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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cousin smacking toddler

83 replies

viviennewestood · 21/07/2016 18:44

Similar to another thread started recently but had forgotten to post until now.

Was visiting my cousin with my almost 2 year old dd yesterday. She has a ds who is 7 months older than dd and he is in the process of being toilet trained.

When he did a wee on the floor my cousin went up to him and smacked his (naked) bum/back area so hard that it knocked him flying and left a hand mark on his skin.

I felt sick when it happened but didn't say anything about it. Was AIBU to just let it go? Is it even my business?

OP posts:

Moonraker37 · 22/07/2016 06:58

I hope you are ok and getting support for what you have going on too. Please do report it though. You are doing the right thing. We need more people like you.

Middleoftheroad · 22/07/2016 07:09

I remember being shocked when a family member did this to her 3yold gor sthg minor. I looked aghast. She said "wait til yours get to this age". Needless to say, when they did, and I had tein toddlers, I never laid a finger on them because I could never, no matter what they did. At the time my cousin and her friend proceeded to chuckle at my OTT disproval. I was staying with her on hol but left early. A few months later we were on a night out, I had a few drinks and told her what I thought.

Middleoftheroad · 22/07/2016 07:09

Twin toddlers!

ChipsCheeseandIrnBru · 22/07/2016 07:22

So this poor boy is only 2 and 7 months and attempting toilet training. That's still early by a lot of people's standards. My son is a similar age and he's the very first of his peers to be trained, he's only tiny young still. Any accident is met with a chat, a hug, clean dry clothes and forgotten about.

I have a new baby too. I understand exhaustion and frustration but to smack a tiny child who has set himself?? To send him flying? Let alone humiliating him with what she said. That's horrific.

Please please report this to someone. She needs re educated at the very least.

Mouseinahole · 22/07/2016 07:52

I wouldn't report it officially but I would tell your cousin how deeply disturbed you were by the incident. She is your cousin, a close relative, you should be able to speak frankly. Tell her she can get help if she is struggling and remind her that what she did borders on abuse and that if she does that again you will have to report it for the sake of the child.

a7mints · 22/07/2016 07:53

I do no agree with spanling but im the imterests of fairness You are not allowed to leave a blister , bruise or welt but a temporary reddening is not classed as abuse

Marilynsbigsister · 22/07/2016 07:56

* Smacking your child is not illegal,* * * When a mark is left, it absolutely is !

You saw a snap shot. You admit you didn't see her regularly. And yet she felt no shame or embarrassment behaving in this way in front of someone she doesn't see often.

All my children went through a phase of deliberately weeing on the floor - end of her tether/different parenting. Oh, that's all right then, she was 'at the end of her tether'

. Just because she parents differently doesn't make her a child abuser. This style of illegal smacking (or as you prefer to down play it, parents differently, ) does make it child abuse, and as the one perpetrating the illegal smacking it absolutely does make her the child abuser. In what universe can this not be the case ?

Complete over reaction to call ss or police over this one incident of course it is, let's just leave well alone, this little boy obviously needs to we whacked to kingdom come by his mother on at least a dozen more occasions in front of witnesses before even thinking about reporting it.

In all my years on MN, Rubblebubble I don't think I have ever read such a post . It read like an apologist for child abuse. Seriously, read the OP, read the post again and give your head a big big wobble.

Having had 8 dcs, I have had moments of 'end of my tether' NEVER would that manifest itself in whacking a toddler who weed on the floor, let alone , so hard 'it sent him flying' It's not 'different parenting styles' it's manifestly 'wrong and abusive ' parenting style and should of course be reported to the police/social services/health visitor/nspcc take your pick, but doing nothing is NOT acceptable.

Doing nothing is what Victoria Calimbias family/neighbours did. Even if you are too scared to be direct, you can make anonymous reports to NSPCC and SS.

randomer · 22/07/2016 08:00

are SS available for an angry Mum with a dubious line in potty training? Or do they have rather more important things on their minds?

Find half an hour away from the children and talk to your cousin. Express you very justified concerns...ask if she is coping...is her partner aware of her behaviour...does she need help....would she like you to involve the HV or other outside services?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 22/07/2016 08:02

are SS available for an angry Mum with a dubious line in potty training? Or do they have rather more important things on their minds?

Like child abuse you mean?

MeridianB · 22/07/2016 09:08

Totally horrified at the incident.
Really shocked that some people are minimising it.
Agree you should call NSPCC/report it.

randomer · 22/07/2016 09:14

yes like child abuse....like children living like rats in the dark,grabbing bread here and there or stealing bird food, or being taken to a doctor who fails to diagnose a broken back.

At least the child is question seems to be with in some sort of net work ,a family unit, an extended family. Doesn't by any stretch of the imagination make any of it right.

Fomalhaut · 22/07/2016 09:41

Smacking your child is not illegal

It is where I live. Ss would remove the child and charge the parents of they witnessed that here.

MermaidTears · 22/07/2016 10:15

op. What did your cousin say to you after it happened....? Did she seemed ashamed she had just lost her rag...or did she carry on as normal? Either way it is so past what is ok! But if she momentarily lost it and seemed remorseful perhaps she needs extra support.

Original poster

viviennewestood · 22/07/2016 11:53

She didn't say a thing. Just carried on as though it was a normal thing to have done and then I left

OP posts:

MermaidTears · 22/07/2016 13:16

That is all the more worrying in my opinion.....it would really upset me to see someone smack a two year old like that

rainchancer · 22/07/2016 19:13

Absolutely disgusting, poor little boy. She's going to have a very nervous frightened child on her hands. Does she really think that's going to help toilet train him, all it'll do is do the opposite.

Original poster

viviennewestood · 22/07/2016 19:36

I reported her earlier today. I feel sick.

OP posts:

LonestarStateOfMind · 22/07/2016 19:46

You have done the right thing.

ailith · 22/07/2016 20:14

Glad you did the right thing. Don't feel bad. Think about that poor little one getting such a terrible slap. Awful.

WaitrosePigeon · 22/07/2016 20:15

You did the right thing, try not to worry.

StarryIllusion · 22/07/2016 21:21

That wasn't a smack, that was a hit. I'd have done my nut. I'm not anti smacking as such, I don't do an face every time I see a child cop one while behaving appallingly but a smack shouldn't send a child flying nor should it be hard enough to leave a mark. That is just abuse. And for wetting? That's whacked! What kind of parent would punish their toddler for an accident anyway? Can you honestly say as a parent, you have ever wanted to hurt your kids? I can't. That is how it should be. If she is willingly hurting them and calling them names, they aren't safe.

Original poster

viviennewestood · 22/07/2016 22:09

I nearly talked myself out of it but I keep having visions of him being knocked off of his feet and the white finger marks on his red skin. He's very small as well so I can't imagine how much it must have hurt him.

OP posts:

StarryIllusion · 22/07/2016 22:39

You did right. Imagine how you would feel if something happened to him. They won't just swoop in and remove the kids. They will offer help and support first. Their preferred result is keeping families together with support if needed.

TotallySpies17 · 23/07/2016 08:38

I bet you did it anonymously too and I bet if she confides in you, after she has ss knocking on her door accusing her of child abuse, you'll be all supportive and not admire it was you- although it'll be abivous from the event described. This could be a huge investigation, especially as son is too young to speak for himself, and jeperdise your wider family relationships.
The kinder and more rational option (but still decisive and wise) would've been to speak to her or another family member first instead of asking advise off a forum of strangers.
You've set things in action that cannot be undone after being egged on by people you don't even know. SS take this kind of allegation very seriously and, as I said earlier, the fact he can't talk about it means it may well be a full child protection investigation. I really hope in your heart that you feel it's that's serious- there are many parenting classes and support options through children's centres etc which don't involve a potential section 47 investigation.

TotallySpies17 · 23/07/2016 08:38

*admit

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