To have contacted this woman?

[OkPookie]

Probably yes. Entirely stupid.

I have a 10-year-old son, I got pregnant at the age of 18 while in the middle of my A-levels. The father who was 21 (looking back) was a complete moron, and going nowhere really at that time in his life. He decided not to have anything to do with our son, and despite contacting him/his family members when our son was born I never heard anything from them and I assume my ex has always denied his existence.

Fast forward 10 years, and ex has another son (aged 5). He pays me maintenance (forced through the CSA), but we have had no contact in all these years. Today I decided to Google him, out of boredom and came across his public social media profile. Apparently ex has started up a business, is no longer the bum he once was, is seemingly the best and most proud father in the world, travels often etc. Not the man boy I knew. Out of nowhere I had a pang of bitterness. The mother of their child was obvious, so on a whim I contacted her to say I had a child with my ex, he was 10 and that perhaps in the future he may contact either his father or sibling and to be aware of this possibility.

I am in a VERY happy relationship with a good man, I'm due to give birth in 4 days. I honestly don't know what came over me! Anyway, her reply was "what am I expecting" from my message, and unless I have any evidence to prove my claim to basically get lost. Obviously there is little point in going backwards and forwards with it, as she will ultimately believe what she wants to.

I just can't believe after 10 years I am feeling so upset over this, I have had so many life experiences and being a dumb teenager is well and truly behind me. I also feel so bad for my son, I can't imagine him ever seeing that himself.

Yanbu

If he has been paying maintenance all these years and lying to his wife it's tough if he gets any backlash. Not your problem.

I would send her a screenshot of the birth certificate/maintenance record. If she chooses to then believe the twat it's her look out.

Bambam, how on earth has OP risked scuppering her son's chances of having a relationship with his father? Unless the father is such an utter wanker that he would have insisted on a condition that his son keeps schtum about any future meetings with his dad and is never introduced to his half sibling as such, as if he is some dirty little secret to be kept hidden. Or if ex is the kind of dick who could claim that he was " going to " acknowledge him as his son and have this great relationship, but now he can't because OP has conveniently "ruined everything", so he can use this as an excuse not to bother .

Don't beat yourself up. She might already know all about it. They just might not want the whole world to know.

Can't believe what a hard time your getting here OP.

Was it the smartest thing in world? Possibly not. Do I get why it's happened? Definitely.

Now cats out bag would send reply with two things.

1. maintenance proof,
2. the truth. Sorry I contacted you in this way, I shouldn't have but felt a bit frustrated about fact he hasn't showed any love and attention to my son. I will be giving him the option and information to contact his dad and that he has a brother when he turns 18, so wanted to give you heads up first. I hope you will persuade your husband if he gets in touch not to reject him again.

What rowan said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP.

Yes, the maintenance would be the 'proof' surely. And not the most charming response from the woman, though perhaps she was in shock.

He's paid child support so not a complete idiot is fair enough except she had to pry it out of him using CSA. So enough of an idiot.

Don't even worry about it OP.
I'm jealous of all these posters who've never made a rash decision, or let their emotions get the better of them.

She may have known or she may not have known. She DOES know now.

I can think or far worse things than letting someone know their child has a sibling

Don't worry OP - I know exactly where you're coming from. I had the same with DD. Her father has never paid a penny towards her. He was 23 when I got pregnant, I was 18.

He has two other children with his (now) wife. So DD has two younger half sisters. Her father plays the role of a 'great' dad to his other children, whilst only deciding to meet DD after three DNA tests (just to reassure himself) when she was 12.

God knows how his wife reconciles his twattish behaviour towards DD with his 'doting' father attitude towards his other two children.

The whole thing makes me so angry.

I would contact her one last time, with the proof (documentation from CSA) and reiterate that I wanted nothing, just to give a heads up as your son may want to at least see his dad when he's older. Then I'd put it all firmly away and forget about it.

Gotta - he may well have been young and not ready for fatherhood. Maybe the OP also wasn't fully prepared for motherhood. Didn't stop her stepping up and caring for her child, did it? I can't believe so many of you are sympathizing with a waste of space absent father. I don't think the OP did anything wrong. She told the truth. It's not the OP who has woven a web of lies...

I had a similar experience as you with my then 10 year DS, but wrote a letter to his father (not present from birth and no financial contribution), I can still feel my colour rise when I think of it - I didn't ever receive any acknowledgement though.. DS is now 18 and is all abit whatever about it.

I was in (and still am) a very very happy relationship and DS is treated as a son by my husband, but he isn't his son and you just want the acknowledgement.

You have not BU the world should know who his father is and most def his new partner, but you have done it now move on and concentrate on being happy. you will blush for years to come but the chances are he was a little warm when he came home too..

I would be so angry/hurt if I was her.
I'm not surprised that you got the response you got. She isn't exactly going to say "oh how wonderful." is she?

Also it's up to your ex to sort out a relationship between the two children, not her. If she comes round to the idea then fair enough, but don't expect her to do it for him.

If an ex of my OH's messaged me out of the blue I'd have told her to fuck off no matter what the subject of the message was.

I am that there are so many posters who think that this poor man was only young and therefore should be entirely entitled to have moved on from the mistake that was the child he chose to have nothing to do with, while the OP is at fault for pointing out to his now partner that her son has an older brother who she knew nothing about. And that there is even a poster on this thread who wouldn't have an issue with finding out her partner had a secret child, just so long as he was a good father to her children.

Have I walked into a different place by mistake? .

In the age of social media we now live in, it is entirely possible that the OP's child could track down his father and half brother in three years time when he is allowed social media. Or could even google before that, and could find them. This kind of information just cannot be kept secret any more in the age we live in.

And for those who think it's entirely ok to walk away from your child because you're not ready for the responsibility, just bear in mind that if that was your partner, then that speaks volumes about how they would treat your children in the event of your relationship ending. "He wouldn't do that to my kids," is a delusion you cannot afford to believe when it comes to men like that.

but I disagree with all the other comments of he was only young and he has another family now but he pays maintanence.

Me too. Whatever way you look at it, he has 10 years. And been a shit for all of them.

I had my first young. Leaving her with the father and pissing off, never to be seen again, would have made me a shit too. Age isn't an excuse.

I'm jealous of all these posters who've never made a rash decision, or let their emotions get the better of them.

Who has said that though? I have made plenty of mistakes. Doesn't make them any less of a mistake because it's a rash decision.

And to all the posters who would tell the OP to fuck off, I wonder what the responses would be if a poster posted here that she had had a message from a woman claiming to be the mother of her partner's older child who he refuses to have anything to do with, and just wanted her to know that her son had a sibling.

I am 100% certain that at the very least the predominant advice would be that the OP needed to speak to her partner to find out the truth, and then potentially even have further contact with the woman given this child was her child's sibling. There is absolutely no way that posters would be advising her to tell the ex to fuck off or to suggest that she was just bitter and that her partner had obviously grown up since he'd had this secret child.

In fact posters would be advising the OP that her partner wasn't the man he said he was, and that if he could leave one child he could leave her child, and to question whether she wanted to stay in a relationship with a man who could keep a child, and the maintanence he paid towards said child secret for ten years.

Wannabe she specifically targeted another woman who may or may not have known about the boy. That's neither here nor there, she should have contacted him and him alone. If the mother of the second child is an innocent party in the whole story then why try to make her feel bad? So therefore had she been me op would have been told to fuck off and rightly so.

Ok, thanks for the messages from those who have been understanding. I am going to move forward and try to put this behind me now.

For clarity my ex is not married to this woman, however she says they have been together for 10 years (I assume this would have been after my son came along). She has also since sent her email address asking for 'proof'...calling me a liar...and has accused me of seeking entertainment, while also implying she has received similar odd messages before - hopefully not about other children. She claims that she has access to ex's bank statements, knows all his family etc. and there is no way it is possible he could have a child she doesn't know about.

I replied to her with a few pictures of my son, apologised and tried to clear up the fractured nature of my first message and just mentioned that one day it would be nice (if both my son wishes and she allows) for her child and mine to perhaps make contact one day. I tried to explain myself as best as I could, but of course it's going to look bad no matter what. She may never believe it, and it was a long time ago. He no doubt WAS a different person back then. I certainly don't recognise him as he is now.

I am truly happy in my relationship, and cannot relate at all to my teenage self - pregnancy included - so it is all the more bizarre that I sent this message. I suppose I will have to blame it on hormones and on thoughts of my son. I don't really make a habit of Googling people, and this experience will certainly stop me from doing so in future.

If she's received similar messages before then I'd hazard a guess that her (d)P has form, and that this is perhaps a message which has tipped her into questioning whether he does in fact have other children she didn't know about.

If my partner had a secret child I would want to knoW. Because if he had a secret child it would give me a very clear indication of what he was capable of I.e. Walking away from his own child without a care.

Finding out my partner had a secret child who he was paying secret maintanence to would be an absolute deal breaker in my relationship.

Also, I didn't bother contacting ex directly as he has pretty much always denied ever knowing our son, and so I have been told years ago, denied that my son was his to people who knew at the time. I contacted him at the time of his birth and few years after and he told me to take my son and piss off, so I never tried again. Even in the heat of the moment I wouldn't have bothered to say anything directly to him. The maintenance is paid through a liability order and he doesn't pay a penny willingly.

Hi OP, I am afraid that I have only read the first page but I totally understand why you would have contacted this woman even though there's nothing really to be gained from it. I was in a similar situation - but was married - and ex H decided that he didn't want DD, wanted nothing to do with her and has never paid for her (and lives overseas). I found out that he had remarried and had two children and was/is by all accounts a loving father. It hurt like hell even though my rational side said that he has lost out, DD is wonderful and all the stuff that everyone else would tell me ..... it still felt like a dagger through a wound that I thought had healed.

I know through ex H's family that his wife is aware of my DD's existence but can imagine doing something similar, even though many years had passed, that I would not have hoped to achieve anything, that I would rather opt for the moral high ground etc.

Congratulations on bringing up your son, on your happy relationship and on your imminent arrival. These are what's important.

Well you already know YWBU to contact her, but that doesn't mean it's not understandable. It's a really shit situation to be in for both you and her and it sounds like he's a horrid man. He's treated you and your DS like crap and told blatant lies to his partner of 10 years.

It's the shittiest of all for your DS and a real shame that he has a sibling that it seems he will never get to know.

You can either just leave it where it is, or, now that the can of worms has been opened, send a calm, polite message back letting her know that if she ever wants to give her child the opportunity to know their brother she can contact you through Facebook and leave it there? I don't know if that will cause even more drama though...

for you because that couldn't have been a nice feeling. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy!

That's a whole lot of life changing information to receive in one day from someone who you've never even met before!
All of that could have been said to your ex- not his wife.