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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lock myself in my room and cry?

54 replies

KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 14:33

I'm at work at the moment but my plans for tonight involve locking myself away and sobbing.

My best friend in the entire world, who I love so much, is pregnant. I am not. I'm now on 10 months of trying and struggling to be ok with it. I am so happy for her and am putting on my best "no honestly it doesn't upset me AT ALL" act even though it's just a big fat reminder that it's looking less and less likely to happen for me.

Luckily she is super-considerate and told me in a very sensitive way, and I know that she's not going to be rubbing my face in her pregnancy at all, or complaining about it at all, or anything like that because she really is amazing and she knows just how much I am struggling. She was terrified of telling me. I'm very excited to be an auntie to her little one but can't help feeling that I've lost my confidante. I know I can't talk to her about my struggles with ttc when she has had it so easy (she had her IUD removed two months ago and is now 7 weeks - she didn't even have a period between removal and getting pregnant). I've actually told her that DH and I have stopped trying, just so I don't have to talk about it.

To make matters worse, I really would love an April baby (which I would get if I fell pregnant this month). I'm 5 days past ovulation with very tender boobies and I'm symptom spotting like crazy, which means I'm only going to be even more heartbroken when AF inevitably turns up next weekend.

AIBU to sob and drink a lot of wine?

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 29/07/2016 15:17

Nothing wrong with a good cry!

MrsKoala · 29/07/2016 15:21

Just to be clear, you eat the Manuka honey...where you eat it from tho is up to you Wink

davos · 29/07/2016 15:23

OP I do understand. I took 18 months of trying with both mine.

I got of with Dd when we stopped trying. I went to the doctors who made a referral. So we agreed to stop trying until then. I was pg before the appointment.

With Ds we decided the age gap was going to be too big, so stopped ttc altogether. Got pg within days.

I believe both times reducing the stress helped.

possum18 · 29/07/2016 15:35

I'm a strong believer in having a good old cry when you need to. Let it out OP and if it doesn't help, do it again!
I was ttc for two years, in which time my sister in law and my best friend had babies, I could hardly keep it together. I tried so hard to stay composed and you know what? Didn't help!
One day I said fuck it, I cried, shouted, punched a pillow, and cried some more. I felt great!

I decided to chill out, stop temping, stop making DP have sex because my phone app said so, and started relaxing. We actually ended up having more sex, because we wanted to. We were more happy and spending more time just being 'us'.

Yesterday I went through 24 nappies because guess what? It worked! I now have 16 week old twins and an overflowing rubbish bin filled with pampers Smile

I wish you well, and am sending so much baby dust your way Star

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 15:39

Thank you for all the well wishes!

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 29/07/2016 15:44

Another one here saying ten months isn't long. We tried for about a year with our first, and then went on to have 3 more without any difficuly . I would advise getting checked out soon though ( if you haven't already). I had blocked tubes and it was only the lap and dye procedure which opened them up enough to get pregnant. Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/07/2016 15:49

I was on the opposite end of your situation. I found out I was pregnant the same day my BFF was told she would never be able to carry a child to term. Of course I called her over the moon and gushing about my news. She just quietly said "I'm sorry, I can't be happy for you right now. I was just told . I'll call you when I can deal with this". I didn't hear from her for over a month. I understood and left her alone.

I don't think you have to put on a 'happy face'. You are entitled to feel as you do. And if she's a true BFF she will understand that and give you the space and time you need to work through your feelings.

Happy ending; BFF did have a child 4 years later. She was told it was a medical miracle and her pregnancy was very difficult.

purplefizz26 · 29/07/2016 15:50

Ten months really isn't long at all when TTC.

Most, but not all, couples conceive in the first 12 months. You don't necessarily need to hotfoot it to the GP armed with charts bang on 12 months. They will probably do a few investigations but ultimately you are still within the best age range to conceive and have no known fertility conditions.

I know it's hard and people torture themselves over it but it doesn't help things.

I was TTC for 18 months at age 22-23. Finally got there in the end!

Flowers
Mrsjisaok · 29/07/2016 15:56

Dont give up. I was nearly 37 when I had my beautiful DS and 'tried ' for a year. Good luck x

littlepooch · 29/07/2016 15:58

Ah hugs. I could have written your post a year ago. But honestly 10 months isn't long (I won't bore you with my fertility story) but it took ages to conceive my daughter who is now bouncing around in front of me in her cot. So honestly please try not to be disheartened or put pressure on yourself.

I am glad your friend is being kind, even though it probably doesn't make it any easier. I lost count of all the times when we were trying that friends and colleagues fell pregnant on their first try or even their "practice try". I just happens differently for everyone and it really is down to timing and often a bit of luck in catching that egg!! Xxxx

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/07/2016 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 15:59

Pond that must have been awful for her but you sound like a great friend for being so understanding and not pushing her to talk more.

I know her baby is going to be a huge part of my life and I want to be a big part of her pregnancy too. We have been by each others side through everything, since we were just toddlers, so whilst I really appreciate you telling me I don't have to put on a happy face (honestly, it means a lot just to be told that!), I think I'll carry on because ultimately I don't want to miss out on her pregnancy just because of my hurt feelings. Maybe her baby-hormones will rub off on me!

On a similar note, I ovulated 2 days early this month and I'm convinced it's because I spent all day the day before having cuddles with my two-month old niece. So I definitely believe in the power of baby hormones Grin

And for all those saying that 10 months isn't that long in the grand scheme - I completely get that, and I can't imagine how hard it must have been for those of you who took years. And I know it's completely normal to take a year or two. But I'm also pretty certain that not many people have thought "oh we've only been trying for 10 months, that's nothing" when in that position themselves. It might just be 10 months but it feels like forever!

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 16:02

NeedAScarf I thought doctors won't really do any tests or anything until a year? I wouldn't have thought that they'd do it any sooner just because it's getting me down - but if you know of that happening then that's great, maybe I'll make an appointment if this month isn't our month Smile

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/07/2016 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/07/2016 16:06

Oh OP, have a virtual squeeze and cry it out till you feel stronger. You sound locely and I'm sure your friend is equally lovely and you can support and help each other through your respective struggles. Good luck to you Thanks

PS I took 10 months with DD1 so I know how loooooong that can feel but don't give up hope yet

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 29/07/2016 16:08

First up, big hugs. Second, ten months isn't a huge amount of time, so don't panic - but please see doc if you are really worried. I remember a long time ago finding a very dear work colleague in the loos in tears because her and her partner had been 'trying' for a baby for a couple of years, and she had just found out her BFF had become pregnant within the first month of seeing someone. She was absolutely distraught - and yet six months later, she was pregnant too (her DS is now 13!). Don't feel guilty about wanting your own baby, or feeling envious. I wish you all the luck in the world, you sound lovely, both as a friend, and as a future mum xxxxxx

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 16:13

Here I was thinking the AIBU board was going to be sarky and telling me to get a grip. You are all absolutely lovely. Thank you so much! The urge to get wasted on wine has passed. Instead I'm going to take my husband and DSD out for a nice dinner and enjoy our little family for exactly what it is Smile

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/07/2016 16:16

Massive hugs, you do what you need to do💐💐💐💐. It took us several years and 2 losses to have dc2.

BoopTheSnoot · 29/07/2016 16:18

Flowers YANBU, do what you need to do to cope.
If it's any consolation my BIL and his wife welcomed their DD into the world a week ago after 12 years of ttc, both are mid-30s.
Have you been to see your GP?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/07/2016 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButtMuncher · 29/07/2016 16:19

Do you know what OP? Go for that glass of wine. Relax. Raise a glass for your friend, for you, for your DH and your DSD. 10 months isn't a long time but it's still time and we all know when we're looking at it, it feels longer.

You and your friend sound amazing. I wish you both lots of luck Flowers

PS - There is nothing wrong with wanting one of your own if you have a stepchild - of course you are allowed to! I know from having my DSS that the very act of being maternal around him made me actively want a child of my own.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 16:24

Thank you! She's gone to France for a week and I'm already thinking of what I can do for her when she gets back as a little celebration (afternoon tea perhaps!) and it's made me realise just how excited I am to see her pregnancy progress. She's so great with my DSD too, she's going to be an amazing mum.

ButtMuncher, you MAY have twisted my arm - I'll go for a small glass of wine tonight Wink. You're right about being a step-parent, it brings out all those maternal feelings. I'm so enjoying watching DSD grow and learn and develop as a person and I know she will make such a good big sister.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 29/07/2016 16:32

Just wanted to say I thought it's really sweet you'd (ideally) like a small gap with your DSD, hope you are lucky this month.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 29/07/2016 16:38

Thank you Cheshire. She is 6 now so even if it happened this month she would be 7, which is a bit older than we would ideally like, but also the perfect age to really enjoy it. I know different age gaps work for different people, but I dislike the idea of having a toddler just as DSD is hitting her teens and having no interest - although I doubt that would ever happen!

OP posts:
TheMshipIsBack · 29/07/2016 16:45

Oooh yes don't worry about the wine! If you are up duffed this month (fx!) there's nothing to be concerned about as you don't have a blood connection between you and the embryo for a little while after implantation. My DS was a surprise and I was freaking out about having been drinking before I'd found out. The GP was very reassuring on that point. I mean probably a bad idea to get trolleyed, but a glass or two is fine!