To say no to another DC until he marries me?

[mommathatwearspink]

Me and DP have been together for 9 years and we have one DD. We are very happy together and I feel very blessed! We would both like a second DC within the next year so so but to be honest I feel a little upset that DP expects me to give another DC his surname when he hasn't even hinted at a proposal anytime soon. When we talk about it, he just says that we can't afford it (we could if we saved) and that we have done it differently to other people. AIBU?

[WorraLiberty]

madgingermunchkin the ultimatum is in the thread title.

OP, if you both really want children then I wouldn't use not having another baby until he marries you as a threat.

1. What if he still refuses and you don't end up having the second child you want with him?
   

1. What if he says yes and you then feel as though you've twisted his arm?
   

If you're going to marry, it has to be something you both want to do.

I think you need to sit down and talk this out. Make it clear that it doesn't have to cost much and that if you can afford a baby, his refusal to marry is nothing to do with money.

Good luck

[Lilacpink40]

Perhaps he envisaged asking you to marry him in 10 years time when your DCs could join in and you'd be financially better off?

If he knew that you having the same surname as your DCs was that important he may change his mind, maybe reg office now and larger blessing later.

Have you thought about changing your surname through deed poll?

[NegativeIron]

Kiwi is so right. Please don't have another unless you have the protections in place, just read the relationship boards where people haven't done this. It's heart breaking.

If you want yo, you can have a cheap event and save up for a swanky one later.

Please please protect yourself and your existing dc.

[Thomasisintraining]

Please don't have another unless you have the protections in place, just read the relationship boards where people haven't done this. It's heart breaking

^this

And don't just change your name by deed poll. A baby is a huge commitment and 2 babies is more than twice that commitment. If he can commit to 2 babies then he can commit to a marriage.

[MrsAmaretto]

Does he realise a marriage & wedding are two different things? Perhaps suggest a marriage without the wedding party expense? Far cheaper than getting the rest of the legal agreements a previous poster mentioned.

[Icallbullshit3]

It's costing Dh and I £120 to get married. £35 each for the notice of intention to marry and £50 for the actual marriage licence

[ArcheryAnnie]

Have another DC if you want one, and give it your name this time.

If you are not married, make sure he's got a will and that you and the DC are in it.

[DeathStare]

OP since you didn't return to the thread - despite a number of really quick replies - I have a question for you.

A number of people replied (as I was going to but they got in first) assuming that it was the legal marriage that you wanted and that you didn't give two hoots about guests, a dress, etc - that as long as you had the legal protection then getting married in jeans in your lunch hour was fine.

But the lack of reply, and this in your original post he just says that we can't afford it (we could if we saved) makes me wonder.... do you want a wedding? (As well as the marriage, I'm not implying a wedding is all you are after)

There's nothing wrong with wanting a wedding if you do, but it does put a different spin on the issue.

[Blu]

Is there any property involved? If you are buying or living in a mortgaged house together are you a joint owner? Do you have your own income? Do not be a non-married SAHM if the house is in his name. That is the really vulnerable position, with one child or two,

You can have any name you want with or without marriage. Your children can have any name, with or without marriage.

All these issues can be sorted out, but what really matters is how you both feel, deep down. Why does he resist, what makes marriage so important to you, and is it important to him that you feel happy and secure.

If you yourself own the house, paid out of your salary or left to you by a family member, for example, and earn more money than him, and he seems less than committed, getting married is the last thing you should consider,

[Eminybob]

This is almost the exact situation I was in.
We had a mortgage, a DC, to be fair I did have a ring, but DH keep putting off the actual wedding. A load of excuses, money, family making it difficult (both our sets of parents are divorced and remarried and it would have been a nightmare having them all in the same room)

When we started talking about baby number 2, I gave him an ultimatum and basically said I wouldn't until we are married.

So we did. Registry office in secret, just us, DS and 2 witnesses, followed by pub lunch. Everything, including my dress (I did manage to wear an actual wedding dress, although it was a short one) came in at less than £500. And no bother with family.

We told them after we came back from honeymoon (which was actually a holiday booked long before we even decided to book the wedding, and planned the wedding date around it)

Just do it. It's also an exciting and fun story to tell the grandkids, and if your DP likes dining things differently from other people then I may appeal to him.

[DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain]

Eminybob - what you did sounds lovely! You should do this OP ( assuming DP is up for marriage but genuinely worrying about costs). YANBU BYW.