to wonder when this 7YO will stop behaving like a 3YO

[snottagecheese]

So my DD (also 7) can be a pain in the ass with other kids from time to time (all children can, right?), which in her case - and, I think most 7YOs - means she can be stroppy and sulky and say mean things. But she has a friend/classmate who, quite honestly, behaves like a toddler at the drop of a hat. By which I mean that everything is unfair, everyone is mean to her, she whinges constantly and always wants adults to come and tell their kids off for not being nice to her or not letting her join in with everything they do. She has huge, screeching, incoherent, snot-streaming-down-the-face meltdowns, and it absolutely does my head in. She is NT, before anyone asks, and has no particular issues that I'm aware of as I know her mum quite well. When she was like this as a 3YO I simply put it down to her age, but 4 years later she responds in much the same way to anything that doesn't go her way (so it seems). I'm aware that maybe I'm being unreasonable because my DD is so different to her and older than her years (not a stealth boast, honestly, just trying to be frank), and I guess when I try to respond to her friend's behaviour I use similar tactics to those I'd use with DD - i.e. come on, what's actually wrong, let's sort it out and generally quite no nonsense. Should I try to be more gentle/understanding, or is this really just a bit ridiculous for a 7YO and am I justified in thinking that at this age it's okay to think 'Oh FGS...'

I am prepared to be flamed

I don't think this thread is horrible at all. I think there have been some very interesting contributions that have been food for thought.

My dd had a friend like that at school and we all encouraged our children to include her, especially as there were only six girls in the class and we knew the back story. However my first reaction on reading the OP was that this was a child who was used to using these techniques to get adults to interfere on her behalf. Which would not anyway be a criticism of the child. Children learn all the time and if you learn that a certain behaviour gives you results, you repeat it.

This is all very interesting - thank you for the responses. What's coming through most strongly is that I need to be kinder and less judgemental, so that's what I will strive for. I guess it's true that because my DD - and other of her friends/classmates - respond in a more "age appropriate" way then I find it hard to understand/deal with the exception - but that's my problem, I guess. She's just maturing slower. I do agree with Atenco though in that I think it's true that she's used to behaving this way to get adults to intervene for her because she knows it gets results. Not that that's a criticism in itself, it's just that because she's upset she looks to a solution that she knows will help. But I'd argue that it's not great for her, because I think the other kids resent her for it.

Tbf your dd may be behaving in a more appropriate way re emotional outbursts but in terms of the whispering secrets and leaving a friend out that sounds like the behaviour of a much younger child. I think you need to stick to dealing with your dd and let the other girls parents worry about her.

Bumsex who said anything about whispering secrets? Not me. That was someone else upthread. I think I mentioned a ''secret plan' - not something that happens all the time, just an example I was thinking of where there were 8 girls at the park, 4 who had been off doing their own thing for a while - hatching a 'secret plan', it turned out, and the other 4 who had been playing together. Girl in question then went over to the other 4 and at that point they were reluctant to let her join in something they'd been involved in for a while.

If there had been only 3 or 4 of them at someone's house, at a playdate, and the 2 or 3 wanted to exclude the fourth from whatever they were doing, that would be not on and I would absolutely not allow it.

I'm not trying to make out my DD is perfect, btw - of course she isn't. But I have witnessed this behaviour (as described in my OP) many times, sometimes when my DD isn't directly involved and a few times when she hasn't even been there. So that's why my posts are asking about how to respond to/understand the other girl, rather than focusing on my DD. When my DD is involved then I always intervene to make sure she isn't being unkind.

Just pointing out that while you suggest this other child 'behaves like a 3 yr old' kids mature at different things at different rates. I have a daughter the same age so know a lot of girls of that age and imo excessive crying OR meanness are not things I've seen in any of them for a few years. I really don't think it's your place to decide what to do about this other child. Would you expect this other girls parents to be working out what they can do about your dd being mean? I'm sure you wouldn't. So you should focus on that and they can focus on building emotional control in their dd (or encouraging different friends).

Oh god, I'm not trying to decide 'what to do' about the other child - not my place and I wouldn't dream of trying to get involved in how she behaves. I was just trying to figure out how best to respond when she gets very upset and I'm the one (or one of the ones) who needs to help (if one of her parents isn't there, I mean).

I do wish I hadn't said anything about DD being mean. Unless I'm being totally delusional (which is possible), I don't think she's meaner than any other kid, particularly. I simply meant that when she does have a falling out with another child, it's in the form of being stroppy rather than lots of tears and screaming. That's why I don't know the best way to deal with the latter behaviour, because I don't encounter it from DD (or other children of her age) in a similar scenario. She does get very cross and yell at us at home sometimes, that's another issue, but it's confined to family members and is in private not in public.