To want people to stop asking when I'll have a baby

[Seahawk80]

I suspect there have been many threads like this before but I couldn't find one and I need to vent, so apologies if this is old ground.

DH and I got married a year ago. I am 35 so I get that it's not like we got married young and have forever to have babies but people won't stop asking! We waited a bit over 6 months before trying for various reasons. Without going into detail nothing has happened and it is very likely I have pcos, I'm waiting for a scan and DH is going for tests then they'll decide on treatment. I feel ok about it as I know lots of people who have it and have kids but it's not ideal. Why do people think it's ok to constantly mention it? I normally fob them off saying oh we want a few more holidays first, then they say well don't leave it too late!! Why does it never go through people's heads that maybe there is an issue and that you don't want to burst into tears or start talking about your gynaecological issues over dinner? It's not even just older people, DH's friends wife said that, I really thought she might stop and think as she had a late miscarriage before their first child and they didn't tell many people. It's just such a personal thing and I find it odd that it is so acceptable for people to comment. I've started to avoid seeing people apart from my best mates as I'm so sick of it.

If anyone has any good responses I'd love to hear them. I'm on the verge of saying to the next person who asks "well let's talk about you, you're quite old, when are you going to order your coffin?"

One of my collegues drives me nuts by telling me I need to have IVF as if make a good mum. I'm 34 and single. I would love to have kids but as I have MS I don't feel it would be fair on the child to be an intentional single mum. She really doesn't get it. Another collegue who has always said she doesn't want kids gets it as well. It's so annoying!

Have you told them to stop toddler?

Farm mummy - you don't need to be ashamed of your response. That is a huge emotional thing to deal with and perhaps he'll learn that if you ask personal questions you sometimes get personal answers. Wishing you peace and luck.

Its so rude. Why an earth would you want to talk about your reproductive functions as chit chat.
I was with dh for 10 years before we ttc and people would not shut up about this. Having kids is nice and all but it's not the be all and end all. it's frustrating that people imply you are somehow failing and not living life to the full without them. It doesn't stop even after you have a child as anything less than 2 children is apparently not enough.
I never ever ask about people's plans to have a child (or have more children) because it has bugger all to do with me.

Yep, PurpleDaisies. It's still an intrusive question

I got asked at my wedding if we'd be trying for a baby soon. And then as soon as we did have one, the same friend asked how long we'd wait before having number 2!

at some if these! Especially "when will you have your own?" to the person who adopted! WTF?

I was only very rarely asked this question and we were married two years before TTC. Maybe I just don't seem the maternal type!

Purpledaises. Yes I have. Apparently her seeing me cuddling a baby makes her want to cry.

Your colleague should be the one who is ashamed farm.

She sounds like a bloody nightmare. I think I'd be really blunt and tell her that you're walking away every time she says things like that. I've had to do that to a "friend" who persists in those sorts of comments despite knowing about my struggles to conceive.

Comedyusername
A male colleague asked over dinner if I wanted to have children and I said "kind of you to offer but I think I'll have dessert first". Never mentioned again!

Mind if I tuck this into my arsenal of key phrases? I've a family wedding coming up and need a few ripostes for the inevitable interrogations over why I'm not giving DS a sibling.

This question broke me once. I just burst into tears and said that I'd just had a miscarriage. I hope the stupid woman never asks in such an insensitive way again.

If I get asked this again, I will just say

"I had a miscarriage"

And let the silence suffocate them

A colleague I used to work with sadly had been trying to conceive for several years without any luck. Her reply to these sorts of questions was "Don't you think that's the type of news you should wait to be told?" which I think was a pretty good response.

BlueLeopard be my guest! One of the only times that a witty response came to me on the spot, and not half an hour later or never

Thanks everyone, I feel much better! The worst thing is our immediate family are quite good about not asking, it seems to be random relatives and friends of the family that feel free to ask. I think next time I'll just say perhaps we're already working on it, hopefully that will shut them up and stop them asking next time. Worst one was mums friend who asked me right after banging on about her friends ivf struggles for half an hour

PleasemothermayI that is terrible! I can't believe people say that!

And farmmummy - I wouldn't be ashamed he sounds very insensitive and you went through something terrible.

Until we started TTC I found this a bit annoying, now I find it intrusive and upsetting. I can't believe anyone who has kids would ask but they seem to be the main culprits!

"I can't believe anyone who has kids would ask but they seem to be the main culprits!"

Yes, misery loves company

We have two cats and during the three years we were TTC I sometimes used to put on a shocked face and say "don't be silly, we already have babies... Mr Tiddles and Senor Fluffington". (Sadly not their real names). We went on to have IVF which resulted in DD which we have been fairly open about, and STILL people ask when we're going to have the next one!

I know most of the time it's well meant and I manage to bite my lip but when it's someone I hardly know I do try to let them know how personal it is. I have said to a bloke "I know you think that's an innocent friendly question but you're very lucky that you aren't aware how upsetting that question can be to some people". He did apologise and was mortified when I said all the reasons why it might not be the best thing to say.

I read this the other day....It's a good vent! 😊 I shared it to give certain people a hint as I hate being asked this question....😠
mumcentral.com.au/how-many-kids-i-have-is-none-of-your-business/

My DC are adults now but when I was asked I went into very gory detail about my miscarriage and the surgery needed after it. Nobody ever asked me a second time, especially if they were unfortunate enough to ask during a meal!

We used to get "when are you going to have some children of your own?" quite a lot as if our two adopted boys are just items we got to be trendy. They stopped pretty quickly after I said "well actually my lack of a womb makes that a bit of an issue" - that wasn't the reason we adopted, but it was a good way to get them to shut up.

I'm very blunt when asked if we are having another. I've been very open about the fact that my daughter is an IVF baby so why the fuck people think it's an appropriate topic I have no idea. My stock response is " it took three years and four rounds of IVF to have one. I'm now 40. She'll be an only child." Twats.

Don't get me started on this.

How I haven't punched someone in the face yet I don't know. I tried nearly 2 years with my ex partner and now nearly 2 years with my boyfriend. I'm now being referred for IVF. I'm 28.
All I get is from family, friends, colleagues "when you gonna have a baby?", so nosey and inappropriate. "don't want to leave it too late". I have told some people about the impending IVF so its shut them up.
Last thing you need when your barren is other people putting pressure on you as you put enough on yourself.
Think I'm just gonna start saying "when I'm good and f**king ready!"