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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To eat cake in front of friends who are on a diet?

101 replies

FireLamp · 21/07/2016 19:17

I made friends with 3 other mums at baby-yoga and we all went for coffee afterwards. In the queue, I recommended the cakes from this particular coffee shop and they all laughed and said they couldn't eat cake as they were trying to lose baby-weight. One added that she is diabetic. They ordered skinny-lattes/flat whites and I ordered a frescato thing with cream and a slice of chocolate cake, without thinking anything of it. I'm underweight and find it hard to gain any, so I always get cake and high-calorie drinks.

They all watched me eat it and kept making slightly sarcastic comments (eg must be nice to be able to eat cake, that cake looks amazing etc) and I started to feel like I'd commited a faux-pass

Was I insensitive? Should I have just ordered a drink? Please be honest, as this is likely to be a weekly thing and I don't want to upset anyone.

If you were on a diet, would it upset you if a friend ate cake in front of you?

OP posts:

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 22/07/2016 01:23

June Maybe that meant support as in being enthusiastic about their diet and not trying to force junk food down them, not refraining themselves. A true friend wouldn't expect someone to not eat cake just because they aren't..

DustyCropHopper · 22/07/2016 01:43

YANBU. and I say that as someone who is overweight but has lost 2.5st so far. When I go out with friends I expect them to order and eat whatever they want, in the same way as I do. Only thing i don't like is when sometimes they put a bit of pressure on to 'have a day off the diet', or make comments on how 'good' I am for making wise weightloss choices. everyone is entitled to eat as they see fit.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 22/07/2016 01:52

Not your fault they chose to be on a diet.
Leave them to it while you enjoy your scrummy piece of cake

DoinItFine · 22/07/2016 01:59

Arguably you were all on diets.

They need to lose weight, you need to gain weight.

ChipsCheeseandIrnBru · 22/07/2016 02:01

I stopped eating in the staff room because I consistently got similar snarky comments about what I was eating. I felt embarrassed about my lunch and any time I brought anything high in calories. If there was cake, even if everyone else was having it, there'd be a pointed comment. "Oh cake, well, I shouldn't, will anyone go halvers on a slice? Oh not chips, she'll have whole piece I'm sure It's fine for you, isn't it?"

It was shit. For a while it made me miserable and self conscious.

Order the cake, eat the cake, don't feel that you need to justify it but I reckon the comments will be made weekly.

Also, thanks a lot, now I'm craving chocolate fudge cake and cream at 2am....trip to the shop in the morning!

Kenduskeag · 22/07/2016 07:53

They sound unpleasant. The sort of people who'd enjoy constantly putting you down to make themselves feel better. It'll start with the cake, then they'll poke your relationship ("oh that sounds NICE, that must be NICE") then your child ("It eats? It sleeps? Gosh what did you do, beat it into submission? That must be NICE")...

You could keep seeing them for fun, I guess, or to practise some comebacks like "God yes, it's delicious, MMMMMMMMMMMM."

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2016 08:27

""Next time they comment, make intense eye contact, lick your spoon/fork and moan in a guttural tone. They'll soon shut up.""

No they won't, they'll stop inviting her.

It's upto you OP, no-one on this thread is the person potentially losing a friendship group.

They are supporting each other, in losing weight. It's no different if they were stopping smoking and you were still lighting up, by them. Accept dieting is more difficult because you can't just not eat.

Isn't it awkward that out of the group you are the only one eating?

Gabilan · 22/07/2016 08:29

June how about some support for the op's food choices? She needs to gain weight, which she won't do if she feels self conscious whenever she eats.

It's so depressing that women obsess about their weight so much that they look for friends who are equally bloody obsessed.

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/07/2016 08:38

Maybe just have a latte or something next time, to play it safe (if you want to keep meeting up with them). On the occasion after that, order a cake and see what happens. It is just possible that they kept commenting today because it's a 'safe' topic to comment on IYSWIM, esp if you don't know each other terribly well. However if they comment to that extent again next time then I'd be

If you do want to keep seeing them, maybe take the opportunity in some conversation or other to note how much difficulty you've had during your life gaining weight and what problems it has caused you. They may be nice enough people who are having a bit of an empathy fail, so you'd be opening their eyes a bit. This is also a good way to distinguish the genuinely nice ones from the meanies

However it should go without saying that they were rude and you were not!!

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2016 08:43

""It's so depressing that women obsess about their weight so much that they look for friends who are equally bloody obsessed""

It a baby group circle. They've only 'looked for other friends' who've had babies. It's not uncommon for Women to want to drop weight, or tone up, after birth. Losing weight is hard going, you've got to focus on it, or it doesn't happen.

These threads surprise me, because no-ones more hated on MN than a fat person, but we're expected to carry out the weight loss, in secret.

marblestatue · 22/07/2016 10:05

If they're expecting you to respect their diet choices, it works both ways and they should respect yours. To moan and make snide comments about what someone else is eating isn't what friends should do.

Gabilan · 22/07/2016 10:13

Birds my comment about women seeking out friends who similarly focus on weight was in response to June's comment that "I was listening to a thing on the radio today about women who were asked what they most wanted in a friend. The number one was someone who supported you when you were on a diet".

It's not a question of trying to lose weight in secret. It's about not criticising other people's food choices. Like the OP, I've been through times when I need to gain weight. At the moment I need to maintain weight. The last time I dropped weight (unnecessarily and unhealthily) was when I was sharing an office with women who were frequently commenting on my eating habits. Every bloody time I put food in my mouth "oh, are you hungry? It's not lunchtime yet" "oh, are you eating again?" "Oh, I don't have lunch". Every fucking time. So I reduced what I ate, which I didn't need to do.

I appreciate that we live in an obesogenic environment. I suspect women bear the worst of this, as their time is so taken up with wife-work and work outside the home that they have much less time for themselves than do men (on the whole). And they bear the worst of it because their appearance is the focus of so much attention. However, whilst comments about what other people are eating are understandable in that context, they're still not helpful, for anybody. If someone wants to restrict their calories, fine. But they shouldn't criticise other people whose dietary needs are different.

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 22/07/2016 14:23

Exactly, it's not about keeping healthy eating a secret, it's about not affecting others with your choices. A friend who gets annoyed if you eat cake in front of them is pretty selfish and self-important. If they are on a diet then they need to learn self control.. Not expect everyone to conform the whole duration until they reach their target weight. And I say this as someone who is always on one!

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2016 15:10

Isn't it awkward that out of the group you are the only one eating?

Why should it be? It's a coffee ago not a restaurant.

Botanicbaby · 22/07/2016 15:58

OP you weren't insensitive and no, you shouldn't have just ordered a drink.

Have whatever you fancy, that's the whole point of going out for coffee & socialising. If this group have a problem with that then they're not worth hanging around with anyway. No-one should police your choices as an adult. I think they were rude commenting on your cake as you were eating it. Please don't let them make you feel self coscious or doubt yourself for ordering it. It's not as if you were trying to tempt them off their diet.

YourNewspaperIsShit · 22/07/2016 18:28

I would have responded to every "must be nice to eat that" with "yes mmmmmm it's delicious!" they want to torture themselves by commenting then let them, they'll soon stop when you've made them think it's cake from god and they're drooling

YourNewspaperIsShit · 22/07/2016 18:30

For what it's worth I have it the other way round, I prefer salads and fresh fruit, I have some stomach problems and a lot of things are sickly to me. So many people say "you on a diet?", "what's with the rabbit food?" very insensitive. People who comment on others food need taught some bloody manners

Pestilence13610 · 22/07/2016 18:48

Fire you are on a diet, just a different one to them.
Keep eating the cake.
If your new friends are serious about losing weight they should switch to Americanos.

I am so happy I have the friends I do. We are all free to have or not have cake as the whim takes us.

Statelychangers · 22/07/2016 18:51

Your new friends were the rude ones. Commenting on someone else's food is just not on.

Thefitfatty · 22/07/2016 18:55

The only thing that annoys me about people who aren't "dieting" is when they push me to eat when I don't want to. Cake, candy, etc. If I say no, I mean no

marblestatue · 22/07/2016 18:59

It's the same with people demanding to know why someone isn't having an alcoholic drink. Why? Just have what you'd like (or not) to eat or drink, and let others do the same.

mumof2kiddos · 22/07/2016 20:23

I would have felt secretly smug at my own self control if I had a skinny latte and my friend ordered for the caramel latte with double cream!!! However I wouldnt have felt offended at her choice (instead secretly pity her thinking the amount of sugar going inside her system)!!!

But yes I get tremendously annoyed if I am nagged to eat some very sugary and fattening stuff which I might not touch with a barge pole in a normal situation. I would seethe in irritation inside but outwardly just try and pretend to eat (read - move around the plate) so as not to offend the host.

Gabilan · 22/07/2016 20:50

I would have felt secretly smug at my own self control if I had a skinny latte and my friend ordered for the caramel latte with double cream

I'm not sure how secret that smugness would have been in reality. Also, I cycle around 100 miles a week in very hilly terrain. My system can cope with a bit of sugar and fat. I've got the self discipline to be active, so I don't need to watch every calorie that goes into my mouth.

However I wouldnt have felt offended at her choice (instead secretly pity her thinking the amount of sugar going inside her system)

Well sugar isn't great for you, no. But you sound very judgemental where other people's food choices are concerned. Being smug, and then pitying? Really? We're all different. I just leave people to it.

mumof2kiddos · 22/07/2016 21:45

Gabilan I am sure your system would cope but I am not AS active as you are and hence have to think twice before putting such things in my mouth. Also this habit has come after learning to control myself and the learning process was a bit difficult for me, so yes, I am a bit proud that I can most of the time exercise the control these days.

Believe me, I wont say against or stop anyone from eating whatever they like to....just that I would make some comments in my own mind....I havent mastered that self control as yet

specialsubject · 24/07/2016 13:10

food bores - enough to make anyone want to run for the hills.

what you eat is not their business. Change the subject forcefully. Or find people with lives and something else to talk about.

of course it isn't rude to eat in front of dieters. No-one is forcing them to eat. And unless they learn that diets always fail and it is about portion control and lifestyle change, they will always be on diets and being very dull about it.

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