To want to change nursery to avoid a particular child

[BettyBi0]

We've had some long standing issues with the way DC's nursery have been handling some behaviour issues. DC is 2.5 and has learnt some choice phrases over the last 6 months or so including lots of threats along the lines of "I'll cut your face", "shut up and do as I say", "you are the loser so ner ner na ner ner" which she has copied from some of the older kids. Some of it is run of the mill bratty stuff, some of it is really quite scary mean stuff. It's a mixed room of 2 to 5 yr olds. The nursery have said they cannot prevent certain kids from playing together but they can intervene if they see/hear anything mean being said. Fair enough... Only they never seem to hear/see anything and whenever I pick DD up she is playing in a group being bossed around by the older kids. There are 2 particular girls that I'd really like DD not to copy and I'd been consoling myself with the fact that they were both off to big school in September. Now I've just found out that one of them has a September birthday and will in fact be there for a whole year more.

Am I mad to consider changing nurseries to avoid this child? I hate the impact she has had on DD and the phrases and behaviours that DD has copied from her and I dread to think of that going on for another year.

I'd change.
You obviously aren't getting heard the way you should - these children need help & it shouldn't be at your expense.
I used to be very laid back , then realised l wasn't doing my child any favours l.

at posters saying OP should do nada as her DD will be at Primary School where will be much of the same/cannot shield DD from all etc etc.

Have had 3 DCs go through primary/secondary school and never have any of them come home repeating stuff they have heard which is of the tenor of 'will cut you'. This is SO far past normal that it is absurd to tell OP 'no point' in switching nurseries.

OP I would change and ASAP, both for reason you overtly wrote of but also as that age range in one group seems nuts and is very def not my experience of when my kids were in nursery. Most of all, do be aware that this is NOT 'normal' in any way, and TBH the nursery should be following up on it with SS as a child who knows phrases such as that is potentially a child in an at-risk household. It is NOT fucking 'normal'

i vote for change. my 5 yo dd came back from school saying she wanted to 'rip my face off' but at 2 i think it's bad news. Go with your gut with kids always. My gut would say move them.

I would change tbh, not because of the behaviour because children need to learn to avoid this themselves. I don't think 2 yr olds and 5 yr olds should be in the same group. There is a huge a range of abilities and development between the two ages and tbh I've never heard of this before.
Isn't it usually babies, toddlers- 3 and pre school rooms (3 - 4).

I would change.
2 - 5 year olds is a big age gap to have children in one room. They need different things, they are miles apart in many ways.

Yes there will always be children coming out with all sorts of unpleasant things, but you'd like to hope that they would be supervised, have constant reinforcement of being considerate and caring to each other and even if particular comments have not been witnessed, to talk to the whole room about what isn't ok to say to each other. They need to know that the adults know what goes on.

At 2.5 dd is at the stage that she will copy older children, for good and for bad. She needs to be with 2 - 3 year olds not 2 - 5 year olds imo.

YANBU They don't seem to be managing behaviour effectively. My 5 yo is at an insulting stage, but it's along the lines of "stinky poo head" which is age appropriate, and not concerning if my 3yo picks it up.

Children do pick things up from each other. We've had one instance from school where DS asked what a rather offensive swear word meant. At 5, he'd got some sense that it wasn't a word we use and was cagey about it. He was told it wasn't a nice word and not to use it again. We let his teacher know to keep an ear out, and that was the end of that.

You can't insulate children from all external influences, but we can take actions to manage them, and it sounds like this setting isn't very successful at managing it.

Sorry...........did I just correctly read a PP claiming this is the OP DD fault for being 'immature' enough not to know she shouldn't copy bigger kids - at 2.5yo?

Really?

REALLY?

You'll get people saying you can't do anything about other kids speech and you'll have to contend with 30 kids in your DD class but ultimately you have to do what feels right for your child now. Not worry about what will happen in a year or more time. Nothing wrong with wanting your children to speak nicely and not have to listen to stuff like that.

Omg really have never in all my parenting years and years as a cm and a reception class TA ever heard a 5 year old saying they will cut your face beyond bizarre.

The nursery sounds wild. Also the age range is too big. Change her.

RevoltingPeasant I didn't say it is her fault, no need for the excited really REALLYs.

I said she is too immature at 2.5 to know it is inappropriate so she parrots the phrases. Because 2.5 year olds generally aren't mature enough to know what is or isn't appropriate. They need to be taught and once aged 4 will usually know.

My concern would be where these bigger kids were hearing that sort of thing. I will cut your face is not something usually said by a 5yo. I would probably change nursery if my DD came out with this

After nearly 3 years of nursery and 2 of school DD has never said stuff like this, so it is not inevitable and saying so is just accepting and giving up, tbh.

I would move her because mixing the ages like this doesn't work, but also because I wouldn't want DD mixing with these kids, even if that does piss some MNers off.

My DC have been to two nurseries both had four to five rooms to split the age groups.

Sorry pax obviously misread.

I was thinking, of all the batshit things I've ever read on MN..........

Anywho, agree with other posters that it's not the other kids you want to avoid but the nursery management. I know if I raised something like that with DD keyworker or room leader they'd be straight on it.

Thankyou for the advice. Yes, I know I won't be able to hand pick the kids my children come into contact with - it's just that she is still so young and I hate the changes I'm seeing in her behaviour. We are doing our best to talk about it at home but she isn't really understanding.

The nursery has normal ratios and an outstanding ofsted for what it's worth. However, it is just plain loud and chaotic in there with a large space and very difficult to hear anyone talk without shouting.

I've spoken to the key worker several times about this one particular girl as I worried she was hearing the phrases at home and it would be a safeguarding issue.

The upheaval of moving - with massive waiting lists everywhere local - really doesn't appeal as I'm wondering if it's not just a case of better the devil you know.

I can't wait until DD is old enough to understand it better.

The line 'gut you like s fish' is also in Jim Carey's The Grinch which is a family movie, not just scary adult movies.

Not nice though

Having put 4 sons through private nurseries (2 separate) & my youngest 2 to school nurseries too, I've never had any in with 5 year olds at 2? (Nor would I have wanted them to be).
In Scotland 5 year olds will be in nursery, my 3rd ds is a march birthday and there were a few kids deferred in his pre school class who turned 5 in Jan/Feb.
I've been lucky with nurseries, key workers have been on the ball and involved plus sorted any issues out quickly and offered advice (had biters argh!!). So I felt happy sending them knowing they were supervised and any issues would be dealt with & issues like yours wouldn't have happened or nipped in the bud due to smaller groups and good supervision.
It does sound like you're not happy with chaos and atmosphere in the room your child is in.
Perhaps put her on a waiting list or find another type of childcare for now? I wouldn't like my kids coming home saying things such as that at 5,6 & 11 never mind 2!!. Perhaps bring it up again with the nursery manager, I know how expensive private nursery is so certainly would attempt to sort it or move her.
Hope you find a solution that works for both of you

You could teach your child to stand up for herself, not to copy the big kids, how to deal with bossy people etc.

Explain why and speak to her. At 2.5 they know right from wrong, and they understand if you explain things.

My daughter is 4, she knows to walk away from people who are naughty, she knows not to copy bad behaviour and she knows not to copy naughty words and if it's needed, she knows how to smack someone in the face with a right hook.

I swear, my daughter and now my son will be raised to hear it, and despite my wife's initial moaning about it, my daughter will not even whisper a naughty word to me even when I tell her it's ok. She is dead set against it. I've taught her that.

I've taught her to fight, I've taught her to use her words to avoid that fight.

You cannot protect your child from most situations, and sometimes it's best not too. EVERYTHING is educational, bad and good, teach her how to deal with bossy people now and it won't be an issue when she is older.

You will come up against numerous undesirable associations through her school and even university. Rather than removing her from the situation, teach her how to deal with these things. You can't continue to remove her from undesirables unless you bring her up in a bubble, but giving her the skills to make good decisions and have confidence in them, will stand her in good stead for her future. The bad influences can be far more serious during the teens and young adult years but you have the opportunity to start giving her the skills she will need to deal with it all now. View it as a useful learning opportunity.

I'd definitely change. While you can't always escape kids whose behaviour you mayn't like, your child is at such a formative age and expecting a little kid to filter well is hard when they're such sponges at this age. Nursery sounds a bit useless

YANBU

surely a 2.5 yo shouldn't be with preschoolers anyway?! Worrying what your dd is saying, I'd be mortified! I would move her if you have spoken to nursery and nothing has been done.

I'd want to change on the basis of the "loud and chaotic space" thing, and because I'm not convinced that 2-5yo in together all of the time is best.

However, this is "normal" or not IMO depends a lot on your local area. Round here (v high rates of deprivation etc), I honestly don't think you'd find any school or nursery where there aren't a good number of children saying problematically violent and aggressive things. I'm sure there are leafier, naicer places where that's not the case.

Agree with Martha. Your child will come across other children who do all kinds of things she isn't allowed to do - you need to teach her what is acceptable in your family.
The 'cut your face' remarks I would need context for. Was it said to someone to scare them or was it part of a game that all the children were enjoying (eg acting out Minecraft etc which a lot of 4/5 yos are into at the moment). If it's the latter and children playing the 'baddies' were being told this I would discourage it but don't think it is as bad as if it is being said as a threat.

You are being ott. Shut up? Do as I say? Fuck me i wish that was all my kids copied!

Nursery aged kids casually saying stuff like "I'll cut you" is chilling. Can't believe the poster who said it will be your dd's turn to be that child at some point. It's not normal; I'd remove my kids from that setup immediately.
It's absolutely not a given that you'll meet the same behaviour in the next place.