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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to have a holiday without us?

95 replies

tigerlilly0404 · 23/07/2016 22:03

DH has a friend who has moved to Oz recently, he thinks it's completely reasonable to go and vist for 2 weeks, leaving me and our 4 DC at home?
We don't have a great deal of money and I feel that if we did have enough for him to do this trip I'd rather it went to having a family holiday so we can all enjoy it???
He really doesn't see it this way, so starting to think maybe it's just me who thinks this is not ok??

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 23/07/2016 22:59

He really doesn't see it this way

of course he doesnt, in order to get what he wants he needs to convince you that this is totally fair and reasonable, because he is your partner and you have children together you are predisposed to trust that he will be fair and act in the long term interests of the family unit.

In his mind a set up where he is king of the hill and you are there to do the donkey work is fair and just.
Because childcare is women's work and men should be allowed to go off on bachelor adventures with their buddies

as per pp
fuck that shit

Huldra · 23/07/2016 23:19

I have no problems with separate trips sometimes, spare money and spare time then it's all good. We have both done solo trips and I have frequently gone away with the kids on my own as I don't work during the summer holidays.

In this situation I would be giving him the family budget and asking him to plan the finances and holiday childcare for his trip, your own trip and family holidays for the next few years. He can break the news to the kids that they will be in holiday clubs for an extra week + for the next couple of years. If they're old enough to know they are missing out on a holiday, he can explain that to them too.

Huldra · 23/07/2016 23:26

Basically make it all the budgets and plans his responsibility, ensuring equally fair budgets and plans. Or he could well go into fuckwit mode and do the crap Buuuut my wife won't let me, 'er in doors is the nasty boss.

Shiningexample · 23/07/2016 23:33

he's playing you
better up your game and play him right back

Jayfee · 23/07/2016 23:35

Nooooo!!!!! He sounds like a child. Time for him to man up.

Graceflorrick · 23/07/2016 23:44

I've encouraged my DH to visit his friend in Australia alone, mainly because I don't want to go. It's got to be a joint decision though, if you're unhappy he shouldn't go.

justilou · 24/07/2016 00:12

He has no idea what he's in for. I'm an Aussie and every time I go back I am gobsmacked at the cost of living there. Will he be buying food and alcohol? Aussie wine is half the price here as it is there. Cigarettes are the most expensive in the world - up to $40 per packet. Food is easily twice the price. Don't get me started on the cost of transport, entertainment, etc... There is no such thing as a cheap holiday in Aus...

squoosh · 24/07/2016 00:16

$40 per packet

Wow-za-mondo! For 20 fags?

mrsC4 · 24/07/2016 00:22

Your 'D'H is being a selfish moron OP

molyholy · 24/07/2016 00:25

I would just laugh in his face. Even the suggestion is ridiculous. Who the fuck does he think he is!!!!! Cheeky bastard.

IllMetByMoonlight · 24/07/2016 00:49

If he's prepared to do a year of semi-separate finances; paying £xxx into the joint account every month (equal share to you or proportional to your respective incomes) to ensure that all living expenses are covered, and saving whatever left over towards his trip. He should also account for expenses for the period he is away and an extra fund to cover the cost of any extra childcare you may need to pay for as he won't be there to pick up his share. You should NOT have to go without a thing because he wants a holiday. DP and I did exactly this this year, and we always operate partially separate accounts / partially joined. DP went on holiday pursuing a hobby earlier in the spring. His money, + he arranged and paid for the extra childcare I would need to work while he was away. I wanted to take DCs on a break introducing them to something that is significant in my life: my ticket, my money, their tickets came out of the joint pot. The family holiday this summer is paid out of joint savings.

TurquoiseTranquility · 24/07/2016 00:53

erm... DCs and me may go on holiday without DH once a week, but that's to visit my FAMILY overseas and if DH can afford the time, he always tries to join us. Would he f off to OZ on his own? I don't think so. In fact he hasn't as much as gone to Arsenal since DC1 was born. Even tho I said he should.

TurquoiseTranquility · 24/07/2016 00:54

that was once a year ha ha not once a week Grin

Gizlotsmum · 24/07/2016 07:00

I like a pp idea of saving and splitting the savings so you each get equal spends and then do what you like with them. He is a selfish arse especially if this would be instead of a family holiday

CatNip2 · 24/07/2016 07:13

Australian cigarettes come in packs of 40 but they are still dearer than here, and here they are ridiculous. I digress...

I think your husband is being absolutely unreasonable and I am v angry on your behalf.

i would do this if he keeps on about it. I would open two accounts (or get two money tins from Poundland) for every tenner that was saved for his Oz tin I would put a tenner in Tigerlily's tin. It will take twice as long to save for his holiday (shame) and you will have sufficient in your tin to take a holiday with friends or family without him. Make sure you get confirmation of which two weeks he will be home with the kids so you can book your holiday.

Maybe then he will see what a prick he us being and that the combined tin funds would pay for something fabulous for the whole family.

PotteringAlong · 24/07/2016 07:17

My DH went to Brisbane on holiday for 10 days without us to see his best friend. It wasn't an issue.

MadameJosephine · 24/07/2016 07:21

I'm flabbergasted, even if you could afford it how can he think it's ok to piss off to the other side of the world for a fortnight and leave you here with four children to care for! He needs to get his priorities sorted out.

timeforabrewnow · 24/07/2016 07:27

potteringalong

Very generous of you - how many kids have you got and what ages are they?

Tezza1 · 24/07/2016 07:59

he is talking about in 12 months time.
I've missed the main point, I know.
However, I live just outside Sydney and the weather can be truly horrible this time of the year. I don't think I've ever been as cold as I have been this June/July, and I've been to Siberia in December/January. So, unless his mate lives in Queensland etc, I'd reconsider my timing.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 24/07/2016 08:06

I'm a bit split on this. My best friend lives abroad and I visit her. Alone. We've been friends for nearly 40 years (Christ on a bike, I'm old!) and we will always be mates.

She lives in Spain though. i visit for 4 days, it's a fraction of the cost. It never takes money from the family to sacrifice levels.

I think your DH could visit, but only when circumstances allow. I wouldn't expect EVERYTHING to be equal to the pound in our house, but I sense that it's the trip and not the friend that's important.

My DH wanted to go to Vegas with mates when the kids were little. It didn't happen. However, France skiing when I was pregnant did. I had the chance to go recently for a 40th and went. I can't see a blanket ban works, but understanding and a realistic outlook on BOTH sides is needed.

Muskateersmummy · 24/07/2016 08:08

Hmmmm I'm on the fence with this one. My dh often takes trips away with the lads. I have no issue with it at all. I could have some time away if I wanted, but I don't. He is currently away for 10 days. It's something he has always done and I have no issue with it at all. But it's not a huge financial burden for us if he goes. I'm not sure I would be happy with him going off to Oz.... Mostly because it's somewhere i would love us to all go together.

BoffinMum · 24/07/2016 08:26

As long as you also get two weeks off to do as you please with him holding the fort then I don't see a problem.

43percentburnt · 24/07/2016 08:36

Agree with others. You get same to spend on 2 weeks away whilst he looks after the children. When he argues oh but it'll be cheap, no accommodation etc - tell him you accept that and will only spend the same amount. He is an arse.

Original poster
tigerlilly0404 · 24/07/2016 08:39

thank you all so much for your posts and views!!! yes money and time put aside it's actually somewhere we have always talked about visiting together once the kids have flown the nest so that's bothered me a bit, our 14 year old DC has asked him if he would take her as it's somewhere she's always wanted to go, u can't imagine his reply! NO (not that this was even a reality)
I said his 'friend' it's more his work colleague who I met once or twice so no life long friend or anything!!!!! hahahaha I really don't think he would like it if I went away for 2 weeks on my own!! I went away for a night for a certain 'big birthday' that my friends had arranged and he kicked up a right fuss about having to change his hours at work so he would be home with the DC (we don't have any family who can step in to help, it's solely me and him!)

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 24/07/2016 08:40

No, he can't go. When his mate comes back to visit the uk he can go off for the weekend.