AIBU to be hurt and find this wildly inappropriate?

[AnotherNewPhoneCase]

Backstory: I'm 19, DM died in Feb, live with Step Dad (SD)

I have known for a while SD has been OD and speaking to women, found out by accident, no snooping involved just happened to look through the window at the wrong time and see him on Match. Anyway he's been going out a lot and not telling me who with (only asking in a friendly way, that sounds nice who did you go with etc) and he would ignore me. Whatever he's an adult. Anyway he's not told me he's seeing anyone until I wake up one day and hear a woman downstairs . I'm on holiday from work. I make it plainly clear I am at home as I sometimes stay at BFs house by shutting my bedroom door loudly as I go to have a shower. Spend a long time faffing to see if they leave. Go downstairs and find her laying on the sofa (where my mum used to sit, but not her fault she didn't know) have a short conversation in the kitchen with SD about my weekend away. Gets to the elephant in the room 'Zoe's in there if you want to meet her'. I said 'maybe when I'm not in my pyjamas' (had to get clothes from dryer) SD repeats what I said and laughs presumably so Zoe could hear. It doesn't matter because SHE CAME IN ANYWAY and I was trapped in the kitchen making polite chit chat about their weekend away and their rickety hotel. All in all I wore yesterday's clothes and left to see my brother.

I've had no warning this would happen and went out at 2;30pm stayed at BFs and came home today when he went to work, and she stayed the night????? My DM hasn't been dead 6 months and he's bringing someone else home? They were together 16 years and I'm just baffled by how he thinks this is okay.

Sorry for rambly post but I need to know who's being U

jesus Cheryl and madcap
I thought my one was bad , but you have trumped mine- sheesh. THE NURSE

hopeful that's what my brother said

I've written a letter so I can go out and play Pokemon go

XXX,
I am glad you have found someone who makes you happy but I am struggling to come to terms with the idea of Zoe. I had no idea and no warning and it is hard to come to terms with.

Right now, although you're happy, I am finding it hard to see another woman in the house. I would really appreciate it if I had some warning in the future so I can make the decision about whether or not I will be in or staying out.

I think Zoe is nice but I would find it easier if you could let me know about if she will be staying as I am still coming to terms with mums death.

I do not want to make you feel upset but I do want you to know that I am not 100% okay with what's happening.

At the moment I do not plan to be home when you two are just so we all have our space. Please let me know you have got this and if you are both staying tonight :)

Another X

What should I change? Does it sound like he's being attacked? How would you feel if you were Zoe?

I wish I could give you a big fat hug OP.

My mum died unexpectedly last year and my dad started seeing another woman just seven months after her death. He stays at her house and she stays at his. Thankfully, I am in my forties with a husband and children of my own so I don't have to be in their presence.

Despite me being considerably older than you, I am feeling very similar to you. I am so angry with my dad for moving on so quickly. He has taken all my mum's clothes to charity to make room for new woman's clothes in the wardrobe. He has behaved incredibley insensitively and it has caused a number of rows between us. He can't see what the problem is and said on the phone to my husband that I really should be moving on now. He couldn't understand why I wasn't ready to meet new woman or why I felt it was too soon.

I have lost a lot of respect for my dad as a result and can't bear to be in his company because all he talks about is new woman and how wonderful she is. It is getting to the stage where I feel I may go no contact because I find myself getting so upset and angry whenever I do see him.

My dad was married to my mum for nearly 50 years! He is now acting like a lovesick teenager in his seventies and it makes me sick. I also feel a huge sense of anger towards the new woman. As if she has gone against the sisterhood, type thing. Sounds daft, I know!

I am going to be seeing a bereavement counsellor myself soon as I feel worse now than I did after mum died. I am full of resentment and bitterness. I am also suffering from severe clinical depression and anxiety as a result. It has taken a massive toll on my mental health. I direct all the blame towards my dad and I can't help it.

Please seek outside help now, OP. Don't let it eat you up like it is doing to me. I don't like the person I am becoming.

Definitely try and talk openly about new woman to your SD. I hope that when you do he really listens and takes your feelings on board. Unfortunately, with my dad it went in one ear and out the other.

I have known several people who have lost someone close to them through suicide, and there is a great deal of anger and resentment over the hurt that has been caused to everyone.
My BIL just pretended it had never happened and carried on with life as if nothing had happened and the deceased had never existed!
As PP's have said it is an extremely difficult time for all of you, and your SD is dealing with it in his own way. Don't think of him harshly, men do tend to want to move on quickly.

I think over time the whole of your family will need some sort of counselling and help, it is a lot for you all to deal with.

SUGGESTED EDITS xx

I am glad you have found someone who makes you happy but I am struggling to come to terms with the idea of Zoe. I had no idea and no warning and it is hard to come to terms with as I am still struggling with Mum and the manner of her death.

Right now, although you're happy (and I do want you to be happy ) , I am finding it hard to see another woman in the house. I would really appreciate it if I had some warning in the future so I can make the decision about whether or not I will be in or staying out.

I think Zoe is nice but I would appreciate it you could let me know about if she will be staying.

I do not want to make you feel upset but I need to look after myself as I am not 100%, in fact far from it.

At the moment in time, I do not plan to be home when you two are just so we all have our space. Please let me know if this make sense?

Another X

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. You sound like a lovely young woman.

People (not just men) move on at different times and for different reasons. My mum (married 52 years) never remarried nor even dated after the death of my dad. Her sister (married 42 years) got engaged and remarried within 18 months. Both dearly loved their late husbands, it's just that my aunt simply couldn't handle not being part of a couple. Could your SD be that way?

I do think that, given the nature of your mum's death, counseling might benefit you. And this is only me, but I'd want to read the note, no matter what it might contain. At the very least, I'd be asking for it even if I wasn't ready to read it right then.

No one is ever 'responsible' for another's suicide. It's always the decision of the person who commits the act.

Ahhh op you sound frazzled by it all and rightly so.

My fil was dating a few months after the death of my lovely mil. Both me and dh found it incredibly difficult to deal with and we didn't even live with him.

My DF had a relationship with my mum's palliative care nurse too. How odd someone else mentioned something like that. Guess it isn't that uncommon.

OP - so sorry you're going through this.

stop I used your edits, thank you!

Everyone else: thank you for your support xx

I think it's a pretty decent letter and I also think you're being incredibly mature about it considering what you've been through

It makes me wonder if she knows everything that's gone on (timelines etc) because I find it odd that anyone would be OK with staying over 1) that soon 2) with you in the house 3) without being introduced to you beforehand.

If you are with someone who is suffering it can be a very lonely place. Most people are very sympathetic to the patient but often the family member closest to them is expected to cope and gets little emotional support. In that situation it's not really surprising that they take emotional support where offered and that's often from a professional Carer and just as unsurprising that the shared experiences can bring close friendships or more. Most close friendships or relationships are built on a foundation of shared experiences of one kind or another after all.

Good luck OP. Sorry to read what you've been and are still going through.

My father met a new companion about a year after my mother suddenly died (married 40 years).

It felt odd and weird at first but they were ultra respectful to me and my mother. We get along well now. I respect and like her. I'm enormously grateful for the joy she's brought my father.

You are doing great. Your SD is being hugely, unnecessarily insensitive. You have more than enough to process without this being shoved down your throat. I really hope you are OK

I like that letter. Very mature, considered and thoughtful.

Hope it makes your SD more respectful of your feelings.

Do let us know how you get on.

I hope you get a decent reply from him, it was really unfair of him to ambush you like that.

Thanks everyone. It could have been a misunderstanding with him not expecting me to be in the house but it happened I suppose! I will let you know what happens :)

Someone I worked with met a man OLD (both late 50s) whose wife, it turned out, was very ill with terminal cancer. She died 6 weeks later and my friend married him 5 weeks after that. His children had 'mixed' reactions, hers were delighted. They are still together 6 years later.

Your step dad can kick you out without notice, I think you need to have a frank conversation with them both ASAP. My heart goes out to you truly heartbreaking situation

good luck my dear, send it and look after yourself

Men are funny creatures, my colleague (male) nursed his wife through terminal brain cancer brutal. fast forward to 6 months later, remarried

Honestly, after all that trauma the last thing I would want is to get jiggy with a new man but hey, different strokes. I don't think men like being without a woman

and some too for Ladythraps

I can well imagine, and maybe you do need a complete break for quite some time (often going NC dramatically can be more painful, just have an extended sabbatical X)- have you got siblings?

Just another thought.

I do wonder if partners move on quicker than children simply because whilst you can have another relationship/marriage you can't ever have another parent.

Im not suggesting the relationship would be the same, but you can get companionship, affection etc from someone else.

You simply can't replicate that parent/child bond with another individual. Thus seeing the survivor moving on is actually a hugely painful reminder that the child is never going to be able to do this - the best expectation is that, in time, there will be an acceptance of the loss.

I don't have much to suggest about the relationship with your stepdad, OP, but I wanted to make sure you are aware of this organisation uk-sobs.org.uk/ and also this booklet here www.supportaftersuicide.org.uk/help-is-at-hand

And for you, you have been through an awful lot.

I think it's more difficult for some people to be on their own than others. My Mum didn't die but split from my Dad when I was 12. It was her that wanted to split up and they'd been together for 17 years and my Dad was absolutely devoted to her and devastated by the split.

He met my Step-Mum within six months and they're still together 20 plus years later. If anything happened to her I know my Dad would find someone else very quickly but it wouldn't mean he didn't love my Step-Mum, I just think he needs to be in a relationship.

And grief can be a strange thing. A friend of mine lost her husband a few years ago. They'd been together for 15 years and we're very much in love. Since he died she's become really promiscuous (she's in her late 40s btw) and is open about the fact she's had sex with over 500 men since her DH died. She says she forgets about her loss when she's having sex but if any of these men want a relationship with her she pushes them away because they're 'not Alan' (not her DHs real name). And she is definitely still angry with her DH that he died and left her. She's never got past the anger stage of grief.

You've had an awful few months OP. You're being really strong and brave

stopfuckingshoutingatme

Aww thanks for the mention and the virtual flowers. You are very kind. I nearly started my own thread on this very subject so will be following this one with a lot of interest. Although mine and the OP's sitautions and ages etc are very, very different, it is those hurtful feelings that we share about our fathers finding new partners so soon.

In answer to your question, I don't have any siblings. I think this is why I am finding it hard as I have no one else to share my pain and feelings about the new woman. I grew up an only child to parents who were married for almost 50 years. I feel like I've had my cosy little family set up smashed to smithereens. I also now feel I've lost both parents in a weird sort of way. Everything I knew a year ago has changed beyond recognition.

My dad just sees me as a barrier to his happiness. I'm a fly in the ointment getting in the way. If it weren't for me, his life would be rosey but I am the one spoiling it by being a misery guts re new woman. He wants us to be 'friends'. Well, I want my mum back! 'I want doesn't get' to coin a well used phrase for moaning children!

I agree with others that I think it does hurt more for a child when the realisation dawns that they will never get another mum / dad. I don't think my dad gets that part at all. He has found a replacement for my mum and now it's all holidays and eating ice creams on beaches. I've told him, like the OP, that I want him to be happy. I don't want him staring into the bottom of a whiskey glass every night. Him being happy with a new partner is certainly preferable to being lonely and drinking heavily. However, like the OP said, I just wish he'd be happy away from me! I don't want my nose rubbing in it!!

I have found writing my feelings down to be very cathartic. I have scribbled about ten angry pages in a letter to my dad about why I am so upset and angry. I have never sent the letters and never intended doing so. It was good just to get it all out!

Lady - another

It must be very difficult to reconcile the feeling of wanting your Dad to be happy, when the source of that happiness is a very physical reminder of what you have lost and can't possibly replace.

From what I have seen the widowed partner can feel a sense of entitlement to be happy after all they have been through and simply can't understand that they are doubling the grieving for the children by not being sensitive to the differing sense of loss.

Seeing a parents new partner in the same home, using the same furniture etc cannot possibly be a more vivid reminder that the person who should be there is now gone.

It's not about not wanting some to be happy, it's (as described to me and I paraphrase) about "the physically crippling pain of watching another woman take my mother's place in her home, using the cooking utensils she had carefully selected, sitting in her chair, breaking the coffee mug that was her favourite without her or my fathers understanding that anything was amiss and that my heart was breaking".

another not read all the replies but just a quick response as I went through similar. My DM died in Dec and by Father's Day my DF had a full time girl friend. My DP were married for 40 yrs and his new girlfriend was younger than my DSis. Similarly we found out by accident when my DSis Popped into his house (he was away for the weekend visiting me) and found this woman in his house wearing only a nightie . Anyway, as others have said I think men do grieve differently to women. It doesn't (or shouldn't) have any affect on your memories of your family and doesn't mean your SD didn't love your DM any less