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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find each phase of babyhood more exhausting than the last, and ask you when it gets fun?

97 replies

LimeLeaves · 29/07/2016 11:36

He's 11months. Can't walk unaided yet but crawls and cruises. No words just shouts/screams/babbles.

I love him so much, but I dread spending time alone with him. It's exhausting and I end up crying. He gets bored quickly, even in the buggy or at softplay then has tantrums.

He usually wakes 3-4 times a night (night terrors?) I'm exhausted. Everything is a battle; changing his nappy, bathing him, trying to put clothes on him, brushing his teeth, getting him to go to sleep, feeding him (he throws it everywhere, more mess to clean). DH works long hours so is home after bedtime.

I work part time which helps. I sometimes send him to nursery for an extra day so I can have a break but can't afford to do this more than once a month. Also I feel guilty and DH thinks he needs 'mummy time' so is against it.

I always thought I'd be a natural mother and be great at this but I'm not Sad If I could afford full time nursery/nanny I would.
I had such high hopes and I cry thinking about how I'm failing. I used to be an au-pair to older kids (7-12year olds) and loved it.

Will things get easier when he can walk and talk?
What can I do to make this current phase less awful?
I'm constantly getting colds/viruses/infections, I'm too tired to eat and our marriage is under strain as I'm so snappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
LimeLeaves · 30/07/2016 13:48

I'm still BF.
DH doesn't do night wakings and rarely does early starts, but helps a lot during weekend daytimes.

Last night was awful. DS woke screaming at 1am and wouldn't stop- didn't want to be cuddled, didn't want to go back in cot, didn't want boob. Just screamed. After 10mins I just felt rage, put him in cot and shouted at him, then couldn't stop crying Blush DH came in (he was watching a movie in next room) and got angry with me for not staying calm, not being patient and motherly and comforting our son. He was right, I should have stayed calm, but sometimes I just snap. I'm getting over an infection and really need sleep. After that DS woke 3 more times and was up at 6am. DH slept in until 10am Angry I know he needs a lie-in after a tiring week at work but I need sleep too! Now he can't understand why I'm in a bad mood.

It's the screaming that drives me insane at the moment. Screaming through every nappy change, every bath, every meal, sometimes just for no reason at all. I just think 'shut up' in my head and start crying and wish nursery stayed open overnight Sad

Looking forward to the next phase!

OP posts:
MaisieDotes · 30/07/2016 13:55

kendus that's one of the best posts I've read on here in ages.

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 30/07/2016 14:14

I have found the 16-18 year phase exhausting as well...

suspiciousofgoldfish · 30/07/2016 14:58

Kendus brilliantly put.

Bugger Grin at 'have you got a jumperoo '. Or as I call it, the nanny.

And yes to whoever said gin.

BalloonSlayer · 30/07/2016 15:14

DH came in (he was watching a movie in next room) and got angry with me for not staying calm, not being patient and motherly and comforting our son.

So he wasn't even asleep, he ignored his son, didn't bother to go in to him, instead let his sleep-deprived wife be woken and have to go into the baby while he sat watching a film and then had a go at her for losing her cool? And then has a lie in?

Actually quite feel lost for words.

DoinItFine · 30/07/2016 15:21

Yes.

Last night was awful.

That was some truly appalling parenting.

By your wanker of a husband.

He was awake watching a film and he ignored a screaming baby for 10 minutes??

He just fucking left you to deal with it on your own, and then shouted at you for not doing it properly?

When he did NOTHING???

At least you actually tried to soothe your son.

People who are trying hard sometimes lose their patience.

That is normal and human.

Leaving your exhausted wife to deal alone with a screaming baby and then berating her for not doing it properly is inhuman.

Where is the love?

The care?

He let you dontwo more night wakings and then took the lie in?

This is a bad father and shit husband.

Go back to work. If you are going to have a bad boss, you might as well be paid for the privilege.

humblesims · 30/07/2016 16:40

Your biggest problem here is not the baby its your DH. Sorry OP but he doesnt need a lie in. You do. You need support.

WineIsMyMainVice · 30/07/2016 16:44

It definitely gets easier after about 12 to 18 months!
Hang in there!

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 30/07/2016 18:30

Actually speechless at your shit of a husband, sorry op.

I know so much how impossible it is to be loving nurturing maternal goddess, at 1am when you have tried everything possible at least twice, and the ungrateful darling is still screeching. I have shouted too. Difference should have been, I shouted because I am a lone parent and there is nobody else to hand over to. But your child's other parent sat in the other room, wide awake, presumably hearing you trying all you could manage and getting further and further past the end of your tether - and did nothing except criticise? Fuck him, seriously. No wonder you feel rubbish. Angry

Thequilltosurvive · 30/07/2016 18:39

I wouldn't say having a toddler is easier because they are very demanding and can argue back! Having said that, the rewards are greater because they can be absolutely hilarious (mine is a real chatterbox) and there is nothing more wonderful than being told you are loved by your child. I do find I feel more mentally balanced nowadays because I really don't cope well with sleep deprivation. DS still gets up at 5am half the time but if I've had an uninterrupted nights sleep I can cope with it.

Thequilltosurvive · 30/07/2016 18:45

Just ready your previous post about snapping in the night. Honestly, most of us have done it. I certainly have on more than one occasion and I got a similar lecture from DH. He means well but has no idea how hard it can be for me sometimes - I am the one constantly on call. DS started sleeping through more consistently (definitely not every night but more often) at 14 months and by 24 months I felt we'd really turned a corner. It WILL GET EASIER but in the meantime it's ok to fall apart occasionally Flowers.

Fomalhaut · 30/07/2016 18:52

Baby has two parents?
Time for daddy to pull his finger out

MaisieDotes · 30/07/2016 19:19

Sorry OP, I hadn't read your most recent post when I posted above.

Your DH's behaviour is not good enough. You need to get out of the mind-set that everything baby-related is your responsibilty. It isn't.

Chlorinatedfrontbum · 30/07/2016 19:48

DS is 18 months and exactly as you described. Doesn't walk (although he's just about starting to get it) and has no words at all. Nearly every day I beg him to learn to talk (in a lighthearted way). He gets very frustrated, as do I. I never really know what he wants Sad. Hoping it gets better.

Chlorinatedfrontbum · 30/07/2016 19:51

Oh, and your 'd'h is a prick. HTH. Flowers

Would have left mine months ago for pulling shit like that. He works full time and we share the night waking, and on his days off we do equal parenting (probably I leave more to him tbh) He loves being a dad. Love him to bits.

Marylou2 · 30/07/2016 20:25

Oh bless you. It is indeed not easy. 3+ is when it got better for me. Hope it's sooner for you.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 30/07/2016 20:31

It's hard and it feels relentless .. and it is relentless and I've been there. Had zero support ,.. But I'm through it (nearly) and it's ok ., and I'm in a much better place and my kids are ok. It's really hard work but you'll be ok and actually looking back it's a small glitch in my life.,,

MewlingQuim · 30/07/2016 20:41

I remember 10-16 months as the hardest bit, although DD is only 4 so I appreciate that my experience is not vast Grin

It was also the point where I insisted DH take a bigger role. He had been used to me doing the majority of the childcare as I was on maternity leave and DD was bf, but by the time she was 10 months old I had gone back to work and she was weaned, so there was no reason why he should be expecting me to sort her out every time.

Sounds like it's time your DH takes a bit more responsibility too, OP.

BertieBotts · 30/07/2016 20:48

Oh yes, at this age I was definitely finding it harder and harder and less fun with each passing month/week.

The good news is the next big shift is just around the corner and actually I love the stage from about 15 months to 3 years, they are just so lovely at that age. I actually cuddled my friend's sleepy 18 month old for about an hour yesterday, she is so gorgeous. Babbling away at you, curious, interested in everything, reacting to the most unlikely things.

Oh, my ovaries are twitching Grin

GeordieBadgers · 30/07/2016 21:00

Your husband is a twat.

schokolade · 30/07/2016 21:03

Actually he doesn't need a lie in after working all week. Not if he has the energy to watch movies at 1 am!!

What happens if you tell him you're having the next lie in?

Fomalhaut · 30/07/2016 21:58

No he doesn't need a lie in every weekend day !

My dh has a high pressure job (think projects in the high hundreds of millions.)
Our ds has sleep problems so I'm often up half or all night. Dh gets up at 04:00 (sometimes earlier!) and takes him for a couple of hours so I can sleep. He then goes to work and foes a full day, sometimes having calls in the evening too.
Your dh needs to pull his finger out. Raising a child is not 'woman's work.'
He needs to realise that when he's commuting or at work, that's one full time equivalent (FTE.) say 8-6 so ten hours a day. That time is one FTE for you too.
Hours outside that are split equally because the alternative is you effectively doing double work.

scrumptiouscrumpets · 30/07/2016 21:59

Schokolade is right, he can't be that exhausted if he's up watching a movie at 1 am. He definitely has the energy to help you out, he just can't be arsed. Work is just an excuse, at least he gets the weekend off to catch up on sleep. What about you?? Your problem is your useless and selfish DH, not your baby.

PickAChew · 30/07/2016 22:02

Have one in secondary school. Still waiting.

PickAChew · 30/07/2016 22:06

And, more seriously, what DoinIt said. DH appears to stand for Dick Head in your house.