Dh and my deceased mother

[Flowersandtrees]

My mum died 4 months ago and it was sudden so I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with. I also have no siblings and 4 young children plus a husband who was supportive at first but is being horrible at times now. Also my father died a few years ago so I feel I have no one to talk to at all about this as I have no other family apart from my children and husband.
I had mislaid a piece of paperwork for the council tax this morning as I had sorted the paperwork out earlier in the week. My husband needed this to make a phone call and asked me where it is so I said it should be in our file box. He emptied everything out and couldn't find it( he is very untidy when looking for things so everything I had sorted had been mixed up) I also have a file box with my moms affairs in and he went to look in there.
I told him not to go in there as it was my mums things and I had organised it. He ignored me and started to pull everything out in temper as I was trying to stop him so he emptied it upside down so everything fell out.
I'm so upset, it contained her will, death certificate, financial affairs a few hospital letters and sentimental stuff I had put in there. All of this was just all over the floor. I have to say I tried to pull him off it and he slapped me on the arm.
I can't stop crying as I have never felt so alone in my life as I do now.
Also can some one advise me as I do not want to put his name on the house Feds but where do I stand legally? If we split would he be entitled to half the house?
Sorry for rambling my head is all over the place at the moment. Thanks for reading.

[Missgraeme]

U need to file for financial severance ASAP or he is entitled to share anything u inherit. It costs about £70.

[george1020]

Sorry for your loss OP

I wouldn't put your DH on the deeds, the house is yours not his. It's ok to have separate things and hopefully this house may help you to be self reliant.
Might you like to move into the house for a little while? Get some headspace and take some time for you.
One day at a time, it will get easier.

[Topseyt]

for you OP. I am so sorry to hear about your mum.

Your husband is an arse. He is abusive and couldn't care less about your feelings.

It is good that you are inheriting your mum's house. Definitely don't put his name on the deeds. Speak to a solicitor sooner rather than later to shore up your position.

I really don't know at what point such an inheritance might come to be legally considered as a marital asset, if it ever is considered that way.

Solicitors need to know that he should not be allowed to get any share in the house and that they should not involve him at all.

[DollyBarton]

Ion feel so upset for you. How unkind when you are so vulnerable.

[aginghippy]

Sorry for your loss

You have received some good advice upthread. Be kind to yourself and take your time deciding what to do next.

[Dragongirl10]

Op, l am so very sorry for the loss of your dear mum you must be heartbroken, it sounds like you were close.

Just remember no one can take away the lovely times you have had with your mum all these years, all those lovely memories are yours forever.

I think you know you need to leave your abusive husband, your mum has given you the gift of freedom from his abuse with her house, and the chance to live a better life with your children.

I second everything Benedikte2 said. She is totally right please follow that advice.

It may help to take one hour at a time when you are feeling overwhelmed with grief, just do whatever you need for that hour then think of the next.

Do you think your mum knew your H was abusive and wanted you to move out?

Sending hugs

[diddl]

LTB.

What a bullying disrespectful git!

[AcrossthePond55]

for the loss of your mum.

I agree with a PP above, don't let him take away from your relationship/memories of your mum. He's probably jealous of your relationship. And it could be, as another PP hinted, that he knows that your mum knew how he really was and did what she could to make it easier for you to leave.

Talk to a solicitor, find out about spousal entitlement to an inheritance. I know that here (US, specifically California) inheritance is considered totally separate property UNTIL you put it in a joint asset upon which it becomes community property.

Do you want out of the marriage?

[Benedikte2]

Flowers. Take a breath and carry on and take your time. Carry on as normally as possible. Sounds like your DH is feeling threatened by the fact that you now have a degree of independence because of your inheritance. That is what has spiked his anger this time.
Do the research you need etc and if you decide you are going to split quietly move the stuff you want to keep and which he won't notice is missing, to your mom's house. Do everything you can to avoid an open confrontation for the safety of yourself and your children because he has shown himself to have a short fuse and anger issues.
Were you planning on renting out your mom's house? If so carry on and clear and clean and redecorate but to your own taste. If you were both planning to move into it then delay the move until you are ready to move with just the children. Probate always takes time so you can tell him that.
He should not have any rights to the house provided you separate before it becomes the family home and he puts money into it, but take advice on that to protect yourself. Have a quiet word with the solicitor handling the estate and tell him you want only your name on the deeds but not to discuss the matter with your husband. Make a will adapt leaving the property in trust for your children. Do not make DH a trustee. Once this is all settled tell your DH your children are the beneficiaries but in case he has any murderous intentions. All this might sound melodramatic but better safe than sorry as many victims will tell you.
Good luck.

[JustHappy3]

My husband is an incredibly messy searcher - sometimes irritating, sometimes it's endearing. But tipping your mum's file up and emptying the contents on the floor is beyond belief. Being physical is even worse.

[peggyundercrackers]

there are a lot of thing I would tolerate but this wouldn't be one of them. I think I would have wanted to stab him in the forehead for doing that. I think you need to walk - I wouldn't be putting up with behaviour like that - its just going to get worse as time goes on. he isn't sorry for what hes done...

[carabos]

bitemyshinymetalass has it. Your mother saw this coming.
Sorry for your loss.

[timelytess]

They are two separate issues.

1. Your mum's stuff. It will be ok. Reorganise it and don't be afraid. Think about your mum while you do it, and how much she cared for you that she tried to make things straightforward. He can't hurt her, you know. He can't take away anything from your relationship with her. All that is sealed now.
   
2. Him. He's an abuser. You don't have to rush into - or out of - anything. But you know it now. If you are staying for a while, use the time to read up on abusive behaviour and inform yourself of possible ways forward. Counselling, Women's Aid, the Freedom Programme... there's lots online. You don't have to stay with him.

[Latenightreader]

You are going through a horrible time at the moment, and an unsupportive OH is making it all so much harder. I am not saying divorce him, but I am saying think carefully about his behaviour and be sure that you only stay in this relationship if you really, really want to. A divorce can be so much better for children than an unhappy home environment, but only you can know the full details. Think about whether this behaviour is part of a larger pattern, because from what you have posted here it definitely sends out danger signals to me.

[bunnyfuller]

There is now legislation covering emotional abuse. He has committed two offences -assault and emotional abuse.

www.cps.gov.uk/news/latest_news/new_domestic_abuse_law_introduced/

I'm very sorry for your loss OP

[LuluJakey1]

Sorry about your mum- I am an only child too. Dad died a number of years ago and mum 2 years ago. I have DH but it is different. No one to talk to about things that are part of the past that we shared as a family; holidays, grandparents, days out, funny thngs, sad things. No one to ask now either. No one else cared the way I did about my mum so I just keep it all to myself. DH would listen and he cared about her but she wasn't his mum. It is tough and I empathise with you.

[Anicechocolatecake]

You poor love. That must have been so upsetting. It's kind of taboo he even touched that folder let alone throw it everywhere. It's full of precious things. I'm sorry he's let you down so much at a vulnerable time.

[LuluJakey1]

Get out of this marriage asap. His actions are showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. See a solicitor and file for divorce- before you inherit anything.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

I'm really sorry for your loss and also the way your DH is treating you and has treated you in the past. You don't deserve this at all.

As you're inheriting your mom's house, this could be the chance you have for things to change and going out on your own, but when you're in the middle of grieving, I can imagine that seems way too much.

He shouldn't have behaved the way he did. He lost his temper and took it out on you and he shouldn't have. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

[Wdigin2this]

So sorry you're in this position, but it sounds like you want to get out of this marriage, so go see a solicitor and get things moving....wishing you a better life!

[TattyCat]

Op I'm so sorry to hear this. It doesn't matter that it was a piece of paper he was looking for - he disrespected your DM and for that, I would find it hard to forgive. Given what you've written, I would take the opportunity to live in your DM's house, with your children, and leave him where he is. Do you own the house you currently live in or is it rented?

On the other hand, I would always say that making any kind of major decision after a bereavement is probably not a good idea, but of course it depends on your circumstances and you must do what, deep down, is the right thing for you.

[angieloumc]

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP, four months is nothing at all and obviously compounded by the loss of your dad too. Your husband is being abusive; you're now more isolated without your mum and it seems the abuse (from pushing, grabbing to now slapping) is being stepped up to push you down even more.
Like another poster said your mum had left you a gift; think about perhaps contacting Women's Aid, and going forward move into your mum's house when you can. He sounds like the most dreadful man, time to
let him deal with his own issues himself and you put yourself and your children first.

[JacquettaWoodville]

This is not a good man. You can leave him, OP. Do you have children?

Anything you inherit before a divorce is finalised will be taken into account when agreeing any financial settlement. However, spousal maintenance isn't automatic!

[EssexMummy1234]

I agree counselling and legal advice - also isn't there something called The Freedom Program the OP could look at?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

what a nasty man, It sounds like this bereavement (I am so sorry, lost a parent at the same time as you) has opemnded your yes.AND- you have a house coming your way so means of support shoukd you decide to split

Yiou don't need me to tell you his behaviour is abuisne, as you know that already

Some initial things

stay calm
consider getting a counsellor experienced in emotional abuse (I know a good one that does telephone)
get yourself very legally clued up, ideally see a solicitor or search on amazon for the best books on family law