Aibu - dh siding with ds leaving me upset

[FindingNemoAgain]

Ds (12) made an electronic toy at a club. His had wires sticking out whereas I noticed one of his friends looked neater. I commented on it and said it could do with wires being inside (from a purely aesthetic point (I did also say it looked very cool). He then got home and tried to push the wires in which apparently he now says made it have an intermittent fault with it. It is of course all my fault and I MADE him do it. At dinner he was upset constantly repeating it was me who told him to do it. I was trying to say I didn't make him do anything. DH comes home and hears out conversation and instantly gets on ds side saying to me I was stupid to ask him to do it because it broke a connection... I am still trying to explain I didn't tell him anything, I only mentioned that the other boy's toy looked neater. DH then says I was being critical of ds toy. This is all happening at dinner in front of ds and our other child. Aibu to feel betrayed and upset about DH siding with ds? Even when he saw I was getting quite upset he carried on and it almost felt he was happy I was being blamed for it...

[FindingNemoAgain]

The thing is, in life & professional environment no one is going to praise work that's not 100%. It's tough out there!! How do you suggest we prepare our children to 'face the world'?!

[user7755]

Oh yes,
'I got 98% on that test'
'Why didn't you get 100%?'

Have you ever watched friends? Monica's mother? That's my mum - it's a standing joke now. Perhaps you can learn from this OP?

[fastdaytears]

This was not his homework. This was for fun and he worked hard. He could have been sat around playing Xbox but he built something. YABVU. I'm pleased for your DS that he has your DH.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Sorry YABVU and you really still don't seem to get it. Go ahead and continue criticising his work. See how much 'good' it does him.

Just tell him what he has done is good fgs. Why does it even need to be compared to someone else's who is clearly better, you will only succeed in making him feel crap and inadequate which is why he tried to amend it after your criticism.

[RepentAtLeisure]

Op, you were unreasonable. Are we all wrong too, along with your DS and DH?

You said yourself the toy was already sealed. You criticized it because you preferred someone else's, he tried to please you and his toy broke. Of course he was upset.

Get on the internet and see if you can figure out how to fix it, or see if you can learn how to help him make another.

[user7755]

Funny cross post! You are my mum!

You make your kids resilient and build their confidence and self appraisal. You don't point out their mistakes and compare them negatively to their friends - it's not rocket science!

[fastdaytears]

And I work in a pretty mental professional environment but I definitely praise people for less than 100%!

[WindyTriller]

OP you originally said you told DS his friend's was neater. It's seems like only now, when responses haven't been on your side, that you are changing your wording slightly to say you told him it would be safer with the wires inside.

Comparing your children with their friends (in however minor a way) only serves to make them question themselves and their self worth in the long run. My mum used to do this with me and my best friend as children.

She still does it now...

Made all my own wedding stationery "it's nice but why does it have to be so fancy"

On announcing my pregnancy remember "It's wonderful news you are pregnant but why does it have to be a boy, it would be much better if you were having a girl" gee thanks! Never mind it's your first and only grandchild.

It's a slippery slope OP be careful!

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Ok OP. We're all wrong (including your ds and dh) and you're right.

Your way is clearly working for you and your family so why change it?

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

The thing is, in life & professional environment no one is going to praise work that's not 100%. It's tough out there!! How do you suggest we prepare our children to 'face the world'?!

You pick your battles. Today shouldn't have been one of them.

Poor lad. But at least he has one parent who appears to understand.

[EverySongbirdSays]

This sounds like something my Dad would've done.

We've been NC for over a decade.

[RepentAtLeisure]

The thing is, in life & professional environment no one is going to praise work that's not 100%. It's tough out there!! How do you suggest we prepare our children to 'face the world'?!

He wasn't at work or at school. And yes, it can be a tough world out there which is why some of us try to build our children's self esteem up while we can. There are times for constructive criticism - like when things can still be changed, and times when you congratulate your child on making something that works. Perhaps his toy was better than his friends in some capacity? Aesthetics aren't everything.

[plominoagain]

So it's ok to upset your DS's feelings with your "constructive" comments , but not ok to bruise yours ?

You're his mother . Not his teacher , or his boss . And it's not what you say, it's how you say it . You didn't have to compare it to another child's , but you did , making him feel like his was inferior . Good effort , and the best way to stop him trying at all .

[Believeitornot]

The thing is, in life & professional environment no one is going to praise work that's not 100%. It's tough out there!! How do you suggest we prepare our children to 'face the world

I don't tell my team that they could have done it better if only they worked like another team

I ask them what they did well and what they could improve next time. It is rare that they don't have an awareness of how they could do better. They know where they went wrong. And if they don't then they're usually the poor performers.

I'm guessing you're not well liked at work you'll be the manager no one wants to work for.

[Only1scoop]

But it wasn't to make it 'safer' if the wires were pushed inside

You said it was for aesthetic reasons in Op
Although it sounds as if it's all gone a bit to far
Yabu

[fastdaytears]

Whoever recommended that OP looked A
at growth mindset, that was a good call

[Thomasisintraining]

Tbh it sounds like you can give it but you cannot take it. Your DH was giving you tips on how to patent better next time and you appear to have got the huff and sulked on MN.

[Thomasisintraining]

Patent =parent

[acasualobserver]

I have stopped believing in this thread.

[PenelopePitstops]

You're his mother and he's 12!!!!

Give the kid a break and be proud of him. You sound more vile the more you post.


denial

[WindyTriller]

What you say about professional environments is poppycock too... I have never been appraised or criticised for work carried out whilst on annual leave so why should your DS be assessed on his summer holiday?

However you try and sugar coat it OP YABVU!

[ipswichwitch]

yes it's tough out there, and he will find that out for himself in time. What he doesn't need is his own mother comparing his work to his friends, telling him it's come up short, then not constructively helping him fix "the problem". He was happy with it until you commented, he tried to sort it and now it won't work properly. Can't you see how that would upset him? And you say you're upset at your husband siding with him!

[splendide]

Yeah you're weirdly touchy and emotional - how are you going to make it in the real world if you can't take criticism without melodramatically declaring it a betrayal?