important outfits and I have to say no because its something that we want to do as first time parents. Recently, my mil bought dneice a tablet and informed us she was going to get one for dd to 'make it fair'. My dh is very anti dd having her own tablet as she is only 5 and has access to a family tablet on the odd occasion. (Disclaimer - im not expressing any judgement of anyone whose kids have tablets. Each to their own as far as im concerned. We have just chosen not to let dd have her own tablet DH is a primary school teacher with responsibility for ICT and a degree in Multimedia Computing - he has an appreciation for all things techy and gadgety but feels dd is too young for a tablet of her own.) Anyway, Mil likes to treat all of her gc the same so announced she was going to get her one. DH told her no thank you and will not budge so, instead, mil has reluctantly put the money aside for when she is allowed one of her own. It is kindly meant but you are still allowed to say no.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 29/07/2016 17:14

You're probably right. I hope you put it tactfully but as you were in a bad mood maybe you didn't. However, too late now. Try not to fret about it. BUT you said that they were awful and your DDs hated them.

They would indeed look silly going to a wedding in 'bridesmaid' dresses when not bridesmaids and maybe envious/spiteful!

PersianCatLady · 29/07/2016 17:27

I don't think it's wrong to ask her return them if you were nice about it.
If she bought them in the sale (depending on the shop) she might not be able to take them back.

LunaLoveg00d · 29/07/2016 17:31

My SIL offered us her daughter's first communion frothy white nightmare frock as a bridesmaid's dress. I lied and said it didn't go with my colour scheme.

Maryann1975 · 29/07/2016 17:32

Persian, she should have thought about that before she bought them, without asking for the child's mothers opinion first. It would be really rude to turn up to a wedding wearing a bridesmaid dress. It would scream (to me at least) of an entitled parent, wanting their dd to be part of the wedding, when they haven't been asked to be a bridesmaid.

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