To not make my son have a hair cut

[ThisUsernameIsAvailable]

He is 14 and has autism, ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder.
He hates people near him and can't stand being touched not even by me and we are pretty close.
His hairs a mess and I've usually bribed him to get his hair cut and taken a week to get him prepared for it, he does this weird thing where he completely shuts down while it's being done, like he's not there.
He does have terrible dandruff though because I'm struggling to get him to wash properly

Aibu to let him make his own decisions abut his hair since he is 14, my mum certainly thinks I am

The washing is more of an issue because people won't want to be around him if he starts to smell. He can have his hair as long as he wants if it's clean.

Can you stipulate that he can keep it long as long as it is washed/brushed/tied up?

I'd persuade him to have his hair cut for as long as he is receptive to the idea

Believe me, the time will come when you won't be able to influence him and will have his own ideas about whether he wants his hair shot, long or even no hair at all this comes from someone whose DSS stopped having his hair cut two years ago!

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Can you telk him he either needs to keep it short or wash it every other day? His choice but it's one or the other. Might help tackle the washing issue too.

Oh, it's hard isn't it?
I've told DD that she must wash and dry it regularly if she wishes to have it long. She has AS, and just hates shampoo (the smell, texture, everything. Compounded by the fact that almost all shampoos make her scalp itch because of psoriasis, poor thing).
She submits, because she knows I would cut it otherwise, but she's still only 10.
She stands in the shower growling "when I'm grown up, I'll never use shampoo ever again".
I'm hoping it will be such an ingrained habit by the time she's an adult that she'll just get on with it.

Would he find it less overwhelming using a jug in the bath, rather than a shower? I think the shower having so many bits of water hitting her at once is hardest to cope with. When she's v tired, it's done sitting in the bath, and as scant a rinse as I dare.

Does the dandruff make it uncomfortable for him? Personally I would try and tackle the grooming of it, of at all possible.

I would stick with bribing to get it cut until you can tackle that. Unless you think it's causing prolonged stress.

It's very difficult, to know what's the 'right' thing to do.

Yanbu, our eldest DS has ASD and when I met DP DS was 4 and had had one haircut (pinned down by hairdresser and grandparents without my knowledge, I hit the roof!!!) which traumatised him for a week. Since then, DP has taught himself to do hair and DS is happy to get a haircut now, but only ever at home from DP. If it stresses your son out that much I'd leave it, possibly tell him he can have it as long as he likes as long as he keeps it clean and tidy? It's a minefield, but ultimately you know your DS best.

I can strongly recommend lush shampoo bars for those who hate the texture. Easier to use with clumsy hands, too. The avocado co wash doesn't even foam up.

Ds1 hates having his hair cut and after a few years with a stylist he trusted, we're having to find him a new one who is sufficiently gentle and makes as little itchy mess as possible. I end up washing his hair for him, but at least he still agrees to it!

Thanks ouryve but mine hates smells, and I've found lush far too scented for her, though a bar sounds ideal.

Bintang, look into a range called Simple. Comes in white and green packaging. Its for sensitive skin and no scent at all.

You have my sympathy. My son is 4 with learning difficulties and asd and getting anywhere near his hair results in screams that are akin to someone murdering him. Just awful. The only way we can do it is at home, with clippers, with us basically pinning him down. Absolutely horrendous but once it's done it doesn't need doing again for another 6 months (we've tried everything and doing it more regularly doesn't make it any easier either). I'm sure the neighbours think we are dreadful it's very stressful for all of us and I feel so bad afterwards but otherwise it looks an absolute state and gets very messy and yucky (like your son he also hates washing although I do make him have a bath most days). I would have no hope of getting him anywhere near a hairdresser.

Have you tried clippers? Maybe he could even do it himself to give him some control over it? I agree with the others though- the not washing is the bigger problem, long hair doesn't really matter.

You could go no-poo. The mixture isn't scented as you make it yourself, the texture is just liquid as there are no thickeners, and there isn't and lather either. Worth a bash. There's lots of info about if you want to give it a try.

Could he manage clippers and keep it very short himself?