Play scheme worker forced DS into her car

[Longlost10]

My 8 yo DS is in a holiday playscheme, there are two workers there I know. I employ the first one to drive DS home for me at the end of the day. The second one is her boss.

Two days ago, the first one was called away by a family emergency, and unable to drive DS home. The second one made him get into her car against his will, and she drove him home.

I rang her up that night, very very angry. I have taught DS never to get into anyone's car without my express permission, even if he knows them. He was very distressed, and said he had tried to resist and argue, but she had irresistibly over ruled him and forced him in.

When I spoke to the second worker on Friday, she got very offended, and said she thought she was doing a favour for a friend. I am however going to make a formal complaint. She probably was a friend, of sorts, we have been using that play scheme for years,and got to know each other well.

Even so, AIBU to think she should have rung me, and given me the option of leaving work early as a one off emergency, or giving DS permission to get in her car

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

It's not 'worryingly dangerous' fgs. It's one play worker instead of another dropping a child home. Get some bloody perspective.

Some of you have clearly grown up in total fear of the world at large, it's not healthy.

[Fairuza]

Of course it wasn't an 'emergency situation'!

[antiqueroadhoe]

It was an emergency situation for the worker who had to go to the emergency family situation?

[Fairuza]

The playscheme has these amazing things called phones, and contact telephone numbers. They work even if a staff member has a family emergency earlier in the day.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

permanentlyexhausted that's rubbish too. Who you choose to pay to drive your children or babysit for you is up to you.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

If you think she's that terrible then why are you leaving your DS with her.
It seems the situation is almost laughing at itself

[Fairuza]

Don't go off with someone, go into someone's house, or get into someone's car without letting your parents know are the most basic safety rules for children. Even if it is someone you know.

Some who works with children shows pretty poor judgement if they can't understand that.

[Mummyme1987]

I'm sure that the correct way to deal with this was to call you and ask what you wanted to do. Not force a child to do something.

[Griphook]

Yanbu and yabu.
They should have called you, he's your child and its your call to make.
If they had had an accident you'd have been none the wiser. It was the first workers responsiblity to contact you.

By making a complaint you will really be causing your self problems, the only way for the play scheme to deal
With this would be to have a blanket ban on staff taking children home.

[Daisygarden]

The questions are:

Did either worker call you to tell you of the change of plan in advance?

If not, when your DS wasn't happy to get in the car, why didn't worker 2 call you then, even if she didn't before?

What would you have wanted them to do in that situation?

Are you always 100% available on the phone?

If not, what will happen if they need to contact you in the future but you are uncontactable? Do they have grandparents numbers for example so in the case of your unavailability, they could explain to GP who can reassure DS that it is fine for worker 2 to take him home?

Is it something as simple as she didn't have your phone number because worker 1 has the numbers?

Ultimately, if you want DS to keep going there, you will have to iron out a few things. I wouldn't complain as such but there are certainly questions that need asking just so everyone is clear in future.

[squiggleirl]

It's not 'worryingly dangerous' fgs. It's one play worker instead of another dropping a child home. Get some bloody perspective.

Except the one who had been employed to do the job had outsourced it that day without telling the parent or explaining to the child. The playscheme wasn't employed to bring the child home. one staff member was. And it is dangerous and irresponsible for any adult, let alone someone involved in childcare, to tell a child they should go against what their parent has told them to do to keep them safe.

Nobody was doing the OP a favour. She employed somebody to bring her child home. They made other arrangements. They didn't tell her, and they didn't tell the child, and rather than trying to deal with the situation responsibly, and attempting to contact a parent when it became apparent that would resolve the issue, one worker chose to shout at and intimidate an 8 year old boy. I stand by my comment of worryingly dangerous.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Fairuza you are assuming they should have acted as though a child hadn't been collected as is OP. But if OP hadn't put a process in place with the first worker then they assumed they had responsibility for ensuring the child was taken home. Since it was an emergency, they delegated that responsibility to the other staff member. If OP didn't want that to happen she should have had clear agreement on what was to happen in an emergency. This is nothing to do with playgroup protocol and everything to do with op's arrangement with the first staff member.

[mellicauli]

You might want to think what are you going to do for lifts for the rest of the summer once you've shot yourself in the foot here. Your complaint will be acted upon leaving the lot of every parent a load more rules to dance around. Two people you were cordial with over the years will now no longer be so pleased to see you. One of them will lose a useful source of income. They both will have a very uncomfortable periods at work for a short time and may even lose their jobs. You may find the playscheme inexplicably full when you ring next time. And for nothing. Nothing happened. Your son was never in any danger.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

I have a 9 year old.
I'm shocked at the replies that think yabu. Worker 1 should have called you while Ds was there so you could tell Ds that it was ok to get in the car.

Many crimes against children occur through someone they know so I think you're right to teach your son not to get into a stranger's car. Maybe you need to get him to ask the driver to call you.

[nokidshere]

Yanbu at all. A child did not want to get into a car because he had been told not to by his mum. The first worker should have told the child she was leaving and, if she didn't have time, the second worker should have called the parent to let her know of the new arrangement - at which time the parent could have told the child it was ok to get in the 2nd workers car.

This is basic stuff. As a childminder it doesn't matter that I know the parent will be ok with a change in arrangements, I still call and tell them beforehand.

[Shelby2010]

The 2 play scheme workers obviously thought they were doing the right thing. However this stopped when worker 2 was shouting at and coercing a distressed child - that doesn't sound like someone who should be caring for children. At the point when the DS said 'I'm not allowed to get in your car' she still had time to backtrack & say 'OK, we'll phone your Mum so she can give you permission.'

As someone previously said on MN - it's not a favour if you didn't want it.

Fairuza innocently reminded us that even people that children know & see every day can very rarely be the people they need to be kept safe from.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Why didn't either playgroup worker phone you?

[antiqueroadhoe]

We don't know enough of the facts really.

If the main play worker had received a call that her husband or mother had been taken to intensive care and she was in a panic then she could well have said to playworker 2 to give him a lift home and rushed off with the phone numbers on her phone. Not ideal but not impossible to imagine.

People make the best decisions they know how to at the time. Playworker 2 may not have had a contact number. Her options would then be either to stand in the driveway with the OP's son, waiting for OP to drive round to find out where he was (who knows how many hours later), or walk indoors and leave him alone. Perhaps she had children of her own to collect. Her options were limited. Kids don't tend to know their parents phone numbers.

If they all had the phone numbers and the family emergency that the first playworker had was something that wasn't really an emergency (although I'm not sure why she would say that) then they need to think again about how they manage that situation.

If you are otherwise pleased with the care they give, then I wouldn't worry. If you think they are generally bad at caring for your child then leave.

[littleducks]

I'm surprised by responses here too. I have similar rules for my children. They don't get into cars/get picked up etc unless they have to spoken to me or is a list of select people i trust (my parents/in laws /close family friend). I am far from overprotective but need to know where they are

These are the people listed as emergency contacts at school etc so if something awful happened to me these would be the same people who turned up.

I think the only thing your son did wrong was not to ask to phone you himself/someone call you at that point .

[38cody]

YANBU
I would never ever put any child into my car without parental consent unless it was something like an arterial bleed dash to the hospital - ie it would have to be a life or death situation and the person who was employed to do it was HUGELY irresponsible not to confirm alternate arrangements with you and to make your son aware - we all have mobiles - there's no excuse.

[PlotterOfPlots]

I'm really surprised at these responses.

I teach my children, in line with school's PSHE or whatever it's called, that you shouldn't get in a car with someone you don't expect unless they know our family password, and any "ok" adult (as opposed to the "not-ok" adults) will understand this rule and not force them. Also not to worry about seeming to be rude or disobedient because "ok" adults will understand about the child following safety rules. Not shout in the child's face until they comply.

Also it's very reasonable to tell a child only to come home with yourselves or nominated person.

Of course there should have been a phone call.

The problem is what do you do now? You are at risk of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Friday's events won't be repeated and wouldn't destroy my faith in this playscheme, but how you handle it now may burn your bridges with what's still a sound setting.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU - one or other of them should have called you and let you speak to your son to give him permission to go with the second worker.
It's not about not trusting her with him - it's about her forcing him to break the rules his mother has put in place for his safeguarding, thus leaving him upset that he's done something wrong, even if it wasn't his fault.

It is ridiculous that no one phoned you.

[nokidshere]

Antiqueriadhoe ALL play workers should have ALL the numbers if ALL the children they are working with.

There is no excuse for not calling the parent in this case.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

YANBU, your arrangement with worker A was a private arrangement. I can think of a situation where I would be happy for one leader to bring a child home because they are a friend, I have known them for years, before the child was even born and would always trust them. I would not be happy for a different leader to assume their place and certainly not to shout at the child to get in to their car because I have only known them for less than a year, while in the group they are never alone with the child but I don't know them well enough to make that judgement outside of that context.

Most importantly it was clear that the ds was distressed and should not have been forced to go with her. I think that he is old enough to be told that the rule still stands but another time ask them to ring you and let him speak to you to confirm. My dd is a little older and she still rings me to check if there is a change of plan. 99% of the time it is fine and she knows that I wouldn't refuse a reasonable request.

[trafalgargal]

So at the end of her working day she went out of her way to ensure your son got home safely -. All this about getting into a stranger's car s bollocks - you say she's a friend - and she's clearly checked as she holds clearance to work at the play scheme. The first worker let you down badly - and how do you know she knew hours earlier that there was a problem ? Is it possible she found out when it was clear no-one was taking your son home ? She may indeed not have been happy to be put in a position to run a child home and was firm with him as she just wanted to get him home so she could finish. No-one was paying her but if you and worker A hadn't made any contingency plan that's not her fault. Your private arrangement isn't anything to do with the playscheme. In most circumstances if the child is not picked up the usual route is to notify SS -she clearly didn't want that for you and did wht she felt was best for everyone (you not having to leave work, your son still having a lift home - and her not having to deal with waiting for SS to show up and the paperworkthat would accompany that) Still what's the saying No good deed goes unpunished. Sounds to me more like your son was afraid he'd be in trouble with you for getting into "a stranger's car" but she wasn't a stranger but you do sound quite volatile so I'd be very sure he wasn't telling you she'd upset him and it wasn't more he was afraid of upsetting you and getting into trouble.
Clearly if you are making formal complaints then the playscheme is no longer appropriate so what provision have you made for your son for tomorrow onwards for care whilst you are working ?