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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh and my deceased mother

55 replies

Flowersandtrees · 29/07/2016 11:12

My mum died 4 months ago and it was sudden so I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with. I also have no siblings and 4 young children plus a husband who was supportive at first but is being horrible at times now. Also my father died a few years ago so I feel I have no one to talk to at all about this as I have no other family apart from my children and husband.
I had mislaid a piece of paperwork for the council tax this morning as I had sorted the paperwork out earlier in the week. My husband needed this to make a phone call and asked me where it is so I said it should be in our file box. He emptied everything out and couldn't find it( he is very untidy when looking for things so everything I had sorted had been mixed up) I also have a file box with my moms affairs in and he went to look in there.
I told him not to go in there as it was my mums things and I had organised it. He ignored me and started to pull everything out in temper as I was trying to stop him so he emptied it upside down so everything fell out.
I'm so upset, it contained her will, death certificate, financial affairs a few hospital letters and sentimental stuff I had put in there. All of this was just all over the floor. I have to say I tried to pull him off it and he slapped me on the arm.
I can't stop crying as I have never felt so alone in my life as I do now.
Also can some one advise me as I do not want to put his name on the house Feds but where do I stand legally? If we split would he be entitled to half the house?
Sorry for rambling my head is all over the place at the moment. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 29/07/2016 11:16

You poor thing. That's terrible treatment. He is being very insensitive. I had to deal with my father's estate and all his documents are very treasured. I would hate to see them thrown around like that.

Has he ever slapped you before? How long have you been married?

2nds · 29/07/2016 11:19

I think this is emotional abuse. I'm sure the council document could have waited and he could have allowed you to sift through your mum's effects if needs be. My OH's mother is dead and I wouldn't dare touch anything he has of hers, he has a pile of old photos that he keeps saying he's going to get frames for but he never does and I'd love to see the pics on display but they are his pictures and it's up to him to put them up.
Some things are out of bounds, he had a boundary and he breached that massively.

I'm not sure about the house, you'd need to go see a solicitor about that but I wish you good luck for that's a horrible thing he did.

NameChange30 · 29/07/2016 11:19

Sorry for your loss Flowers
Maybe you could get some bereavement counselling to help you process your feelings about losing your mum?
That won't solve the problem of your husband being nasty but it will at least give you some support and hopefully help you to feel a bit stronger and able to deal with him.
Are you inheriting your mum's house, is that what you mean about putting his name on the deeds?

Original poster
Flowersandtrees · 29/07/2016 11:19

I feel like he has disrespected my mums memory. She had organised this file for me so I knew where everything was when the time came and I added stuff to it aswell. We have been married just over 10 years. He has been physical before, not full on slapping or punching but grabbing, pulling and pushing. He also can be verbally abusive.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 29/07/2016 11:20

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Can you go and see a solicitor to try and find out your rights?

Original poster
Flowersandtrees · 29/07/2016 11:22

Yes I will be inheriting my moms house. I need to see a councellor. Miss my mom and when he is like this it makes it worse as I feel more isolated.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/07/2016 11:22

Oh dear, he is abusive then. Please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. And if you are considering ending the relationship, it would be a good idea to call the free Rights of Women family law helpline for legal advice.

You do need to get real life support ASAP.

GloGirl · 29/07/2016 11:22

Even before I got to him assaulting you I was very upset. Your grief must be immense and he was so disrespectful to you and to your Mum.

Are you ok? Is he at home with you now? Honestly I would phone 101 and report he has slapped you Flowers

GloGirl · 29/07/2016 11:24

This is domestic violence. All those TV shows and adverts for Women's Aid that you see - they are for you .

Please access support
Phone the police on 101 or call Women's Aid

GloGirl · 29/07/2016 11:25

Womens Aid

0808 2000 247

Freephone 24 hr helpline

Original poster
Flowersandtrees · 29/07/2016 11:25

He is downstairs at the moment. He tried to apologise and said he would help me sort it out, he said it's only paperwork, but to me it's not it contains everything my mom had that was in an order so I could find things. I told him to go away and to leave it so I came upstairs.

OP posts:
PirateFairy45 · 29/07/2016 11:26

What an utter dick.

Atinybittiredandsad · 29/07/2016 11:27

What a nasty bully op. Her advice on your financial position and see your GP and tell her about the situation. Keep posting. Flowers

DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 29/07/2016 11:27

No advice but lots of hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have lovely friends to lean on.

Rainbowshine · 29/07/2016 11:28

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. In terms of helping you with bereavement, Cruse are amazing. Other posters will be better able to advise re your husband's abusive behaviour. Look after yourself OP

cestlavielife · 29/07/2016 11:28

please go to gp and tell the gp - ask for referral for bereavement counselling
also tell gp your h is abusive as well.
you will need support to divorce and leave him .

this is not just about his lack of respect for your loss but throws into focus his abuse of you. you dont have to live with this. see a solicitor too.

AnythingGoesWithMe · 29/07/2016 11:29

To be honest I can't see the problem with checking another box. It wasn't in the file you thought so he was checking another.
Yes you didn't think it was in there but it was a possibility surely.

Crying and trying to grab it off him seems a little extreme to me. The slapping is not good but you do say you were grabbing at him so possibly an instinctive reaction. Only you know whether it was a deliberate hit or a get off me swat.
Is this a pattern of being disrespectful about your mum?

AnythingGoesWithMe · 29/07/2016 11:31

Oh there weren't any replies before.
If he's been physical before then ignore what I said above

NavyandWhite · 29/07/2016 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Flowersandtrees · 29/07/2016 11:32

Anything goes, it's because I know how he messes everything up when he looks. He doesn't look in a tidy manner. Also yes, he has said horrible things in an argument. One of them being I had got everything I wanted(meaning no mortgage even though I had never said this to him) so I replied what a dead mother? There have been other similar other things like I was horrible to my mom and dad when they were alive(I wasn't)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowersandtrees · 29/07/2016 11:33

Sorry cross post anythinggoes

OP posts:
DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 29/07/2016 11:33

AnythingGoes have some empathy will you? The OP is struggling with bereavement and there is no reason why her council tax papers would be in with her mum's things!

NameChange30 · 29/07/2016 11:35

AnythingGoes If you can't be bothered to read the OP's posts you could at least be kind about the fact that she's just lost her mum.

NameChange30 · 29/07/2016 11:37

OP, the more you post the worse he sounds Sad
Could you go out for a bit? I'm just concerned that he's still in the house and you don't have any breathing space x

bitemyshinymetalass · 29/07/2016 11:37

I think your mother has left you a great gift: the ability to leave your husband, now that you have her house to move to.