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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daddy won't let dd have her hair cut

82 replies

ChicagoBullz · 20/07/2016 17:06

Angry She's 10 and has long hair to her bum, she wants it cut into a bob but she's worried because exh has told her via text he'll 'go mental' if she has it cut Grr need to vent he pisses me off so much, trying to be objective, am I pissed off just because he's an ex? Because he's teaching her long hair is attractive??
OP posts:
Original poster
ChicagoBullz · 20/07/2016 17:27

Good decision on making him your ex by the way

Thanks Grin He makes it so easy

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 20/07/2016 17:27

Then dont send her!!!!

Why would you send your child to someone who you know will be moody/shouty with her?

Katedotness1963 · 20/07/2016 17:29

Would she be interested in donating her hair? Then it doesn't matter how shouty dad gets she knows she's done something special.

Original poster
ChicagoBullz · 20/07/2016 17:30

Hmm thanks perhaps saying s version of this will make him realise how ridiculous it is

feel really strongly that DC should have autonomy over their own bodiehttps. I felt sad when DC wanted their hair cut but I respect their choice

OP posts:
Original poster
ChicagoBullz · 20/07/2016 17:30

So easy to say kitty...

OP posts:
Original poster
ChicagoBullz · 20/07/2016 17:30

Fab idea I'll look into that thank you

OP posts:
Memoires · 20/07/2016 17:32

Well done! Your dd needs to know that how she looks is her choice and no one else's.

Keep lots of it. I still have a lock of mine from its first cut when I was about 10 - 40+ years ago Grin. My word, how it has changed colour in that time.

WannaBe · 20/07/2016 17:33

"Why would you send your child to someone who you know will be moody/shouty with her?" because he's her father.

The man may be an arsehole on many levels but assuming there are no real child protection issues (and going off on one about a hair cut is not a child protection issue) his DD has a right to a relationship with him.

Honestly it never fails to astound me how quickly people shout "stop contact," on here.

Rather than stopping contact, the OP can give her DD the confidence to be the individual she wants to be, and having a haircut is part of that.

I'm assuming that apart from being a bit of a shouty twat he's not an abuser in serious terms and that on the whole DD does have a positive relationship with him?

OP does he have a partner? If so is it possible that she will be more understanding and batter talk him into submission?

Rowanhart · 20/07/2016 17:33

Her hair. Her choice. Bellend.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/07/2016 17:35

OP... you really do have to stand behind your daughter on this. It worries me to read things like 'So easy to say' and 'He's scary when angry'. This is your child and whilst he can voice an opinion on how much he likes her hair long, he has no say over it - and nor do you - only your daughter does.

It may be 'easy to say' that he can't see her if he is going to shout at her but really, it's a no brainer. Tell him that. Or are you afraid of him too?

KittyLaRoux · 20/07/2016 17:37

Nobody is saying it is easy but sending your child to somebody who will shout at them and be moody with them because they had their hair cut is bloody abusive!

It is also sending out the wrong nessage to your daughter.
Your showing her emotional abuse is acceptable. That should a man not like her choices about her body she needs to accept him shouting at her and being moody. Why would you teach your child this?

FrozenAteMyDaughter · 20/07/2016 17:37

DD (6) just did exactly this - cut her long hair into a bob. Both DH and I have been putting her off for a while as we were worried she would miss the plaits/buns etc but she was adamant. She really wanted to donate her hair too to be made into a wig for another child - we are going with the Little Princess Trust in case your DD is interested.

She did it this Saturday - it looks gorgeous, is about a million times easier to look after and neither she nor we have any regrets. Your DH may like it once it's done. However, I agree with everyone here - it is not his decision and she certainly shouldn't have to put up with any abuse for it.

Maybe she should sent him a photo of how she looks after it is cut, and see what response she gets before any decision is made as to whether she visits him this weekend?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/07/2016 17:38

... and I'm astounded to read that a poster writes that a 'partner could batter/talk him into submission'. Since when is it anybody's responsibility to keep their temper other than the person who thinks it's ok to kick off?

It's not about 'no contact' - unless he's going to make his daughter miserable - it's a about 'kind contact'.

PerspicaciaTick · 20/07/2016 17:39

If he was a normal person, Id suggest saying "Aww, it's going to look lovely. Would you like DD to save you a lock?"

But he just sounds like a controlling arse who would take that as goady and who probably shouldn't be around DD unsupervised if he can't control himself.

SquinkiesRule · 20/07/2016 17:39

My Dd (now 11) had all her long thick bum length hair cut to her shoulders 6 months or so ago. Dh didn't want her too neither did I, but it's her hair so I booked her the appointment I was so sad to see it go, didn't say a word, she was happy, it's hair it'll grow back.
Then last week she said she wanted it longer again. She wanted to know why I let her cut it all off. Confused I told her it was her choice and it'll grow long again soon enough.
At least she lets me brush and play with it now, she must be getting old.

TheRealAdaLovelace · 20/07/2016 17:40

he does need telling.
It's her hair after all, not his. And why should little girls be taught that their appearance is to keep men happy/stop them 'going mental.
As for those glibly saying 'stop contact' - really? How would that work?

OP let her have her hair as she likes, and contact your ex and tell him she does what she likes with her own hair/appearance, and that he is NOT to shout at her or even mention it, or she will be coming straight home.

WannaBe · 20/07/2016 17:40

And putting her through a potential court case, cafcas intervention, making her choose whether or not to see her father would be preferable? Really?

We know nothing about this man. OP is annoyed because he's told the DD he will go mad. She's not implied that he is going to harm her, calling the OP an abuser based on the fact that she is maintaining as positive a relationship between her DD and her father as possible while at the same time empowering her DD to make her own choices is not on.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 20/07/2016 17:42

This very same thing happened with a friend of mine when she was growing up. Her DF was a controlling sod who dictated to her that she had to have long hair etc. She now wears it incredibly short all the time and has done since she was 18 and left home.

It's madness to dictate what length your kids hair should be.

KERALA1 · 20/07/2016 17:42

Can't stand this long hair thing. Some girls in dds class have ridiculously long hair often straggly and in bad condition really doesn't look good. Fantasise about bringing sharp scissors and chopping it all off! But bobs and short hair on little girls look gorgeous IMO.

Original poster
ChicagoBullz · 20/07/2016 17:42

Oh blimey I'm not kitty - she is having her hair cut. But I can't just send her round there when k know he'll be angry, I need to smooth the waters, which is why I'm on here for advice and I've got some great things to say which will make him realise what a twat he is. If he continues to be angry of course she won't go I'll go mental on him please don't worry Grin
But id like to avoid that really by having a sensible chat. He's her dad, they love each other & need to see eachother

OP posts:
Amy214 · 20/07/2016 17:42

I got all my hair cut off at the same age, my mum was a bit upset because she thought it was lovely but it was my choice (not one i would make again as i love it now its long again) let your dd make her own choice its her hair, it will grow back. She'll have loads of different hairstyles throughout her life and she should be allowed to make that decision for herself (even if you and your ex don't like it)

LunaLoveg00d · 20/07/2016 17:43

Get her to donate the cut hair to that charity which makes wigs for children with cancer - www.littleprincesses.org.uk/donate-hair/ there are a few requirements but it's such a valuable thing to do and no Dad could "go mental" at his daughter's hair being used for such a great cause.

And if he does. he's a knob.

KittyLaRoux · 20/07/2016 17:44

It works by going " our daughter is scared of you. You are controlling and until i seek advice you will not be having cobtact. I need to be assured that our child does not fear you so much she is scared to make choices about her own body"

The fact that some pisters ard not seeing a problem with the fact this little girl fears her fathers temper worries me. You do realise she fears his reaction bdcause she has seen him/being on the receiving end of his temper.

WannaBe · 20/07/2016 17:44

Of course nobody else is responsible for his potential temper. But if he does have a partner it's entirely possible that she will see it from the DD's point of view and tell him such.

If this was a situation of a mum agreeing to have her DD's hair cut and the dad saying no, and they were still together, the advice would be for the mum to tell him in no uncertain terms to wind his neck in. Therefore, if he now has a partner who is a decent person, I would expect her to do the same, not on my say-so, but that it would come naturally for her to do so.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/07/2016 17:45

Totally agree with Kitty and others, please don't teach your daughter that men can dictate how she looks or reinforce the view that his volatile mood needs to be taken into account all the time.

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