Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to another DC until he marries me?

62 replies

mommathatwearspink · 26/07/2016 22:07

Me and DP have been together for 9 years and we have one DD. We are very happy together and I feel very blessed! We would both like a second DC within the next year so so but to be honest I feel a little upset that DP expects me to give another DC his surname when he hasn't even hinted at a proposal anytime soon. When we talk about it, he just says that we can't afford it (we could if we saved) and that we have done it differently to other people. AIBU?

OP posts:
gingerbreadmanm · 26/07/2016 22:45

stick to your guns. im in the same boat so completely understand.

fakenamefornow · 26/07/2016 22:46

BTW If you need a 'stranger off the street' witness, I'd really love to do it.😁

Kiwiinkits · 26/07/2016 22:49

YADNBU

EverySongbirdSays · 26/07/2016 22:50

What do you expect to "change" as a result of marriage when you've been living as good as for some time.

A ring on your finger won't change whatever pre-existing problems you have.

That he doesn't want to suggests he won't fully commit, and so has a foot constantly out the door.

I'd be less worried about the ring on my finger and more worried that I should maybe be shoving his other foot out.

StrangeLookingParasite · 26/07/2016 22:51

He can't afford to marry you, but he can afford another child

Yeah that.

Kiwiinkits · 26/07/2016 22:52

Getting married is sooooo much cheaper than getting a lawyer to draft up all the wills, property relationship agreements, power of attorney agreements and asset management agreements that you'll otherwise need to ensure that you are protected if he dies, becomes ill or incapacited or decides to leave you.

Kiwiinkits · 26/07/2016 22:54

You'd be utterly foolish to not insist on some basic legal protection if he flat out refuses to get married. So start saving for lawyers (or be prepared to leave).

AcrossthePond55 · 26/07/2016 23:02

Tell him that he has done it differently than others and you've gone along so far but that you want to be married. Then ask him if he sees marriage at all in his plans. If he says yes, then tell him now at the registry office. If he says no then you'll have a decision to make.

I hope you are financially secure on your own. I have a feeling you won't like his answer.

careeristbitchnigel · 26/07/2016 23:02

yanbu

He clearly sees no incentive to getting married (as he already has all the "perks") and doesn't see it as worth the investment. I wonder what other things he is happy to spend the money on.. plenty of things I suspect.

I'm afraid I have no suggestions of what to do as I refused to even live with DH until we got married.

fakenamefornow · 26/07/2016 23:02

Oh the sexist assumptions going on on this thread! The op might earn loads more than her partner and own the house they live in.

MsJudgemental · 26/07/2016 23:04

A wedding is not about putting on a big show for people. It is the two of you showing your commitment in front of friends and family. We planned ours in 6 weeks- registry office, dress bought from Oxfam for a tenner, dyed pale gold and bodice beaded by myself, husband's outfit hired, one bouquet, one table arrangement and a few buttonholes, boat trip for guests (most expensive bit but not exactly essential) with catering by ourselves and close family, meal in restaurant just for family and close friends, everyone invited to our's for the evening, again catered by ourselves. If he says he can't afford to get married then he certainly can't afford another child......

JacquettaWoodville · 26/07/2016 23:05

YANBU.

Italiangreyhound · 26/07/2016 23:05

Does he want the same things as you. He needs to reflect on what is holding him back. I know of a man who had a real commitment phobia, he wait and waited to get married. By the time he was ready to do so, his fiance's father had died and so the wedding happened without one special person there. The ironic thing was they already had kids and a mortgage, they were totally committed. He just had a fear of the actual making that 'commitment'. Another man I knew was so terrified of making a speech his plans to marry fell through!

Find out what is really bothering him. You are already united by a child!

He needs to step up, if you were not worried it would be fine. But it does matter to you and he clearly is ignoring that.

careeristbitchnigel · 26/07/2016 23:06

how does he think he has "done it differently to other people" btw ? Legions of people have children without being married. It's hardly some statement of alternative living

SoupDragon · 26/07/2016 23:12

I find it amusing that, in these days of women demanding (quite rightly) equality in all things, there are still women who expect the man to propose to her rather than her asking him.

Mycraneisfixed · 26/07/2016 23:14

Propose to him. Get a straight 'yes' or 'no'.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 26/07/2016 23:17

Bit late to play that card when you already have a child.

Do you really want to force him into marriage? Children are not bargaining tools.

Ask him yourself, if he says no then you can decide your future.

WhatTheActualFugg · 26/07/2016 23:17

You've already set the precedent though haven't you? You're not married, you presumably don't share his name and if I've understood right, your DC has his name only, not yours?

It always baffles me why women do this. Was your name not worthy of your child?

Anyway, that aside, like everyone else says, getting married isn't expensive.

Does your DP know how you feel?

e1y1 · 26/07/2016 23:21

Understand your feelings, and you absolutely do not need to give the DC his surname. But you wouldn't want to blackmail him into marriage, especially considering you have already had one child.

By all means, you don't even have to have another DC, but to me, saying you will only have more children if you get married seems off - this is not the reason people get married.

Besides saying he can't afford it, (which is a shit excuse), has he ever given an indication that he wants to get married (say if money were no object).

Thomasisintraining · 26/07/2016 23:25

legal differences between living together and marriage

Children are not bargaining tools

Actually when it comes to legal protection for women they probably should be - no wedding, no child.

madgingermunchkin · 26/07/2016 23:30

By all means, you don't even have to have another DC, but to me, saying you will only have more children if you get married seems off

But she isn't giving him that ultimatum. All she doing is pointing out to him that the first DC had his name on the understanding that they would be getting married, and as that doesn't seem to be happening, then any subsequent child will be having hers. Then, he knows where he stands and any choice is his. Which is a more informed choice than the one he gave her by making noises about marriage before and now changing his mind.

SilverGiraffe7 · 26/07/2016 23:31

"Of course, darling. I'd love another child with you. Oh, by the way - I'm thinking this one should have my surname. Up to you what that surname is..." Halo

confuugled1 · 26/07/2016 23:33

I agree with what others have said about getting married not being expensive compared with the cost of having a child and so on.

Just wondering what he would say if you said that if you went ahead and had another child, it would have your surname. Would he still want the child? Would he get married in order to change your surname so that the child would then have both your names? Not going down the route here of you getting married and keeping your surname and still giving it to the new child - but it's also an option to consider Or would he just expect that the child would be his and thus have his name regardless and throw a hissy fit if you dared to suggest anything else?

Might be a different way to approach talking to your dh about it - not least because of the legal protection that your dc would have if anything happened to him. At the moment, fingers crossed nothing happens but should the worst come about, you would inherit nothing (assuming he hasn't made a will). Hopefully the dc would get something - but you might find that it gets tied up in trust for them until they're older leaving you to struggle to bring them up in the mean time...

e1y1 · 26/07/2016 23:34

All she doing is pointing out to him that the first DC had his name on the understanding that they would be getting married,

But I cant see in the OP where that understanding came from.

Just5minswithDacre · 26/07/2016 23:36

Have you discussed marriage beyond 'I'd quite like to' 'we can't afford it'?

Swipe left for the next trending thread