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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lock myself in my room and cry?

54 replies

KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 14:33

I'm at work at the moment but my plans for tonight involve locking myself away and sobbing.

My best friend in the entire world, who I love so much, is pregnant. I am not. I'm now on 10 months of trying and struggling to be ok with it. I am so happy for her and am putting on my best "no honestly it doesn't upset me AT ALL" act even though it's just a big fat reminder that it's looking less and less likely to happen for me.

Luckily she is super-considerate and told me in a very sensitive way, and I know that she's not going to be rubbing my face in her pregnancy at all, or complaining about it at all, or anything like that because she really is amazing and she knows just how much I am struggling. She was terrified of telling me. I'm very excited to be an auntie to her little one but can't help feeling that I've lost my confidante. I know I can't talk to her about my struggles with ttc when she has had it so easy (she had her IUD removed two months ago and is now 7 weeks - she didn't even have a period between removal and getting pregnant). I've actually told her that DH and I have stopped trying, just so I don't have to talk about it.

To make matters worse, I really would love an April baby (which I would get if I fell pregnant this month). I'm 5 days past ovulation with very tender boobies and I'm symptom spotting like crazy, which means I'm only going to be even more heartbroken when AF inevitably turns up next weekend.

AIBU to sob and drink a lot of wine?

OP posts:
SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 29/07/2016 14:38

Go for it, do what you need to do to feel better, hopefully your turn will come soonFlowers thinking of you.

proudnewMNaddict · 29/07/2016 14:40

Fingers crossed for you OP Flowers

Amelie10 · 29/07/2016 14:41

Ah Yanbu opFlowers have a good cry if you need to. You both seem like lovely friends to each other.

Cutecat78 · 29/07/2016 14:42

Took me 10 months with my first and I have have 3.

Don't despair it may happen yet Flowers

mikado1 · 29/07/2016 14:42

Sob away but hold the wine-who knows, this could be your month... rooting for you. You don't say if you are undergoing treatments or tests yourself but all I can say is that going by my friends who went through some really tough times ttc (multiple ivf, iui, egg donation over years), staying the course (while stopping off for weeping and drinking along the way) was worth every bit - each one has their babies now. I know there's no guarantee but hoping your day will come. You and your friend seem very sensitive to one another and hopefully you'll feel able to confide again once this news has sunk in. Best of luck Flowers

blueturtle6 · 29/07/2016 14:43

Fingers crossed for you, I felt the same when every one was getting pregnant around me except me.

Salmotrutta · 29/07/2016 14:43

If it makes you feel any better it took a year of trying for me with our first DC and two years for my mum.

We are all different and I suspect worry and stress are not helping in your case.

Flowers
Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 14:43

Thank you both! I feel guilty for being so upset because I have a DSD who I treat as my own DD, so I feel really ungrateful for wanting on 'of my own'. DH is being a treasure about the whole thing. I cried a lot when she left after telling me, but she's just emailed me pics from an early scan and I felt overwhelmingly happy for her, which I think is a good sign. Maybe it means I will come to terms with this quickly.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 29/07/2016 14:43

It is so hard when this happens. Your friend sounds lovely. Do whatever you have to do to get through the day.

SquidgyRedBall · 29/07/2016 14:44

YANBU

Sob away and drink your wine. Wine

My friend had been trying for a while and her sister got pregnant just before her. She was so upset but she is now pregnant too but there was an awkward few months where they didn't know what to say to each other.

I've known people get pregnant straight away, after 6 months, after a year, after 18 months and after 20 years (after being told they were infertile), so try to remain positive.

I'm sending you lots of positive vibes and hope you conceive soon FlowersFlowers

KarmaNoMore · 29/07/2016 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 14:45

I'm making lots of plans for this year/early next year that can only happen if we aren't expecting a baby, which I'm hoping helps drop the pressure a bit. I'm stressing a lot less than I have been in the past, just trying to think of it as charting as much data as I can so that when I hit the 1 year mark, I can go to my doctor fully prepared.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 29/07/2016 14:46

Sorry if this sounds harsh... but why do you have a preference about what month your baby arrives in when you are struggling to conceive?

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 14:46

My friend is amazing. I'm so lucky to have someone so considerate of my feelings!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 29/07/2016 14:50

Do you have any reason to say it's looking less and less likely to happen for me?

10 months is nothing really (although I know from experience it doesn't feel nothing when you want to get pregnant so desperately), it took me 18 months for DS2. Why would it be less likely to happen at all? Confused

nokidshere · 29/07/2016 14:54

I know 10 months feels like a lifetime when you want something so badly but if you are locking yourself away crying at this stage you will not cope well if it takes you a while to get pregnant.

In the 15 YEARS that it took me to get pregnant I became an auntie 14 times and nearly all my friends also had babies. It's excruciating, believe me I know, but you need to find a way of coping.

It's worth remembering that about 98% of 19-26 year old fall pregnant (when actively trying) within 2 years.

Good luck but hold off the wine!

MLGs · 29/07/2016 14:55

Sob away and drink your wine.

Glad you have a lovely supportive DH and also such a good friend.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 15:03

Thanks all!

There's no reason for wanting an April baby except that it's my favourite month - I wanted to get married in April but it was too close to my cousins wedding and I wanted to let them have their moment and didn't want to delay another year so got married in the August instead. I would be thrilled with a baby born in ANY month, but I'm a romantic at heart so it would seem almost like fate to have an April baby. But give me a baby at any time of year and I'd be just as delighted!

With feeling less and less likely....I'm young with no known health problems, DH is clearly fertile, it's entirely reasonable to think that there might be an underlying issue. Which is why I'm getting prepped to go to the doctors in a couple of months!

Also, I think it's natural to stop feeling as hopeful after almost a year. But I'm aware it could take a lot longer, and I'm so happy for those of you who did have to wait longer but got there in the end :) it's stories like yours that keep me going!

OP posts:
MilicentKing · 29/07/2016 15:04

How old are you OP?

With such an emotive issue even the strongest bond between friends will be tested at times like this. If you can both be honest with each other about how you are feeling it should be OK.

I wish you all the best.

MilicentKing · 29/07/2016 15:06

I think you feeling that it might not happen is a way of coping - trying not to admit that your hopes are raised each month. It's OK.

MunchCrunch01 · 29/07/2016 15:09

took me 2 years to have dc1, i've got 2 fantastic dc now who are the light of my life. Have you been to the Dr to get checked out? I NEVER thought it would happen but Clomid produced DC1 and DC2 happened naturally 6 years after I came off contraception when we were contemplating going for treatment.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 15:13

I'm 25. So I know there's no real urgency and there's plenty of time to have a baby, but we're in a really good position to have a baby now and we don't want too big an age gap with DSD.

I agree Milicent - I'm trying to protect myself, the same thing I'm doing by making all my baby-free plans. It keeps me sane! I haven't gotten upset about it not happening yet, not really, despite my SIL, my close friend, my cousin and now my best friend all getting pregnant either straight away or accidently, since my DH started ttc. But this just hit me straight in the feelings!

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 29/07/2016 15:14

oh dear. it is shit isn't it. For what it's worth we were trying for 11 months and then had sort of given up 'trying' (ie stopped taking temp and shagging on certain days) and just having sex when we fancied and i took a new job thinking ah fuck it and before i even had my first day i discovered i was pregnant. (which was very shit as i had morning sickness and was hopeless).

Since then i have had 2 more babies and both of them we got pregnant 1st time trying.

Anyway, my patented Koala Konception technique is this; have a shag on your back, he comes first, then you orgasm still laying on your back, then immediately hoik your legs in the air and do bicycle legs for a few minutes. Even if you don't get pregnant it's quite a laugh! (i got this technique from an interview in a magazine with Madonna who got it from Gloria Estefan - apparently - so it must be scientifically sound). Oh and a tsp or 2 of Manuka honey every morning.

Good luck.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/07/2016 15:15

OP I realise ten months must feel like an age to you, but it really isn't very long. We have friends who had a dc after five years of trying, with their first round of IVF. Then twins with IVF. Then in her 40s she was suddenly and quite unexpectedly pregnant, having been told she wouldn't be able to get pregnant naturally. They went from thinking they wouldn't have any, to four under five. So they would have got there in the end, even without IVF. I have lots of friends who took a year or two to get pregnant the first time.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 15:16

MrsKoala that is brilliant and has definitely cheered me up!! :) I'll give it a try!

OP posts: