To say no to another DC until he marries me?

[mommathatwearspink]

Me and DP have been together for 9 years and we have one DD. We are very happy together and I feel very blessed! We would both like a second DC within the next year so so but to be honest I feel a little upset that DP expects me to give another DC his surname when he hasn't even hinted at a proposal anytime soon. When we talk about it, he just says that we can't afford it (we could if we saved) and that we have done it differently to other people. AIBU?

[DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain]

Eminybob - what you did sounds lovely! You should do this OP ( assuming DP is up for marriage but genuinely worrying about costs). YANBU BYW.

[Eminybob]

This is almost the exact situation I was in.
We had a mortgage, a DC, to be fair I did have a ring, but DH keep putting off the actual wedding. A load of excuses, money, family making it difficult (both our sets of parents are divorced and remarried and it would have been a nightmare having them all in the same room)

When we started talking about baby number 2, I gave him an ultimatum and basically said I wouldn't until we are married.

So we did. Registry office in secret, just us, DS and 2 witnesses, followed by pub lunch. Everything, including my dress (I did manage to wear an actual wedding dress, although it was a short one) came in at less than £500. And no bother with family.

We told them after we came back from honeymoon (which was actually a holiday booked long before we even decided to book the wedding, and planned the wedding date around it)

Just do it. It's also an exciting and fun story to tell the grandkids, and if your DP likes dining things differently from other people then I may appeal to him.

[Blu]

Is there any property involved? If you are buying or living in a mortgaged house together are you a joint owner? Do you have your own income? Do not be a non-married SAHM if the house is in his name. That is the really vulnerable position, with one child or two,

You can have any name you want with or without marriage. Your children can have any name, with or without marriage.

All these issues can be sorted out, but what really matters is how you both feel, deep down. Why does he resist, what makes marriage so important to you, and is it important to him that you feel happy and secure.

If you yourself own the house, paid out of your salary or left to you by a family member, for example, and earn more money than him, and he seems less than committed, getting married is the last thing you should consider,

[DeathStare]

OP since you didn't return to the thread - despite a number of really quick replies - I have a question for you.

A number of people replied (as I was going to but they got in first) assuming that it was the legal marriage that you wanted and that you didn't give two hoots about guests, a dress, etc - that as long as you had the legal protection then getting married in jeans in your lunch hour was fine.

But the lack of reply, and this in your original post he just says that we can't afford it (we could if we saved) makes me wonder.... do you want a wedding? (As well as the marriage, I'm not implying a wedding is all you are after)

There's nothing wrong with wanting a wedding if you do, but it does put a different spin on the issue.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Have another DC if you want one, and give it your name this time.

If you are not married, make sure he's got a will and that you and the DC are in it.

[Icallbullshit3]

It's costing Dh and I £120 to get married. £35 each for the notice of intention to marry and £50 for the actual marriage licence

[MrsAmaretto]

Does he realise a marriage & wedding are two different things? Perhaps suggest a marriage without the wedding party expense? Far cheaper than getting the rest of the legal agreements a previous poster mentioned.

[Thomasisintraining]

Please don't have another unless you have the protections in place, just read the relationship boards where people haven't done this. It's heart breaking

^this

And don't just change your name by deed poll. A baby is a huge commitment and 2 babies is more than twice that commitment. If he can commit to 2 babies then he can commit to a marriage.

[NegativeIron]

Kiwi is so right. Please don't have another unless you have the protections in place, just read the relationship boards where people haven't done this. It's heart breaking.

If you want yo, you can have a cheap event and save up for a swanky one later.

Please please protect yourself and your existing dc.

[Lilacpink40]

Perhaps he envisaged asking you to marry him in 10 years time when your DCs could join in and you'd be financially better off?

If he knew that you having the same surname as your DCs was that important he may change his mind, maybe reg office now and larger blessing later.

Have you thought about changing your surname through deed poll?

[WorraLiberty]

madgingermunchkin the ultimatum is in the thread title.

OP, if you both really want children then I wouldn't use not having another baby until he marries you as a threat.

1. What if he still refuses and you don't end up having the second child you want with him?
   

1. What if he says yes and you then feel as though you've twisted his arm?
   

If you're going to marry, it has to be something you both want to do.

I think you need to sit down and talk this out. Make it clear that it doesn't have to cost much and that if you can afford a baby, his refusal to marry is nothing to do with money.

Good luck

[Just5minswithDacre]

Have you discussed marriage beyond 'I'd quite like to' 'we can't afford it'?

[e1y1]

All she doing is pointing out to him that the first DC had his name on the understanding that they would be getting married,

But I cant see in the OP where that understanding came from.

[confuugled1]

I agree with what others have said about getting married not being expensive compared with the cost of having a child and so on.

Just wondering what he would say if you said that if you went ahead and had another child, it would have your surname. Would he still want the child? Would he get married in order to change your surname so that the child would then have both your names? Not going down the route here of you getting married and keeping your surname and still giving it to the new child - but it's also an option to consider Or would he just expect that the child would be his and thus have his name regardless and throw a hissy fit if you dared to suggest anything else?

Might be a different way to approach talking to your dh about it - not least because of the legal protection that your dc would have if anything happened to him. At the moment, fingers crossed nothing happens but should the worst come about, you would inherit nothing (assuming he hasn't made a will). Hopefully the dc would get something - but you might find that it gets tied up in trust for them until they're older leaving you to struggle to bring them up in the mean time...

[SilverGiraffe7]

"Of course, darling. I'd love another child with you. Oh, by the way - I'm thinking this one should have my surname. Up to you what that surname is..."

[madgingermunchkin]

By all means, you don't even have to have another DC, but to me, saying you will only have more children if you get married seems off

But she isn't giving him that ultimatum. All she doing is pointing out to him that the first DC had his name on the understanding that they would be getting married, and as that doesn't seem to be happening, then any subsequent child will be having hers. Then, he knows where he stands and any choice is his. Which is a more informed choice than the one he gave her by making noises about marriage before and now changing his mind.

[Thomasisintraining]

legal differences between living together and marriage

Children are not bargaining tools

Actually when it comes to legal protection for women they probably should be - no wedding, no child.

[e1y1]

Understand your feelings, and you absolutely do not need to give the DC his surname. But you wouldn't want to blackmail him into marriage, especially considering you have already had one child.

By all means, you don't even have to have another DC, but to me, saying you will only have more children if you get married seems off - this is not the reason people get married.

Besides saying he can't afford it, (which is a shit excuse), has he ever given an indication that he wants to get married (say if money were no object).

[WhatTheActualFugg]

You've already set the precedent though haven't you? You're not married, you presumably don't share his name and if I've understood right, your DC has his name only, not yours?

It always baffles me why women do this. Was your name not worthy of your child?

Anyway, that aside, like everyone else says, getting married isn't expensive.

Does your DP know how you feel?

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

Bit late to play that card when you already have a child.

Do you really want to force him into marriage? Children are not bargaining tools.

Ask him yourself, if he says no then you can decide your future.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Propose to him. Get a straight 'yes' or 'no'.

[SoupDragon]

I find it amusing that, in these days of women demanding (quite rightly) equality in all things, there are still women who expect the man to propose to her rather than her asking him.

[careeristbitchnigel]

how does he think he has "done it differently to other people" btw ? Legions of people have children without being married. It's hardly some statement of alternative living

[Italiangreyhound]

Does he want the same things as you. He needs to reflect on what is holding him back. I know of a man who had a real commitment phobia, he wait and waited to get married. By the time he was ready to do so, his fiance's father had died and so the wedding happened without one special person there. The ironic thing was they already had kids and a mortgage, they were totally committed. He just had a fear of the actual making that 'commitment'. Another man I knew was so terrified of making a speech his plans to marry fell through!

Find out what is really bothering him. You are already united by a child!

He needs to step up, if you were not worried it would be fine. But it does matter to you and he clearly is ignoring that.