Could someone please tell me how unreasonable I really am? Having trouble finding perspective

[takinghimforgranted]

I've namechanged for this.

DH and I have been together for 12.5 years now, married for almost 8. DS has just turned 1.

DH and I have very different personalities. I'm outgoing ,chatty and quite messy. My approach to household tasks tends to be "stick to the essentials" and I grew up in a house full of clutter so I'm not necessarily bothered by it. DH is very shy, (my best friend was convinced for the first year we were together that DH hated him, he didn't, he just didn't know how to talk to him) and can get to be a little obsessive about tidiness (he has been known to come and get me from another room to show me that I had put a glass in the wrong place on the shelf of the cupboard - right cupboard, right shelf but it should have been 5 cm to the left because that's where the other glasses go...). Pretty much throughout our relationship, this has caused arguments, usually when he was particularly stressed about something else, but they've never lasted long.

Just to be very clear, our house is not dirty, I do not live in squalor but the glass in the cupboard is pretty representative. I really do make an effort to try and keep things how he likes them but my brain is just wired differently. I can't seem to remember this level of detail.

When we found out I was pregnant (not planned) we decided 3 things:

• firstly, we were finally going to get our arses in gear and move to a city half way accross the country, like we'd been saying we'd like to for years, with the aim of being settled there by DS's first birthday
• secondly, the easiest way for me to do this would be to put in a transfer request immediately upon returning to work after my maternity leave when the law here means that they have to have a VERY good reason for refusing said request (which they wouldn't have), and
• thirdly, DH would take parental leave at the end of my maternity leave so that we could avoid jumping through the hoops to find child care (which was a nightmare where we used to live) only to change a few months later and so that he could take care of the preparations for the move.

The third thing was his idea but a joint decision. He was paid a token amount for the first 6 months and could take an extra 6 months unpaid. We agreed that my salary was enough for us to live on without dipping into our saving for living expenses (although the moving costs etc came out of savings) and that it was an acceptable trade off that would make the move easier and also avoid him having to work out any notice on his old job as the conditions of parental leave mean that you can quit your job at any time during the leave without notice. It also had an extra advantage for him - he hated his job and hoped to use his leave to think about what he really wanted to do.

So, we had a plan. DS was born, I had my maternity leave and went back to work in September after a few weeks when he was on holiday so the three of us were together. I put in my transfer request on my first day back and signed the transfer papers in early January with an effective date of March 1st.

In the first few weeks after I went back to work, DH really struggled with being at home all day with the baby. There was clearly a huge gap between what he had been expecting and the reality of taking care of a 4 month-old baby all day. He felt that he wasn't able to "get anything done" during the day and was frustrated. I tried to be supportive and to help him accept that when you have a small baby, you have to adapt your expectations and that some days just getting everyone clean, dressed and keeping them fed is an achievement in itself. Gradually, he adapted to his new way of life and we settled into a rythm (although there were times when he would SCREAM down the phone at me if I called to say that I was leaving work after 6pm on the dot).

The month leading up to the move was tense because there were a lot of things to sort out and we didn't have any help (my parents live far away, his parents aren't reliable and we didn't have any friends we felt we could ask). He became increasingly more irritable and would complain bitterly about having to do "everything". I kept my head down, got on with what had to be done and told myself that things would be better once we were settled.

We moved in March and I started my new job immediately. I'm a management consultant so I can't really enforce strict office hours but I have done my best to reduce the time I spend out of the house, working from home whenever possible and cutting my hours down as much as possible. This has caused me some problems in my job but I'm dealing with them.

We've settled into a routine which goes as follows:
I get up at 7am, get DS up and change his night time nappy, give him his breakfast bottle and play with him for a little while. At 7.30, I put him in his playpen while I have my shower and get dressed. If DH is around at this time, he will let DS out of the playpen and keep an eye on him while he plays. If he isn't around, DS stays in the play pen.
Once I'm dressed, I change DS again after his morning poo, get him dressed then wash his bottle and any other washing up left over from the evening before. I also empty the nappy bin and cat litter and take any bin bags out with me as I leave.
I leave the house at 8.30.
During the day, DH takes care of DS, does any shopping that needs to be done (we get a delivery from the local supermarket but he goes to the market for fruit, veg and meat) and when necessary he batch cooks meals to be frozen for DS. He also does any housework he thinks needs to be done and deals with household paperwork.
I leave work at 6pm and am home at 6.45. When I get home, I give DS his bath if he hasn't had one during the day, give him his evening meal and bottle and put him to bed then tidy away his toys. If I see that it needs doing, I'll also push the hoover around.
DH usually prepares the meal but I make sure that I do it at least once during the week.
Before I go to bed, I chek the washing pile and, if needed, programme a machine to run in the early morning. The next day, I'll hang this washing out.
On weekends, I do all of the child care (DH will play with DS but doesn't change any nappies or give him any of his meals unless I specifically ask him to). I cook at least 2 meals over the weekend and also make at least one batch of meals for DS and a batch of teething biscuits. I also hoover up at least once over the weekend, do all the washing up and will do any other houswork if I notice that it needs to be done or if DH asks me to. DH takes at least 2 hours on both days to go out for a drive/walk/bike ride on his own.

This is turning out to be really long so I'll get to the point.

We've been bickering more and more, usually started by him because he has to "do everything". He says that I treat him like a maid and that he is sick of me not pulling my weight. This usually starts over something trivial. This morning, it was because he knocked over a dish that I had left on the counter in the kitchen and he had to get the hoover out. He went on a massive rant about how useless I am, raking up stuff that happened over 10 years ago and blatantly refusing to accept that I do anything. When I tried to point out what I do he called me a pathological liar and just carried on yelling.

I know that being at home with a small child is not easy and I know that he has had trouble adapting. I know that I'm lucky in that a lot of men wouldn't accept to do as much as he does but I'm sick of being made to feel like an anchor, weighing him down.

I've been thinking about leaving for a while now but have been putting it off, telling myself that things will get better when DS starts at crèche (he started this week) and DH can start looking for a new job and get back to some semblance of normality but now I'm starting to realise that might not be enough.

If I'm honest, I think I actually do quite a lot. For me, if a family decides that one parent will go out to work and the other will stay at home, it is normal that the parent staying at home will do more of the household tasks. I feel like I am pulling my weight but he thinks I'm taking him for granted and I think it is only going to get worse when DS starts at crèche full time and DH is at home all day looking for work.

In the mean time, I spend my waking day taking care of DS or at work, with perhaps one hour of down time in the evening. I haven't had a haircut since the week before I went back to work in September because doing so would mean either asking DH to look after DS for an hour over the weekend or taking more time at lunch (I currently take just 10 minutes to buy and wolf down a sandwich so that I can get my work done and leave at 6).

So, I put it to those of you who have had the courage to get through this mini novel, just how unreasonable am I being to DH?

He's not shy, he's a twat. However, if you leave now I think there's a good chance he would be the resident parent. Now your DS is in childcare can your DH get back to work?

You certainly need to wait until he has a job and a new routine has been in place a few months. Otherwise you could end up losing residency.

Yes,Sleeping with the Enemy crossed my mind too!

It's all very well posters saying they would have left after the glass incident, but OP didn't so she needs to know how to move on here, not be harangued for staying with the man. It might not have been the best decision at the time but she can't change the past.

Your division of labour is off. But in his favour, not yours.

I'm a SAHM. It's exhausting, frustrating and mind-numbing at times. But it's also a huge, huge privilege to be able to take care of my children my way. I enjoy it a lot. He doesn't sound as though he does. It's not for everyone. It sounds as though he's making you his scapegoat rather than admitting he'd rather be anywhere than at home looking after your son.

He doesn't want to be a SAHP, that is very clear - but that's not your fault is it? He shouldn't be taking out his frustration on you. You walk in the door and are engaged and ready to get stuck in - would he be, do you think, if the roles were reversed?

I would say YADNBU. I look after our 10 month old DD while my partner works, and as such I take the lead on all baby and household stuff during the week. He will do odd bits like take out bins, tidy kitchen while I put her down for sleep, and does do bath time a couple of times a week. He looks after her while I have a quick shower in the morning. At the weekend we split it but I try and get housework done during the week so we can do fun stuff together at the weekend.

It's hard to do stuff with a baby, but you sound appreciate and supportive of that, and a bit like me in that you're just happy with stuff being generally clean and tidy.

As per PP, it's really about is he just struggling with full time childcare, which not everyone is cut out for. In which case things will sort themselves out when he gets back to work, or is he an unpleasant man, who doesn't respect or support you? It rather sounds like the latter.

Also I am the first to admit that as tiring as being a SAHP is, I am my own boss. If I feel ill or lazy I stick on Netflix, ignore the housework for a bit and have a nap.

If he's unable to do this due to whatever obsession he has with cleanliness and order (he marched you to the cupboard to pour shame on you about a wonky glass, ffs!) that's also not your fault, and he needs to address it.

Ignoring the glass incident (I'd have laughed and told him to fuck off!)...

Your division of labour in the week sounds fine, but at the weekends you need equal down time.

If he has Saturday morning 'free', you should get the afternoon or Sunday morning. I would enforce that now.

I would wait til he gets back into full time work and then see if things improve. You still need to insist on equal free time though.

If you leave now, he would be seen as the primary carer and could probably dictate residence. If once he's working full time things don't improve, then at least you start on a 50/50 footing.

Its a question of degrees. My DH is more punctilious than me - he will complain if I load the dishwasher badly. To be fair it is usually when it means it won't wash properly. At the same time I am so busy taht I don't always have 10 mins to take a considered approach to dishwasher loading.

We have a perennial grumble about this, in the end we usually agree he tries to not make a fuss and I try to be a bit more careful (for a while).

But the glass thing on the shelf with your DH sounds like a different category of fusspot to me.

I agree it sounds as if you do a lot both in and out of work. It should get easier now your DS goes to the creche though. Does he go for long enough to make it possible for your H to work?

Before you finally decide I would give it a few months to see if things improve when your H gets a job. It doesn't sound as if he is cut out o be SAHD. Baby days are very intensive and you are probably both knackered and stressed and get on each other's nerves at the moment. It's not the best time to be making big decisions.

Also, cynically, if you do decide to divorce in the future, it will improve your position on getting residence if your H is back at work and your DS is in full time child care.

I actually think you do more than enough and more than you should.

What do you mean if DH is not around in the morning when you are getting ready for work? He SHOULD ALWAYS be around.

Screaming at you - NO. Marching you to the kitchen for a glass - NO.

HOWEVER - I too suffer from a really finickiness about being tidy, and it can be crippling, and yes, it does cause problems with the household, I wouldn't march someone to the kitchen though.

I suggest he does need help, and he should not be telling you what to do, it is your house too, and it sounds like you don't have a say.

On dear OP. I think your division of chores sounds ok- pretty normal. But he sounds deeply unhappy being a SAHM. Get your baby in FT childcare pronto and him back to work!

It's very very hard having a small baby. I wouldn't necessary judge your whole relationship on this period

too long to read and answer

I think you're on the wrong forum! This is a place where you'll be told to read a 6 page thread before commenting, and usually with good reason

Agree with dontyou that he is not coping with being a SAHP. If you want to try to work things out then he has to go back to work asap to help fund f/t childcare. The glass incident is prize idiocy and being petty I would have continued to put them back 'incorrectly'.

I don't think your DH is cut out to be a SAHP, he sounds tense and depressed. He also sounds like a twat but sometimes that's a symptom of being tense and depressed. Give him a bit of time to find a job - for two reasons. Firstly, he may brighten up once he is around other adults again. Secondly because if you leave him, he as the most recent SAHP and non working partner may possibly have a claim toward the house and full time residency. I'd get some legal advice on that, and see what proof you have - abusive texts/emails, etc. If you're going to leave him, it's best for both of you to wait until he's back in work. (If he can't cope with his routine now, he wouldn't be able to cope with having the baby alone every other weekend as well as all week.)

Ignoring the glass incident (I'd have laughed and told him to fuck off!)...

If you have a partner who screams down the phone if you can't leave work on the dot, would you feel comfortable telling them to fuck off over broken crockery? I don't think I would...

He sounds like he has really struggled being at home. I know lots of mothers where this is the situation too (only because I mostly knows mums who looked after their babies at home and the relatively few dads I know who did this were of a more relaxed personality type than your dh appears to be).

I expect once he goes back to work it will get better. It will also help to buy some help in if you can - get a cleaner, buy homemade ready meals, shirt service or whatever you need and can afford. Get a dishwasher if you don't already have one.

That doesn't excuse his awful behaviour though and so it might be worth going to counselling before you decide to split.

Some of the behaviour you describe is bloody awful and you shouldn't have to tolerate that. What do you do/say when he goes off on one? Do you tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable? I'm not saying you should have to tell a grown man but I do that circumstances can make normally rational people bloody awful. I suppose it's about where you draw that line.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I was thinking it might be OCD. But wouldn't someone with OCD just put the glass exactly where he wanted it, rather than marching OP into the kitchen - that sounds like controlling behaviour.

OP, I don't think you are lucky at all, and don't see that he does 'that much' seeing he doesn't work also outside the home. It is also worrying that you might think for one minute that you might be unreasonable. It sounds that you have no-one in real life who would give you some perspective like you are getting on here.

I agree with others, you need to play the long game here so you don't risk him getting residency of your child. Wait till he's gone back to work and you've established a routine of DS being in the creche before you do anything.

Wow, I wish my DP was like you. Im a SAHM and i would be very happy to get the weekends 'off'!

I think you need to encourage him to get back to work asap as your first step.

You sound like you are singlehandedly running the household, caring for your dc all the hours that you are not at work as well as working full time! I think your husband is being incredibly unreasonable, if a stronger word isn't needed. Perhaps best thing to do is to establish husband back in a job then consider next move. As a pp said, you don't want to be working full time so he can be a sahp. Tbh you sound well shot of him but maybe the situation is exacerbating his less desirable qualities. I hope your situation quickly improves OP and that you manage to have some time for yourself this weekend.

ok if you want to try and make it work i would:

1. get some childcare and he goes back to work full time
2. get a cleaner or whatever help you need in the house

he clearly isn't cut out to be a SAHP. It isn't easy. Especially if he is stressed about finding a new job / in a new city - lonely, feeling helpless etc?

you can't work less than leaving home at 8.30 and leaving on the dot at 6 in a job such as your's. Don't you have to travel to clients etc?

Lots of very good advice on this thread. What screams out from your OP is that sadly, your marriage may not be sustainable in the long run.

Yes, things may improve when your dc starts creche/preschool/school etc etc. But in the long term, you just sound as if you are so very different with different expectations.

What would happen if another dc came along?

Play the long game. Find out what would happen re residency. As it stands, you may struggle to get 50:50 (depending on where in the world you live, of course).

Start finding out what your legal position is if you split.

Am also a SAHM and think you are doing a lot, specifically on the weekends. I'm also not sure you should have the lion's share of the weekday mornings either, to be honest.

One thing I will sympathise with - carefully - is his reaction if you can't leave work on time. All I will say is that in those first few months there were some days when I was counting down the seconds until dh got home, and if he couldn't, it felt like absolute hell. Not ok to scream at you, absolutely not, all I'm saying is that in that particular instance I can half understand how he might have felt. That is of course not your fault though.

It sounds to me as though you're doing just about everything while you're in the house, and obviously you're not capable of eg washing up while you're not physically in the house.

It is also clear that your standards are very different tbh yours sound similar to if not higher than mine, and I'm the tidy parent in this house.

I'm at a loss to understand what more he thinks you could be doing, given that you're doing everything when you're around, and he acknowledges that it's impossible to anything much when you have your arms full of baby.

It could well be that he just needs to get a job. There's no judgement there, nor does it mean that you should give up yours. Some people just aren't suited to full-time SAHPing me included. I don't get the impression that OP disliked SAHPing, fwiw, just that it wasn't the best financial decision for the family.

In any case I think you should encourage him in the first instance to look at his options, including medical attention for what sounds like anxiety of some kind. If he isn't willing to make any changes to his situation, and insists that you are the one that has to make changes, then that's NOT COOL.

Agree with pps about your being likely to be the NRP in the event of a split. That would be a significant factor for me in how to proceed.