To have contacted this woman?

[OkPookie]

Probably yes. Entirely stupid.

I have a 10-year-old son, I got pregnant at the age of 18 while in the middle of my A-levels. The father who was 21 (looking back) was a complete moron, and going nowhere really at that time in his life. He decided not to have anything to do with our son, and despite contacting him/his family members when our son was born I never heard anything from them and I assume my ex has always denied his existence.

Fast forward 10 years, and ex has another son (aged 5). He pays me maintenance (forced through the CSA), but we have had no contact in all these years. Today I decided to Google him, out of boredom and came across his public social media profile. Apparently ex has started up a business, is no longer the bum he once was, is seemingly the best and most proud father in the world, travels often etc. Not the man boy I knew. Out of nowhere I had a pang of bitterness. The mother of their child was obvious, so on a whim I contacted her to say I had a child with my ex, he was 10 and that perhaps in the future he may contact either his father or sibling and to be aware of this possibility.

I am in a VERY happy relationship with a good man, I'm due to give birth in 4 days. I honestly don't know what came over me! Anyway, her reply was "what am I expecting" from my message, and unless I have any evidence to prove my claim to basically get lost. Obviously there is little point in going backwards and forwards with it, as she will ultimately believe what she wants to.

I just can't believe after 10 years I am feeling so upset over this, I have had so many life experiences and being a dumb teenager is well and truly behind me. I also feel so bad for my son, I can't imagine him ever seeing that himself.

It sounds like you are jealous and unhappy with life. It was a crappy thing to do to her, she's done nothing to you.

Maybe he's grown up now hence the change in him. Perhaps the child was planned with a woman he loves. At 18, it was barely even a relationship much less a planned future. He's paid child support so not a complete idiot. His choice to not be involved just as it was your choice to carry on with the pregnancy outside a secure relationship.

Surely the maintenance payments are the 'evidence'?

I would be tempted to reply stating that, and maybe that you were thinking about sibling relationships just now as you are pregnant yourself and felt that she had the right to know that her son has a brother whilst they are both still young, and as you said, in case of future contact from your son.

Then stop messaging!

My dad left my mum for another woman when i was 18 months old. He went on to marry her and did not keep contact with me, despite paying my mum over £400 a month in maintenance until I was 18.

When I was 21 I tracked him down and we struck up contact via email and even met each other a few times. He said he would tell his wife! I was shocked that he had kept my existence hidden all those years. He also had a son with his wife who was 14.

After 3 years he still hadn't told his wife / son about me so I decided to ditch him - he was not adding anything to my life. When his son was 18 I looked him up on fb and sent him and his mum a message and outed myself. I did this is a pregnancy hormonal phase too OP - I really should have known better at 28.....

His wife left him - and took him to the cleaners and I understand he doesn't not have a great relationship with his son now (this was 12 years ago).

His wife was very gracious with me, and contacted me afterwards to thank me for not wasting anymore of her life living with a lying twat. Her son (my half brother) never replied to my message or contacted me.

I did have moments of guilt for a while afterwards. I've now been through divorce and I know how much it sucks. My nana always said that the truth comes out in the end.

All these posters saying they think it was a crappy thing to do...would you honestly allow your DC to grow up not knowing they had siblings? And if your child had siblings would you not want to know about it?

Having been the child in this situation I am so glad I wasn't kept in the dark.

If your child isn't his why is he paying CSA.

Ok so he was young and has changed but that doesn't count for birthdays missed and doctor appointments not attended. Your son has a sibling, why wouldn't you want to let her know about it - so no YANBU!

He's paid child support so not a complete idiot. - money does not replace a parent, he has not been their emotional or physically for his child so in my book that absolutely makes him a complete idiot!
His choice to not be involved just as it was your choice to carry on with the pregnancy outside a secure relationship. - his choice not to use protection resulted in a pregnancy, so now the child must suffer because he decided not to be involved? Would you not say that it's a bit late to decide he didn't want to be a father AFTER having unprotected sex?

I would have contacted the ex. Not the mother of the child. The op never mentioned wanting to foster a relationship between the kids.

She wanted her to know that her son might turn up on the door step. Again, he would do that by tracking down his father.

If the father and this woman split because he lied to her. That's tough shit. But that still doesn't mean what she did was right. The op admits she did it out of anger. Usually that sort of thing ends up biting you on the arse.

What if this woman now knows and tells her him, she wants him to have a relationship with his son. So he Pursues that? Will the op be happy, her life and her sons life becomes heavily disrupted? Maybe but maybe not.

The Dad that brought me up is my step dad, my biological dad left before I was even born and I found out at 18 I had half siblings as my Biological dad had re married I even went to the same school as one without knowing.

I can honestly say I have never had any desire to contact my father or any half siblings. As far as I am concerned they are not my family and I don't want to know them.

My siblings are the ones my Mum and (step)dad went on to have and my dad is my (step) dad.

So would I allow my DC to grow up not knowing if they had half siblings? Yes I would because I was that child and I am so glad i only found out as an adult

YABU and you know it.

Those saying poor wife: If your DH turned out to have a 10 year old secret child to whom all this time he has been paying maintenance through the CSA ... would you really rather stay in the dark about it?

The op didn't tell her because she knew she didn't know and was doing her a favour.

Am surprised at the hard time the OP is getting on this thread.

No, the ex has nothing to do with his child, and he has now moved on and has a child with someone else. But really, if your partner had a child he never spoke about, had never told you about, and a woman contacted you to say that your child had an older sibling, wouldn't you want to know? Because for me it would change everything I thought I knew about my partner if I discovered through someone else that he had a child he had been paying for on the quiet and chose to have nothing to do with.

Whether he was young back then is irrelevant. He has a child and has denied that child to the woman who is now the mother of his second born. But keep believing that men should just be able to walk away from their children and create new ones without so much as a trail to who they really are...

I get it, I totally get it.

DS had a scumbag, fortunately they have never met, nor has he ever paid a penny to him (I kept him off the birth certificate and married the man DS considers Dad when he was 3)
I've googled him. I know he now lives in another country. I know he has at least another 9 kids and is always proclaiming his adoration of his GF on the dreaded FB.

I've often pondered 'does she know'. I've often wanted to message her myself as a kind of warped revenge for how he treated me, but ultimately I realise she isn't the person to be angry at and that particular hornets nest is best left unpoked.

Sometimes it's best to live, leave the past where it is and make the future the best you can.

OK so his shiny happy FB photos show him being the bestest proudest dad in the whole wide world and a sooper dooper businessman. Maybe he is.
But it's easy to make yourself look great on FB . Were there any photos of him washing shit out of his baby son's ears? Pureeing batches of baby food and washing the blender? Quelling toddler tantrums? Or does he leave all the boring crap to the child's mum and just do the showy-offy parenting bits?
Ditto the business. Possibly great ("checking into blah international airport"). Photos of the accounts don't go on FB though.
If he has concealed the existence of your son, I would be surprised if his Fakebook photos are an accurate reflection of his life.

I can't see why you done it. Surely you knew there was a massive chance he had moved on, got married/had other children/was happy etc even before you started looking him so it shouldn't of come as a shock.

Your ds has a good man as a step dad and he has always had you so not having a dad that doesn't want him in his life is for the best really isn't it.

Would I allow my DC to grow up not knowing they had half siblings? Yes I would because my cousins have half siblings and don't want contact or a relationship with each other anyway.

Would I want to know if my DH had a secret child? Tbh As long as he was a good father to our child and we were happy I wouldn't end my marriage over it. People sometimes have children with the wrong people/ when they are too young and I firmly believe that people can change with age.

Yes OP should of not contacted the wife but I disagree with all the other comments of he was only young and he has another family now but he pays maintanence.

What about the first child who grew up without a father in his life? It's suddenly acceptable because he was only 18 at the time (Still an adult) just because the woman is female she is left holding the baby to raise and that's ok?

I think OP your DS may start asking questions so that when you need to consider if you want to introduce this man to your DS or if you want to leave things lie.

Oh don't beat yourself up! Fuck them! You've done your best and possibly struggled to bring up your son, in 10 years there's one ripple in your ex's pool of seemingly tranquility. If he hasn't told his new partner about your son, then he should've done and if he has to do some explaining now then it's little penance for his epic failings as a father to your son. Plus I agree, you're hormonal, ready to give birth- you probably are feeling melancholic, but please do not dwell on it. If you hear anything more from them it depends on wether your son wants to get to know his dad and brother - although beware, that has the potential for major jealousy from your son, my dad has another family - if he doesn't then just ignore them, you owe him nothing. Try and just put it to the back of your mind now and focus on the new arrival xxx

Op I dont think you've done a terrible thing. I think perhaps if you had thought about it you might have contacted your ex and not the woman. If his payments are forced via the csa I can see why you'd be annoyed at seeing him be the best daddy ever on social media. All you've really done is let the woman know what her oh is like to you and his other child. If she already knows and doesnt mind then hmmm, and if she didn't know then maybe it's not a bad thing that she does now. I'd want to know that about my dh. She's innocent in all this, but all you've really done is let her know the truth, it's not as though you're spreading rumours or telling spiteful lies. You're pregnant, it's uncomfortably hot for anyone who's full term, I'm sure you've got so many other things going on right now so don't beat yourself up, you cant unsend it now and it's easily done on social media, everything's so instant nowadays we can all click before we think

What on earth did you hope to achieve other than making yourself look like a classic bitter ex? I understand why you feel the way you do but it's hardly a surprise that's he's turned into a grown up is it? If you actually wanted to foster a relationship between your son and his father you would have contacted him directly. What you wanted, in a moment of madness, was to punish him and her for the crime of being happy. Understandable at a base level but that woman has done nothing to you. You cannot punish her for choices you made as a teenager and her husband's behaviour as a much younger man.

"It is sad - but your ex was young when you got pregnant. He is not the same person today. He has grown up and become more responsible and was ready for fatherhood this time. He is able now to give his 2nd child and partner a good life. "

Surely not or he would have owned up and started a relationship with OP's child. To be 'ready for fatherhood' means to be a father to all his children.

Being a bitter ex heavily implies
That the person you are the ex of has behaved well.

I think it was probably for your son you make the decision to contact him when he was older if he wanted to. You both made choices as adults, so the really important person to make the next choice was your son. Unfortunately that's been scuppered now by a moment of madness.

I'm always bemused when people say 'playing happy families' maybe they actually are happy. Some people are. I know it doesn't fit in with the scenario in our heads and doesn't make us feel good but it could actually be true.

I think you know deep down you did it out of spite, as you said. I suppose the best you can hope for is that when your DS is older he can make a choice about whether he wants a relationship with his dad and that door hasn't been closed for him.

Needsasock No. Not at all. Being a bitter ex means you're angry over how you were treated. That by and large would mean you were treated like shit.

I agree across. Also how 'responsible' and 'mature' is it to keep a child secret from your spouse? Just as much keep the financial secret of 10 years worth of child maintenance with another 8 to go! He must be actively hiding it.

I think you should contact her again with a gentle apology for th first contact, perhaps say a little of whaT YOU HAVE SAID IN your POSTS AND WISH HER WELL. THEN FORGET. IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT UNDERLYING FEELING OF SHAME FOR YOUR ACTION AND AS OTHERS HAVE SAiD OTHER THAN HER DC IS A SIBLING OF YOURS THEN IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. aw bugger, messed up my caps lock and can't be arsed to retype sorry for shouty caps.