Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

[Lunar1]

Thank you for getting my point bitchyrestingface. Love your username!!

[EttaJ]

OP you sound like a nightmare mother. Harsh and critical. Also you say on DS side like you are a rival rather than his MOTHER. I'm actually thinking this is not real because surely no grown up woman could be so utterly petty and spiteful about her own child . Thank goodness his father is on "his side" he wouldn't fare well without him by the sound of it.

[Udderz]

My 12 year old is amazing and has a good level of self confidence and a fast sense of humour though.

[PartiallyStars]

I am pleased about this thread because it has made me realise that I am tending towards the "which one did you get wrong/ how many other people got an A" myself with DS1 and I need to sort it out. I know it's wrong and I hadn't noticed it creeping in until I read this.

[PartiallyStars]

Actually pleased is the wrong word. I meant people's posts have helped me.

[Delenn5]

My mum is like you, and like you, she means well.

Everything I ever made or did came with "notes". You know the bit in American Beauty after the cheerleaders finish their routine?
"I watched you VERY carefully and you didn't mess up ONCE!" that's her.

There's feedback and there is teaching a child that nothing is ever good enough. The subtext I got from her was if you're not a natural at something, give up immediately.

Here's a bit of constructive feedback you didn't ask for:
Next time, say "hey son, this must have taken you AGES! What's your favourite bit about it? Ooh, I see what you mean! Is there anything you'd want to improve on in the next model? Wow, how will you do that?"

[Fuzzywuzzywasabear]

You sound horrible.

If the connections broke because they were pulled loose because the wires were exposed you could have asked how he thought he could solve the problem next time.
This would have taught him more than you telling him it's crap because the wires are exposed.

The poor boy made something and you shit all over it.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

partially me too. I have to catch myself sometimes and I'm very aware of doing it. I was brought up in a critical way. My GCSEs were ok, they could have been better if I had been pushed and actually tried but they were all C and above. When I explained to my grandad, I got told "yes but it's the bottom of the high grades" when wanting to do A levels "you won't stick at that" when I left university (because I was panicking about debt, whether I was doing the right course etc etc) told "I'm not suprised, you have never shown any interest in that subject (one I'm still very interested in to this day and hugely regret leaving, if I had been told "no, you have to stick with it" I would have done, that's all it would have taken).

Sometimes I ask what others got when DS tells me something (more because I'm trying to understand his mark) but I know I need to stop. It doesn't matter.

[mellowfartfulness]

First of all, I've worked in demanding environments and been highly praised for work that definitely wasn't 100% perfect. Your perception of the big bad world out there is incorrect.

Second, home is not and should not be like work. Hobbies are not and should not be like work. Save the criticism for when it matters.

Third, you don't motivate someone to improve by criticising them just when they're feeling chuffed with themselves. My dad, while well meaning, is the king of this. First time I picked up a pair of knitting needles as a kid, I brought down a slightly ragged looking knitted square, pleased that I'd made it work - dad goes "Are you actually proud of that?" Felt like an idiot, didn't knit again until I was 26. Auditioned for a school play and they decided to use everyone who auditioned - went home excited, Dad pointed out that if they used everyone then it doesn't really count as an achievement on my part. I still remember how deflated I felt. That sort of thing doesn't spur most people on to do better next time. It makes them feel stupid for ever thinking they could do a good job. It makes them shy away from trying again.

Your son was trying to do well in your eyes by getting the wires the way you thought they should be. As a result his toy is spoilt and he's gutted. OK, it's irritating of him to harp on as if you'd stood over him ordering him to move the wires. But he's a disappointed child. Show him some sympathy, say you're sorry you made him feel the toy needed more work, and tell him you think he did a good job on it in the first place. If he's still grouchy after that then you can start feeling sorry for yourself.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Your son is lucky he has an understanding and loving dad: and a loving mum who is learning from her mistake!

[Sellingyesterdaysnews]

Oh dear I think you made a mistake here.
There was no need at all to say the wires should be inside..and it is your fault he then tried to fix it and it broke. He made it and is probably really upset. Don't interfere in this sort of thing it's not as if it's schoolwork.

[Butteredparsnips]

You Parented your DS by comparing his efforts to a friends and telling him how to improve it,

A better Parent would have praised the efforts genuinely and asked DS what he thought he had done well and what he enjoyed about making it. Possibly following up with a question about what he might try differently if he made another one. So that he and not you comes up with the suggestion to improve it. It might be the same solution, but the better parent has enabled the Son's learning.

[DonnaHaywood]

OP you are getting such harsh responses in here. Try not to take them to heart. It was an off the hand comment meant kindly. Your DS will get over it, and I hope you can ignore the AIBU pile-on here.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Why can't you just be pleased your son achieved something and say well done? He made something in a club. He's not at school, or trying out for a professional team. He's doing craft for fun during the school holidays. Why the need to shit on his toy and basically tell him how rubbish it was because of x?

You mention preparing him for work. Well, I just started a new job in a new field a couple of months ago, and luckily, my manager gives praise regardless of whether what you did was perfect or not. Because, you know, hearing you did a good job is encouraging and makes you want to do even better next time.

He would be a pretty shit manager if I made a mistake and he just said "well, why didn't you do it like x did, it would be so much better".

[Memoires]

I think that as a 12 year old he deserves your trust that he will be able to see the difference between his messy work and his mate's neat work.

Sometimes you have to step back and allow them to work these things out for themselves. Do you not believe that he was capable of seeing that his wires stuck out and the other boy's didn't? Wouldn't his teacher have said something?

If he had been making it in front of you, then by all means suggest that he puts the wires inside as it's a) safer, b) neater and c) less likely to break by wires catching on things; to point out the problem when it's too late to do anything about it is a bit mean.

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds is fine actually, he is already thinking of other projects he could do. I get it about praise etc Some posts on here I find contradicting. HP magic wand - you say the grades don't matter but you regret not completing a Uni course, don't you think your ds will regret not getting into Uni if his grades are not good enough if you don't push him? And the mum who said someone else's singing was better than her dd.. I don't see how this can be offensive. You either can or can't sing. Maybe she didn't want you to embarrass yourself next time.

[skatesection]

The point isn't that children shouldn't be encouraged to improve, the point is the way you are pushing your child is counter productive and demoralising.

Have a look at Mindset by Carol Dweck.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

FindingNemo, I also find your posts contradictory. In the OP you made it clear that your comment to him was about aesthetics. The other boy's looked neater. Then suddenly ('on second thoughts', I believe you said) it's about health and safety. How convenient.

Secondly you have been going on about how you didn't actually tell him to push the wires in, ie you're making him take the blame. Again in the OP you said 'I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside'. I don't blame your DS one iota for taking that as you telling him to put them inside.

Look hard at yourself OP, and stop trying to justify what can't be justified.

[mellowfartfulness]

you say the grades don't matter but you regret not completing a Uni course, don't you think your ds will regret not getting into Uni if his grades are not good enough if you don't push him?

That's not the point, though. The point is she actually achieved perfectly decent GCSE results that got her on to the A level courses and degree she wanted to do - but her grandad couldn't simply be pleased for her that she'd achieved that, he had to point out that it wasn't the highest possible achievement a 16 year old can make. As if she couldn't see the difference between an A and a C herself. That's not supportive pushing, it's not constructive or helpful, it's just criticism for criticism's sake. Nitpicking. That doesn't spur people on, it erodes confidence.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

FindingNemoAgain, the more you post, the more you sound like my parents. I don't talk to them anymore, I don't need that level of negativity in my life. I feel sorry for you, it can't be nice not being happy about the little things in life, even if they aren't quite perfect. What you did to your son was thoughtless at best, cruel at worst. You have no reason to be upset.

[Only1scoop]

The Devil exactly

[Mycraneisfixed]

OP do you have Aspergers?

[mellowfartfulness]

Basically, a kid who's set out to do something and succeeded should be pleased with themselves even if it's a bit of a beginner's effort. That pleasure in their own work is what pushes them to do it again. And they'll do it better the second time because that's how learning works. They figure out improvements on their own, seeking input when they want it. And the learning sticks because they worked it all through themselves. Offering unasked-for advice might sometimes be necessary where there's an external consequence for cocking up, like with coursework and exams. When it's just for fun, it simply isn't necessary or helpful.

[mellicauli]

So, you criticised your son's toy. Then your son criticised you for breaking it. Then your husband criticised you for being too critical because it upset your son . And this criticism, in turn, upset you.

What about you all just agree to stop criticising each other?

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Wow, you're horrible.

Nothing constructive to say because you'll just ignore it