To want people to stop asking when I'll have a baby

[Seahawk80]

I suspect there have been many threads like this before but I couldn't find one and I need to vent, so apologies if this is old ground.

DH and I got married a year ago. I am 35 so I get that it's not like we got married young and have forever to have babies but people won't stop asking! We waited a bit over 6 months before trying for various reasons. Without going into detail nothing has happened and it is very likely I have pcos, I'm waiting for a scan and DH is going for tests then they'll decide on treatment. I feel ok about it as I know lots of people who have it and have kids but it's not ideal. Why do people think it's ok to constantly mention it? I normally fob them off saying oh we want a few more holidays first, then they say well don't leave it too late!! Why does it never go through people's heads that maybe there is an issue and that you don't want to burst into tears or start talking about your gynaecological issues over dinner? It's not even just older people, DH's friends wife said that, I really thought she might stop and think as she had a late miscarriage before their first child and they didn't tell many people. It's just such a personal thing and I find it odd that it is so acceptable for people to comment. I've started to avoid seeing people apart from my best mates as I'm so sick of it.

If anyone has any good responses I'd love to hear them. I'm on the verge of saying to the next person who asks "well let's talk about you, you're quite old, when are you going to order your coffin?"

A friend (who does not want children) says staring hard at their left ears whilst saying "God has not sent them" stops people asking again.

I don't understand why people do.

I was asked when DS was having a sibling whilst miscarrying but luckily OH diverted the conversation before I could respond.

I would never ever ask, it's so bloody rude. It's basically asking about your sex life & if certain parts work.

Hecate beat me to it. When we had been trying after 3 years and two failed IVFs I went for 'well, getting pregnant is hard when you love it up the wrong'un so much.'
Now DD is 3 I'm getting lots of questions about when we will have a sibling 'for her' and when I say kindly but firmly that she'll be our first and last people demand to know why. It's bloody exhausting!

It is a question I might have asked in my late teens and early twenties . In my defence I was naive and had no idea how widespread experiences such as miscarriage, or infertility, are. Sex education at school was all to do with preventing pregnancy and impressing on us how very, very easy it was to get accidentally pregnant.

I hate this too. Why do people give a shit whether you have a baby or not. What impact does it have on them? I wish people would just back off and mind their own.

Its so personal but on the other hand people thought it was perfectly acceptable to ask if we had a tv when I was expecting DC3. After being asked for about the fifth time by the same drunk man I replied.....yes that was the problem, we watched porn and it got us frisky.

I say "well it's not always that simple". Usually shuts them up. I kind of want to say something more graphic to serve them right but I haven't had the nerve to do that yet.

I'd say "we have an extremely active sex life.....you do the maths!"

I got this loads. It was very painful for me as we were trying for eight years but the questions were relentless. In the end I told people we didn't want kids. Reality was that we're having IVF. I was blessed in having DS vis IVF and DD four years later (naturally). Funnily enough those people that were so desperate to know when would have a baby were also the people that I never really heard from again once my kids were here.

DD is almost 2 and I've heard nothing but 'when are you having another?' for months. My family and close friends know I've been having issues due to an abnormal smear and them not being able to remove the cells properly so until next month I'm still in the same limbo I've been in for the last 6 months. I've started responding with 'please stop trying to rent out my womb' to anyone that says anything. Somehow the word womb seems to shut them up. Either that or if I've had a few drinks I cry.

I also get the 'so when are you having another' questions. It's ridiculous because DD was an unplanned miracle baby, the pregnancy fraught and very high risk for multiple reasons, we are low income, very young, I'm mentally ill (as most of them know) ... yet still, when are you having another? As if this one isn't a 'real' baby. The official baby. Maybe this is the pre-baby baby? The next one will confirm my status as Actual Mum? Don't know. Why can't they just keep their beaks out :s

I hate this question too.

I have started saying "I don't want a baby". If pressed I just keep saying "I don't want a baby". It stops people eventually. And it's true. I don't want a baby.

I found saying Did you really just ask me if I am fucking my husband? Worked quite well

'We're just so into anal at the moment'.

Love some of these responses wish I'd thought of them! Someone at work asked me if we were going to have children- I said 'we'd like to', thinking she might leave it there, but she followed up with the 'well you shouldn't leave if too long you know' (I am late 30s). I'd had a miscarriage about a month before and felt like crying, I said 'it's not always that easy for everyone you know'. She didn't really say anything, but to give her her due, she later apologised and said she'd just been making small talk. I told her then about the miscarriage and how common they are, and she was mortified (I didn't say it in a horrible way, just to explain why that question is really not a small talk one!) She was in her early 20s herself, am hoping she at least now knows not to ask that of anyone else!

I know lots of people have said just tell them it's rude and watch them squirm or similar but it didn't work for me.

At a wedding when I was about 5 weeks pregnant and keeping it secret when the 10th person asked if we were ever going to have kids (after 3 years of questioning) I snapped and said it was a rude thing to ask. I said it wasn't all that easy etc etc. Unfortunately the person got really offended and basically said I was rude and she was only trying to be polite and enquire etc. The outcome was I ended up apologist to her.....

I got this too when we were first married (I was 30, neither of us had any desire for children). After about two years of relentless questioning it stopped. Eventually decided we might be just about ready when I was 35, and planned to start trying over summer. Instead I got pregnant a couple of months before our self-imposed start date after a drunken one-night condom abandonment. Was amazed by how many people immediately assumed it was IVF/ that we had been trying for precious five years! In that time we were both finishing advanced degrees, progressing rapidly in our careers, moving countries, and buying and selling and renovating houses, so pretty busy with other things... As soon as DS was one, questions started up again. Am now pregnant with DC2 and everyone seems thrilled to tell me that it's my last pregnancy. But despite being now in late 30s I'm open to a DC3 at some point. Do not understand the obsession with having 2.0 kids conceived as quickly as possible out of the starting gate after a wedding. In fact, seems quite depressing and unromantic to me to get married for express and explicit purpose of stopping contraception immediately!

Whenever I got this I would say something like "to be honest I've known so many people who have struggled to conceive that I would never ask that question, you never know what's going on in people's personal lives" - kind of distanced the conversation from me (as I didn't want to say anything about my exact personal situation), they could make assumptions if they wanted to but I never confirmed anything, and it felt like I was making a point.

I've had this for years.

I used to just fob it off with 'ah, no thanks I like to hand them back when they scream' then I got to saying 'if I could predict that I'd be very wealthy'.

Then eventually I got so fucking sick of being asked about it that I've got to saying 'I can't so stop asking'. I did for a while gently explain that we were having fertility problems, but then came the 'advice' to "stop trying", "relax", "I know someone who conceived after booking a holiday/wedding/moving house/farting at a full moon while covered in honey and wearing a mankini..." again, that stopped when I rather abruptly said that if 8 hope filled years of shagging like bunnies, AND modern medicine had failed I don't think just relaxing is going to do the trick. And thanks for the advice, but you've obviously never been infertile so please keep your ideas to yourself as you have no idea what I've tried out of desperation.

My fave was with step-MIL asking for the gazlillionth time 'when are you going to give me a grandchild'... my reply 'when your step son puts one in me'. Her face was a picture and FIL roared with laughter. She soon stopped asking.

People are inconsiderate cunts. You do have to grow a thick skin and push the question back at them. Point out their rudeness and intrusiveness and don't let them get away with it.

As for 'you'll be next...!' I reply 'bloody unlikely, nostradamus'

The worst offender was my MIL. DH and I were quite happy to leave off having children whilst progressing our careers, travelling etc but MIL was desperate for grandchildren. After dropping many a hints she later went round spreading malicious rumours about how we were have fertility issues and of course it was because of my failing and not her precious son...

Anyway several years later, we decided to started trying for a baby. The moment we broke the news to her that I was pregnant her smug first words were "I knew I'd talk you round". Argh!

I think too many of these suggested replies are either too polite or too clever by half. The type of person who is stupid enough to ask needs to know that it's not acceptable.

I would simply not answer but I would helpfully point out to the person asking that it's not an ok question to ask and that they might potentially be causing upset. Something along Calmings suggestion would work.

I'd go with a shocked look and say something along the lines of I don't know if you realize but I don't think you should ask people if they want children. You can't know if someone is struggling to conceive or simply doesn't want to discuss something so personal

Goodvibesonly that's horrible!!

She's a piece of work Tatlerer. She seems to have very little control over her mouth so is constantly coming out with crap. Sometimes I itch to spill the beans on all the horrendous things that she has said and done over the years.

Anyway, I got all worked up writing my post that I forgot to give out the advice! I always found that saying 'we're quite happy as we are' worked well. You just have repeat, repeat and repeat again until people stop asking questions!

Goodvibesonly that's horrendous! My MIL was very similar. On out honeymoon she said she'd send us to bed so we could conceive her grandchild. As it was we wanted to enjoy being married for a few years and just enjoy each other. I had to endure jibe after jibe "I'm not getting any younger, I want to be young enough to enjoy my grandchildten" "when am I going to get my grandchild". When I'm good and bloody ready lady! It doesn't stop after having children sadly...you then get "so why haven't you started weaning your 3 month old?" Or "Are you going to have any more?"

I think it depends on whether people mean well and are asking out of curiosiry or politeness or are just being douche baggy as to whether your response is polite or not.

I didn't get this, but when I had DD1 14 months after DS1, I got "tell your husband to tie a knot in it".

We were talking to one of DD2's friends (aged 8) about having lunch out with 26yo DS1, friend said "has he got any kids?" I said his illness makes that very difficult. I felt very embarrassed. I'd have felt even more embarrassed if I'd known at the time that he identifies as female.

What on earth do you say when a child asks?