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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DH to have a holiday without us?

95 replies

tigerlilly0404 · 23/07/2016 22:03

DH has a friend who has moved to Oz recently, he thinks it's completely reasonable to go and vist for 2 weeks, leaving me and our 4 DC at home?
We don't have a great deal of money and I feel that if we did have enough for him to do this trip I'd rather it went to having a family holiday so we can all enjoy it???
He really doesn't see it this way, so starting to think maybe it's just me who thinks this is not ok??

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 24/07/2016 15:15

So what sacrifices is he willing to make?
Tell him to also look at the requirements to stay in Australia.
Tell him to look into how much money you are expected to take even to crash on a mates sofa. If border control don't think you have enough cash, he won't be cleared.

Ask him how he plans to budget for this because you and the dc's are not giving up anything to fund his holiday. 2k+ is not the equivalent of a fridge. I would be telling him until he comes up with a legal plan that doesnt involve credit, you are not talking about it anymore. And I would give him a list of his expenses.

Lumpylumperson · 24/07/2016 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lorelei76 · 24/07/2016 17:22

Bucking the trend
One of my mates is SAHD with three DC
His wife goes to Vegas every year for a week with her mates

He is okay with it but I accept it doesn't mean extra childcare because he's home in the first place. I know some years he's missed visiting family in Cyprus but that week away matters a lot and she offered that he see his folks in Cyprus alone while she took leave to look after the DC

In another group of friends there's a regular group who visit our friends in New York but the last couple of times, two people who are parents have extended it to two weeks to do the road trip thing and go much further away

I know that it impacted on their children holidays but they think it's really important that the adults get time together and I agree tbh, also the children are little and have lots if fun without without a long trek on a plane

As a one off, if he can sacrifice his own stuff to pay for it and pay for childcare so you don't lose annual leave, I'd say okay.

DerelictMyBalls · 24/07/2016 17:25

What about the DH's annual leave, though? There are far more weeks of school holidays than there are weeks of annual leave from work. I know that we find it hard to stretch out our leave to cover school holidays and we only have one DC.

Original poster

tigerlilly0404 · 24/07/2016 17:37

lorelei76, your friends sound like they have the money to do that traveling which is great for them! and if money was no object for us it wouldn't be an issue as we would have the flight money and be able to cover childcare costs of his using his annual leave.... no problem at all I may even pack his bags for him! ha

but when our children havent had a holiday abroad, or even have one every year in the UK I think if we had 2000 for him to go to Oz wouldn't it be better used for a family holiday??? we haven't even had a honeymoon that was 13 years ago now as we haven't had the money!

OP posts:

Lorelei76 · 24/07/2016 17:40

bloody "Tell him to look into how much money you are expected to take even to crash on a mates sofa. If border control don't think you have enough cash, he won't be cleared."

I wasn't even asked. I admit I had a decent amount but how does anyone go on holiday to Australia then? Have the rules changed recently? There must be entire families going on holiday, do they expect $1000 per head spare in the bank or something?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/07/2016 17:41

Fortunately the OP is the one who controls the household finances, so it should be pretty easy to ensure there's not enough for him to go on this jolly.

He's just thinking "flights and spends". If he's thinking at all. It's very telling that he's not prepared to sacrifice any of the activities he's currently enjoying. Selfish git! He must think his wife has magic beans or something!

What he's not thinking is compensating for his two weeks of absence with two week's worth of full-time childcare that he won't be able to cover from his annual leave.

It will never come to pass but it's pretty frightening that he thinks it's OK for him to swan off as if he was a single man.

HelenaJustina · 24/07/2016 17:41

My DH would have two hopes, and one of them is Bob...

But then my DH wouldn't ask to go. Ask what 'luxury' of your DH, mustn't affect anyone else, is going to forego in order to save.

AnyFucker · 24/07/2016 17:43

Hell would freeze over before this happened in our house

Lorelei76 · 24/07/2016 17:44

tiger, no, they haven't got the money in the sense that the "family" holiday to Cyprus literally can't happen - I've discussed it with him a few times because he's okay with it now but it did take a while.

in the other cases, again, the "family holiday" got put on hold for a few years. Yes, the childcare is paid for if someone is actually doing it but I just mean the actual cost of the holiday, which I thought was your main concern. Apologies if I got that wrong.

if you mean holiday + additional childcare needed because he can't cover - again, if he can find the money - and my friends aren't rich, they planned this for what feels like decades! - then it's different.

I just got the impression you were more annoyed by the fact that he was getting a holiday and there wouldn't be a family holiday as a result, and I'm just thinking that perhaps for him, one year of seeing a close friend would be worth that. But note, I am expecting him to cover all costs!!

I also don't what your agreements are re one person being left with 4 DC - as my mate in the Cyprus/Vegas situation is the SAH and his wife works long hours, he doesn't feel it makes much odds either way.

CalleighDoodle · 24/07/2016 17:57

He is a selfish individual. If he needs £2k to get to australia, he needs a job that pays more. Keeping in mind he will have to earn much more than £2k to take-home £2k. Id be telling him to look for a better paid job, or evening / weekend jobs and he puts that money to one side and in three years go as a family.

However, his attitude would make me question whether he actually considers himself part of a family anyway.

bloodyteenagers · 24/07/2016 18:05

Lorelei - if he bothered to look he would see for himself that entry will not be gained if he doesn't have enough money. This is the advice on the GOVUK website as well as the Australian gov website.
You may have not been asked for evidence, but other travellers do get asked for evidence. And if border control don't think you have enough money, then you are not cleared.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/07/2016 18:07

It's a great idea. If there was time and money enough for you both the do it and have a family holiday. There's not.

Is there anything you want for 2K? Save up for that first. Then after you have wasted household money to that tune, start saving for DH's jolly.

Armi · 24/07/2016 18:42

I'd tell him to fuck off and ask how he plans to afford it when he'll be renting his own place and paying maintenance by the time the trip rolls around.

Marynary · 24/07/2016 18:57

It sounds as if he is living in a total fantasy world. Does he even know how much flights to Australia cost?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 24/07/2016 19:55

Lorelei, OP has also established that this is not a "close friend", but an ex-coworker.

morecakepleaseImBritish · 24/07/2016 19:56

Tiger Lily. See my other thread. Going through exactly this at the moment. Men can be so selfish.

Original poster

tigerlilly0404 · 24/07/2016 20:06

morecakepleaseimbristish... I'm new here how do I find your thread????

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 24/07/2016 20:30

Tiger ..short answer he's a dickbutt. Long answer,besides the childishness and selfishness the problem seems to be that you manage all finances. He does not have to bother his pretty little head with how much money there is and where it comes from,and because you manage to find the money for emergencies(scrimp and save) he thinks it magically appears. If viable,i'd suggest for the next few months you both put money in a joint account for bills etc,and what's left he gets to live off AND save. He might actually realise that things cost money and that "flights and spends" money isn't just lying around. Or he'll keep being a dickbutt in which case LTB

RebelRogue · 24/07/2016 20:38

P.s. The title should be "to not what dh to spend 2000£ on himself when we don't have the money"

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