To find each phase of babyhood more exhausting than the last, and ask you when it gets fun?

[LimeLeaves]

He's 11months. Can't walk unaided yet but crawls and cruises. No words just shouts/screams/babbles.

I love him so much, but I dread spending time alone with him. It's exhausting and I end up crying. He gets bored quickly, even in the buggy or at softplay then has tantrums.

He usually wakes 3-4 times a night (night terrors?) I'm exhausted. Everything is a battle; changing his nappy, bathing him, trying to put clothes on him, brushing his teeth, getting him to go to sleep, feeding him (he throws it everywhere, more mess to clean). DH works long hours so is home after bedtime.

I work part time which helps. I sometimes send him to nursery for an extra day so I can have a break but can't afford to do this more than once a month. Also I feel guilty and DH thinks he needs 'mummy time' so is against it.

I always thought I'd be a natural mother and be great at this but I'm not If I could afford full time nursery/nanny I would.
I had such high hopes and I cry thinking about how I'm failing. I used to be an au-pair to older kids (7-12year olds) and loved it.

Will things get easier when he can walk and talk?
What can I do to make this current phase less awful?
I'm constantly getting colds/viruses/infections, I'm too tired to eat and our marriage is under strain as I'm so snappy.

[TheLionSleepsAha]

I have a baby a similar age to you and a four year old. If you baby proof your living room then you can put CBeebies/give a toy with lots of buttons and then have a few minutes on the sofa half an hour and drink lots of tea and chocolate

I try to have activities planned, a trip to the swimming pool, the library, an art gallery or even a morning mooching round Tesco for the weekly shop.

Don't put too much pressure to play with him all the time or constantly entertain him, it's fine for him to play independently. I find a box with some toys goes a long way, baby knocks it over then spends ages looking through the various toys.

Regular changes of scenery are good, like walking in the garden or park, even being carried around whilst you do laundry or sore clothes can be amusing to baby. Chat as you do stuff and they will be amused and you'll feel better because you'll feel you're teaching them

Young children are hard work, personally I prefer them aged 2 and above as they are so much more interesting and you can have proper conversations etc

[Puddlet]

I had a baby (DC3) who was Mr Grump from birth to 13 months. Then I went back to work and he transformed into Mr Sunshine. I still don't know why! He used to scream through every meal. I used to have to feed him in the garden because then he'd calm down and eat. I remember in the summer thinking that I hoped I wouldn't be doing it in the winter but come December there I was feeding him his dinner in the garden. When we moved house I had to hire a local teenager to hold him while I cleared out cupboards because he wouldn't sit and play for even ten minutes. Awful sleeper too. But he has improved loads and is now 2 and a bit. I bought something like this www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/4834911.htm?CMPID=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59156|cid:189942085|agid:18091973005|tid:aud-158518126633:pla-166234970485|crid:77627773405|nw:g|rnd:12021226383898184083|dvc:c|adp:1o1&gclid=CjwKEAjwoPG8BRCSi5uu6d6N5WcSJABHzD8FvYWP66_IW1CkzepSqVlxXofirBKSSU_dg3TCt7AjsRoCdVLw_wcB It did help a lot - he could play in it for a whole 10 minutes without crying!

Much love and hope it gets better for you v soon.

[TheABC]

Not read the whole thread, but it got easier for me after the first year, when DS could do more for shelf. Now at 3 years old, he is much easier to manage as communication, reasoning (and bribery) can be used.

One thing that did help in the early days were the tinytalk classes (sign language for babies). DS was able to make the signs for milk, nappy, hurting etc. This reduced some of the frustration and occasionally helped me head off a tantrum.

[InionEile]

DH needs to do more. Parenting is not just about the fun daytime weekend stuff. Anyone can do that - grandparents, aunt or uncle or a babysitter. Being a parent means sucking it up and doing the hard shitty stuff too.

YOU are doing this and being a parent right now, Lime but your DH is not. He is working in his regular job that he would be in regardless of whether he is a parent or not and then doing some fun stuff at the weekend. It's not good enough.

[LimeLeaves]

Thanks for all the advice and support, it means a lot.

I think I gave the wrong impression about DH. He does do a lot at weekends (and If he's ever home before bedtime he takes over with DS while I cook). Yesterday he played with DS all day. I took a couple of hours to get my hair done, and spent the rest of the day cleaning. It's just nights we disagree over. I feel every weekend he should do one of the early starts since I'm doing all night wakings. He says that's my job. I go to bed by 10pm in order to get enough sleep but am usually up at 11pm, 1am, 4am and often in between. He likes to stay up late (doing family paperwork/accounts etc but also watching stuff and playing games) so wants to sleep in. He offers to 'help' with night wakings but I have to ask for that help. He usually has headphones in so doesn't hear DS until I come and find him. DS is used to me in the night so won't settle as easily for DH. Sometimes I just want a hug, or for him to say 'don't worry I'll take over at 6am so you can sleep in'. Instead he says 'I'll take him out for a couple of hours in the afternoon so you can sleep'. Great, but by afternoon I'm so fuelled up on coffee I'd rather just power through and crack on with the long list of jobs (housework, laundry, getting nursery stuff and packed lunches ready). I suppose we have quite traditional roles; he makes it clear his role is breadwinning, managing finances etc and my role is childcare and running the house (and working part time). He says I need to delegate jobs to him if I need help with 'my' role of running house.

DS used to like jumparoo but is too tall for it now. He likes his walker but gets frustrated after 5-10mins. We tried sing and sign but he's so active he won't sit still for any of the songs/signs!
I think I do need more friends with babies his age or a bit older. He loves playing with other children. I find it hard to fit it in, as most of the groups I used to go to are on days I'm working.

[cosmicglittergirl]

If my DH said that the early wakings 'were my job', I'd go fucking nuclear. Also, when your husband is looking after his child you're then cleaning and cooking. Sounds like drudge life to me. My DH works full time and he got up to DD2 twice last night and this morning. Because he's not a prick.

[DiggersRest]

Wow, that's pretty selfish of your dh! I do all night wakings with dd1, dh gets up to dd1 if she needs a wee or whatever, but l hand dd2 over at 7am every Saturday and Sunday and sleep until 9ish.

Dh used to think that having a nap in the arvo with dd1 would make it all ok until l pointed out l can't just nod off when it suits him! And then if we went out l wouldn't get a rest.

It is hard finding the balance when you have dc.

[fusionconfusion]

Great post on the first page by Kenduskeag.

Support is critical. This says it all for me: revolutionfromhome.com/2016/04/absence-village-mothers-struggle/

Will reread thread now.

[fusionconfusion]

When I felt like you do now was around 9-14 months I built in a treat day on Mondays (when I didn't work) to go on a trip with my then first born to a particular activity and we would have a nice lunch afterwards. I also took up an evening activity - I told dh it was happening or I was out of there. It helped a lot. It is a very hard time.

I have three now, and my eldest is 7. It is way easier but mainly because I have negotiated more time for me and have more established support. Also because I no longer read "advice" on how I need to be with my children (having learned all the major things) and so am able to trust my own experience and intuition more as I am more practiced.

It gets better.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

My DH works full time and is away a fair bit. I'm a SAHM. As he gets 3-4 nights a week in a hotel completely undisturbed he does a lot of the night wakings (and all early mornings) when he's here. I may be a SAHM but with a baby and a toddler I don't get any down time during the day (toddler doesn't nap) so it's not like I'm relaxing at home while he's out at work. I genuinely don't get the attitude that a SAHM should do every single thing house and child related.

[JemimaMuddledUp]

DH needs to pull his weight a bit more. And I think you need to spell it out to him - say you'll get up with DS any time up until 5:30am but after that it is his turn and you are having a lie in.

Certain ages are harder than others. My favourite ages so far have been 3, 7 and 11 years. What you have to remember is that the crap bits do pass.

[Houseconfusion]

Also I feel guilty and DH thinks he needs 'mummy time' so is against it.

You lost me there. For once a month? What. A. Twat.

[Penfold007]

No you didn't give the wrong impression of your H but you are minimising his unsupportive crap behaviour. So it's your job to do everything because he works full time and likes to stay up late playing games etc. You sound utterly exhausted, depressed and downtrodden.

[nousernames]

Hi op - this age is very hard and I don't think that many people enjoy it tbh. They're just on the verge of walking/talking etc but just so frustrated that they can't do it.

A few things that helped me were I didn't read any blogs/social media crap by people who were constantly positive about parenthood. I'm quite a whingy person and so are my friends so I didn't have any unrealistic expectations of fun filled days baking and doing art in a lovely tidy house.

I also saw my time with kids as 'work' in that when dh was at work I was equally working by looking after a mini tyrant who expected you to read his mind. So when dh came in from work he didn't get to put his feet up until I did. Same with nights out etc. This was harder to do until there were two weekends in a row where I went away from the Friday to the Sunday for hen dos. I missed ds loads but as a pp suggested I didn't prepare anything to help dh I just let him know what needed to be done. I think those two weekends saved my sanity and marriage because it finally clicked for dh that it is in fact hard work looking after little ones while trying to stay on top of everything else. Dh actually admitted the first weekend he didn't even have a shower because he wasn't sure where to put ds!

[Onenerfwarfrombreakdown]

I've read your most recent update and I STILL think your DH is an utter cock. Selfish critical useless arse, sorry but he has NO idea !!

My DH was heading a little bit towards twatdom, not really understanding the bone numbing exhaustion of lack of sleep combined with "can't take your eyes off them for a second". Best thing I ever did was go away overnight (sum total of about 26 hours) for first time when DS was about 10 months, super fast crawling but no speech. DH had to do everything (no nearby family support). When I arrived back, I'm not sure who was more pleased to see me - DS big beaming happy smile, DH looking grey skinned and frazzled - this was just after ONE night. He was a LOT more sympathetic after that I highly recommend it! Make it a weekend and get yourself 2 nights sleep while you're at it.

[nousernames]

Oh and my kids don't settle as well for dh as they do for me because it's generally me who puts them to bed and gets up for them in the night (dh works away a lot) but I file that under that category of 'not my problem'.

If they aren't settling for him because they aren't as used to him putting them to bed, well then me going along and taking over won't help the situation at all in the long term.

[Fairylea]

I agree with the posts saying that your dh is useless. If you have a child that wakes up regularly throughout the night you don't get to sit up and play games / watch films so you can have a lie in both days and never get up in the night. It's immature and selfish. He isn't treating you with love, he's treating you like a horrible boss treats an employee they think is beneath them. The fact he helps out during the day doesn't excuse the fact he speaks to you so badly and doesn't help out with nights / let you have a lay in. I have a child with asd and learning difficulties who is 4 and wakes 3 + times a night and the nights are ten times harder than during the day.

As to your original question - it gets easier between 4-10 and then worse again from 11 when hormones and high school start kicking in. Being a parent is exhausting, stressful and full of worry. I love both my children very much but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what life was like before I had children. (My eldest is teenage now). You give up life as you know it when you have children.

[IncognitoBurrito]

You totally nailed it Kenduskeag. I may even print out your post and laminate it.

Wish I'd read that when I was struggling with my baby a few years ago.

[Thequilltosurvive]

Can't you at least do one lie-in each at the weekend? That works me for and DH. I can't see how he can possibly form any logical argument against that. Also, him playing with baby while you clean or cook isn't really giving you a break is it? When is your time to watch films or whatever it is he does at night?

[Atenco]

It is certainly apparent that your traditional marriage isn't working for you, OP. You don't seem to have any downtime. You either looking after the baby or doing your part-time job or doing housework. When your H has the baby that is to allow you to cook or do housework. Your poor wee baby! How on earth can you enjoy your child under those circumstances!

I am very pro-breastfeeding and pro-SAHPs, but I am even much more pro the person after the child feeling well and happy in themselves, so if that means using formula and/or getting a job, that is how it has to be. I sent my dd to nursery every day until 2:30pm and that gave me plenty of time to enjoy her in the afternoon and evening and I didn't have a twat of husband to run around after either

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

In my experience it seemed to get "easier" when DTs turned 12mo, and it became even more enjoyable after 18mo. Them starting to talk made a lot of difference, as well as walking.
Going for a walk without the buggy was a nice (free) activity - even if at the beginning you walk a ridiculously small distance.

I love the deal DH and I made regarding nights:

• on week nights, I would do Sun/Mon/Wed/Thur. But DH did Tues, which gave me a guaranteed full night sleep. It made all the difference.
  
• on weekends, one of us would cover the night but then got to sleep until 9:30 (end of the children's morning nap). We would switch the next day.
  

I used a large playpen for DTs to stay in while I was doing housework during the day, but in all honesty I didn't do much, maybe 45min everyday. I felt that taking care of the children and cleaning/tidying up as we went already took all my energy!

[IJustLostTheGame]

Things got easier for me at 14 months. Dd started toddling and I stopped breastfeeding and milk at night. After 3 nights dd started sleeping through 7 until 5-6am. Finally getting chunks of sleep made me feel capable again.
Plus she began to amuse herself for 10 minutes a time. Enough for a cup of tea, doing the dishwasher, putting a wash on etc.
And there are two mornings in a weekend. That's one lie in each.