parents of the 70s and 80s were way angrier - DYA?

[JackandDiane]

Was talking to mates about long holiday car journeys and we all remembered blazing rows ( normally near Rouen) as par for the course - and we remembered them in a funny way, although I am sure they probably weren't

We just don't have huge bust ups like our parents did now adays - are parents more tactful and discreet, or do we all simmer or text our pals angrily? Why dont't parents ROW any more?

It will obviously vary from family to family, but I agree that there was a higher tolerance for shouty behaviour in the past. I remember a dramatic scene with my mother accusing my father of buying the wrong bread and he opened the car window and flung it out.

I personally prefer things nowadays when there's less tolerance for this and higher expectations of how we behave towards each other.

My parents were shouty. My whole family were / are now I think about it. It wasn't horrible, more snappy and irritable. Lots of "if you'd told me you were going to be late I WOULDT HAVE COOKED YOUR BLOODY TEA!" And the response "THEN STOP BLOODY COOKING FOR ME. I WONT STARVE" type nonsense.

I think in my house, my parents had been largely neglected as children and had nothing. They concentrated all efforts on earning enough money for luxuries and making sure we spent time together - so much so that they used to annoy the hell out of each other.
They got on better as me and my sister got older.

I too am shouty, but don't feel like it helps any situation so al trying to change.

DH's parents bickered and told each other to fuck off / go away / leave a lot - this wasn't shouty but was vicious and he hated it.

I do remember a lot of my friends' parents rowing quite a lot. The only real 'row' I remember my parents having was about Green Shield stamps < shows age>

My parents rowed too. Funnily enough, not on car journeys.
DF had very stressful job and still, to this day is a real stress bunny.
DF would come home late from work, DM would cook dinner, DF would eat it, then head to the pub. Night after night. Networking not boozing. I can understand how dM got pissed off. They are still married.

I think it's unhealthy not to row. Our DCs need to know that life isn't always a bed of roses and it is OK to be cross with someone, clear the air and move on.

Stew over time and you are heading for big trouble. IMO anyway.

It's the done thing to have emotional intelligence these days. However courses on mindfulness and the like have only recently become acceptable.

That's iMO.

My mum used to shout and rant but my dad never raised his voice or argued with her so she was more or less shouting to herself.
She shouted at us kids all the time. Dad never did. It was my dad that we respected most because he was strict but always calm.

My mum and dad were a bit shouty, but never EA or violent - it was usually rubbish about Dad wanting to watch Newsnight and my mum wanting Bergerac ( my mum usually won, hence my first crush being on John Nettles - nothing like a forty year age gap). In fact, the bit about your post that caught my attention was the 'long car journeys' - I remember spending a trip from St Ives, Cornwall to Exeter (circa 1981) lying in the boot of an Escort with the door held opened with bungee cords (I guess so I could breathe...). Really cannot see that being acceptable nowadays!

Oh yes. When I look back on my childhood (which I like to do as little as possible) I don't think my parents ever just "spoke". Car journeys were awful. There were spectacular displays of door slamming and storming off for days. DF used to regularly bellow at DM "can you lower your voice to a dull roar?" I don't think they were the norm though.

My parents rowed. All the time, not just on car journeys. It was a horrible atmosphere to grow up in. They still row a lot and I honestly have no idea how they've managed to stay married for well over 50 years.

DH's parents never rowed, at least not in front of the children. They were very much keeping up appearances types, so maybe they fought when the DC weren't around, but DH doesn't think so.

DH & I hardly ever row. I very occasionally feel the need to roar at him, but he hates conflict so he won't engage & removes himself from the situation until I've calmed down & can discuss things rationally. On the very rare occasions we have had a row the DC have been really upset because they aren't used to a shouty household.

God yes my Mum and Dad could have won awards if there was a competition for rowing.

They had a few huge,huge rows that frightened the life out of me the rest of the time it was little sly digs at one another or slagging each other of behind one anothers backs.

From what I can remember that was every single day,but they never divorced they'd been together for over 50 years when my poor Mum sadly passed away.

I'd heard other couples arguing when I was growing up but mainly I heard adults shouting at they're children,my Mum shouted alot at all of us.

Mine didn't shout, they used those much more frightening quietish but very slow and deliberate over enunciated voices that are meant to imply the person they are talking to is stupid, and in fact sound like a very frightening version of a sterotypically British tourist speaking clearly to a Forrin person.

I prefer shouting myself - clear the air then make up 10 minutes later rather than terrify everyone with barely contained threat of explosion that is clearly there simmering.

My mother threw knives at me once but never at my father I don't think, and she did it in silence, she didn't shout. My father comforted me by saying "She doesn't mean it, you know what your mother is like" She was a very respectable pillar of the local community and church, retired from a highly trusted professional job. She mainly controlled people by crying and bizzare veiled threats though.

"I remember spending a trip from St Ives, Cornwall to Exeter (circa 1981) lying in the boot of an Escort with the door held opened with bungee cords (I guess so I could breathe...). ....."

You sure you haven't just misremembered a kidnap attempt? 'No Dear, nothing bad happened, it was just a holiday trip! No real kidnapper would have left the boot open, after all, now would they? We were just short of space - the dog needed the back seat more than you did........'

Mine was, in comparison, luxury! The back of a transit mini work van, complete with plastic piping and tools, but I did have some old sofa cushions and a blanket, rather than sliding about on the metal floor..............

We shout. Less since we got satnav but we definitely shout.

I am quite a shouty person.

God, Dyke! Never occurred to me ( my mum very good at putting a 'positive spin' on the past - me and Dsis 'never cried', potty trained as soon as we left the hospital, reading Chekov at 18 months...). She's coming over in a bit - I think we need a 'chat'....

My parents bickered, argued and yelled all through my childhood (born mid-70s). They still do. It's rare for them to have a conversation lasting more than 10 minutes that doesn't degenerate into a row with raised voices.

I have huge problems with conflict as a result. I wish they'd got divorced years ago.

I can't have a relationship for various reasons (not least the example my parents set!) but my friends (peer group) seem to have fewer arguments and to treat each other with more respect. Maybe that's down to the kind of people I've chosen as friends...

OP, I am wondering if we are sisters!

I think people have different preferences. However I would be happy to communicate with ex in any way that he would listen to me, there just insn't one, so shouting happens because I am not allowed to say anything

""was it more acceptable then to SHOUT at each other and not be seen to be half way to the divorce courts? ""

It definitely was, as was DV, child neglect/physical abuse, sexual harassment etc.

There was a lot of DV in the area that I grew up in, so the Women only tended to shout at eat other, or the children. If you answered your DH back, or shouted at him, you'd pay for it later.

It was later on, early 90's, that everyone was recognising that there are better was to communicate and bring up children.

I remember my parents rowing exactly once - and that was when I'd got a bad mark in maths despite working very, very hard for the test. I was just not good at maths and had bad teachers too. So my dad had a go at me and my mum stood up for me and told him it was not on. I got an apology and flowers from him, and then had maths tutoring, which sorted me out.

My DH and I row a lot more than my parents ever did, though we are getting better as we get older.

Our parents never yelled at us or each other but were smacked if really naughty.
We were less demanding then though and parents lives didn't revolve round their kids like they do today. I'm not sure why as there were more sahm then.
You just got on with it and didn't really ask or expect anything from parents.
Whole idea of summer hols was to entertain yourself.

We just don't have huge bust ups like our parents did now adays - are parents more tactful and discreet, or do we all simmer or text our pals angrily? Why dont't parents ROW any more?

Why would you look at what you and your friends are like and think the whole world is like that? I ROW. It's healthy to get your emotions out there, to state you have a problem and sort it out, sometimes loudly. It doesn't bother the children, they know its just a row and no harm is done. We have had some epic rows when driving on holiday, the children remember them as being hilarious.

My dad and mum shouted. Really cleared the air. We are so emotionally constipated and overly analytical these days. Hence higher divorce rate now?

My parents always had big bust ups on holiday. Every single year my dad lost the travellers cheques (our only source of cash), blamed everyone else, shouted for a few hours about how we would have to turn around and go home and then found them in the "safe place" he had hidden them. Not sure if that is anything to do with the 70s though as he still shouts but doesn't take travellers cheques anymore.

I know I think about the affect that my actions have on the children. My parents certainly didn't, and nor did my DH's parents.
The rows between my mother and stepfather were some of the most terrifying times in my life. It depends on the context though, if a child felt generally safe and loved an argument between generally loving parents wouldn't seem like the end of the world.

Mine always had big shouty rows and physical fights.

We never shout. Hate it. My kids would say we never row although we do grump at each other in private.

No way did I ever want my kids to see and hear what me and my sister did.

My parents still do now. 3 years ago dad tripped mum up in the kitchen and she broke her hip. They are both 80. I know he did as she told me while coming out of anaesthetic but what can you do? She just as likely throw a bottle at him.

It's how they live and strangely enough underneath it all they adore each other.

My mum and dad didn't seem to row when we were kids but my mum used to beat us so it probably took the edge off.