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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that being in a wheelchair or being old ARENT the only resons to need to to sit in disabled seats

125 replies

hiddenaway34 · 29/07/2016 13:36

DS 13 was travelling back home on the bus, hed just been out with mates in the city, he was feeling fine in the morining but after just two hours stated to feel really unwell he has Ehlers-Danloss and PoTS and due to sudden weather changes and his friends not letting him have enough breaks he had to come home early. It was busy he sat down in one of the disabled seats, he has really bad joints and i have always told him on busses sit down, as the jolts can make him dislocates (It has befor when he was 9). And he can also collapse when moved suddenly. An older woman came on to the bus and sat in the seat across from him now all the seats were full to which the woman said "You now you have to give that seat up when someone who needs it come on." To which he explains why he needs the seat the woman replies "No you dont, your just being lazy." More people get on the bus and stare at him and talk about him. Only Older People were sitting down in the diabled seats (and him) and they expected him to get up just because "hes young and looked fine." AIBU to think that its not just Older people and wheel chair users that have diabilitys (I dont hink it is but thats what someone on the bus told him!) I just wanted to rant sorry. I was distraught for him he left bus crying and has lost the confidence to go out and it took ages to build it up, because he was always so worried about his conditions. I did try to explain is that this is how people view it sometimes but it didnt make him feel any better.

OP posts:

EwanWhosearmy · 29/07/2016 17:35

PovertyPain if you ring your airline and tell them your DD is disabled they will note it and make provisions for her. We found BA really helpful when we rang to ask about our DD's ADHD.

OP we've had similar issues on buses. I don't take public transport as a rule but we'd walked a long way from where we'd parked and I'd hugely over-estimated my strength shortly after cancer surgery. DD was 5 at the time, and DS was 22; a big, tall, healthy looking young man. Only he isn't.

In addition to dyspraxia, ADHD and similar he also has a slipped kneecap which he was waiting surgery for and some other physical problems. He has a disabled railcard and claims DLA.

The bus was completely empty except for one elderly lady sitting on a priority seat. We sat on the two priority seats on the other side of the bus and I put DD on my lap. The woman glared at us and proceeded to do so throughout the entire journey. The bus only picked up 2 more people and they sat at the back but she just kept looking at us. I had to restrain DS from having a go at her, because she was making him really uncomfortable.

I'd like a set of those t-shirts witches mentioned.

snowgirl29 · 29/07/2016 17:52

YNBU. I was once in unbearable pain (I have a smashed kneecap due to a very bad fall a few years ago) and sat right at the front. An older man got on and insisted I moved out the seat for him 'as they didn't look anything wrong with me' . I obliged that day and i still do on most occassions as I don't like confrontation. But yes a PP is correct. Headphones work wonders for this. Your DS shouldn't need to explain why he needs the seat also.

Original poster

hiddenaway34 · 29/07/2016 18:03

What I dont understand is why those (mainly older generations) already sitting in priority seats,think its okay to stare when (mainly) there reason for sitting in priority chair isnt obvious, for example moste people i see in pririty seats are older people with no aids, just like my son (but yonger) iyswim

OP posts:

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff · 29/07/2016 18:07

Maybe I should have waved our badge in that arsehole's face.

If anyone you know with ASD is flying from Dublin you can contact [email protected] for this badge which speeds you through queues and security to help alleviate the stress and sensory triggers associated with the airport.

To think that being in a wheelchair or being old ARENT the only resons to need to to sit in disabled seats

Ellioru · 29/07/2016 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

hiddenaway34 · 29/07/2016 22:30

Thanks again! Ive read a few out to DS and has given us a few ideas

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 29/07/2016 22:46

My DS2 is 8 and he has EDS too, as well as sensory issues. Sometimes he is in his wheelchair and sometimes he is walking. We get these sorts of comments and shouting all the time and it usually causes him to go into meltdown. DS1 (10) has aspergers and usually gives whoever it is a piece of his mind, complete with eye rolls and tutting while I try and calm DS2 who is by now curled up in a ball and screaming.

WoahSlowDown · 29/07/2016 22:57

Thank you for your messages, i did just want to check i wasnt over-reacting!!

OP, Did you really have to check? I'm sure you are a lovely Mum but I wonder if your uncertainty is effecting your sons attitude.

Samcro · 29/07/2016 23:44

so Op ....why did you mention Wheelchair users?? as they won't be in those seats????????

manicinsomniac · 30/07/2016 00:50

SamCro - presumably OP is talking about the kind of priority seats that flip up so, if a wheelchair user needs the space, the seats aren't available as seats at all.

NotCitrus · 30/07/2016 07:16

I do recommend getting a funky folding walking stick - it's a magic talisman to get people to realise you actually have a disability (and to herd my children like a sheepdog). He could keep it in his bag and then nonchalantly get it out while seated - they have an elastic loop to hold it round a wrist.

I have done bus journeys where I put my railcard visible on my lap, when I can tell elderly people (it's been elderly people every time) are tutting.

Hedgehog80 · 30/07/2016 07:32

YANBU and sorry your ds had to experience this :(

I have 4 dcs all with EDS and various other related and non related medical conditions (dd1 also has Pots), I have EDS as does dh. We've experienced similar on buses, in queues and had a note superglued to car when somebody decided we didn't actually need a disabled space ....it's horrible

I hate it that people also expect to have the right to our full medical history-it's never enough for one of dcs to say "sorry I need this seat" . On numerous occasions we have been pushed further to qualify why one/all of us can't get up or why we can't fold the buggy (it's effectively a wheelchair )

Horrible situation for your ds to be in but please reassure him and then equip him with some one liners and the confidence to not feel he has to list all his condition or perhaps if that's too hard (one of my dc is too shy and just gets upset when confronted), he would rather show his blue badge and say nothing.

UnexpectedBaggage · 30/07/2016 07:36

So much nasty ageism on this thread.

On our buses the sign says the priority seats are for the elderly, pregnant and those with disabilities. So maybe stop moaning about elderly people sitting in them.

Older people have more trouble with balance, in general, which is why they get to sit on the priority seats. Drivers won't wait for everyone to be seated so they're more likely to fall. Some may have osteoporosis and a fall could be a lot more dangerous for them than for someone younger.

Let's all of us assume that people sitting in priority seats have a reason for doing so and not slag off an entire generation.

I've never seen anyone tutting or commenting about someone in the priority seats. I have been on a bus when someone has been asked by the driver to move their child from these seats to allow someone with a need to sit down and the parent has effed and blinded. The DC just liked sitting at the front, there was no priority need for the seat. I don't condemn a whole generation of parents of young DCs for this.

Spottytop1 · 30/07/2016 07:44

I have to say the majority of people who have Made comments or questioned me about my daughter have not been older people.

I had a man in his 40's come up and say my daughter was too big to be in a pushchair ( SN buggy) and to stop being lazy and make her walk....

A lady of similar age say children like my daughter shouldn't be allowed out in public ( she was having an outburst) ...

Most queries about blue badge have been middle age & those parking in the bay put in front of my house for my daughter ( with alarms sign saying please do not park as it is allocated for a disabled child in the house) were younger and middle age people.

I've had a few older lady's moan once that 'youngsters today get bigger and bigger pushchairs and they take up too much space' .... This was on a bus. But overall older people just roll eyes or tut rather than say anything...

sashh · 30/07/2016 07:53

Agree a stick will help - I resisted for years and got lots of comments. And well done to your son for actually getting on a bus with Ehlers-Danloss.

I find, "Do you honestly think I'd sit in a priority seat if I didn't have to? What sort of (insert word of choice) would do that?"

Also "I hope you never have to cope with my condition, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy"

munki · 30/07/2016 08:11

Someone who I know teaches full-time, is a keen cyclist - but has a blue badge and said she can't walk 5 minutes from a town centre car park to the cinema

I have MS and though I look totally normal, work full-time etc can't walk for longer than 10 minutes without totally losing control of my legs and having to sit down. That said, even I can't get a blue badge - there are so many hoops to jump through I would assume your acquaintance has a real need for one that maybe she just doesn't broadcast. Very few people know that I have MS.

Samcro · 30/07/2016 08:20

manicinsomniac ahh, I was thinking it meant the ones near the driver.
still dont see the need to bring wheelchair users into it though, never get why we can't all be in it together..

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff · 30/07/2016 08:27

The man on the long-term carpark Dublin airport bus was in his forties. Older people on our flight were absolutely lovely about my son.

TheWitchesofIzalith · 30/07/2016 11:46

I'd like a set of those t-shirts witches mentioned

Thanks, I hope I didn't offend anyone by my post...I was pretty cross when I posted that, as I was thinking of this poor lad having to put up with all that rubbish on the bus, and it was a tongue-in-cheek not-really serious suggestion (but one that I think actually might be quite effective!)

I don't for one minute agree with the fact that he should always have to justify to everyone why he needs, or is entitled to sit in the priority seat. Or that he should have to be 'labelled' in any way.
I have a hidden disability. I think I might get one printed for myself.
And add 'So f*ck you with your ignorance and rudeness, have a nice day' at the end

LivingInMidnight · 30/07/2016 17:37

samcro isn't the op just saying that in general many people only perceive the elderly and wheelchair users as disabled? I think you might have read it differently, I can't see any complaint about wheelchair users at all from the op.

grannytomine · 30/07/2016 18:16

No one should have to justify why they need special seating, and that includes the elderly. Some elderly people might look fine to you but they can have hidden disabilities the same as any one else. e.g.

Dementia - I have an elderly aunt with dementia, she stares at people as she doesn't recognise people, thinks people are trying to communicate with her. She looks fit and well.
My husband - nearly 70 big strong looking bloke. Degenerative spinal condition and can't stand for long, can't walk far, can't carry anything even a newspaper will defeat him. People frequently think he isn't disabled and he gets grief for using disabled parking spaces, disabled seats on public transport etc. The most annoying thing is when people tut and judge when I am struggling with shopping and expect him to help, even tell him to help. No thanks I don't want him bedridden for weeks recovering.
My late MIL - she had a hip replacement that went wrong, she could walk reasonably well but when she sat down she needed a foot stool to raise her foot or she was in agony with her hip. She couldn't cope with a seat where the seat cushion was too long for her. She had to sit on the flip down seats where mums sit/stand with buggies. The abuse she got from young mothers was appalling. Eventually she had a letter from the bus company stating that those seats weren't just for people with buggies and she did not have to move for them. She still got grief.

It isn't just young people who get judged.

kali110 · 30/07/2016 21:05

Yanbu op.
I'm in my 30's and have had an invisible disability since i was 20.
I've lost track the amount of times i've had people talk about me not offering my seat up and the 'rude youth of today' as i still look so young
I hate it. If there is no seat on the bus then i have to wait for another as i wouldn't ask for a seat.
I've been threatened for standing up for my self on public transport before.
The other year a couple were threatened for not moving out of the prority seats for a pram as they were disabled
I used to have a card on my bag with my disability on, but it didn't make any difference.
I've been Mocked in pubs for asking for the disabled loo key.
I don't look disabled enough apparently

thecook · 31/07/2016 00:03

Yanbu OP

Some awful experiences on here. I always jump up and offer seats to anybody who looks like they will need one. I felt a bit bad once cos I had left mud on the bus seat. I had just competed in the English National Cross Country Championships.

KittensandKnitting · 31/07/2016 00:14

Just adding a YANBU

I have both pots and EDS and its bloody awful at times, I think he was very brave to explain, horrible he had too but brave that he did, I'm just sorry it was met with such ignorance from other people on the bus and he felt he had to get up and leave, it's horrible just horrible.

SillyQu · 31/07/2016 00:22

I've got EDS3 too and I've given up with the elderly giving me their thoughts on why I shouldn't sit in the seats when I'm having a bad day. I now risk standing and dislocating something rather than have to justify myself

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