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Original poster

Daddy won't let dd have her hair cut

82 replies

ChicagoBullz · 20/07/2016 17:06

Angry She's 10 and has long hair to her bum, she wants it cut into a bob but she's worried because exh has told her via text he'll 'go mental' if she has it cut Grr need to vent he pisses me off so much, trying to be objective, am I pissed off just because he's an ex? Because he's teaching her long hair is attractive??
OP posts:
ABunchOfCups · 20/07/2016 17:48

It's her hair, not his.

What kind of message is he giving her? To ignore her own autonomy, wishes and comfort in order to not make males angry. That how she looks to others is more important than how she feels.

If an adult posted here saying their dh said "if you cut your hair I'll go mental", and that she was worried about making him angry as he's very shouty, she'd be told he's abusive, controlling and a bully. A Dad doing it to his daughter is just the same imo. He should be showing her it's ok to do what she wishes with her hair, that nobody should be angry with her for not looking how they want, that her feelings and comfort comes way above anyone wanting her to look a certain way for them.

ShelaghTurner · 20/07/2016 17:49

I'm the opposite. I want to cut dd1's (8) hair into a bob and she won't let me because she wants to grow it long (if she had a bra strap it'd be bra strap length at the mo). she knows I'd like it cut but I absolutely won't push it because it's her hair and her decision. That's the way it should be.

dodobookends · 20/07/2016 17:49

Maybe it is because she's growing up now, it won't be all that long before she is a teenager. Perhaps for him, her long hair is part of her being a kid, and he's not ready to say goodbye to his little girl yet?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/07/2016 17:51

Btw, I'm not bashing you as a mum Chicago, you sound like you're doing a great job and managing a difficult situation with your ex as best you can for your daughter's sake.
Sometimes, it's just useful to see it from a different perspective because you fall in to habitual behaviour to 'keep the peace' which could be counterproductive for your daughter.

NotWeavingButDarning · 20/07/2016 18:05

Totally agree that you should go with the 'your body, your choice' message. This is one of the most important lessons you can teach her!

Theoretician · 20/07/2016 18:34

It works by going " our daughter is scared of you. You are controlling and until i seek advice you will not be having cobtact. I need to be assured that our child does not fear you so much she is scared to make choices about her own body"

So does this mean that an NRP's contact is always at the discretion of the RP? (It's irrelevant whether we agree with her reasons in this case, if she can do this then any RP can do similar for reasons we don't agree with.)

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/07/2016 18:39

When she gets it cut, keep a strand and get her to make a little plait to give to her father. Tell him to comb it!

Pinkheart5915 · 20/07/2016 18:40

What a strange man, I can't believe anybody could be so unreasonable about a child wanting a hair care I mean I could understand if she wanted it dyed pink with orange spots in it but she just wants a bob.

He doesn't sound like he would be easy to talk to but try and explain that she is getting older and needs to be able to make choices for herself and that she doesn't want anything 'extreme' done to her hair.

I had long hair to my bum as a child but around your DD age I wanted it cut short it made me too hot and got in my way etc and although Mum espically loved my hair she didn't make a fuss when I asked for a hair cut. She did take a few last photos which she still gets out to this day Hmm

FoxesOnSocks · 20/07/2016 18:46

I don't think that it's because he's you ex and a tosser that's colouring your veiw of the situation. Not long ago my (20 odd old) cousin who has v long hair was musing over getting a chop (pixie) I said sure go for it, you have a very beautiful face and anyway it'll grow back of if you dislike it.

There was another cousin of hers there (not my cousin though) who instantly shut me show going on about how dare she, because her hair was her sexuality and how a woman should be (fecking weird shit for a relative to say) and told her he'd he angry and she shouldn't do it, then her dad stepped in about how she wasn't allowed.

Fucked me off no end. Men ordering woman about and commanding how they should look for thier own pleasure especially when they were related and the theme seemed to be of a sexual nature

SocksRock · 20/07/2016 18:48

My DH wasn't keen on our DD1 having her hair cut. So she chopped it off herself and made a right pigs ear. Pixie cut was the only solution...

SocksRock · 20/07/2016 18:48

To his credit, he laughed, told her he was sorry and it was her decision, and then took her to the hairdresser to have it sorted.

NotWeavingButDarning · 20/07/2016 18:56

I don't think you should try to explain this away or placate him by telling him it's nothing 'extreme'!

Because even if she did want something a bit more out there, it should be her choice. It's hair ffs, not a facial tattoo. It grows back. It's a good way to introduce her to body autonomy, if she's not already familiar with the concept.

Eatthecake · 20/07/2016 19:04

I'd have a chat and say she knows her own mind as she is getting older and needs to be allowed to make a certain amount of choices for herself and while he likes her hair she's doing nothing 'outrageous' to it just having it cut a little shorter.
He could well feel like the long hair keeps her a child although he isn't putting it across in the right way.

My DD had very long hair but once she got to big school wanted it cut she said it made her hot and I think really she had just outgrown having hair to her bum and wanted to feel more grown up.
We let her choose the cut style she wanted, I was ok about her having the cut but I wouldn't of allowed it dyed any colour so young.

Mouseinahole · 20/07/2016 19:06

My dd had hair she could sit on at 10. For her 10th birthday all she wanted was a bob. She got it. Her hair her choice and your ex needs to realise that.

ParisGellar · 20/07/2016 19:08

I didn't rtft only the first page so sorry if this has been suggested but you could donate her hair to the Little Princesses charity for children's wigs and tell her dad that's why she's doing it?

KittyLaRoux · 20/07/2016 19:14

So does this mean that an NRP's contact is always at the discretion of the RP? (It's irrelevant whether we agree with her reasons in this case, if she can do this then any RP can do similar for reasons we don't agree with.)

If the RP has concerns that there is EA/fear/risk then yes of course. Parents have a responsibility to protect their children and if the NRP has concerns they can also take steps to protect the child.

RubyGoat · 20/07/2016 19:23

Definitely agree that it's her hair & her choice. My 4 yo DD has thick, curly, waist-length hair because that's how she wants it. I've had to learn to do a proper French plait...

NavyandWhite · 20/07/2016 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mari50 · 20/07/2016 19:47

This is one I agree with, I cut my DD hair and kept it shortish (and gorgeously curly) until the day she told me she wanted to grow it long. I would dearly love to take a pair of shears to it and cut it chin length esp when she is moaning and whinging about getting it brushed or plaited etc BUT it's her hair and she gets to choose.

BitchPeas · 20/07/2016 19:50

Me too Navy

Although I can believe there is more than one tosser like this around.

Onesieisthequeensselfie · 20/07/2016 20:02

Your ex sounds like a controlling knob. Good grief, what other perfectly normal and healthy milestones will he "get angry" about as your dd matures?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/07/2016 20:07

I'm sure you will, but I'd just make sure DD knows that if Dad kicks off about her hair that she can call/text you and you'll come get her. Up to you whether you want to let him know that too!

Fomalhaut · 20/07/2016 20:14

"ex,
I like her hair long too but. 1.) it's her hair and her choice.2.) by being angry at her you are teaching her that she should alter her looks and behaviour to stop a man being angry. I don't think that's ok. If you do, we need to have a serious chat about how you act around dd. She's having her hair cut on Sunday and I expect you to tell her it looks lovely and be kind to her."

Make sure dd knows she can call you at any time and you'll come and get her. I was sent for contact to a dad who was a total shit and it's done me a lot of damage.

redexpat · 20/07/2016 20:15

Kitty is my new favourite MNer. I came onto say everything she did, and she said it better than I could have.

DoinItFine · 20/07/2016 20:18

I would be seriously concerned about a man who would send a text like that to a pre-pubescent girl having unsupervised contact with her.

It is extremely controlling and unhealthy for a grown man to bully a female child into looking the way he wants her to look.

Creepy as all fuck.