I thought I was being kind

[Ninarina]

Hello all,
I have no one to talk to in RL so need some reassurance pls. My mum passed a few months ago and since then I've been helping my elderly dad. I do all the cooking and cleaning etc and don't go to my own home until I have cleared up after dinner. I have siblings but they are male so their private lives are more important. My dad mentioned taking me on a religious pilgrimage. I inwardly sighed as this is a place where there a huge crowds. My mum went one time and was scared and uncomfortable as my dad- tho he could afford it- paid for v basic accommodation. Females must go with male guardian. I know people say it's extremely spiritual and moving but I'm still grieving for my mum and probably have depression. I made no comment just non committal 'I will see' type thing. The next thing my dad was on phone to my bro calling me a 'non believer.' He's given me special 'blessed' water to drink to get rid of Satan in me. I would laugh but I'm so so hurt. I thought I was being a good daughter. I have started receiving counselling but he says this is wrong and I should pray instead. I just feel overwhelmed with sadness and don't want to see him again. Am I in the wrong? Why does he hate me so much? Thanks for reading

Ok so your dad is capable of looking after himself. Please consider being ill and unable to see him for a few days each week. Maybe you have ladies issues or other responsibilities or some illness? Consider seeing him every other day instead of every day.

Have you considered contacting a Muslim women's charity for support - for example the Muslim Women's Network - they have a helpline so you could get someone to talk to who understands the sort of pressure you will be under:

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk

Go with him and pray,to make him happy why not?

Step back and look after yourself. You're grieving, too.

He's not grateful for your help. He's demanding and critical. He's telling lies about you to others. Frankly, I'd call my brothers and tell them that I've done enough, cannot cope anymore, and that it's their turn.

Oh my goodness. You are being a wonderful daughter and he is totally in the wrong. Please do not blame yourself for his unreasonable behaviour. If you feel able to distance yourself from him you have every right to do so. He can obviously look after himself. You don't owe it to him to spend so much of your time catering to his whims and you certainly don't owe it to him to go on the pilgrimage if you don't want to. You have done more than your duty as it is and you have every right to live your own life. I'm sorry I don't have much useful to add but sending best wishes and good luck

You said it yourself, he doesn't need you to care for him, he is quite capable, he just wants a woman to bully now your DM has gone.

He tells everyone you do a shit job of looking after him.

Why bother? Stop doing it.

Seriously, if you know he doesn't need he care and only wants to bully you, why are you still going there?

TheSunsNotYellowItsChicken
No offence but I really don't think this is the place to start preaching your own religion or making sweeping generalisations about other religions. Islam is not "dangerous" any more than Christianity or Judaism or any other belief system. There's no shortage of dangerous Christians, Jews, Hindus and atheists.

Is that how your version of Christianity works TheSunsNotyellow? Take a person when they are feeling low and try to convert them? Nice. Go and preach somewhere else. The op came on for advice regarding a family situation, not for people to badmouth her families beliefs. Very poor taste.

He is being unreasonable, as are your brothers. Do you have anyone to talk to in RL? It's so important to have friends to back you up when family gets a bit much. Speaking to people here will help too.

Your dad is unlikely to change, he may never give you the thanks you deserve so don't keep trying to please him. You need to put yourself first for once.

You sound lovely, and I'm worried about you.

You're an important person and you are entitled to be safe and happy . What do you need in order to feel safe and at peace? Don't be scared - how can we help?

Other posts have tended toward assuming you need to move on from your religion. This could well be the case for you but if it isn't, I think you should seek out a women's support group within your religion. Sometimes local support systems are just too biased and let's face it downright gossipy. Look online for neutral support related to your faith from others facing difficult times. I wish you well xx

Your post that said nonbeliever was hurtful suggests you just want to know that you are doing the right thing. You are, you just need guidance from other people from your faith who are not closely linked to your father x

So worried for you, do look at the helpline Burningbridges mentions above, I'm relieved to know there is an organisation like that. You must miss your mother, her love and support and company so much.
Your father is being so unfair to you, you sound so alone and disregarded. Do you live alone I wonder. PM me if you would like to.
Thinking of you and wishing you well. 💐

Please ignore the disgusting anti Muslim rant - that person clearly is a very poor Christian to post in such an unChristian manner.

I was wondering what counselling you are receiving. I hope it's a Muslim organization who supports women in these situations as I do think it's very hard to cousel without a genune understanding of the culture and beliefs you were raised within. That said both you and your Dad are still grieving and maybe you can find some help within your community for someone to give him some spiritual and emotional guidence too.

I'm not Muslim and don't pretend to understand the culture intimately but I do understand from Muslim friends the difficulty in bridging the gap between the older generation raised with certain expectations and their children raised in Britain and their outlook of expecting greatr autonomy yet still wishing to be "good" children and to respect and honour the expectations of their parents. There are people within the Muslim community who do understand and offer counseling and understand that you can't tell your Dad he's unreasonable and needs to be respectful in a direct manner but can help you try to find a path to find compromise with him but feel comfortable and not totally subugated,

Please don't end up taking your mum's place and ending up being treated like she was. You can see it coming. You can see he is not being respectful to you or kind. He probably is feeling a lot of loss and is radiating his upset and sadness at you, but you don't have to attend every disrespectful interaction you are invited to.

Keep backing away.

Hello OP, your Dad is completely wrong and is being very hurtful. Hajj is a big deal and I can understand you not wanting to go on it when you are grieving.

Btw, if you want to talk to other Muslims on here about, we have a chat thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/philosophy_religion_spirituality/2206110-All-welcome-in-Muslim-tea-room-3

TheSunsNotYellow, I am a Christian and I think you are completely out of order.

OP, that was a low blow that your Dad dealt to you. You are right to see that now that your Mum is gone he is just putting you in her place to vent his anger or fear or whatever else he may be feeling. Please don't feel guilty for your response to this. You are right and he is wrong to treat you so badly.

I hope you will get counselling.

One possibility...

Could you inform your brothers that as your father considers you to be an unbeliever possessed by a devil, you realise as a dutiful daughter that it is wrong of you to contaminate his house with your presence, so they are going to have to pick up the slack.

A few weeks of the resulting pressure and chaos and they might just realise that clearly you were being a very good daughter.

He was mean & nasty to your Mum when she was ill (& before that)
He is able to look after himself.

You know he just wants you to take your mothers place so he can control & bully you - he's started already.

Don't let it happen. Live your own life, if your brothers are so worried they can go around & sort him out. I understand you are Muslim, but we are all under social pressure to do stuff like this, but we don't have to!

Live your own life & grieve for your Mum in your own way.

I wonder if www.sakoon.co.uk would be of any help to you?

wow. he's so manipulative.

You ARE a good daughter but you don't have a good father.

I would walk away and let him see that you're STRONG and smart and you have boundaries first and foremost. A person can give too much.

nocool - I think that's excellent. Play him at his own spiteful game.

I really feel for you. He's manipulating and bullying you when you should all be pulling together as w family. One of your brothers sounds just like him - is that correct?

I love nocools solution. Beat them at their own nasty name. Any help
Is brilliant so please use the helpline and use the thread link. You need to be heard.