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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

282 replies

FindingNemoAgain · 26/07/2016 21:07

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

OP posts:
Thomasisintraining · 26/07/2016 21:58

I have stopped believing in this thread

Simply cannot think why Grin

GerdaLovesLili · 26/07/2016 21:59

You sound just like my mother. I put up with it for years. All through my childhood, and she was still telling me how much better I could be if I just did it like [random person she approved of] until recently.

The only reason she doesn't still do it it is because I won't interact with her any more.

YABU

OnionKnight · 26/07/2016 22:00
Hmm
memyselfandaye · 26/07/2016 22:00

You pissed on his chips when there was no need to, he made an electronic toy that worked, I think that's bloody brilliant.

He did something good but you thought some other kid's was better, he's obviously feeling deflated, and with good reason.

He deserves an apology, and you should get your screwdrivers out and fix it for him.

Only1scoop · 26/07/2016 22:01

'You should get your screwdrivers out and fix it for him'

Grin
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2016 22:03

Even if the thread is fake, the conversation is interesting.

It took me a while to get onto positive parenting. I had a shining moment this morning...

DD spills a fucking massive cup of ice and water onto the table and floor because she overfilled it and was careless. I turn around, she looks horrified. "OK, how can we fix this?". "I'll clean it up mummy". "Great!". No punishment, she felt good, I felt good, no water on my floor. She'll still be a little more careful because it's a pain to clean up but that's her learning, not my teaching. Ta dah!

Lunar1 · 26/07/2016 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SaggyNaggy · 26/07/2016 22:09

Just think op your son could have been the next Electronics engineer whizz, invented something that changed our world, but instead of being supportive you decided to teach him that life is hard....

Imagine if all parents did that?
"Well done Serena, not quite as good as Venus though are you?"
"That was a pretty song Adele but it wasn't quite as good as Aretha Franklin"
"Sorry James but it just does t suck as good as my Vax"
"Minus 4 Tiger? Not quite as good as minus 8 is it?"

KateInKorea · 26/07/2016 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alicemalice · 26/07/2016 22:10

'You made your son feel worthless and are a bit of a failure as a mother.'

Bloody hell. What's going on on MN tonight?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/07/2016 22:10

I like to think the radio silence from FindingNemoAgain means she is now knee deep in wires and screwdrivers and/or sucking up to her son. Smile

KateInKorea · 26/07/2016 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/07/2016 22:13

Bloody hell. What's going on on MN tonight?

PP was employing dramatic irony to prove a point.

You couldn't have worked that out from the rest of her post??

pointythings · 26/07/2016 22:13

Research suggests that the way to get the best out of your children is to praise effort not results. So you have failed quite amazingly right there.

And to compare a 12-year-old's holiday efforts to 'the workplace' suggests that you need to do something about your parenting mindset - like introducing some warmth and kindness, for starters.

Bloody hell, some people...

KateInKorea · 26/07/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1468138738 · 26/07/2016 22:21

You really could have handled this so much better, I know lots of parents who wouldn't have made a complete hash of this. They would have been positive while asking questions about the project that would have led to the development of their child and the improvement of their work.

You parenting isn't too bad, but everyone on this thread could have done it better.

PansOnFire · 26/07/2016 22:21

But in the real world you have to have some self belief about being able to do some things well. Your reaction told him that he didn't do this well at all and that someone else did.

If you think that this is the best way to prepare him for the real world then continue. If not, then think about how you could have handled it differently. You could have very easily have him acknowledge that that wires needed pushing in without telling him that his friend's toy looked better.

You can't seriously believe that you were 'betrayed'? The only person betrayed here is your son by you; you are supposed to be in his corner and whatever your justification you definitely were not.

DotForShort · 26/07/2016 22:25

user1468138738 Grin

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/07/2016 22:29

Me on A Level results day, collecting my results: Oh my God, I got my Cambridge place; I got 2 As and a B.
My dad: Oh, when I saw your face and how happy you were, I thought you had got 3 As.

Still one of the most vivid memories of my life nearly thirty years later. Just saying, OP. Sometimes you can just be pleased with what your child has achieved rather than pointing out in what ways they fall short of your expectations.

HuhaLoop · 26/07/2016 22:30

MrsTP your conversations sound brilliant!

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2016 22:32

MrsTP your conversations sound brilliant! Recently, and that's after two rounds of parenting classes. Otherwise I'd be my mother, "I'm hurt about that" or my father, "you got a B, why not an A?" "you got an A, how many people got an A?" Happy times.

hownottofuckup · 26/07/2016 22:34

Sounds like you object quite strongly to your DH doing to you, what you did to your DS.

Tartsamazeballs · 26/07/2016 22:35

Sort of imagining OP as this...

Udderz · 26/07/2016 22:36

I'm on the fence actually. I have a very loving supportive relationship with my DS also 12. I could easily say something about straggly wires and it would be taken in a positive how to develop things way as he knows i'm his biggest fan. Blaming someone else is very young behaviour and means he doesn't have to take responsibility for accidentally breaking his own toy. I can undertand him feeling upset about it but it was his choice to make the changes. I probably would have said something like 'that must be very upsetting, I can see that you were trying to put the wires inside. We can help you and take a look at it after tea'. Your husband shouldn't have said a word. The other element is that this took place while eating a meal you had possibly spent time preparing and you probably felt attacked instead of thanked

Thomasisintraining · 26/07/2016 22:39

Well done Serena, not quite as good as Venus though are you

I think that probably is why Serena is so good now though because she was never as good growing up so maybe the OP has it right.