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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay SIL to look after DD

130 replies

smileygrapefruit · 20/07/2016 22:21

Arranged with PIL's for them to have DD (2.5 years) for a few hours this Saturday. They have messaged DH today to say they need to pop out for an hour or so and SIL (aged 17) will stay with our DD and we should give her babysitting money. Aibu to think you shouldn't have to pay family to spend time with family? All her food etc will be provided by us.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 21/07/2016 00:33

SiL sounds sensible and competent, although it's unfair of PiLs I'd suck it up and pay. You're building up goodwill with your SiL which will stand you in good stead with her for the future!

RosieSW · 21/07/2016 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beeziekn33ze · 21/07/2016 00:38

MuddlingM - apologies, you said it first!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2016 00:58

I think your ILs have a fucking cheek actually - you'd already made arrangements with them to look after their DGC for a couple of hours, if they can't stick to it, then either let you know so you can find alternative care yourself, or THEY should pay your SIL to take over their responsibilities.

This way, they are effectively being paid to go out and leave your SIL in charge because YOU are out of pocket, not them!

I don't at all blame your SIL in this - I would't have wanted to do it without paying at that age either. But it's her parents who should be paying, not you.

Having said that, you're obviously nice people and are grateful to your SIL for picking up the slack for her feckless parents, so it's nice that you're going to give her some money. As others have suggested, maybe next time don't bother with the grandparents, just ask SIL!

EttaJ · 21/07/2016 01:30

YABU and you are as tight as a ducks behind. She's your daughter , pay for her to be looked after. You're not doing your SIL the favour. I wonder how some peoples minds work I really do.

Whatthequack · 21/07/2016 08:18

Doinitfine, get off your fucking high stuck up horse.
I had my DS1 aged 17, I managed to juggle going to University while working and raising him. I even managed a 2:1 and received an award within my discipline area. 9 years on from giving birth I have bought my own house and a great career, and above all a very smart, caring and sensible son!

Stop being so fucking judgementa!

Whatthequack · 21/07/2016 08:27

Gah it seems typing while irritated and with a cracked screen ends in disaster with regards to my spelling.

Anyway back the the actual issue, OP, I'd pay your SIL as a way of saying thank you. It will show your appreciation for her stepping in.

DoinItFine · 21/07/2016 08:30

I'm not being judgemental.

I just don't think 17 year olds are ideal babysitters for toddlers.

I'm glad everything worked out for you.

I still hope none of my children are parents before thry are adults.

Rangirl · 21/07/2016 08:37

I think YABU My sister babysits for me from time to time no payment Now my niece is 16 she occasionally does it and I always give her £20 or so Mind you I quite often give her the odd £10 or so

Whatthequack · 21/07/2016 08:42

Worked out for me? How patronising. I have achieved a lot more than most people 10-20 years my senior.

Obviously I would not wish for anyone to have a child so young, as it is very hard in many ways. What makes it even more difficult is people with similar attitudes to yourself. Don't judge a book by its cover. I don't because of the situation I was in and I'm a better person for it.

Plus you don't know the situation as to why or how the young person became pregnant...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/07/2016 09:10

OP, you say that you would have 'been over the moon to look after a baby niece' but this is also your niece, what do you do for her as part of your familial responsibilities?

Your post was a bit self-absorbed. Your baby is the centre of your world, nobody's else's - and if you don't take time out of your bubble to focus on other family members from time to time, the goodwill won't be there for you - baby or not.

Perhaps this is a good opportunity for you to have a sideline relationship with your SIL as a regular babysitter when you need one.

Xenophile · 21/07/2016 09:19

OP, glad you've got it sorted and hope you have a lovely time wherever you're going.

Maybe in paying SiL to look after your DCs, she'll be happy to do so again, lovely for your DC to spend time with her Aunt, and a nice little earner for the Sil, winner all round.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 21/07/2016 09:39

LyingWitch, who's my niece? I don't have any. However me and DH regularly drop off/pick up SIL if her parents can't.

P.s. it's not for a night out, it's for me to go to work during the day.

Thanks for the helpful comments, we are going to pay her.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 21/07/2016 09:46

My nieces (19 and 17) babysit my children for free and have done for a few years, usually only a few times a year but it was my SIL who suggested it, she wouldn't dream of letting me pay them for it, she said that's what families do, but I don't take the mick, and they don't live close enough for it to be a regular thing.

MrsFarm · 21/07/2016 09:59

YANBU - PIL said they would mind your DD - now they can't and they want you to pay someone else to do it?

Its up to you if you want to give SIL money - but don't feel like you have to. An hour is not a very long time.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 21/07/2016 10:09

I just don't think 17 year olds are ideal babysitters for toddlers.

Why though? I think most 17 year olds are perfectly capable of looking after toddlers, and babies for that matter. Anyway, OP has said she trusts her SIL to look after her DD, it was the issue with the money that was the problem.

LagunaBubbles · 21/07/2016 10:16

I agree with the problem being more about the OPs PILs than anything else really, and their ability to be reliable. I get the feeling something like this is not a one off and thats whats wrong to.

DoinItFine · 21/07/2016 10:17

The OP is happy for the SIL to look after the toddler, so it seems fine.

Although I would never agree to my PIL caring for my kid while I was at work again.

Personally I prefer proper adults to look after my toddlers.

They are unpredictable and need pretty much constant attention and I don't think it's fair to put that much responsibility on a 17 year old for a tenner.

I want whoever is looking after my kids to know what to do in an emergency and to have enough life experience not to make daft decisions.

It's a personal thing.

My youngest is 4 now, and I still only use adult babysitters.

I did a lot of family babysitting as a teenager and spent hours looking after screaming babies and toddlers and trying to make them stop.

It was horrible, and I wasn't even aware at the time of all the things that might have gone wrong, and that I wasn't eqipped to deal with.

ohtheholidays · 21/07/2016 10:39

I'd pay her of course I would,she's 17 the weather is lovely,schools are out I don't think I know one 17 year old that would chose babysitting over not babysitting at this time of year and I loved my nieces and nephews dearly,I'm still very close with them,I spoiled them rotten when they were little and I've looked after and spoiled they're DC now they're all parents.

What I really dislike about your post is comparing your DH's parents to your own!

No one's parents have to look after they're GC no one's!
Me and my DH have never ever had any help and we have 5DC,2 of our DC are disabled and so am I now.But we both believe that our parents did they're bit raising us.

We will help out with our GC when we become parents if our DC want help but that's because we'll chose to not because we feel we have to and I'd be really pissed off and so would they're Dad if we thought that our DC or they're wifes/husbands were moaning about us behind our backs because the other GP were having the GC more!

When your DC is older and has DC of they're own you might find your attitude about this changes,I know my oldest brothers did!

My poor parents were always expected to help out with his DC and so was I but he does sod all to help any of his GC now.

2rebecca · 21/07/2016 10:43

If I had agreed to look after someone's children for the day and couldn't at the last minute I would expect to fund any alternative myself. It seems odd that BOTH PILs have an emergency they have to attend to though. You'd think one would go and the other babysit.
If my husband and I had agreed to look after a child I can't think of much that would require us both at short notice.
It sounds as though they just want to have more free time on a weekend. Agree that most 17 year olds would rather not be babysitting a toddler on a Saturday so paying her is reasonable if you actually want her to do it. I used teenage babysitters a lot for my kids when younger, not family as no-one near.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 21/07/2016 11:01

Blimey, I'm owed a shit load of money then!

I was babysitting family from the age of 13, often an 8, 3 and 4 year olds. This was in the evenings. Then I took them out in the days from a younger age, probably 11, very often had a 6 year old with me from the age of 11 (that was NOT my choice and I was forced to). This carried on until I was about 18 and I'd be asked to take extras out for a young child's birthday because I could drive then and they didn't all fit in one car. Not once was I ever offered any money despite being a teenager.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/07/2016 11:03

It's a valuable life experience. i would give her something anyway.

Judester24 · 21/07/2016 11:06

I take massive objection to the idea that 17 year olds aren't capable of looking after a small child.
I had my dd1 when I was 17. I'm now 37 and she is 20. You know what? I'm a great mum.
She is a wonderful young woman, about to start at Oxford uni after 2 years working full time. As for me, I have a great career, bought a lovely little house and am extremely proud of my family.
I may not be the norm, but never make sweeping judgements.

As for the op, I wouldn't be to upset with pil, especially if they often offer free childcare. They obviously got their dates a bit mixed up. If the sil is a good babysitter maybe she could be a more reliable arrangement moving forward.

ohtheholidays · 21/07/2016 15:46

Harry it was the same for me,I was never asked I was forced!

But there is no way I'd let one of my DC be forced into looking after another child because it's wrong!My parents realized that years later.

bunnie1975 · 21/07/2016 15:58

My mom wouldn't watch my girls without being paid!

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