To have contacted this woman?

[OkPookie]

Probably yes. Entirely stupid.

I have a 10-year-old son, I got pregnant at the age of 18 while in the middle of my A-levels. The father who was 21 (looking back) was a complete moron, and going nowhere really at that time in his life. He decided not to have anything to do with our son, and despite contacting him/his family members when our son was born I never heard anything from them and I assume my ex has always denied his existence.

Fast forward 10 years, and ex has another son (aged 5). He pays me maintenance (forced through the CSA), but we have had no contact in all these years. Today I decided to Google him, out of boredom and came across his public social media profile. Apparently ex has started up a business, is no longer the bum he once was, is seemingly the best and most proud father in the world, travels often etc. Not the man boy I knew. Out of nowhere I had a pang of bitterness. The mother of their child was obvious, so on a whim I contacted her to say I had a child with my ex, he was 10 and that perhaps in the future he may contact either his father or sibling and to be aware of this possibility.

I am in a VERY happy relationship with a good man, I'm due to give birth in 4 days. I honestly don't know what came over me! Anyway, her reply was "what am I expecting" from my message, and unless I have any evidence to prove my claim to basically get lost. Obviously there is little point in going backwards and forwards with it, as she will ultimately believe what she wants to.

I just can't believe after 10 years I am feeling so upset over this, I have had so many life experiences and being a dumb teenager is well and truly behind me. I also feel so bad for my son, I can't imagine him ever seeing that himself.

YANBU how awful to know that your ds is being kept a secret, he deserves more. If you had contacted your ex my guess is this would have played into his approach of the last 10 years keeping your son a secret. If my dp had a child I would absolutely want to know - and for them to know that child my kids would have another sibling. Your maternal hormones may have been at a peak level so what - maybe they gave you the courage to tale action. You were one mother contacting another letting her know something very very important about her dc. How she responded is nothing to do with you - yes perhaps a shock but even the most gentlest way of telling her this was going to be difficult your ex had 10 years to tell her the truth. Good for you standing up for your son. Best wishes for the next addition to your family tree.

You are sure that it is the right person?

I feel so sorry for the poor woman :(

One of my male friends was approached via Facebook asking (well saying really) that he was the father of a child. He wasn't- at the time the child was born he lived abroad and had done since childhood - although British he only came to the UK in his 20s. He has a really common name (think Paul Jones) and must have been about the right age. But he certainly wasn't at school with the mother in question in Manchester.

Your narrative has been that he's a loser, a 'bum', not a loss to either you or your child. That makes sense when thinking why he wasn't supportive to you or your child. That's easier to accept.

I don't think you Googled him out of boredom but that's okay. And you saw someone different to who you'd thought. And you saw a woman who seems happy and seems to have what you didn't with your ex- a happy relationship and a present Father to your child. And that understandably made you jealous. Not in a 'I want him way' but in a 'why didn't I and my child get to have this seemingly lovely man and Dad'. Why didn't he do that for me and my child?. You had a useless 'boy' and she's got a 'good man'. You've struggled for years and she seems to have not.

You say there's no point in contacting your ex though that would have been just as easy and would make more sense. But you wanted to hurt her (and hurt him through her). You wanted to take some of that happiness away from her because it wasn't what he offered you. You wanted to destabilise what seems to be a happy family. I understand the bitterness but that's exactly what you wanted to do.

It wasn't a nice thing to do but you know that. The relationship or absence of with your child and his Father was nothing to do with her.

Leave her alone. If she's in a relationship with a fuckwit, that's not your problem or responsibility. Your problem is with her partner and not her.

Enjoy your relationship, your son and your new baby.

I would stop messaging her. Your baby is due to be born in four days.

Do you really need all this shit, right now?

And what if she forgives him but totally supports him wanting contact with his son. Do you really want to be dealing with all that fall out while you have a new baby?

This is what I mean about doing things because you are hurt or out of spite. It bites you in the arse.

Hopefully they will disappear. And I do hope you definitely have the right person.

You could come to regret this for a long time.

Are you able to provide her with proof because to be fair to her at this stage she's been taken for a mug for the last 10 years so I don't blame her for calling you a liar without proof. Especially if it's touch and go how much you and her could have overlapped. I can totally understand why you did it but it would help your DS in the future if you could smooth this over with the mother of his sibling.

Why are you allowed to be happy but she isn't? You should have contacted your ex quietly instead of willingly and intentionally trying to shit stir by contacting her.

I think you did right to message her. These things are best out in the open. No need for secrecy, and I completely understand your curiosity when you googled his name.

You have done good by the way bringing up your child since when you were in the middle of your A'Levels. You do whatever you need to do to help you process what you've been through.

Congratulations on the impending new arrival.
I think you're fine to make contact. If this was reversed and she posted here, we'd all be telling to ask for proof and confront her DH.
Sounds like he has other kids. Send her the photo most looking like your ex, and a copy of the maintainence stuff. I'm guessing of court ordered out of pay then won't show on bank statements

They do say to avoid making any life-changing decisions late on in pregnancy as you're not at your most rational.
But YANBU at all. There's a bond between half siblings even if they've never been introduced. It's good to at least try and let them know the other exists.

Her reaction was pretty poor - I guess the information came as rather a shock! That also shows what kind of person your ex is to not have told her. Those actions are bigger that any false view you get of him from googling. In my opinion you're well clear of him.

Yes I think the woman will initially have been shocked and defensive but she''ll move on from that and take it all in. Something good and positive could come out of it all - and yes there are half siblings out there.

To reply to some of the posts.

My 'ex' was a chronic weed-smoker with no ambition when I knew him. I cannot, and will not ever be able to understand my mindset at the time and my reasons for sleeping with him. I was 17 when we met, as much a fool as he. What I can say, is that he didn't work or study for the first 5 years of my son's life, I received £5 per week in 'maintenance' due to him being on benefits. It wasn't just a narrative, or a way to make myself feel better to believe he was no good. This positive change seems to have come relatively recently. I will accept that what I have seen, isn't necessarily a reality, but I was in a strange way pleased to see he is at least trying to turn his life around, and isn't the same person I remember.

Secondly, I have known about his other child since he was born through a mutual friend. I've had other children since my 10-year-old was born, and have never felt a desire to investigate, look him up or pursue him in any way other than financially.

And last of all, I had no desire to hurt her or ruin her happiness or I would have probably opened up this can of worms a lot earlier. I simply saw this profile and felt frustrated and bitter with the fact that he has hidden and denied our son for so long. Ex's mother died when he was a child, and his father is elderly. If there was someone else to tell I probably would have.

I haven't sent lots of harassing messages, only the one where I said that he had a child, and that child may contact him/any siblings one day. She sent back a few messages, and I have replied with the 'proof' that she asked for via email - pictures of my son, and maintenance letter with his full name. What she chooses to do with that information, if anything is up to her. I have apologised more than once and have no intention of contacting her again, I feel regretful that I didn't think before acting, but on reflection I also feel that someone knowing, is better than no one ever knowing. Perhaps in future something good will come of it, if not it will ultimately make no difference really.

It sounds like you have done the right thing, OP.

'I also feel that someone knowing, is better than no one ever knowing.'

Yes

I think the ex's DP needs to know. Imagine if something happens to ex and he dies intestate. Surely both your DS and his children from further relationships would all have a claim? Better to know now than find out in circumstances like that!

Is his name on the birth certificate? If so, surely that's all the proof you need.

No idea why you are getting such a hard time here. If anything I think you have a done her a huge favour, ex was young silly etc then but not now. As an adult he should be honest with her and have contact with his eldest child. Ignore the posters telling you they would have told you to Fuck off they'd rather bury their head in the sand and blame the woman for anything and everything.

You've done it, you can't change what you have done and fwiw I think you did the right thing.

You are not responsible for any lies your ex has told her.

Don't worry about it. Honestly.

Look OP I think it will turn out to be a good thing for your son.
Enjoy your new baby, I hope the birth goes well.

OP I so would have done the same as you!

OP, I think in the long run you did the right thing in letting his partner know he had another child. I'd want to know if I were her. What happens now is up to them. You're right to back away now. But I'd sure like to be a fly on the wall and hear him weasel out of it. I'm sure it'll be a case of ' I wanted to see the child but she wouldn't let me!! I didn't tell you because it was all so terribly painful. Wanker.

One question though; are you prepared for him to see his son if he starts asking to? Because (as a mum) I also think if I were the partner once the dust settled I'd tell him to act like a man and see his child or I'd be having serious second thoughts about our own relationship and exactly how good a father he is.

You've done nothing wrong OP.
There are far too many women who are complicit in allowing feckless fathers to ignore their responsibilities to any children they may have.
So what if she has a sleepless night? If she's a decent sort she'll give your sons deadbeat dad a kick up the ass.

I agree with lello & don't think you did anything wrong either. Good luck with your impending arrival.

It's done.

Have you told your DP?

If they get back in touch, it's best that he already knows.

It might result in her talking him into getting contact. But don't worry about anything, until it happens.

I have been thinking about this.

The thought that he will turn up seeking contact doesn't seem to worry you.

Op, did you do this out of a moment of anger, or deep down were you hoping she would facilitate contact?

As I said, doing things out of anger or spite often backfires. But after thinking about this and your reactions, I am not sure that, that's why you did this.