I've namechanged for this.
DH and I have been together for 12.5 years now, married for almost 8. DS has just turned 1.
DH and I have very different personalities. I'm outgoing ,chatty and quite messy. My approach to household tasks tends to be "stick to the essentials" and I grew up in a house full of clutter so I'm not necessarily bothered by it. DH is very shy, (my best friend was convinced for the first year we were together that DH hated him, he didn't, he just didn't know how to talk to him) and can get to be a little obsessive about tidiness (he has been known to come and get me from another room to show me that I had put a glass in the wrong place on the shelf of the cupboard - right cupboard, right shelf but it should have been 5 cm to the left because that's where the other glasses go...). Pretty much throughout our relationship, this has caused arguments, usually when he was particularly stressed about something else, but they've never lasted long.
Just to be very clear, our house is not dirty, I do not live in squalor but the glass in the cupboard is pretty representative. I really do make an effort to try and keep things how he likes them but my brain is just wired differently. I can't seem to remember this level of detail.
When we found out I was pregnant (not planned) we decided 3 things:
- firstly, we were finally going to get our arses in gear and move to a city half way accross the country, like we'd been saying we'd like to for years, with the aim of being settled there by DS's first birthday
- secondly, the easiest way for me to do this would be to put in a transfer request immediately upon returning to work after my maternity leave when the law here means that they have to have a VERY good reason for refusing said request (which they wouldn't have), and
- thirdly, DH would take parental leave at the end of my maternity leave so that we could avoid jumping through the hoops to find child care (which was a nightmare where we used to live) only to change a few months later and so that he could take care of the preparations for the move.
The third thing was his idea but a joint decision. He was paid a token amount for the first 6 months and could take an extra 6 months unpaid. We agreed that my salary was enough for us to live on without dipping into our saving for living expenses (although the moving costs etc came out of savings) and that it was an acceptable trade off that would make the move easier and also avoid him having to work out any notice on his old job as the conditions of parental leave mean that you can quit your job at any time during the leave without notice. It also had an extra advantage for him - he hated his job and hoped to use his leave to think about what he really wanted to do.
So, we had a plan. DS was born, I had my maternity leave and went back to work in September after a few weeks when he was on holiday so the three of us were together. I put in my transfer request on my first day back and signed the transfer papers in early January with an effective date of March 1st.
In the first few weeks after I went back to work, DH really struggled with being at home all day with the baby. There was clearly a huge gap between what he had been expecting and the reality of taking care of a 4 month-old baby all day. He felt that he wasn't able to "get anything done" during the day and was frustrated. I tried to be supportive and to help him accept that when you have a small baby, you have to adapt your expectations and that some days just getting everyone clean, dressed and keeping them fed is an achievement in itself. Gradually, he adapted to his new way of life and we settled into a rythm (although there were times when he would SCREAM down the phone at me if I called to say that I was leaving work after 6pm on the dot).
The month leading up to the move was tense because there were a lot of things to sort out and we didn't have any help (my parents live far away, his parents aren't reliable and we didn't have any friends we felt we could ask). He became increasingly more irritable and would complain bitterly about having to do "everything". I kept my head down, got on with what had to be done and told myself that things would be better once we were settled.
We moved in March and I started my new job immediately. I'm a management consultant so I can't really enforce strict office hours but I have done my best to reduce the time I spend out of the house, working from home whenever possible and cutting my hours down as much as possible. This has caused me some problems in my job but I'm dealing with them.
We've settled into a routine which goes as follows:
I get up at 7am, get DS up and change his night time nappy, give him his breakfast bottle and play with him for a little while. At 7.30, I put him in his playpen while I have my shower and get dressed. If DH is around at this time, he will let DS out of the playpen and keep an eye on him while he plays. If he isn't around, DS stays in the play pen.
Once I'm dressed, I change DS again after his morning poo, get him dressed then wash his bottle and any other washing up left over from the evening before. I also empty the nappy bin and cat litter and take any bin bags out with me as I leave.
I leave the house at 8.30.
During the day, DH takes care of DS, does any shopping that needs to be done (we get a delivery from the local supermarket but he goes to the market for fruit, veg and meat) and when necessary he batch cooks meals to be frozen for DS. He also does any housework he thinks needs to be done and deals with household paperwork.
I leave work at 6pm and am home at 6.45. When I get home, I give DS his bath if he hasn't had one during the day, give him his evening meal and bottle and put him to bed then tidy away his toys. If I see that it needs doing, I'll also push the hoover around.
DH usually prepares the meal but I make sure that I do it at least once during the week.
Before I go to bed, I chek the washing pile and, if needed, programme a machine to run in the early morning. The next day, I'll hang this washing out.
On weekends, I do all of the child care (DH will play with DS but doesn't change any nappies or give him any of his meals unless I specifically ask him to). I cook at least 2 meals over the weekend and also make at least one batch of meals for DS and a batch of teething biscuits. I also hoover up at least once over the weekend, do all the washing up and will do any other houswork if I notice that it needs to be done or if DH asks me to. DH takes at least 2 hours on both days to go out for a drive/walk/bike ride on his own.
This is turning out to be really long so I'll get to the point.
We've been bickering more and more, usually started by him because he has to "do everything". He says that I treat him like a maid and that he is sick of me not pulling my weight. This usually starts over something trivial. This morning, it was because he knocked over a dish that I had left on the counter in the kitchen and he had to get the hoover out. He went on a massive rant about how useless I am, raking up stuff that happened over 10 years ago and blatantly refusing to accept that I do anything. When I tried to point out what I do he called me a pathological liar and just carried on yelling.
I know that being at home with a small child is not easy and I know that he has had trouble adapting. I know that I'm lucky in that a lot of men wouldn't accept to do as much as he does but I'm sick of being made to feel like an anchor, weighing him down.
I've been thinking about leaving for a while now but have been putting it off, telling myself that things will get better when DS starts at crèche (he started this week) and DH can start looking for a new job and get back to some semblance of normality but now I'm starting to realise that might not be enough.
If I'm honest, I think I actually do quite a lot. For me, if a family decides that one parent will go out to work and the other will stay at home, it is normal that the parent staying at home will do more of the household tasks. I feel like I am pulling my weight but he thinks I'm taking him for granted and I think it is only going to get worse when DS starts at crèche full time and DH is at home all day looking for work.
In the mean time, I spend my waking day taking care of DS or at work, with perhaps one hour of down time in the evening. I haven't had a haircut since the week before I went back to work in September because doing so would mean either asking DH to look after DS for an hour over the weekend or taking more time at lunch (I currently take just 10 minutes to buy and wolf down a sandwich so that I can get my work done and leave at 6).
So, I put it to those of you who have had the courage to get through this mini novel, just how unreasonable am I being to DH?