AIBU to be hurt and find this wildly inappropriate?

[AnotherNewPhoneCase]

Backstory: I'm 19, DM died in Feb, live with Step Dad (SD)

I have known for a while SD has been OD and speaking to women, found out by accident, no snooping involved just happened to look through the window at the wrong time and see him on Match. Anyway he's been going out a lot and not telling me who with (only asking in a friendly way, that sounds nice who did you go with etc) and he would ignore me. Whatever he's an adult. Anyway he's not told me he's seeing anyone until I wake up one day and hear a woman downstairs . I'm on holiday from work. I make it plainly clear I am at home as I sometimes stay at BFs house by shutting my bedroom door loudly as I go to have a shower. Spend a long time faffing to see if they leave. Go downstairs and find her laying on the sofa (where my mum used to sit, but not her fault she didn't know) have a short conversation in the kitchen with SD about my weekend away. Gets to the elephant in the room 'Zoe's in there if you want to meet her'. I said 'maybe when I'm not in my pyjamas' (had to get clothes from dryer) SD repeats what I said and laughs presumably so Zoe could hear. It doesn't matter because SHE CAME IN ANYWAY and I was trapped in the kitchen making polite chit chat about their weekend away and their rickety hotel. All in all I wore yesterday's clothes and left to see my brother.

I've had no warning this would happen and went out at 2;30pm stayed at BFs and came home today when he went to work, and she stayed the night????? My DM hasn't been dead 6 months and he's bringing someone else home? They were together 16 years and I'm just baffled by how he thinks this is okay.

Sorry for rambly post but I need to know who's being U

rosenwyn I think I agree regarding being alone but I don't think there is any manipulation going on. Their relationship was hard to describe but they were still seperate regarding finances and hobbies etc.

You ADNBU about how you feel after seeing Zoe in your home so soon after your mother's death.

However I don't think that there is very much you can do about you SD's behaviour.

I do think that you could benefit greatly from some bereavement counselling and also some legal advice about your financial arrangements with your SD.

Dying without leaving a will can cause problems but with professional help you should be able to get them sorted out. If I were you I would contact the CAB for further advice.

Take care, you seem like a lovely young lady and I am sure that things will get better for you.

Your SD sounds very caring to want to shield you from hurtful letters. It may be that in the future you read them but I would try not to worry about them right now. Your grief will still be quite raw and reading things that your mum wrote when mentally unwell will just make you more upset I would think.

Your SD obviously misses her hugely and reaching out to other women is his way of coping. But if you're not happy about anything in your house you of course have the right to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel.

What an awful lot you have been through.

" I'm glad he's happy I just wish he would be happy away from me"

I think that that is what you need to try to tell him.

Perhaps he thought that you wouldn't be home at all today or that she would be gone?

My mum died not long after they had been married 40yrs & my dad cleared her stuff really quickly.

All clothes gone & jewellry divided between sibling & I.

Perhaps he just thought that there was no point in her stuff being there iyswim?

Oh OP, I know it's not Zoe's fault, but I think your acceptance of her and your empathy towards her shows you have an incredible sense of self-awareness and feeling for others, in the most dreadful of circumstances. Many people, I'm sure, would not have responded in quite the way you have. You sound lovely, I am so sorry for all that you have been through, and I am sure you will find a way of expressing your feelings to SD in a sensitive manner. I do think you need outside support, though - you are dealing with extremely difficult issues here and you can't 'carry' your SD through this. You need kindness, too.

I want to say something but don't know what to say without hurting him or making him feel bad. But I do want to say something as her clothes are drying on the rack and her toothbrush is in the holder which makes me think this might not be a short stay.

sorry for your loss...have you reached out to counselling, you could also talk to your GP to get referred.

I think you need to talk to an outside professional to get through this.... such a professional could also facilitate discussion with your SD as well, if you wish, to agree ground rules.

you also need legal advice on the house etc.

AnotherNewPhoneCase

I just want to reach out and give you a huge hug, what a terrible and traumatic time you have been thought, and you are so young too. there is so much going on

a death
a suicide
the head fuck of the notes
a sister estrangement
and now this

FWIW, its must have been guhely traumatic for your SD, men DO grieve differently, not that its an consolation but a man very close to us moved on IN THREE FUCKING WEEKS, so compared to that 6 months is decent

I have no easy answers for you, but I do want to say you have experienced a huge amount, and its completely natural that your head will be all over the place. and If you don't feel comfortable you can politely say "I have no issues with XXX, but it does make me feel weird with Mum p[assed away. Could we coordinate so you have your date nights when I am out, would that be OK for a few months"

In my experience men move on quicker than women..6 months isn't a short time really....or perhaps I have really low opinions of men...in all honesty I don't think there is anything you can do about it...I think you need him and a roof over your head more than he needs you...sorry to sound blunt...my advice would be don't rock the boAt in case he asks you to leave...sorry again..you've had a rough time xxx

It has been my experience that some men move on VERY quickly after a spousal death.

My grandfather, in less than 5 months, was engaged to another woman after the death of my grandmother who he had been with for a long time. He even continued to arrange and be excited for it after the death of my DM, his daughter, despite the fact she was extremely upset about the whole business.

I want to say something but don't know what to say without hurting him or making him feel bad.

I think almost exactly what you've said on this thread would be appropriate. As others have said, you've been extraordinarily calm, reasonable and kind - you've not said a single bad word about 'Zoe', and you've been very clear that you don't blame your stepdad as such, but you are finding this too upsetting to deal with. Pick a moment where you've both got time to talk, and start this conversation.

What a heartbreaking situation. Unfortunately your SD is following a VERY common pattern in bereaved men. It doesn't detract at all from his feelings for your DM, it's more of a comfort thing, I think.

From my own experiences of this it's actually very common for the children to strongly dislike the new woman so that's one bonus.

You sound extremely mature and it sounds like you do have quite a good relationship with SD. I think it's very reasonable to say that you are pleased he's happy and she is nice but please can he be a bit more discrete and give you time?

If you can't afford to move out perhaps float the idea of moving to a different property or even him helping you to move, otherwise just trying to keep some distance between the 'new couple' and you is only decent.

You will be ok and you sound lovely, strong and resilient. However, also really recommend bereavement counselling. It's all too much for you to process.

In an ideal world, your SD should be the one asking you how you feel about the situation; he must understand how emotive & sensitive this situation is for you. It should not be up to you to broach the topic. Is it worth, as other PP's have suggested, asking your GP if there are any support services available to you? You cannot go through this alone, you have had a dreadful experience and you need someone you can share these feelings with. You are incredibly brave & kind-hearted, but bottling up emotions in order to spare the feelings of others may hurt you, eventually xxxx

I think it's time to talk to your SD and say you understand he's moving on , that you want him to be happy and Zoe seems very nice but it's too soon for you in your grieving processto have another woman staying in the house and could you work something out that for now she stays over when you are at your boyfriend's.

My OH moved on quickly after his partner died but her illness had taken its toll on their relationship (she and I were close friends) and would have moved on more quickly had I not insisted on waiting so I do understand that men do tend to move on more quickly. Fortunately his adult kids didn't have a problem with it all but she wasn't their Mum and neither still lived at home so a different situation.

No matter how difficult the relationship with your Mum was at times she was your Mum and if you need more time before seeing her husband move on in what is your home as well as his I think it's justifiable especially if asked for reasonably and your SD sounds like a nice man who will understand if you explain it clearly and respectfully as it sounds like you do have a loving and respectful relationship.

petal I agree with not rocking the boat but I disagree about 6 months being a short time after being with someone for 16 years and finding them hanging from the rafters in the shed with your scooters. I would have expected at least a year but it's been brought to my attention men move on quickly. I don't mean to be short I'm just confused and angry at the moment

stop thank you for that I think I will say that to him after my 'easy breezy' text of 'are you both staying tonight or is it just you' I am sorry for it only being 3 weeks before someone else was moved in
Just to make it clearer though my sisters not estranged, just strange we are very close and she only move so far away because her husband is military

While I think women are more inclined to want to process emotions than men, who may 'move on' (or convince themselves they have), more quickly, I still feel it is very insensitive of your SD to bring this woman, however pleasant she may be, into your home so soon after your mum's death. He has not sat down and talked to you about her; you woke up and she was there. I'm really sad about the fact that you are having to be the mature and sensitive one in this situation.

I think if you frame it as "I want you to be happy, and I am still really struggling with Mums death and the circumstances- and right now its really hard for to see another woman here. Its my problem, but can you help me a bit by managing our time so you have house to yourself when she is here"- he cant object to that can he?

I'm sorry for your loss OP

Given the nature of her death and the letters she wrote, do you think your SD might be angry with your Mum?

I'm just wondering if the moving on might be a reaction to this?

I will say there isn't a right or wrong way for you to feel - grief is different for everyone, including how you, your siblings and your SD will feel - because you will all have had a different and unique relationship with her.

I do agree he could have given you more warning but maybe he's finding it hard to talk about his feelings in relation to "moving on" to you especially if he feels a sense of resentment about her death.

Like PP's have said I'd defiantly seek out some counselling and perhaps write your SD a letter if you feel nervous about speaking to him.

re the funeral, its very hurtful. For what its worth all families implode in some way after a death. In fact I have never seen one without a post death falling out of some type.

Its either the will, or the siblings fall out, or that man (always the men!) moves on just a smidgen tio fast for comfort. Its normal, and very common. so look after yourself

A neighbour of mine moved on immediately, with the nurse That was an awkward funeral. .

Ring up cruse and see if they can point you in the right direction for counselling for young people. www.cruse.org.uk/children. There are a few small organisations that help people who have been bereaved through suicide.www.winstonswish.org.uk/death-through-suicide/.

Talk to your SD. He is probably hurting because of the way your DM died as well, and that complicates the way people respond. If the letters aren't very nice and he has read them, that probably hurts him too.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/death-through-suicide/

Sorry - messed up the link.

Also, what EatsShit says.

Cherylene - I know someone (not a friend I hasten to add) who moved on with the wife's best friend before the funeral and the "best friend" turned up AT the funeral wearing some of the dead woman's clothes and jewellery....

OP nothing to add to the advice of others but wanted to say I'm really sorry you're having to deal with so much

Sounds like a really sad situation. So sorry for your loss.

It does sound like your SD has moved on quickly but he is probably very lonely and he sees moving on as the only way of coping. Remember both you and your sister have partners and he doesn't really have anyone in that way.

He could have probably been more diplomatic and not invited his new girlfriend into the house though.

So sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to see that any negative things your DM said are a reflection of her disturbed and irrational mental state, not a reflection on you. I think your SD may have moved on quickly as he may be dealing with feelings of anger about the manner of her death and trying to distance himself emotionally from what happened. However he should have been more considerate of your feelings. He shouldn't have sent 90% of her clothes to charity without asking if you wanted to keep anything as a memento or introduced a new woman without warning. I understand that's upsetting and I hope you can find a way to discuss it with him and move forward. I agree with other posters suggestions to consider counselling, I've heard good things about Cruse.