to wonder when this 7YO will stop behaving like a 3YO

[snottagecheese]

So my DD (also 7) can be a pain in the ass with other kids from time to time (all children can, right?), which in her case - and, I think most 7YOs - means she can be stroppy and sulky and say mean things. But she has a friend/classmate who, quite honestly, behaves like a toddler at the drop of a hat. By which I mean that everything is unfair, everyone is mean to her, she whinges constantly and always wants adults to come and tell their kids off for not being nice to her or not letting her join in with everything they do. She has huge, screeching, incoherent, snot-streaming-down-the-face meltdowns, and it absolutely does my head in. She is NT, before anyone asks, and has no particular issues that I'm aware of as I know her mum quite well. When she was like this as a 3YO I simply put it down to her age, but 4 years later she responds in much the same way to anything that doesn't go her way (so it seems). I'm aware that maybe I'm being unreasonable because my DD is so different to her and older than her years (not a stealth boast, honestly, just trying to be frank), and I guess when I try to respond to her friend's behaviour I use similar tactics to those I'd use with DD - i.e. come on, what's actually wrong, let's sort it out and generally quite no nonsense. Should I try to be more gentle/understanding, or is this really just a bit ridiculous for a 7YO and am I justified in thinking that at this age it's okay to think 'Oh FGS...'

I am prepared to be flamed

You've said your child says mean things and this girl is coming to you saying she's not being nice so maybe she isn't? And I'm not sure what the problem is with you being expected to tell your child off for not being nice - most parents do.

Yes, I think she is mean sometimes (and when I know she's been mean I always pull her up about it), but often 'not being nice' just means she's said something the other child doesn't like/agree with and is the kind of thing that you'd expect (at this age) that kids would work out between themselves IYSWIM. And I totally agree about telling your kids off for not being nice (see above). I'm just not sure what to do/say when DD doesn't want to play a particular game or include the friend in a particular game or has been dismissive but not actually mean and it results in a meltdown on the friend's part.

If you know she hasn't done anything wrong then it's her parents issue to deal with but I personally wouldn't allow my kids not to include a friend in a game for no reason other than meanness.

Well, they don't seem to get on that well do they? Maybe discourage the friendship?

What if it isn't meanness exactly, just that you don't feel like someone else joining in with you and another friend in a particular secret/plan, etc? I'm with you in a sense - I don't like exclusion and was always shy as a kid and sometimes felt left out, but can you force kids to include others when they don't want to? When you say you "wouldn't allow it", what do you do to make them include others? (Genuinely interested, btw.)

So she hasn't matured socially in 4 years? Time will tell if there really are no issues.

Bastard - no, you have a point. But they are in the same class, have mutual friends, and it's the kind of class where lots of the parents are friends so there are frequent occasions where all the kids are together outside of school etc.

Hey, give her a break. Some kids are just really sensitive, they don't choose it and can't help it but they do behave the way you've described. On top of that these sensitive kids are often disliked by other adults, including teachers, because they don't get why they can't just behave like other kids their age. so yeah, yabu a bit.

fanjo - do you think there's something there? I have wondered, occasionally, but kind of assumed it would have manifested itself by now (whatever it might be). That's kind of why I posted, I guess - because I find the behaviour extreme but wondered if it's only because it's very different to my own DC's responses.

I think fanjo might have a point. Lack of appropriate social maturity is definitely a red flag.

My niece is like this aged 5 but I too fully expect her to grow out of it. If she does not I would actually be concerned.

I can't of course say but sometimes these things grow more obvious as kids get older and the gap grows wider. I hope not, hopefully she is just a late developer. Whatever the reason, sounds like she needs some support with her social skills anyway.

I would not let my child (who is 8) exclude another from a "secret/plan". I think that IS mean and gives permission to bully and exclude as an experimentation with power.

I can't say whether this child's reaction is appropriate for her age or proportionate but from the little information you've given I get the impression you are condoning behaviour in your own DD that I would find utterly unacceptable. I'd look at your own child's behaviour first.

it is quite likely that she is as yet undiagnosed. does not mean that your dd has to play every game her way, just cut her a bit of slack with the meltdowns and stop bloody commenting on it as it is incredibly hurtful to any parent s who have children with SNs

Also, I've more than once heard the description from parents whose children are being accused of unkindness of "kids just need to work things out between themselves".

Thisisnot - what if there were lots of other kids/classmates around but it was just a couple who were doing their own thing and didn't want to include others (not just this particular child)?

Metal - how would you advise responding to particularly sensitive children, i.e who get very upset, almost hysterically so - what's the best way to calm them?

Susan - do you mean don't comment on it IRL? I don't, and I haven't. I'm only commenting on it here because I'm genuinely wondering what the appropriate response is. If there is a SN issue here then of course IBU. I just don't know if there is, which is why I'm interested in input from people who are likely to have more insight than me.

I don't like exclusion either, don't get me wrong. Often it's tantamount to bullying, and that is completely unacceptable. But when it's in the playground and there are other classmates around to potentially play with, is it the same as when there are just three of them?

Yes it feels just as bad..have experienced it.

Exclusion is bullying really

Obviously when kids are 7 they're not consciously being mean but it should very discouraged IMHO

Sorry, it should *be.

If it was just say 3 playing together and my dd was whispering and sharing secrets and leaving the other one out I would remind her that that's not very friendly and if it continued she'd be coming to stand/sit with me and think about her behaviour. It doesn't sound like either your dd or this other girls social skills are great tbh.

Me too fanjo, at a similar age to DD and her friend - but in my case it was a group of girls that I'd been a part of for a couple of years whose 'queen bee' suddenly decided that they didn't want me in their gang any more. This scenario is a bit different in that DD and her friend are just classmates.

Exclusion is how girls of 7 bully.

I have always made it very clear to my DDs that if they are playing a game and another child asks if they can join in the answer is yes.

By focusing on this other child's reaction (which to be fair it doesn't sound like she handles being excluded very well) you are avoiding dealing with your own child's unkind behaviour. THAT should be your focus.