Okay, Ladythraps. Here goes:
I've met many widows and widowers at a group I attend, and know others online. I've heard a few things in my own grief counselling which I've also observed to be true.
- People who had the longest, happiest marriages are often the fastest to get into new, good relationships, because they find the loneliness the hardest to deal with.
- There is no such thing as moving on, after losing a spouse. But each of us needs to find a way of keeping on going, and for some widow/ers part of the way to do that is a new relationship.
-The new partner is never a replacement for the deceased spouse. Never, ever, ever.
- Nor do you remove your love from one to give it to the other. You know how you love your first child with every fibre of your being, and then you have another, and love them all over again just as much, without the love for DC1 diminishing? It's like that.
- There isn't a rule book of how to behave as a widow/er, yet many people have opinions on the right/respectful way we should behave, and it gets very confusing.
-it really is possible to be incredibly sad about losing one person and be happy to find someone else all at the same time.
Having said that, the 'men deal with grief differently' thing fucks me off too - grief doesn't absolve people from acting like a decent human being, and not considering the feelings of their children is unkind and thoughtless. But many bereaved men don't behave like that, and indeed, some women do too.
I have heard about and witnessed a few incredibly fast new relationships - days or a few weeks. But most people wait months, some years. And, honestly, 7 months as in your father's case, isn't super-quick. I don't mean to belittle your feelings - or your mum - by saying that. And it would have been too fast for me - I'm not trying to justify my own actions here. But if 7 months isn't okay, when would have been? A spurious amount of months or years? When could you dad have loved again without hurting you?
And another thing - you said upthread that you're married with your own kids. And no siblings. So presumably your dad lived alone after your mum's death? I can't think of anything worse than living alone after losing a spouse. After putting my DC to bed my nights were so lonely - still are, sometimes (hence still online - distraction from feeling sad - today was a significant date and so particularly hard.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that whilst I can see that you find your dad's actions upsetting, and why, I can also see why he hasn't ended his relationship because of your feelings. He knows he's not replacing your mum in his heart. And he knows that it is him, and not you, who has to live with the loneliness of living alone if he ends his new relationship.
I'm not saying not to talk to this woman. But I would advise both thinking about their relationship from your dad's perspective, and about what you want to achieve, before you do. If it's to say that you're still grieving for your mum, then fine. If it's to ask her to step aside from the relationship with your father, then... what if she did, and your father's grief and loneliness got worse?
Finally, grief counselling has helped me beyond measure. My kids, too. I can't recommend it highly enough.
Sorry I fi havnt been sensitive enough in this reply. Your grief came through your words so strongly. I really am very sorry you lost your mum, and that this situation has increased your heartbreak. I just know how overwhelming the loneliness at losing your mum will have been for your dad, too.