Could someone please tell me how unreasonable I really am? Having trouble finding perspective

[takinghimforgranted]

I've namechanged for this.

DH and I have been together for 12.5 years now, married for almost 8. DS has just turned 1.

DH and I have very different personalities. I'm outgoing ,chatty and quite messy. My approach to household tasks tends to be "stick to the essentials" and I grew up in a house full of clutter so I'm not necessarily bothered by it. DH is very shy, (my best friend was convinced for the first year we were together that DH hated him, he didn't, he just didn't know how to talk to him) and can get to be a little obsessive about tidiness (he has been known to come and get me from another room to show me that I had put a glass in the wrong place on the shelf of the cupboard - right cupboard, right shelf but it should have been 5 cm to the left because that's where the other glasses go...). Pretty much throughout our relationship, this has caused arguments, usually when he was particularly stressed about something else, but they've never lasted long.

Just to be very clear, our house is not dirty, I do not live in squalor but the glass in the cupboard is pretty representative. I really do make an effort to try and keep things how he likes them but my brain is just wired differently. I can't seem to remember this level of detail.

When we found out I was pregnant (not planned) we decided 3 things:

• firstly, we were finally going to get our arses in gear and move to a city half way accross the country, like we'd been saying we'd like to for years, with the aim of being settled there by DS's first birthday
• secondly, the easiest way for me to do this would be to put in a transfer request immediately upon returning to work after my maternity leave when the law here means that they have to have a VERY good reason for refusing said request (which they wouldn't have), and
• thirdly, DH would take parental leave at the end of my maternity leave so that we could avoid jumping through the hoops to find child care (which was a nightmare where we used to live) only to change a few months later and so that he could take care of the preparations for the move.

The third thing was his idea but a joint decision. He was paid a token amount for the first 6 months and could take an extra 6 months unpaid. We agreed that my salary was enough for us to live on without dipping into our saving for living expenses (although the moving costs etc came out of savings) and that it was an acceptable trade off that would make the move easier and also avoid him having to work out any notice on his old job as the conditions of parental leave mean that you can quit your job at any time during the leave without notice. It also had an extra advantage for him - he hated his job and hoped to use his leave to think about what he really wanted to do.

So, we had a plan. DS was born, I had my maternity leave and went back to work in September after a few weeks when he was on holiday so the three of us were together. I put in my transfer request on my first day back and signed the transfer papers in early January with an effective date of March 1st.

In the first few weeks after I went back to work, DH really struggled with being at home all day with the baby. There was clearly a huge gap between what he had been expecting and the reality of taking care of a 4 month-old baby all day. He felt that he wasn't able to "get anything done" during the day and was frustrated. I tried to be supportive and to help him accept that when you have a small baby, you have to adapt your expectations and that some days just getting everyone clean, dressed and keeping them fed is an achievement in itself. Gradually, he adapted to his new way of life and we settled into a rythm (although there were times when he would SCREAM down the phone at me if I called to say that I was leaving work after 6pm on the dot).

The month leading up to the move was tense because there were a lot of things to sort out and we didn't have any help (my parents live far away, his parents aren't reliable and we didn't have any friends we felt we could ask). He became increasingly more irritable and would complain bitterly about having to do "everything". I kept my head down, got on with what had to be done and told myself that things would be better once we were settled.

We moved in March and I started my new job immediately. I'm a management consultant so I can't really enforce strict office hours but I have done my best to reduce the time I spend out of the house, working from home whenever possible and cutting my hours down as much as possible. This has caused me some problems in my job but I'm dealing with them.

We've settled into a routine which goes as follows:
I get up at 7am, get DS up and change his night time nappy, give him his breakfast bottle and play with him for a little while. At 7.30, I put him in his playpen while I have my shower and get dressed. If DH is around at this time, he will let DS out of the playpen and keep an eye on him while he plays. If he isn't around, DS stays in the play pen.
Once I'm dressed, I change DS again after his morning poo, get him dressed then wash his bottle and any other washing up left over from the evening before. I also empty the nappy bin and cat litter and take any bin bags out with me as I leave.
I leave the house at 8.30.
During the day, DH takes care of DS, does any shopping that needs to be done (we get a delivery from the local supermarket but he goes to the market for fruit, veg and meat) and when necessary he batch cooks meals to be frozen for DS. He also does any housework he thinks needs to be done and deals with household paperwork.
I leave work at 6pm and am home at 6.45. When I get home, I give DS his bath if he hasn't had one during the day, give him his evening meal and bottle and put him to bed then tidy away his toys. If I see that it needs doing, I'll also push the hoover around.
DH usually prepares the meal but I make sure that I do it at least once during the week.
Before I go to bed, I chek the washing pile and, if needed, programme a machine to run in the early morning. The next day, I'll hang this washing out.
On weekends, I do all of the child care (DH will play with DS but doesn't change any nappies or give him any of his meals unless I specifically ask him to). I cook at least 2 meals over the weekend and also make at least one batch of meals for DS and a batch of teething biscuits. I also hoover up at least once over the weekend, do all the washing up and will do any other houswork if I notice that it needs to be done or if DH asks me to. DH takes at least 2 hours on both days to go out for a drive/walk/bike ride on his own.

This is turning out to be really long so I'll get to the point.

We've been bickering more and more, usually started by him because he has to "do everything". He says that I treat him like a maid and that he is sick of me not pulling my weight. This usually starts over something trivial. This morning, it was because he knocked over a dish that I had left on the counter in the kitchen and he had to get the hoover out. He went on a massive rant about how useless I am, raking up stuff that happened over 10 years ago and blatantly refusing to accept that I do anything. When I tried to point out what I do he called me a pathological liar and just carried on yelling.

I know that being at home with a small child is not easy and I know that he has had trouble adapting. I know that I'm lucky in that a lot of men wouldn't accept to do as much as he does but I'm sick of being made to feel like an anchor, weighing him down.

I've been thinking about leaving for a while now but have been putting it off, telling myself that things will get better when DS starts at crèche (he started this week) and DH can start looking for a new job and get back to some semblance of normality but now I'm starting to realise that might not be enough.

If I'm honest, I think I actually do quite a lot. For me, if a family decides that one parent will go out to work and the other will stay at home, it is normal that the parent staying at home will do more of the household tasks. I feel like I am pulling my weight but he thinks I'm taking him for granted and I think it is only going to get worse when DS starts at crèche full time and DH is at home all day looking for work.

In the mean time, I spend my waking day taking care of DS or at work, with perhaps one hour of down time in the evening. I haven't had a haircut since the week before I went back to work in September because doing so would mean either asking DH to look after DS for an hour over the weekend or taking more time at lunch (I currently take just 10 minutes to buy and wolf down a sandwich so that I can get my work done and leave at 6).

So, I put it to those of you who have had the courage to get through this mini novel, just how unreasonable am I being to DH?

OP I read all of your post but only a few replies.

Re the glass...my first thoughts were he sounds like he on the Autistic Spectrum.
It could be why he struggles because babies are unpredictable.
I think you are doing plenty. I was a SAHM until baby four when I was full time at college and we decided I would continue. It was a shock to DH to look after her full time. I had a child minder when he was at work. Unusual work pattern, not daily. The house wasn't as tidy because he couldn't play with her and do the housework. Despite the fact he had expected it from me for the other three Dcs.
Think long and hard before you do anything. Perhaps see how it goes with him in the crèche. If in six months time there is no change then perhaps make a decision then. It isn't an easy choice.

The first comment sums it it. He's an insufferable twat!

You do LOADS, way more than your fair share. He gets tw days 'off' at the weekend, when are your 'two days off'?

Don't even ponder this anymore - simply work out your exit plan. Be smart. Play the long game, get him back to work and in a routine which shows YOU do the lions share of the parenting. Then leave. Or get him to. Go for EOW if you can get it. He will get worse & worse with DS as he gets able to 'tidy up' his toys etc and the less time DS has to spend with him the better. He's abusive, unrealistic, wanker.

Forgot to say, re:

(although there were times when he would SCREAM down the phone at me if I called to say that I was leaving work after 6pm on the dot).

When I was SAHPing full time with a demanding baby, being told that DH would be unexpectedly late had me absolutely frantic. On bad days you're counting down to the WOHP's return from ... well, from their departure tbh. This is part of what makes me think he is unhappy and possibly ill.

Other behaviours described in the OP are obviously abusive but I don't think this is.

YANBU you are doing your share. There were a few things in your post that made me wonder if DH might have ASD, the glass incident particulary.

My ex-DH was like that. His OCD got worse as the years went by, and he convinced himself that he was doing all the house work, even though in reality it was more like a 40/60 split. I worked longer hours, do had less time for it. Plus I didn't care if all cups were pointing in the same direction.

Since we split up, I have lifted such a weight of my shoulders. I was always worried that my DS would end up picking on his behaviour and end up the same. Now DS and I live alone. I am extremely busy and money is more tight, but gosh, we are relaxed. Even if the cups are all pointing backwards

He is making her job bloody difficult, he's screaming down the phone at her, he's calling her lazy, he's calling her a pathological liar.

This is not 'on the spectrum'
This is not 'adjusting to being a SAHP'

This is abusive behaviour from a wanker that's not about to change a time soon!

There are a few parallels to your situation in ours, OP. We have a 10mo (plus two older dc, both at school) and recently did a major relocation for dh's job. He works FT, longish hours, I usually work PT but am on mat leave. Dh took a month's parental leave at the end of his old job to prepare the move.

I nodded withrecognition at your h's frustration at not getting anything done during the day. I have a non-sleeping baby whose daytime naps are short to say the least (I am typing this painstakingly with one hand). There was soooo much admin to do both pre- and post-move, there's the older two's routines, activities etc and I do sometimes get frustrated and cross when dh turns up late from work, esp if he hasn't phoned to let me know. I do not, I repeat not, scream at him, though, and I am very, very supportive of his hours (high-responsibility job dealing with people in crisis so I know he will rack up overtime like nobody's business).

In the mornings dh gets up with the boys, does their breakfast and packed lunches etc, sorts himself out then wakes me and looks after dd while I deal with washing and ensure the boys have what they need etc. He also usually unloads the dishwasher. He'll often get a food shop on his way home from work. Cooking is about 50/50 overall, perhaps slightly biased towards me (as he's not always home in time) - I am the main meal planner but he'll make suggestions too. He deals with the cat litter, we sort the kitchen together, I read to the boys and supervise bedtime. At weekends I usually get a lie-in and we do whatever needs to be done together. We go out as a family, or he will take the boys out and I'll do something with dd.

I actually think that my dh pulls more than his weight and I'm very lucky. Your dh also gets a very easy ride. Perhaps the comparison with us will help you see how unbalanced things are. It feels a little to me as if you are tying yourself in knots to get everything done and keep him happy while he - sorry - takes the piss. He's got you where he wants you - doing all the paid work, dancing around him giving him time to himself, potentially facing residency issues should you leave him.

He needs to go back to work. Then I think you need to make plans to leave. I'd be looking into legal advice now. If your ds is in nursery FT and you can prove you do most of the hands.on childcare at home (keep a diary), he may not be considered the main carer.

My ex was 'shy' too. What I mean by that is that he was an outright dick to me but curbed that trait in front of others to the point where he was devoid of personality and very difficult to be around socially.

Your partner sounds very controlling and resentful. The way I see your division of labour is that you do the parenting before and after work and at weekends, on top of your full time role where you barely take breaks so that you can get back as early as he'd like. He parents while you work, brings your cleaning up to his own standards, does most (but not all) of the cooking and does what he likes at weekend as the parenting baton gets handed to you when you're home.

That's not equal. And he has a nerve trying to say you don't do enough. Sadly, because of the frog marching incident over the glass, I don't believe this is early baby stress that can be sorted. Seems like this is just who he is. And I don't know many people who'd put up with it. None who have a decent amount of self respect, certainly.

I'm a sahm. There are times when i've been overwhelmed and cried and been cross that DH was delayed. That doesn't make me a bitch or an abusive twat - i was desperate.
Your DH sounds like he has depression and possibly is on the spectrum. I can also relare to the glass being in the wrong place scenario. He needs help.
Obviously you are bearing the brunt of it which can't be nice. Can you see him as being ill and bundle him down to the Dr?

Interesting how different people get different impressions from the same post.

Nowhere does it say he "marched" her to the kitchen and "poured shame" on the OP for putting a glass out of place. Personally I thought it sounded like something a person with an ASD or OCD might do.

I think it is finding being a SAHP stressful and he is not suited to it. This is what needs to be addressed first - sort out child care so your DH can get a job. Then let things settle and see how it goes.

It sounds awful at the moment, but if things were great before, I wouldn't run away just yet.

One of the things I found hardest about becoming a mum was accepting a degree of lack of control at home, as DC wasn't predictable. Perhaps the glass thing is a symptom of this, as it is controllable?

I agree with PP that he needs to get back to work asap, as clearly he is not cut out to SAH.

Do you know any other families where you are, so he can see that he is not being exploited you spending some time together?

I'd give it time. If after things have settled down and he is working again, he still feels he is a victim, I'd be strongly tempted to walk away. Working full time and having a baby is hard enough without having to factor a man child into the equation as well.

He reminds me a bit of my DH who I strongly suspect has mild ASD / Aspergers.
Put facts in front of him, write a list of all the jobs you do. See how he reacts to that.

^^ what Chaz said. OCD, withdrawn, easily stressed, likes to have full control, has outbursts if you break routine. The very first thing that came to mind was Aspergers. Also the suggestion of writing down a full list of tasks sounds very helpful.

I'd strongly encourage your DH to get a job - play the long game, tell him you think he'll feel more fulfilled and happier when he is back at work (which he may do anyway).

At the minute if you divorce you're likely to have to pay him maintenance and he is likely to have more time with your DS.

I guess I'll be the one to say the glass incident was perfectly reasonable. It's not difficult to put something in the "right" place, according to someone else, once you've been told they're bothered.

The idea that calling someone from another room to relocate a glass is unreasonable is based on the idea that it would be a regular occurrence. That the glass is going to repeatedly be put in the wrong place, and he's going to then repeatedly raise is as an issue. He's making the (apparently wrong) assumption that telling someone who's supposed to love you once about something that bothers you, that costs them virtually nothing to change, will stop them doing it for the next 50 years you are together.

That aside, I think someone who has that level of anxiety about order is not cut out to be a SAHP, and I'm very surprised they thought they could do it.

OP, the problem is very much with your DH. He appears to have lost all perspective on your lives, and the resentment he has, he feels is justified every time something outside of his comfort zone happens.

A plan.

Why not write down how both of your time is split at the moment and tell him (own it) how you feel. Tell him you are unhappy and you need this to be taken seriously. Give him the opportunity to suggest some changes that will benefit you all. Ask him to be honest about how he really feels.

If he digs his heels/ turns further defensive or ignores or belittles the situation- you probably know what you need to do. Couples counselling may be an option, but you do need to let him know that things can't carry on as they are.

Best of luck.

If you are going to consider divorce then you need a clear plan. As it stands you'd end up in a worse position than you're currently in.

I think he's being unreasonable but I also think staying at home is not for everyone - it can be at times incredibly isolating and tedious. I could personally not do this. Encourage him to look for work.

It sounds more like OCPD to me:

"OCPD has some of the same symptoms as obsessive-compulsive disorder(OCD). People with OCD have unwanted thoughts, while people with OCPD believe that their thoughts are correct.

OCPD is apersonality disorder characterised by a general pattern of concern with orderliness,perfectionism, excessive attention to details, mental and interpersonal control, and a need for control over one's environment, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency."

I read a very good article by a psychotherapist about living with someone with OCPD. It was in response to a woman whose husband has OCPD and they had recently had a baby:

"The hallmark of any personality disorder is a tendancy towards rigidity with regard to coping. It seems safe to say that your husband is having a difficult time adjusting to sharing a home, and in large part the reason for this difficulty seems to be related to his relative rigidity in adapting to the changed circumstances. Marriage, children, pets, etc. requires an identity adjustment from ‘me’ to ‘we’, and it seems like he is having great difficulty entering ‘we’ territory.

In large part, this is an identity crisis that belongs to your husband, even if it also ends up defining the tone of the marriage. The man is almost certainly in a defensive mode and feeling overwhelmed with all the new demands he is needing to adapt to. If you pressure him, he will likely react with more defensiveness, which in his case seems to be manifest as distancing. The more you push him to get close to you; to accept you; the more you are likely to see him pull away.

I don’t think keeping the home perfectly as he desires is a workable solution. You will never be able to achieve this, and even if you could, why would you want to? If you try to be perfect for him, you’ll end up feeling like a second class citizen and likely get resentful at some level. I wouldn’t want to live that way, and don’t recommend it for you either.

I do recommend that you be you, and make yourself comfortable as you can. It is ultimately the only way you have to not become resentful. You need to be able to assert your right to be yourself, but you also need to find compromise with your husband in areas where he cannot tolerate too much of your way of doing things.

One way you might cope with the situation is to negotiate a few spaces within the marriage where he does not need to surrender his identity or way of doing things, and also a few spaces where your way rules. Such spaces might be literal places, like a few rooms in the house that he gets to decorate, clean and keep ordered or disordered as he and he alone sees fit. Such spaces might also be metaphorical, and pertain to more abstract parts of the marriage, such as how the banking will be managed. Many successful marriages function in this manner, with the partners divying up responsibility for different aspects of their shared lives and agreeing that what is in their domain is theirs. Of course, to be successful, such a strategy needs to be reciprocal, with each parter having domains that are theirs. If your husband has trouble surrendering some domains to you, or if you have trouble leaving him domain over other areas of your lives, it won’t work. It’s worth a try, however. If you can make it work, it will work well. If you can’t make it work, you aren’t worse off.

If you are having these problems now, you should realize that you will continue to have these problems (although hopefully in a smaller, less destructive manner) throughout your married lives. All marriages have problems. Successful marriages are ones that find ways to cope with them and where the positive elements of marriage outweight the negative ones."

thanks to everyone who took the time to read and answer my message (well, almost everyone ). I'm at work and there's a bit of a crisis so I've only just managed to catch up.

There are too many posts to reply to each one individually so I'll try and answer the recurring points/questions:

Regarding childcare and him going back to work
DS started at the creche on Monday. So far it isn't going tremendously well so we're trying to ease him in gradually. The introduction process over here is gradual, they do 2 hours with a parent on the first day, then 2 hours on their own, then 2 hours with lunch then a short day 10 - 4 so that there's play time, lunch time and a nap. The first two days went ok but so far he won't eat so we're going to keep trying next week. Something like this is a huge upheaval for DS as since he was born last June, barring one night under observation in the maternity ward and 30 min in the maternity ward nursery while I went for some blood tests on a different ward, he has NEVER been looked after by someone other than me or DH.
Once he's got into the swing of things at creche, the plan is for him to do two short days a week until we go on holiday at the end of August and then go full time when we come back in early September.
DH will then start full time job hunting and will be eligible for unemployment benefits from then until he finds a job, which should help relieve the tension around our finances.

Regarding DH's personality and our mental health
I admit that I have often wondered if he might not be somewhere on the autistic spectrum and I'm convinced that he has mild OCD. I'm also convinced that he is depressed and have suggested several times that he see a doctor.

I had some therapy following a work-related nervous breakdown a couple of years ago and my therapist at the time suggested that DH see someone but he never would.

One of the things that came out of my therapy was the paradox between my high-responsability job that requires a great deal of confidence, charisma, negociation and leadership skills to get things done and the fact that I am often incapable of seeing my value in my private life. Most of this stems back from my childhood but the situation with DH does nothing to help.

Those of you who mentioned self confidence issues hit the nail on the head but if you said that to someone other than DH who knows me in real life, they would laugh you out of town.

I think that those of you who said that he might be feeling guilty might be on to something. He never, ever apologises for anything but when he has done something he knows he ought to apologise for, he tends to seek out things that I have done "wrong". And now you mention it, this morning's blow up over the bowl came after he noticed a really big fuck-up on his behalf last night so there might be something there.

Either way, I completely agree that he needs help.

Regarding the tidiness and associated control issues
the glass in the cupboard thing has happened more than once and every time my reaction has been to laugh at him and walk away.
To those of you who said it isn't such a big deal to just learn where to put the glasses. I agree, but my brain just isn't capable. I know that glasses go in the sideboard, in the left cupboard, wine glasses and champagne flutes go on the top shelf, water/juice glasses and shot/brandy-type glasses go on the middle shelf (water to the left, shot and brandy to the right) beer glasses and any other glasses not listed above go on the bottom shelf. If there is already a glass similar to the one I'm putting away, I'll put them together. Beyond that, I just cannot remeber if the tall ikea glasses go to the left of the recycled mustard jar glasses or if it should be the other way around. My brain just doesn't have space for information like that. I can, however, tell you what we ate for lunch just about any day of my holiday in Greece two years ago. Go figure.

Someone mentionned a dishwasher - that is another constant source of conflict. I don't load it properly apparently. If one plate comes out with so much as a speck of dirt on it, he will put it to one side and insist on showing it to me when I get home from work.

Regarding where to go from here/my exit strategy
As many of you have pointed out, it really is not in my interest to do anything right now due to primary carer and residency/maintenance issues. If I'm honest, that is the sole reason I'm still with him now. My daily mantra has become "first he gets a job, then you get a divorce". Good idea about keeping a diary of care though because something tells me he will push pretty hard to get full custody anyway.
In addition to him getting a job, there are some things I need to sort out at work regarding travel before putting anything in motion. Since moving down here, I've had to make a few day trips back to where we were before to finish up a couple of ongoing projects. I don't want him using that as an excuse to fight me on custody.

At first I was really sad at the idea of ending our marriage. We had a whistlestop start to our relationship and when we aren't bickering over the "right" alignment of a coathanger on a rail, he is my best friend.
We don't really know anyone here yet. I have people I've met through work but the nature of my job means that they are mostly clients rather than colleagues and even among the actual colleagues, there's nobody I feel I can go to with this.
For the past 12 years he has been the person I go to with everything but for around 6 months now we have clearly just been making each other miserable.
For the sake of the past, DS and the custody issues detailled above, I'm going to try and hang on until he finds a job and see if things get better but there's a voice inside me that says that if he isn't capable of recognising what I do now, there's no way he's going to recognise it when he's back at work and is going to feel even more put upon.

I really don't want to add to your worries, but are you sure he'll be entitled to unemployment benefits? He certainly won't get anything income based and presumably hasn't been paying NI contributions for some time...?

Yes, we are sure. We don't live in the UK (didn't mention it in the OP because it isn't relevant to the issue at hand). He has technically been employed for the last year with his employer paying the equivalent of NI and they take the last 5 years of income to calculate the amount he will be paid

Ah! That's good to hear anyway. Sounds like you live somewhere a bit more enlightened than the UK :)

I think you do far too much! He sounds lazy, unappreciative and critical.

During my 9 months of mat leave, I saw taking care of baby and house as 'my' job while DH worked full time. I didn't expect him to get up early with baby to change nappies/feed, or to do much in the evening after a long commute and a stressful work day. Baby was usually asleep by the time he was home. At weekends DH I sometimes took a day off to go and see friends and have some baby-free time, but we shared most of the child-care things equally.
TBH I found it very stressful being home with a baby all day but there are plenty of perks too! Long walks, baby cinema, nap-times, classes, no deadlines to meet or the stress of managing a team!
I work part time now but still more of the nappy-changes/feeds and DH spends more time playing with him at weekends than I do (since he misses out on this when he's at work and also to give me some downtime!) At weekends I just do the basics (feeds, changing nappies, baths, getting him dressed etc) and let DH do the energetic things like playing with him and entertaining him!

I know that glasses go in the sideboard, in the left cupboard, wine glasses and champagne flutes go on the top shelf, water/juice glasses and shot/brandy-type glasses go on the middle shelf (water to the left, shot and brandy to the right) beer glasses and any other glasses not listed above go on the bottom shelf. If there is already a glass similar to the one I'm putting away, I'll put them together. Beyond that, I just cannot remeber if the tall ikea glasses go to the left of the recycled mustard jar glasses or if it should be the other way around.

Who made these rules up? In our house glasses go in a cupboard, if other things are in there we find space in a different cupboard. I could never live with this level of control.